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enani17236 -> RE: My thoughts on why some sub men are still single (1/30/2011 8:42:12 PM)
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KeepMeUnderneath - as some of the intelligent women here already have said, your anger is not attractive - but it is very understandable. And you hit an important point that isn't often acknowledged for being as important as I believe it is:
ALL relationships are about MUTUAL SAFISFACTION OF EMOTIONAL NEEDS.
For D's and s's, those needs are different. But they are real, on both sides. You have a good match when the same action or interaction can satisfy the needs of BOTH parties in the relationship. Maybe not always simoultaneously - but, in the end, over time, there has to be a worthy balance, as the relationship otherwise will die.
I also think that this is indeed the very reason for most relationships going "sour" - the parties plain simply do not understand that
1. they must satisfy the most important emotional needs of their partner;
2. their partner must saitisfy their own most important emotional needs.
If the reciprocacy in this is not nurtured, the relationship will develop into abuse, physical or mental, and it can soon be "spoken for" whether or not it is also formally dissolved.
The first challenge in this is to know self well enough to understand what those most important emotional needs actually are... This is NOT simple! And it is not taught in school. I personally think this is a process that takes at least 40 years for an intelligent human, longer for most others. (Too bad that no one talks about those issues with their parents - it could prevent a lot of meaningless duplication of errors.)
But it is equally important to comprehend that this is NOT just a game of satisfying one's own emotional needs! It is goes both ways - so, without truly understanding the other party's most important emotional needs, the fiasco is very predictable.
Women are, by nature, way superior to men when it comes to "getting it" when we talk about emotions. Most men ignore their own right half of the brain, and a big chunk of them use mostly the head on the penis to control their actions. Even stupid women pick up on this lack of emotional maturity and they respond the way they are programmed by Nature to respond: they just want nothing to do with it! It does not matter if they can explain it, so a man can understand it - the result is still the same: rejection.
I do not subscribe to BS like "born supremacy", whether defined by gender, race, money, or otherwise. There is nothing wrong in being a man - or a woman. But it is unfortunate when the two do not understand each other BECAUSE they are different, and very few take the time and make the effort to actually LEARN about that!
In a D/s relationship you add another dimension - and it certainly complicates things. But the principles remain the same.
In our society, however, it is even more unfortunate, because everything has been centered around men exploiting women as sex objects. It is totally OK in commercial advertising to use images of sexually attractive women who are posing/inviting in a way most men connect with, directly, through the brain in their "lower" head. But it is illegal for a mother to nurse her baby in public! If this is NOT resulting in men getting their minds totally screwed up and perverted in regards to how to deal with women, on terms that make sense also to the women, then I want to know what is in place to mitigate that ridiculous media-controlled madness...
"Feminism" and its main elements, as seen from society's side, were not to create balance between the sexes, but to allow women to take over those functions that already were performed by men, often in a controlling sense. In order to prove they were "equal", women strive to act like men. And they are not very good at that... But this must leave the modern media-brainwashed man with the impression that there really is no serious difference between the genders, except that women are attractive to men and are pictured everywhere as legitimate objects for any man's urges.
I don't even know all the negative words I feel like associating with this - but I see it as a very real reason for so many men to be totally confused about how to deal with women.
And neither gender has learned anything from their parents, from the school system, or from society about how the other gender "functions" and "thinks". Even a sadistic Domme is still a woman also, first of all! Her needs for domination and inflicting pain on someone else is not changed by her gender - it is added on to it! But these women are completely outside the "norm" displayed by the media and by society - so I can understand very well why so many men are so confused about this and get so much of it so wrong that their contact attemps simply fail.
First thing must be to use the UPPER brain - and focus on the RIGHT half of it. Then it is a learning process to go through that has absolutely nothing to with what the porn industry makes money on. And it is no longer part of what could be called "culture" or "good manners".
It is easy for those who understand to ridicule those who don't. In fact, it is very tough to comprehend that someone else does not understand what is obvious to one self. But it does not help anything to point out that someone "failed". It does not make me understand that someone tells me that I "need to understand", without explaining what it actually is, on terms that relate to MY ability of comprehension...
And I am not blaiming "the good ones" for not sharing. I would think that many of them are not even aware of this problem - because it is not a problem for THEM. (Same shit, just the other way around... Humans generally do not comprehend that other people might not understand what they take for granted.)
It takes more than communication - it takes desire to learn, from teachers that aren't certified and government licensed.
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