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RE: looking for feedback - 1/27/2011 3:09:56 PM   
BonesFromAsh


Posts: 1362
Joined: 6/17/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: FukinTroll

What is left of you once your integrity, honesty and (perceived) values are gone?



This....200%

Also, read your own words, OP, in THIS post (last line in particular)and ask if this is what you have.

You're not new here, you know what the responses will be.

(in reply to FukinTroll)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: looking for feedback - 1/27/2011 3:10:12 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		It all sounds like a great fantasy life to me.  A face-to-face sub seems to be the answer to all your issues.

(in reply to FukinTroll)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: looking for feedback - 1/27/2011 3:50:18 PM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Nineveh

I meanwhile sort of have 3 subs.


That phrase scares the shit out of me (well sort of)

< Message edited by Prinsexx -- 1/27/2011 3:51:12 PM >

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(in reply to Nineveh)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: looking for feedback - 1/27/2011 4:31:23 PM   
NihilusZero


Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		I'm not sure what your dilemma is, honestly.

It sounds like you're not sure what to do with certain degrees of inner guilt about being in some or all the relationships you're in....but there's no discernible direction you appear to want to go in.

Personally, I don't see too much of an issue. Then again, I'm prone to divide the severities of first person deception from enabling third person deception, whereas most people conflate both into the same category.

The real issue here is developing an understanding of what makes and will make you happy and an understanding of what creates and drives your feelings of guilt. From there, you're just trying to find the path of least resistance unless no available path is painless enough, at which point you weigh the pros and cons of staying versus leaving (for each scenario) and sacrifice where necessary.

_____________________________

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(in reply to Prinsexx)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: looking for feedback - 1/27/2011 5:37:13 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		It wouldn't work for me.  Aside from the cheating sub, there's the fact that you're spreading yourself among four women, three of whom are online only.

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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

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(in reply to NihilusZero)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: looking for feedback - 1/27/2011 5:43:35 PM   
Killerangel


Posts: 1169
Joined: 8/3/2010
Status: offline 		What are you getting out of all of this? You don't sound particularly happy. If I were doing something that didn't make me happy I'd stop doing it.  

(in reply to Nineveh)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: looking for feedback - 1/27/2011 5:45:28 PM   
FukinTroll


Posts: 6277
Joined: 2/6/2007
From: Under a bridge
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Killerangel

What are you getting out of all of this? You don't sound particularly happy. If I were doing something that didn't make me happy I'd stop doing it.  


That explains your ninja quiet exit through the window. I checked an checked and no, the door was not stuck.


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Profile   Post #: 27
RE: looking for feedback - 1/27/2011 5:57:11 PM   
Madame4a


Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline 		Bag the three online situations... fantasy... and online are always wonderful, more exciting (insert more stuff here) than real life.. .but infinitely less fulfilling... and you have a wife... frankly, you should pay attention to her, or let her go and find someone who will pay attention to her...

you don't have to clean the cat boxes online and everything is beautiful at the ballet ...

but in the end, you have to face reality...

< Message edited by Madame4a -- 1/27/2011 5:58:59 PM >

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(in reply to Nineveh)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: looking for feedback - 1/27/2011 6:23:05 PM   
Killerangel


Posts: 1169
Joined: 8/3/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: FukinTroll
That explains your ninja quiet exit through the window. I checked an checked and no, the door was not stuck.



Oh please...I'm not thinking that is a likely scenario. More likely is I wake you up and pounce on you for the fourteenth time and YOU go through the window trying to get away.

OP, I could be wrong. In your recounting of your situation it just doesn't sound like the hearts and butterflies kind of love. It sounds like the kind of love that keeps you awake at night and unable to eat. Which isn't fun. As DS pointed out, you're actually doing a lot of work here. As Madame4a said, your wife might like some of this attention herself.
You don't seem particularly enthralled with things anyway. It seems like a lot of work for a lot of angst in return. I'd be wondering if this were the best path for me to take if I wasn't even really enjoying it.

One other thing that no one has commented on but I guess it won't stop me at all. You mention with sub #2 that you might like to visit her and it would be a limited thing according to your finances. If you were my husband and you spent OUR money on a relationship that was meant to go nowhere and just for fun...well I'd question how clearly you were thinking and how loyal you were to setting up a future for us. No one is required to be affluent but they should be taking what they have in a situation like a marriage and using it for the good of both people involved, especially if there isn't much extra there. I kind of think that your wife is possibly being pushed aside in a couple of ways and I wonder if this is what you want for her....? Is it something you would want for say, a daughter? That her husband would be emotionally caught up to the point of calling it love in dead end situation and possibly using their limited fun cash on extras for himself?

Neither thing really speaks of responsibility to me, which is something you may be uninterested in and in that case feel free to disregard my comment, but that is my overall feeling from your posting. That you aren't really happy with being in a situation that has more negatives than positives, and you aren't being particularly responsible in what you are doing. You're an adult, you're married, these things have a certain weight and set of obligations that come with the position. You can't help growing up, but you can be a respectable adult; you also took on marriage freely and therefore should be more cognizant of what that means in your case, and in the woman's case that you are messing with.

(in reply to FukinTroll)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: looking for feedback - 1/27/2011 6:51:44 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Instead of online topping, why not join your local community and do some of the real thing. Beyond that, if you've fallen head over heels for the online woman, how much is left for your wife?

She needs to work on her marriage and you need to work on yours. But if someone online calling it quits will have you offing yourself, then your problems are worse than anyone here can solve. Go work on your own issues first because you're not sufficiently together to be forming new relationships.


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(in reply to FukinTroll)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: looking for feedback - 1/27/2011 7:09:26 PM   
AAkasha


Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

If you are getting painfully infatuated and lustful toward unrealistic relationships and situations that are doomed, you might be avoiding looking at some things in your life that you don't want to look at. Romantic angst, dangerous lust and tiptoeing around situations are adrenalin-filled rushes and if you are fueling them, you're hiding from crap in your life that makes you unhappy. Doing things because they feel good, when you know they are ultimately destructive and harmful to your stability and relationships, is a form of addiction and self abuse. Look into co-dependency help.

Akasha

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(in reply to Nineveh)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: looking for feedback - 1/27/2011 7:14:12 PM   
barelynangel


Posts: 6233
Status: offline 		I find it ironic that OP, you use a word like "steal" this woman.  You've never met her, you claim you have only had a FEW telephone conversations etc that she has a marraige that sounds like her biggest issue is the guy has a low sex drive and she has told you she is happy with him, they have a kid, and you really think you a man who basically can't offer her a damn thing lol could steal her?

I think you are deluding yourself to remotenly begin to believe that you remotely have the power to steal this woman.  You have nothing to offer her, and yeah you both may be caught up in some online fantasy concept you two got going in which reality really doesn't invade, and how does the song go --- "I'm so much cooler online.  So much cooler online"


So my suggestion is quit deluding yourself and look at the reality -- she isn't going to give up her life with her husband even though she is having fun playing with you online.  You won't and aren't worth the REALITY of what that would mean for her. 

Yes i am presuming here as i don't know either of you, but seriously go back and read your own post.  You are living in the frenzy of online fantasy of love where the real world of both your lifes don't interfere.   Come back to reality and start being honest with yourself -- you CAN'T steal her, so implying you don't want to means you have a choice.

Stop deluding yourself and step away from online and re-enter the real world.

angel

_____________________________


What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
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(in reply to FukinTroll)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: looking for feedback - 1/27/2011 7:16:30 PM   
FukinTroll


Posts: 6277
Joined: 2/6/2007
From: Under a bridge
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Killerangel

quote:

ORIGINAL: FukinTroll
That explains your ninja quiet exit through the window. I checked an checked and no, the door was not stuck.



Oh please...I'm not thinking that is a likely scenario. More likely is I wake you up and pounce on you for the fourteenth time and YOU go through the window trying to get away.


Um... the pelvis is completely healed and me and medical science have to be sure that it was, in fact, you that broke it. Come over.

SLURP!


_____________________________

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Profile   Post #: 33
RE: looking for feedback - 1/27/2011 8:27:48 PM   
Chulain


Posts: 283
Joined: 1/27/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RCdc
I'm not really sure what you are looking for? People to judge you? People to tell you what to do? Or is this just a cathartic exercise?

He's looking for someone to tell him it's OK.

(in reply to RCdc)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: looking for feedback - 1/27/2011 8:38:27 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Chulain

He's looking for someone to tell him it's OK.



I think you're right but it's hard to get behind something and say 'yeah, go for it' when it seems so demoralizing to everyone involved.

(in reply to Chulain)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: looking for feedback - 1/27/2011 8:42:12 PM   
Chulain


Posts: 283
Joined: 1/27/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lizi
I think you're right but it's hard to get behind something and say 'yeah, go for it' when it seems so demoralizing to everyone involved.

We've all seen this kind of stuff all over the internet: "I'm doing something lame, I know I shouldn't do it, but I want someone to tell me it's OK so I can rationalize that it is in fact OK."

(in reply to lizi)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: looking for feedback - 1/27/2011 8:49:22 PM   
SexyBossyBBW


Posts: 1693
Joined: 2/25/2010
Status: offline 		Some people always fall head over heels for the unavailable person.   Who cares what we think?   You're the one who has to look in the mirror, and deal with being disrespectful to another man.   I don't know if I hope he finds out, and faces you as a man, or doesn't find out, to as to be spared the hurt of betrayal.  

I don't want to be judgemental...  It's just strange, that in an open relationship, and several choices, you choose the one where someone else might unintentionally get hurt.    M

(in reply to Nineveh)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: looking for feedback - 1/27/2011 8:59:06 PM   
InvisibleBlack


Posts: 865
Joined: 7/24/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Nineveh
looking for feedback...


Escape the cage that is your life.

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(in reply to Nineveh)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: looking for feedback - 1/27/2011 11:19:26 PM   
CynthiaWVirginia


Posts: 1915
Joined: 2/28/2010
From: West Virginia, USA
Status: offline
quote:

And then we have the one that I am head over heels for.  She's in Arizona, beautiful, brilliant, very respected professionally, head over heels for me, and married to a man who does not know and would not approve.  I don't want to steal her, she's happy with him aside from sexually (he apparently has a very low sex drive) and they have a child together.  Even just the online and occasional phone relationship that we have is not something he would be at all happy to find out about and taking it any further would, obviously be something that would break the poor man's heart if he discovered it.  I'm not a supporter of cheating generally, and really didn't intend to be in the situation I am in, however I'm at the point now where ending it would leave me absolutely devastated and am really unsure what to do.  I don't fall in love easily, aside from my wife it had been ten years since someone got that deeply into my heart, and when that ended I attempted suicide and was severely depressed for several years


You picked the wrong day to bring this up, because I just spent over an hour on the phone with my ex-husband, trying to talk him out of cheating on his wife.  He is kinky, she's vanilla, and their marriage has been hell on both of them for the past ten or so years...but they have four kids to raise.  You asked for it so I'm going to speak plainly.

Do you have a death wish?  Seriously.  Do you think every blessed spouse who is cheated on just takes it lying down?  Morals issues aside, your illicit romance could have serious repercussions.

After you and your wife made your agreement to see other people...  Friends of mine who have been poly told me that the primary relationship has the highest priority.  If this woman decided to leave her hubby over you and showed up on your doorstep...and you had to make a choice between your wife and your sub, who would you choose to be with?  

They were reasonably happy together until you came along and made her fall in love with you.  You say you do not normally support cheating...but...when you found out she was married...why didn't you back off?  When I start falling for someone, it comes in stages that I recognise.  If I decide a relationship will not be appropriate, I run like hell.  Sure, falling in love feels great, the euphoria is incredible...believe me, I love the walking on air feeling.  But this is not just about you and about your sub.  Her husband is an innocent bystander in this and so is her young child.  By the way, when a woman becomes the secret lover of a married man...she is called a home wrecker.  There should be an equal term for a man.

Ninevah, this is a train wreck in progress.  Did you ever think there was a way this would end well?  You are in love with a married woman whose husband is clueless and never signed on for an open marriage.  Like I told my ex...there is no free ride on this train.  Somebody always pays.

I can see a vanilla guy doing this, and maybe even a male sub.  I am very disappointed to see this from a Dom.  I know, I'm prejudiced about this and it sucks, but there it is; I expect dominants to be more responsible and actually be a guiding force in a relationship.

When this breaks up, I hope you are prepared for it.  Get some anti-depressants and join some support group if you have to.  When I broke up with someone years ago, I loved him so much that it took me about ten years before that big gaping hole in my chest healed up.  The first few years were the worst to get through. 

Next time, if a relationship is doomed from the start...don't keep playing with fire.

(in reply to Nineveh)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: looking for feedback - 1/27/2011 11:35:54 PM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Madame4a

Bag the three online situations... fantasy... and online are always wonderful, more exciting (insert more stuff here) than real life.. .but infinitely less fulfilling... and you have a wife... frankly, you should pay attention to her, or let her go and find someone who will pay attention to her...

you don't have to clean the cat boxes online and everything is beautiful at the ballet ...

but in the end, you have to face reality...


I agree with this whole post..

but dammit, that bolded part has me running for youtube....

_____________________________

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(in reply to Madame4a)
Profile   Post #: 40
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