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RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/19/2011 6:53:44 AM

xssve

Posts: 3589
Joined: 10/10/2009
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I think Vanillas do put BDSM in the same approximate category as a cult - nobody else feels the need to explain any of the other things they do, chase after money, join weird religions, even spend their live in the casino - of all the thing you could do, wiiwd is probably the healthiest, it's tasty and good for you too!

I think you should keep it light, showing off your new branding probably isn't the best way to start, just tell 'em it's something to do (and it is) and it makes you happy - spare them the details unless they are willing to share every detail of their sex lives with you.

If you aren't being harmed they really have no business interrogating you.

(in reply to xssve)

Post #: 41

RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/19/2011 7:36:41 AM

GhitaAmati

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Joined: 5/30/2007
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Thank you to everyone who answered, you've definitely given me a lot to think about.

Now, let me throw another log on this fire....

What if the person Im struggling to explain all this stuff to, is the man Ive been married to for the last seven years? I dont have the option of just "not explaining". Thats what Ive been doing because I unfairly assumed he just wouldnt understand and I never opened up when I should. Now he has decided he WANTS to understand and wants me to explain. But still, everything I say, doesnt seem to come across correctly and he still perceives it differently.

_____________________________

I said I was a submissive, I never said I was a GOOD submissive.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
~Woody Allen

(in reply to xssve)

Post #: 42

RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/19/2011 8:40:56 AM

xssve

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Joined: 10/10/2009
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Ah, well, that's very different.

In my experience, women tend to get bored sexually more easily than men do - that might seem counterintuitive, but after several years of the same 'ol, same 'ol, both partners often crave a little more excitement in their love lives - Seven year itch, it sounds like here, might be a good time to broach it, but it's very difficult to change an established sexual dynamic, it going to boil down to how well you know him.

He might be reticent to try anything new for fear of freaking you out, so might be the best place to start is the old, traditional, "marital aid" approach - put on a sexy outfit, toys, etc., maybe watch some porn that depicts things you'd like - surprise him with a blow job - act submissive, show him the benefits - and if he goes nuts and feels guilty later, you can spring the switcheroo on him, tie him up and spank him for being such a bad boy.

Just my two cents, but I think it might take a little time, and it might generate a bit of cognitive dissonance - in a lot of ways it will be like you are two entirely new people, but at the some time you have that history, and all the habits and assumptions that go with that - you're going to have to get to know each other all over again without destroying what you have.

It might help if you can figure out a way to get really out of character, i.e., come up with a new name, dress differently, so that it will be easier to switch gears, i.e., you can revert back the person he knows after the dust settles or if he starts getting freaked out.

I got that idea from the movie Jade, which might be a good one to watch together, (maybe watch it first yourself), since it's based on a similar situation, but that's basically what dancers, etc., do, they develop whole different personae/identity for the job, in this case, though, it's something that might help him overcome any anxieties, just a thought, something to try, I don't know either of you so all I can do is cover all the bases - ultimately, it's going to come down to communication, it always does.

(in reply to GhitaAmati)

Post #: 43

RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/19/2011 1:41:11 PM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
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quote:

ORIGINAL: GhitaAmati

Thank you to everyone who answered, you've definitely given me a lot to think about.

Now, let me throw another log on this fire....

What if the person Im struggling to explain all this stuff to, is the man Ive been married to for the last seven years? I dont have the option of just "not explaining". Thats what Ive been doing because I unfairly assumed he just wouldnt understand and I never opened up when I should. Now he has decided he WANTS to understand and wants me to explain. But still, everything I say, doesnt seem to come across correctly and he still perceives it differently.

Then a partner of 7 yrs has a reasonable right to know and would have put a completely different slant on my original post. I guess we had a reasonable right to know that minor detail, too....

I think back to my former vanilla partners and while none would be considered lifestyle submissive, they all had strong traits of submissiveness I was drawn to without ever having heard of bdsm or D & s. Vanilla women of the "old school", who still appreciated their man taking charge and making the big decisions etc. But could still get a "headache" when not in the mood, dammit....

I guess I'm saying most of us gravitate to our own kind even when we don't know what "our kind" is - we just know what we like when we see it, even if we can't define it. Something about your hubby drew you to him over others. And seven years seems a long time to keep your inner self from him.

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to GhitaAmati)

Post #: 44

RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/19/2011 1:49:13 PM

LadyConstanze

Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
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I would say give him the book "If somebody you love is kinky" and just let him know what feels good to you and don't go overboard, ease him in...

_____________________________

There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
Those who do and those who don't!

http://exdomme.blogspot.com/2012/07/public-service-announcement.html

(in reply to GhitaAmati)

Post #: 45

RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/19/2011 1:51:01 PM

GhitaAmati

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Yea, I guess I wasnt thinking when I wrote my original post that yall would assume I was referring to someone I didnt actually HAVE to explain myself to. Most of the answers I got were to just NOT explain myself, but I dont have that choice in this situation.

BDSM is nothing entirely "new" to him, he's been in and out of lifestyle groups for just about as long as Ive been alive. At the time we first got together, I was at a point in my life I thought I needed to do without the BDSM stuff and didnt need it anymore. We've randomly tried over the years to add a D/s dynamic to our relationship, its just never really worked. We just dont see eye-to-eye on any of it. With him, its just a physical thing, just a sex game, while with me its a whole lot more. When I first realized years ago that we didnt look at it all the same way, I just ignored it..relished the times he did decide to be rough..and just went on with the rest of our life together. But now I find myself missing the mental connection more and more and I want to explain it to him in a way he understands what it is Im looking for...and why

_____________________________

I said I was a submissive, I never said I was a GOOD submissive.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
~Woody Allen

(in reply to Focus50)

Post #: 46

RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/19/2011 2:14:15 PM

LaTigresse

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I don't think explaining BDSM is the issue. Not at all.

What you are now saying is that you want a power exchange relationship and that he just isn't built that way. Ultimately, you may have to choose, a relationship with him, with both of you being authentically you and accepting one another as you are while working towards the common goal of the relationship...........or the two of you part and find partners that are better suited to the type of relationships you need.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to GhitaAmati)

Post #: 47

RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/19/2011 2:16:24 PM

FukinTroll

Posts: 6277
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From: Under a bridge
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

I don't think explaining BDSM is the issue. Not at all.

What you are now saying is that you want a power exchange relationship and that he just isn't built that way. Ultimately, you may have to choose, a relationship with him, with both of you being authentically you and accepting one another as you are while working towards the common goal of the relationship...........or the two of you part and find partners that are better suited to the type of relationships you need.

Or there is the frontal lobotomy option. Why do you always forget that one LaT?

SLURP!

_____________________________

I'm the guy your girl is thinking about when she is fucking you!

TrollTopia
Greedy Groupie!

The Mods have me on speed Spank!! Gotta luv'em.

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 48

RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/19/2011 2:17:36 PM

LaTigresse

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I tend to save those for the Politics and Religioun section.

And slurp back atcha, ya big ugly green thang.

< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 1/19/2011 2:18:12 PM >

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to FukinTroll)

Post #: 49

RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/19/2011 2:22:13 PM

FukinTroll

Posts: 6277
Joined: 2/6/2007
From: Under a bridge
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

I tend to save those for the Politics and Religioun section.

And slurp back atcha, ya big ugly green thang.

Holy smoke! I thought the lobotomy was the precursor to the politics and religion section. My bad.

Yer still muh fav lesbo LaT, don't let anyone tell ya dif baby!

_____________________________

I'm the guy your girl is thinking about when she is fucking you!

TrollTopia
Greedy Groupie!

The Mods have me on speed Spank!! Gotta luv'em.

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 50

RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/19/2011 2:49:40 PM

mnottertail

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Well Ghita, start with why you cant eat soybeans, and catch him on a day when you are riding the cotton pony and explain to him how you have these hormones, and how babies like to be all wrapped up in swaddling and held tight and played with.........

And why women read harlequin romances even though they are exactly the same plot
woman meets man and hates his fucking guts, thereby loving him via the tension and whatnot.......sorta like the old :

Barebreasted and black trousered Lance Vapid, having lashed Sha'nika Adams with coils of hempen rope to the Ancient Sassafras Tree that identified the old plantation in the moonlight, began uncoiling his whip, carelessly, and, almost as an afterthought he rended her panties from her heaving bucking hips-------saying, goddam girl, what kinda spanish moss thing you got going on down there? Some roquefort lookin shit there, dawg............

Ernest Hemingway

So, you have hormones.
They are different from a mans.
You process these emotions differently than a man, but have the same ones (more or less)
you want to be hedged in mentally like a babe in swaddling cloths
you want intense intention paid to you time to time
you like the emotional ride and it is part of the whole inundated experience and.....

just like telling him the firing order of a 331 Dodge Hemi.

Factual and step by step like an owners manual. Forget about any shit you are gonna say that it cheapens it, or that it makes it sound tawdry or comic bookie when you say it.

I like it when you force me to .... against my will because it makes me feel like a babe in swaddling, all warm and comfortable, I know my boundries and how to work in them.

I like it when you .....................because it makes me feel <appropriate visualistic :like: symbol here> (not the vague emotional chemical shit you cunts spew)

I like it when you make me serve you in this or that way when in bed because it makes me feel like a florence nightingalelike whore nursing Clint Eastwood to health in The Outlaw Josey Wales, in The Unforgiven...............in fuckin near any movie hes been in, and that blows my dress up like a motherfucker.

He will get that. You don't need the usual Ron translator official girl for this, Ghita, you get what I am saying...

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to GhitaAmati)

Post #: 51

RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/19/2011 3:44:26 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

ok so now you present an entirely different situation.

This has nothing to do with explaining this to him. He knows.

He just doesn't want what you want. That's nothing at all like you first explained.

At this point you're either going to have to live with the fact that he will never be the man you seem to want and just enjoy the times he gives you a little of what you want....

Or you're going to have to move on or get him to agree to allow you someone outside your relationship.

Not really many other options I'm afraid.

(in reply to mnottertail)

Post #: 52

RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/19/2011 5:02:27 PM

StrongSpirit

Posts: 575
Joined: 4/10/2005
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I talk about what I personally enjoy, not about BDSM in general. I make clear that I like to play games, like to be in charge and in general take the role that TV gives to sitcom wives (for some reason every single sitcom man is a sub that does whatever his wife tells him to.)

As I personally am a dominant, not a masochist, I go out of the way to emphasize that I don't hurt the woman - at least not more than a spanking.

(in reply to sexyred1)

Post #: 53

RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/19/2011 7:08:07 PM

slaveluci

Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
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quote:

ORIGINAL: JohnWarren

That's what BDSM is: Steak and lobster and the rest of the poor sods are getting by on dry toast.

Ah, but if those "poor sods" prefer dry toast, it's not just "getting by" at all, eh? BDSM is MY personal steak and lobster but if that's not one's taste, doesn't mean they are just "getting by." I know some very happy vanilla "sods."

luci

_____________________________

To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

(in reply to JohnWarren)

Post #: 54

RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/20/2011 3:54:05 AM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

And why women read harlequin romances even though they are exactly the same plot
woman meets man and hates his fucking guts, thereby loving him via the tension and whatnot.......

Welllllllll, us fellas have Steven Seagal movies....

They're exactly the same movie retitled and I can still sit through them.

Which I find somewhat disturbing, actually....

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to mnottertail)

Post #: 55

RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/20/2011 7:02:02 AM

xssve

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Joined: 10/10/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveluci

quote:

ORIGINAL: JohnWarren

That's what BDSM is: Steak and lobster and the rest of the poor sods are getting by on dry toast.

Ah, but if those "poor sods" prefer dry toast, it's not just "getting by" at all, eh? BDSM is MY personal steak and lobster but if that's not one's taste, doesn't mean they are just "getting by." I know some very happy vanilla "sods."

luci

That's a no brainer: they're masochists.

(in reply to slaveluci)

Post #: 56

RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/20/2011 7:46:56 AM

poise

Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: GhitaAmati

Yea, I guess I wasnt thinking when I wrote my original post that yall would assume I was referring to someone I didnt actually HAVE to explain myself to. Most of the answers I got were to just NOT explain myself, but I dont have that choice in this situation.

But now I find myself missing the mental connection more and more and I want to explain it to him in a way he understands what it is Im looking for...and why

I would be hard pressed to give you the words to use in explaining to your husband
what you crave and the reasons why, because we all have different buttons.
For me, I get the most joy mentally in his feeling of entitlement.
But that statement alone is just the tip of the iceberg.

So Ghita, what is it you are looking for, and why? Write your answers out here, or to yourself first.
Once you feel you have targeted the reasons, communicating them should be easier.

_____________________________

When the path ignites a soul, there’s no remaining in place.

(in reply to GhitaAmati)

Post #: 57

RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/22/2011 12:31:11 PM

GhitaAmati

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Ok....So I took the day to finally get all my thoughts together and write out what I HOPE will help get myself understood by him. Not sure, Im always horrible about this sort of thing. Probably what got me into this trouble in the 1st place. Anyway, this is what I wrote, I plan on giving it to him when he gets home this evening. I know its fairly personal, but I really do have a reason for posting it. If anyone reads anything in it that really doesnt make sense, or thinks something could be elaborated better could you please let me know? thanks.

ghita~
____________________

Im not even sure where to begin this, but I know its stuff I should be saying, so Im going to try. You say you want me to always be able to talk to you, and I say I get frustrated because you never understand me. But the truth is, sometimes I think I don’t always try hard enough to get my thoughts across because in some small way, Im always afraid that if you ever DID understand me, your opinion of me would change, like somehow you might begin to disapprove of me.

I know the collar came off a long time ago because you and I both realized it never really MEANT anything between us, or that it meant different things to both of us and neither one of us were meeting each others expectations. But I don’t think either one of us ever really let the other know what our expectations WERE before putting the collar on. We just both assumed the other knew what we wanted and jumped in. I guess that was a mistake.

I don’t WANT structure. I never have. I just don’t always handle rules and micromanagement very well. I guess sometimes they have their place, because they can take away the stress of having to make decisions and worrying about if Im making the RIGHT decision. But its really not the life I want to NEVER have the power to choose or not anything for myself. And that’s a hell of a burden to place on someone else anyway. I guess sometimes they can be fun, in little ways…the typical “don’t wear underwear under that” or “wear a dress and heels tonight” or “find some place to masturbate while thinking of me today” or even everyday shit like “I want you to be a good girl and wash the dishes for me today and maybe you can have a surprise later if you do well”. I don’t know silly crap. But the over the top rules and regulations and monotony and micromanagement and no room for free thought I hate and balk against and always have. Yea yea, good thing I never went in the military, I know. Sometimes, rules and requests can give me that hot, flushed feeling that makes me all tingly, depending on what they are and how they’re delivered, and sometimes they can just make me resentful. Maybe that’s not very subbie like, to only want someone to make the rules that make me feel good, but in a way, it still is. Because it’s supposed to be a two way balance right? Where both people are getting something out of it? But its still hard for me to come right out and ASK for specific things, because then it feels like you are just doing it because of me and then YOU are the one not getting anything out of it.

I don’t want structure, I just want your attention. I want that warm and fuzzy feeling. I want to feel my face get hot and flushed when you whisper things in my ear just out of the hearing of others. I want to feel my head go all wonky again when someone uses the way my body reacts to things even when im not expecting it too...I actually LIKE the way I feel when someone takes the time to figure out what to do to take me JUST barely to that edge of humiliation and degradation and start to push my boundaries ever so slightly to the point of being embarrassed that I might actually be enjoying something I automatically feel like I should react against but don’t. I feel comfortable when someone gets that far inside my head. I don’t see it as unhealthy. It WOULD be unhealthy if I allowed someone whom I didn’t have 100% trust in to do it. But whats unhealthy about allowing someone you love that much intimacy? I guess it would be if the person I let get that close to me wanted to be malicious, but what I want is someone to use that power only for the pleasure of it, not mental pain. How much more attention can you get than having someone take the time to know exactly what buttons to push and how to make you respond with the littlest word or touch?

I like feeling your touch, whether it be for pleasure or pain, because its your touch and its your attention. I enjoy the pain because I enjoy the force. When I give up control, it takes away some of the panic, and the fear, from everyday stuff. Even if just for a moment, it lets me let go and just enjoy. When you grab my throat and smack my face unexpectedly, it makes everything go warm and tingly because as much as I know I shouldn’t enjoy it, I still do, and that little tiny conflict inside my head makes me blush and reminds me that I really am your slut and that’s exactly what I want to be. The endorphins from the pain just give it all that added rush and excitement.

Some of that feeling I was able to get from the swinging stuff, which in a way is why I enjoyed it so much. As much as I hate having to admit it, I actually like feeling like a slut. I just don’t want to feel like the cheap horrible manipulative whore type slut that Maddie kept making me out to be. I want to be your slut, even when playing with other people, which I enjoy, I still want to feel like Im doing it with your approval and even your desire. Because even if its physically someone else fucking me or beating me or saying things to me to make me blush and leave wet spots on my seat, its still YOU who gave me the attention and the permission and the opportunity to have those things happen. And then, not only do I have YOUR attention, Ive got someone else’s also. And whats can be better than extra attention and sensation?

Ok. Ill admit it. Im an attention whore. Is there a 12 step program for that?

_____________________________

I said I was a submissive, I never said I was a GOOD submissive.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
~Woody Allen

(in reply to poise)

Post #: 58

RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/22/2011 12:45:07 PM

81song

Posts: 293
Joined: 1/22/2005
Status: offline

Well for myself I am very discrete and do not need to tell anyone really. But if I am going out with a girl and as in the case of right now, well I am very upfront with her. She does not understand a lot but sometimes she asked questions and I try to answer her, but thats about it.

(in reply to sexyred1)

Post #: 59

RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/22/2011 12:50:27 PM

FukinTroll

Posts: 6277
Joined: 2/6/2007
From: Under a bridge
Status: offline

Alrighty... I may not be the smartest troll under the bridge, but from what I have read your dynamic isn't the issue, it's your value, or your perceived value in the relationship. Obviously your intimacy isn't the problem, you feel that he thinks you are stupid. Now before you just knee-jerk and react to that, think hard, re-read what you posted and you will arrive, possibly, to the same conclusion.

The heated meat of your post is about the micromanagement. Which I can only assume that his idea of how things should run and operate are probably the same as you, but you heard him the first time, reacted the first time and when he lays it all out for you over and over again it makes you feel like you are not intelligent enough to keep life in order, run and operate the life that surrounds you without stringent direction.

This could be just your issue that you need to work out, but odds are good his perceptions (we'll say based on labels) is that a /s is supposed to be told repeatedly, micromanaged and/or is incapable of making the simplest, let alone complex decisions in the day to day relationship.

Odds are fair that I may be wrong, however I read your post, see that your dynamic is gratifying save the micromanagement which leads me to believe that you feel stupid and devalued over the issue.

_____________________________

I'm the guy your girl is thinking about when she is fucking you!

TrollTopia
Greedy Groupie!

The Mods have me on speed Spank!! Gotta luv'em.

(in reply to GhitaAmati)

Post #: 60

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