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RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/22/2011 12:52:00 PM   
JstAnotherSub


Posts: 6174
Status: offline 		I wouldn't even try to explain it to someone like you describe.  Why bother?

eta, after reading the thread

I still don't think I would attempt to explain it.  I would leave the relationship, if it didn't give me everything I needed.

Good luck to you though.  I hope it works out where both of you can be content.

< Message edited by JstAnotherSub -- 1/22/2011 1:04:54 PM >

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RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/22/2011 12:59:39 PM   
JstAnotherSub


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quote:

ORIGINAL: JohnWarren

That's what BDSM is: Steak and lobster and the rest of the poor sods are getting by on dry toast.




I just don't like that comparison.  It sounds, TO ME, as if it claims somehow that someone into bdsm, wiitwd, however you describe it, is somehow superior to someone who is not in to it.

That leaves the door open to all who think we are somehow freakish to claim they are more right, superior, whatever.

If we want to be accepted, in spite of the fact we like "different" stuff, I think we have to accept that it is ok to not like "different" stuff and that is ok too.

Sorry for the hijack, but that sentence hit me wrong for some reason!



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RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/22/2011 2:00:47 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		ghita,

My question(s):

What part of this do you think he doesn't understand?

You had said he is mainly into the physical stuff... and you need more of a mental aspect, and yet within what you wrote, the parts that you say you want tend to be connected to the physical.
You want his attention... and you want his physical attentions.

So, what part of you isn't he getting?

Why are you feeling so alone?

I am asking this because it doesn't seem like the 2 of you are so very different on what you want and yet, you seem to be having a very big disconnect.

He says he wants to know you and you are afraid to tell him.

I think what you have written is a great beginning but to me, it seems like there is still something that isn't being said.


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RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/22/2011 2:51:11 PM   
dreamerdreaming


Posts: 2839
Status: offline 		Ghita, take My opinion for just that. But IMHO, the whole long middle part of the post where you go on and on about how you don't need/desire structure/micromanangement, etc. as a part of your dynamic is just overkill. Its repetitive and rambling. Shorten it to just a few sentences. Be concise.

Basically in that last long post, you seem to be saying that you're not a good D/s match for him. That he wants more of a 24/7 service + sex s, while what you want is to be more of a bedroom, sex s. This conflicts with your earlier statements.

I get that you do want the emotional part to extend out past the bedroom, but you seem to be saying you want the expression of that confined mostly to physical(sexual) demonstration.

So which is it? Whatever- your D/s needs aren't a good fit with his.

Say you have a puzzle piece and it looks like it fits. You mash it in place even though it is apparent as soon as you try, that it really doesn't fit just right, like it should. It doesn't go in easily, like it was made to fit together with the other pieces. It might look like a really close match, but its the wrong piece, in the wrong place. And now you've just messed up the whole puzzle. Fooling yourself won't change that.

The trick is to find someone whose D/s AND vanilla goals, needs and desires mesh well with yours. Then things will feel right.

If he will let you see someone else who "gets" your D/s needs, and let you get those needs fulfilled with that someone, and do this as a part of your relationship with him, and that feeds his needs as well- to let you do that- then that's one solution. But I don't think you can make him "get" your D/s, that way. Or he already would have.

Stop trying to jam that puzzle piece in a place where you know it really doesn't fit. Its frustrating, huh? You'll be happier and healthier when you can focus your efforts where they'll be productive.



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RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/22/2011 3:51:31 PM   
xssve


Posts: 3589
Joined: 10/10/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JstAnotherSub

quote:

ORIGINAL: JohnWarren

That's what BDSM is: Steak and lobster and the rest of the poor sods are getting by on dry toast.



I just don't like that comparison.  It sounds, TO ME, as if it claims somehow that someone into bdsm, wiitwd, however you describe it, is somehow superior to someone who is not in to it.

That leaves the door open to all who think we are somehow freakish to claim they are more right, superior, whatever.

If we want to be accepted, in spite of the fact we like "different" stuff, I think we have to accept that it is ok to not like "different" stuff and that is ok too.

Sorry for the hijack, but that sentence hit me wrong for some reason!


Lighten up, he's kidding - on the other hand, how many kinky people you know go back to good old missionary position in the dark?

Some do, I'm sure, and like Augustine, I pray for chastity myself - just not yet.

Point being, I guess, it's like giving up anything you really like - love even, it's asking a lot of somebody to stop doing it, people get divorced over this sort of thing.

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RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/22/2011 5:02:44 PM   
JstAnotherSub


Posts: 6174
Status: offline 		I guess I missed the part where he said he was kidding.  Glad you can read his mind through font though!

My apologies for not realizing it was in jest. 

I still think to many act as if this thing somehow makes them better or superior, and again, I think it is just differences.

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RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/22/2011 6:12:12 PM   
came4U


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From: London, Ontario
Status: offline
quote:

When you are talking to someone who believes that its wrong for someone to try to control someone else's mind and how its wrong for someone to open up that much of their head to someone else, how do you make them see what a good thing it is to you and how much you want it?


I don't.

Whether they are nilla women or men, if they don't know or understand the validity one would feel in a TPE, then they don't need sexplain' to. 

Tried that a few times long ago....explainin' then attempting the create a Dominant out of a vanilla guy. HAHA.  What a disaster!!  The next days usually begin with ...'Ok, yer such a pretty gurl--now lets FIX this obsession with enjoying feeling weak and you will be Alllll bettah!'

Fix me? LOL  I ain't broken, (as a vanilla man) YOU are!!




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RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/22/2011 6:42:49 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: xssve

Lighten up, he's kidding



I don't think he was. And yes, I also found it offensive. However I do understand the exasperation of trying to explain taste to someone.But by saying those who don't beat their partners are having boring sex while those who do are having better sex is offensive. You either are wired for it or you aren't.

My oldest can't tolerate anything spicy. Her first cousin can't stand food that doesn't have hot sauce poured on it. They both have sensory integration problems but are at opposite ends of the spectrum. Neither one is right or wrong, and those of us who like plain toast for breakfast but spicy food for dinner aren't right or wrong either. We just are who we are.

Now as far as advice to the OP. Ghita, you've wrapped it all around with words and the meat of it's getting lost. Basically, it's something like "Honey, I don't need you to tell me what to do, because when you do that I feel like you think I'm stupid. I just want you to focus on me the way you did when we met. And I need to focus on you in that way".

But the truth is that the new relationship energy is enthralling and addicting and it just doesn't last. Not with washing machines flooding the house and cars needing repairs and the rest of real life.

So you want to get your fix of his attention through play. When he isn't watching tv, or sleeping in front of it, but instead looking into your eyes and growling at you not to dare cum. Because it's his attention, his focusing on you that just sends you.


< Message edited by DesFIP -- 1/22/2011 6:53:17 PM >

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RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/23/2011 4:58:19 AM   
xssve


Posts: 3589
Joined: 10/10/2009
Status: offline 		John has been around longer than I have, longer than you, longer than anybody I'm pretty sure - no, I don't know him personally, but you can get to know him through his posts and the books he's written, and he's anything but a stuffed shirt.

If he was being absolutely serious, it qualifies as an opinion, nothing else, so no reason to get your knickers in a bind, we're all entitled to at least one.

Many many vanillas apparently feel far superior to me and do not hesitate to make their opinion known to me in no uncertain terms - I say they don't know what they're missing.

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RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/23/2011 5:41:56 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		Ghita,

I agree with dreamer that your letter is too long. I recommend using bullet points and emphasizing how the dynamic you seek benefits him as well as you.

KK

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RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/23/2011 7:20:57 AM   
JstAnotherSub


Posts: 6174
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: xssve

John has been around longer than I have, longer than you, longer than anybody I'm pretty sure - no, I don't know him personally, but you can get to know him through his posts and the books he's written, and he's anything but a stuffed shirt.

If he was being absolutely serious, it qualifies as an opinion, nothing else, so no reason to get your knickers in a bind, we're all entitled to at least one.

Many many vanillas apparently feel far superior to me and do not hesitate to make their opinion known to me in no uncertain terms - I say they don't know what they're missing.



That reply wasn't to me but.....I am aware who he is, I am aware that he has written some awesome things, and I am aware he only offered an opinion, if he was serious.

I offered an opinion back, and, since he is the confident man that he is, I am sure, if he was joking, he would have let me know.  If he had a problem with my opinion differing from his, he would let me know. 

So, you are the knickers in a wad person here, as you seem to feel the need to try to tell me what someone else meant by the words they typed.

Get over it.  We all have opinions.  Mine is, it came off as thinking kinky folks are superior.  Please allow the man to let me know if I misinterpreted his words.  I have on my big girl panties, and I can really take it that, sometimes, I am going to have a different opinion than someone else.

< Message edited by JstAnotherSub -- 1/23/2011 7:22:15 AM >

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RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/23/2011 7:23:29 AM   
osf


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Joined: 10/19/2009
Status: offline 		someone explain it to me

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RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/23/2011 7:32:24 AM   
poise


Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
Status: offline 		I think that no matter how hard you deny it, you really do want and need more structure than he
is giving you. I feel you may get a taste of that mental connection you are missing by having him give you
assignments. Not necessarily rules, but a daily or a weekly assignment for you to accomplish, and do it the
best you can. The act of pleasing him should soon dispel any feeling of resentment. This will give you more
of his attention that you crave, and will also give him an opportunity to mentally lead.

Even if the assigments he chooses are things you would do automatically, like wash the floors,
or cook his favorite meal. Having him verbally expect it of you makes it worth doing even better.

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RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/23/2011 11:23:01 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		poise, you have the most delicious avatars!

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Profile   Post #: 74
RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/23/2011 12:27:13 PM   
MalcolmNathaniel


Posts: 1394
Joined: 9/20/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JstAnotherSub

quote:

ORIGINAL: JohnWarren

That's what BDSM is: Steak and lobster and the rest of the poor sods are getting by on dry toast.




I just don't like that comparison.  It sounds, TO ME, as if it claims somehow that someone into bdsm, wiitwd, however you describe it, is somehow superior to someone who is not in to it.

That leaves the door open to all who think we are somehow freakish to claim they are more right, superior, whatever.

If we want to be accepted, in spite of the fact we like "different" stuff, I think we have to accept that it is ok to not like "different" stuff and that is ok too.

Sorry for the hijack, but that sentence hit me wrong for some reason!





Perhaps a better analogy would be "steak or Cajun-style blackened steak."  Some people don't like as much spice and some do.

P.S. For the pedants out there: Yes, I know that blackened steak isn't actually Cajun but was a marketing gimmick.

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RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/23/2011 1:00:02 PM   
MalcolmNathaniel


Posts: 1394
Joined: 9/20/2010
Status: offline 		First, allow me to say that I like the SBR.*  I'm a bit of a firearms enthusiast myself.

After reading through the entire thread, I think I see what you are saying.  You want a little bit of control, occasionally, but not a steady diet of it.  He sees it as an all or nothing prospect.  Is this correct?

If so, my advice is to shorten that letter significantly.  When you start talking about feelings most men get a severe case of MEGO.  It sounds that what you need is negotiation and for him to pay more attention to you.  Based just on this thread, perhaps something like once a week, and without warning, he can decide what you wear - and you don't have the right to refuse.  Hey, you'd cut a stunning figure at the range with a little black dress and heels to match that rifle.  Or perhaps that's the day he decides that he wants you in a burqa.  That would probably also cause a bit of conversation.  :-)  Or perhaps  just in the bedroom you relinquish control. Or whatever it is that the two of you decide.  My main point is that you need to negotiate some sort of happy medium - and I don't mean a smiling spiritualist.

I notice that he thinks of it as just a game, but you feel so much more.  There is no reason why, as long as he realizes that you do need this occasionally, you can't both get different things out of it.

Of course I could be way off base about what you are asking.

*Scary Black Rifle.

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Profile   Post #: 76
RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/23/2011 1:34:00 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: xssve

John has been around longer than I have, longer than you, longer than anybody I'm pretty sure - no, I don't know him personally, but you can get to know him through his posts and the books he's written, and he's anything but a stuffed shirt.

If he was being absolutely serious, it qualifies as an opinion, nothing else, so no reason to get your knickers in a bind, we're all entitled to at least one.

Many many vanillas apparently feel far superior to me and do not hesitate to make their opinion known to me in no uncertain terms - I say they don't know what they're missing.



Except for those who've tried it an disliked it. Lots of vanillas out there who have done just that for their spouses and decided it isn't them. And that they want to be able to lie there in the dark on occasion, half asleep, and have their spouse roll on top of them, and have gentle lovemaking.

And if you're unable to enjoy that and need every single time to be a production with ropes and chains and hours carved out, well then I say you don't know what you're missing.

And yes John is allowed his opinion, which is all it is, not gospel truth. And several of us have different opinions of his post than yours - to wit, we found his comment offensive, which was no better than the guy he said it to, who was equally offensive. Tit for tat doesn't build bridges, it just reinforces walls.


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RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/23/2011 2:40:39 PM   
poise


Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

poise, you have the most delicious avatars!

Thank you KK. I enjoy playing around with them.

MalcolmNathaniel, There is a restaurant here in Louisiana that makes
the most delicious blackened steak po'boy ever! It sucks that they are in
one of those out of the way, funky schedule kind of places. But oh so worth it!

The moral of this little tidbit of information is, I would defintely make the effort
to get my hands on that steak po'boy as opposed to going around the corner for
a vanilla ice cream cone. It doesnt lessen the joy of licking an ice cream cone, but
it does satisfy my hunger in a way that ice cream can't.

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RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/23/2011 4:20:30 PM   
MalcolmNathaniel


Posts: 1394
Joined: 9/20/2010
Status: offline 		Those out of the way places are the best!

Near here (for a give value of "near") there is a Thai restaurant in a strip mall just inside the Poconos.  A strip mall!

It's also one of the best Thai restaurants in the country.  In a strip mall in East Nowhere, PA!

If you are saying that it's one of the best in Louisiana then I have to assume that it's pretty darned good.  IIRC the last time I was there you could still get the death penalty for serving a bad meal anywhere between Lake Charles and NOLA.

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Profile   Post #: 79
RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/23/2011 4:29:42 PM   
poise


Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
Status: offline 		Heck, it isnt the dish alone, but you also have to respect the name of it too.
I've gotten a few of those "if looks could kill" stares for my tendency to pronounce po'boy properly.


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Profile   Post #: 80
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