RE: Looking for a dynamic or a person?

RE: Looking for a dynamic or a person? (Full Version)

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osf -> RE: Looking for a dynamic or a person? (1/25/2011 7:55:34 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: NuevaVida In my case, I wasn't looking at all. However, in his case, he wanted a person who would fit comfortably into his life. Someone who would fit comfortably in his life is someone who wanted the same relationship dynamic he did. So he came here (dynamic) to look for "me" (person). Hence (love that word), he looked for both, together. I have encountered dominant men who have an ideal M/s or D/s relationship in their heads, and who query submissive women's profiles in order to to fill that gap. Any submissive who responds will do, as long as he can turn her into what he wants. While that worked with me in the past, it would not work with me now. I need to be who I am, not what someone else wants me to be. while I agree not anyone should do, the one he chooses he should be permitted to change her to fit his wants, otherwise to me it seems a relationship of equals, where's the submission?

LadyPact -> RE: Looking for a dynamic or a person? (1/25/2011 8:41:45 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Elisabella I finally figured out what's been bugging me about most of the profiles on the other side of the site. So many people just put the type of relationship they're interested in, instead of describing the type of person they want. Does the relationship style take precedence for people looking for a relationship here? I'm addressing only people looking for a LTR...for hookups it's the same in vanilla, you describe the type of hookup you're looking for and a bit about yourself, but for LTR's it seems totally different. Is being interested in BDSM the same as prioritizing BDSM? Technically, I'm not looking, but I'm going to answer this anyway. In the case of those who are poly, I would have to say that the relationship style does come first. I see that instance as very much a yes or no thing. No matter how compatible I might be with someone in every other area, like them as a person, and everything else that I would consider, if the poly thing doesn't work, that really is the end of it.

submitting4U -> RE: Looking for a dynamic or a person? (1/25/2011 9:37:30 AM)
For me this question raises the issue of the "objectification" of the other person. If one has the capacities to "see" the other person as a breathing, feeling, human being with purpose in life than the "dynamic" becomes apparent and important regardless of whether it is either a casual or primary relationship. If one is so narcissistically inclined, getting to know you or the "other" person is simply not possible. The narcissitic type relationships are too common in the D/s community as the preverbal injuries that cause narcissism similarly create the foundation or prediliction for fetish obsessions or D/s maladies.

MalcolmNathaniel -> RE: Looking for a dynamic or a person? (1/25/2011 10:57:21 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Elisabella I finally figured out what's been bugging me about most of the profiles on the other side of the site. So many people just put the type of relationship they're interested in, instead of describing the type of person they want. ..... Is being interested in BDSM the same as prioritizing BDSM? Perhaps it is that this is the hardest thing to find. All of these numbers will pulled out of thin air: Let's say on of your hobbies is watching football (American football or soccer.) You wear your teams jersey every Sunday to show your support among the group down at the bar/pub/tavern. About 75% of the people in the world like football - it's easy to find someone that shares your hobby. Now you're faced with the task of finding the 10% of football fans that are into BDSM. Now you've got to find the 33% of the ten percent that are your complement in the Dom/sub or switch category. Now you need to winnow that down further by finding someone who is at your level of intensity. Do you just want to play on the weekends with a little light bondage or do you want to live 24/7 in D/s with constant edgeplay? All this in a situation (football fans) where social approbation is a very real possibility due to this hobby because, let's face it, BDSM is either vilified as a perversion or laughed at as a joke in the mainstream populace. If, however, you start with a pool of BDSM enthusiasts who aren't going to run for the hills over your particular kinks then finding someone who can tolerate watching a football game is not very difficult - and it certainly won't be a deal breaker. So it's not a matter of prioritizing BDSM but a matter of maximizing effect from your search parameters. These numbers are not made up: there are 36 categories under BDSM in "interests" on the profiles. There are 9 choices ranging from hard limit to live for it under each. That is 9^36 possible combinations. For those that don't have a calculator handy that works out to 2 X 10^34 - a 2 with 34 zeros after it. The chances of finding someone to match that precisely are, quite literally, astronomical. That's a larger number than the number of stars in the observable universe. Depressing, isn't it? But it's easy to find someone who likes football - even if you want to limit yourself to fans of one team. :-)

DesFIP -> RE: Looking for a dynamic or a person? (1/25/2011 2:25:19 PM)
As far as I can tell from the profiles that pop up on the home page, most people here aren't looking for a relationship or even a dynamic, just to have their list of activities met. In a strange way, I compare them with birders. Birders don't care about the beauty of the woods nor do they appreciate the songs of the birds, they just want to be able to check them off their life lists and go on to the next.

littlewonder -> RE: Looking for a dynamic or a person? (1/25/2011 3:19:09 PM)
When I was searching for someone a long time ago I looked for a man, a person, with a dominant personality. I didn't care if he was a "Dom". I didn't care if he was kinky. I cared that he had a personality that matched mine.

sblady -> RE: Looking for a dynamic or a person? (1/25/2011 3:34:04 PM)
When I was seeking, the first thing I looked for was a Dominant male. Next, was non-kink compatibility. In fact, I removed all kink related likes, etc. from my profile as some would get fixated on one or two kinks; toss in submissive and we were made for each other. Yeah, not so much. I'm not defined by my kinks and though I identify as submissive, that doesn't mean I'd be a good match for anyone wearing a Dom label. I'm no longer seeking and set my profile up to pretty much discouraging those seeking more than platonic relationships. Doesn't stop all the goofy/off e-mails, but mail preview does. [:D]

LPslittleclip -> RE: Looking for a dynamic or a person? (1/25/2011 4:36:25 PM)
when i was looking i was looking for a person to be a play partner. it worked out that i became Her collared slave as i fit very well into the dynamic of Her poly family. so the person came before the dynamic in my case and as my Mistress said i fit many of Her requirements before becoming part of Her dynamic. i am glad that i found my Mistress and very much love it.

FukinTroll -> RE: Looking for a dynamic or a person? (1/25/2011 5:43:34 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Elisabella I finally figured out what's been bugging me about most of the profiles on the other side of the site. So many people just put the type of relationship they're interested in, instead of describing the type of person they want. Does the relationship style take precedence for people looking for a relationship here? I'm addressing only people looking for a LTR...for hookups it's the same in vanilla, you describe the type of hookup you're looking for and a bit about yourself, but for LTR's it seems totally different. Is being interested in BDSM the same as prioritizing BDSM? First off, lovely lil thread. For me it is about lining up all my little monsters so she/they can see them an say, Hmmm... those lil monsters is cute an I wanna play with'em. I like being very strait forward about what it is I am looking for, the who it is can vary as long as our interests or meeting each others. I wrote my profile very blunt and harsh cuz the mail was overwhelming, that is no longer the case, I guess it was spooky enough to cut down on the do-me types. More importantly my profile is not fiction or far from the truth, however it is exaggerated slightly for a harshness that sends the princesses running. I am here for a LTR an don't want to be bothered with anything casual. So the who is not as important, to me, as the simpatico state that we can find our LTR from. I have needs and wants jus as she/they do, an ideally her/their needs are being fulfilled by the very action of fulfilling mine. My wants are being addressed by reaching out to her wants. I am not many things that culminate together to make WIITWD, but I do possess aspects that make this the perfect medium for me to meet her/them. In this place we are allowed the virtue to put our freaks on parade an not be surprised by them much later. Now I am of the mind that the /s' get more mail than Santa at x-mas, so it is their market. I do not contact /s', if she/they see what they like then she/they can contact me. No point in her wading through an endless list of freak mail jus to overlook mine. An if she/they truly want to know who I am an what makes me tick, she/they can find it on this side of CM. I have found some fantastic friends on this side of CM an what makes the connection so fantastic is they know me, accept me and (for the most part) forgive me when life takes me away from here. YMMV SLURP

NuevaVida -> RE: Looking for a dynamic or a person? (1/25/2011 10:37:58 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: osf while I agree not anyone should do, the one he chooses he should be permitted to change her to fit his wants, otherwise to me it seems a relationship of equals, where's the submission? Submission to us isn't about changing me to fit what he wants. He found what he wants with me. My submission to him is about him being in authority and setting the rules for me, our relationship, and our lives. He didn't want to spend his energy on having to change someone. He just wants to enjoy his life, leading and being served by the woman he loves. While that may look like equals to some, we are both perfectly aware of who is in charge here.

LillyBoPeep -> RE: Looking for a dynamic or a person? (1/25/2011 10:53:53 PM)
great point, NuevaVida

ranja -> RE: Looking for a dynamic or a person? (1/26/2011 1:24:10 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: littlewonder When I was searching for someone a long time ago I looked for a man, a person, with a dominant personality. I didn't care if he was a "Dom". I didn't care if he was kinky. I cared that he had a personality that matched mine. That goes for me too If i was looking now i would just put pictures of myself up to 'sell' myself and not much text at all as almost all men are quite visual If i was 'vetting' guys profiles i would be looking for imagination and humor.

RapierFugue -> RE: Looking for a dynamic or a person? (1/26/2011 2:19:52 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ranja If i was 'vetting' guys profiles i would be looking for imagination and humor. Since I'm more interested (these days at least) in something more LTR-related, I'd tend to start with the personality, then see how the kink "meshed". I’m also more about someone I can help define and develop than someone who’s already completely “fixed” in terms of who they are and what they want. I sometimes think this is why I tend to date younger girls, on average, though not always. As to “dynamic or a person”, I want a dynamic person :)

Whiplashsmile4 -> RE: Looking for a dynamic or a person? (1/26/2011 2:25:40 AM)
The reality is that it's a combination of both and then some.

barelynangel -> RE: Looking for a dynamic or a person? (1/26/2011 4:02:14 AM)
For me its both, and in a lot of profiles i see the same mixture. The Man i bring in my life will need to fit the relationship i am seeking and i presume i will need to fit his. I won't get in a relationship with a person who wants a relationship completely opposite or out of the realm of what i seek in a relationship. I would find it odd if people on a BDSM site who are seeking a relationship wouldn't ALSO seek the relationship specific person. For me, many times the Man and the relationship become one in the same because the Man i seek is the type of man who will by nature be the foundation of the relationship i seek also. Our relationship will naturally form because of the people we are - i really don't believe it can be separated. angel

LaTigresse -> RE: Looking for a dynamic or a person? (1/26/2011 7:58:09 AM)
I've been thinking about this thread off and on since it began. I also think it is a combination of the two. Obviously, at least to me, the person is most important......but it isn't that simple. What it really comes down to, to me, is that if the dynamic potential doesn't exist within the person, then we will just end up butting heads and creating unpleasant drama. Or, simply drifting apart. Being dominant is me, it is my personality. People that are annoyed or put off by that will naturally not be interested in me for long. Similarly, the opposite. I have come to expect that the people I am in a relationship with behave a certain way, do things for me, defer to my decisions. Hell, even before I became a big Domme, the people around me expected it of me. I was the one holding myself back from being my own authentic self. They saw what I didn't, and perhaps was too afraid to see. Now it just feels natural and normal. Even the guy I live with, that has stuck with me through much of the evolution saw a strength and ability to lead in me, when I was young and clueless. It was what attracted him to me. Now, with his natural vanilla submission and desire to please me, and my natural instinct to lead and rule my happy little hacienda.......we are both much happier. So even then, 20 years ago, the person and the dynamic within, while relatively unknown to the individuals, was drawing the individuals together. It just took 20 years for it to blossom. My early relationships with women were much the same. I ruined two great relationships before I grew into a mentally and emotionally mature, leader.

leadership527 -> RE: Looking for a dynamic or a person? (1/26/2011 11:00:47 AM)
Actually, I see it as totally the same as the vanilla world. MOST people are not hooking up with other people, they are trying to create some vision in their head about some relationship which will make them theoretically happy. In my experience, most people really aren't even able to see the other gender at all as a "person". The focus on kink here is just the particular reflection of that in the kink community helped along by socially acceptable objectification.

porcelaine -> RE: Looking for a dynamic or a person? (1/26/2011 11:10:30 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Elisabella I finally figured out what's been bugging me about most of the profiles on the other side of the site. So many people just put the type of relationship they're interested in, instead of describing the type of person they want. Greetings Elisabella, My profile has changed over time and I removed the personal details. I find it's much better when I'm conversing with someone when the cheat sheet is unavailable. It allows a modicum of authenticity without the prospect of customized answers that are given to coincide with the preferences mentioned by yours truly. My explorations are typically geared towards persons that are complementary both relationship and exchange wise. In my opinion the omission of either factor wouldn't make for a successful pairing. Namaste, ~porcelaine

RapierFugue -> RE: Looking for a dynamic or a person? (1/26/2011 11:23:25 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: leadership527 In my experience, most people really aren't even able to see the other gender at all as a "person". Boggle Our experiences do not concur. No idea which one of us that makes right, or even maybe we're both wrong, but still; not my experience at all, and I don't mean just me, but just about every couple I know. Now the former couples yes, maybe.

FukinTroll -> RE: Looking for a dynamic or a person? (1/26/2011 11:25:56 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RapierFugue quote: ORIGINAL: leadership527 In my experience, most people really aren't even able to see the other gender at all as a "person". Boggle Our experiences do not concur. No idea which one of us that makes right, or even maybe we're both wrong, but still; not my experience at all, and I don't mean just me, but just about every couple I know. Now the former couples yes, maybe. double boggle I think the borg mother ship is calling.

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