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RE: looking for feedback - 1/28/2011 2:53:32 AM   
subsfaith


Posts: 297
Joined: 11/21/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Nineveh

I do indeed feel guilty about the whole sneaking thing and having someone tell me off for it will serve to either get my hackles up (thus making me feel less guilty) motivate me to do something about it...



Well I say that I am not your conscious, neither is anyone here.... grow a pair and find your own conscious.

(in reply to Nineveh)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: looking for feedback - 1/28/2011 3:03:54 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

One other thing that no one has commented on but I guess it won't stop me at all. You mention with sub #2 that you might like to visit her and it would be a limited thing according to your finances. If you were my husband and you spent OUR money on a relationship that was meant to go nowhere and just for fun...well I'd question how clearly you were thinking and how loyal you were to setting up a future for us. No one is required to be affluent but they should be taking what they have in a situation like a marriage and using it for the good of both people involved, especially if there isn't much extra there. I kind of think that your wife is possibly being pushed aside in a couple of ways and I wonder if this is what you want for her....? Is it something you would want for say, a daughter? That her husband would be emotionally caught up to the point of calling it love in dead end situation and possibly using their limited fun cash on extras for himself?


The using limited marital funds to scratch your itch aspect stood out to me as well.

< Message edited by kalikshama -- 1/28/2011 3:05:36 AM >

(in reply to Killerangel)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: looking for feedback - 1/28/2011 4:01:11 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		IMO, online-only relationships are a big fantasy projection and you cannot truly know someone until you spend sufficient face time with them.

This view is of course partly shaped by my own experience of having a wonderful long distance relationship that collapsed after I packed up my life in NY and moved to FL to live with him.

In his case, all his domly and masterly qualities evaporated once he had a real live woman in front of him. He'd been wonderful on the phone, but was unable to be intimate in person.

The interesting thing was that the exact same thing happened with his next sub. The difference between she and I is that I accepted the reality and she still thinks she's going to get the Dom from her long distance fantasy.

(in reply to Nineveh)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: looking for feedback - 1/28/2011 8:42:24 AM   
mummyman321


Posts: 2102
Joined: 10/31/2005
From: Dusseldorf
Status: offline 		Simple feedback. Your Cheating! Quit that!

_____________________________

Life - Its not about where you are but about the journey to get there - I prefer to choose the road less traveled

(in reply to Nineveh)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: looking for feedback - 1/28/2011 7:27:40 PM   
Killerangel


Posts: 1169
Joined: 8/3/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: FukinTroll

Um... the pelvis is completely healed and me and medical science have to be sure that it was, in fact, you that broke it. Come over.

SLURP!



Ok, I'll come. Do I need a bridge toll or what? Can we challenge medical science again? That should be fun.

OP, where did you go? You did ask for comments/feedback/etc so I'm kind of surprised that you didn't stick around, or maybe you're still intending to come back...?

(in reply to FukinTroll)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: looking for feedback - 1/28/2011 7:36:00 PM   
FukinTroll


Posts: 6277
Joined: 2/6/2007
From: Under a bridge
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Killerangel

Ok, I'll come. Do I need a bridge toll or what? Can we challenge medical science again? That should be fun.



The toll was already negotiated, panties and ceiling fan and YES!

quote:


OP, where did you go? You did ask for comments/feedback/etc so I'm kind of surprised that you didn't stick around, or maybe you're still intending to come back...?


I think the brutal honesty he was looking for was too brutal, although very true, still brutal and rightly so.


_____________________________

I'm the guy your girl is thinking about when she is fucking you!

TrollTopia
Greedy Groupie!

The Mods have me on speed Spank!! Gotta luv'em.

(in reply to Killerangel)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: looking for feedback - 1/29/2011 1:54:06 AM   
Whenready


Posts: 319
Joined: 3/5/2009
Status: offline 		So.... if I understand this correctly - ALL the women you have a relationship with - online or real - have a relationship with someone else, and, to coin a phrase, discretion is required in all cases.

I cheat. But even I dont try to go for six or seven train wrecks at the same time. It'll be OK. I'm sure it will all be fine. Really. Ok maybe not. Stop. It aint easy. But stop.

(in reply to FukinTroll)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: looking for feedback - 1/29/2011 4:41:57 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		OP, you say that you are not really successful in your career.  Then you describe relationships with four women.  All throughout, I get no sense of strong emotion - like you're drifting in your career, drifting in your relationships.

Focus.  Prioritize.

What are the things you are willing to WORK at, the things you want to make succeed?

I have a suspicion that you are spreading yourself too thin as an excuse to avoid working at any one thing hard enough to make it work.


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Whenready)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: looking for feedback - 1/29/2011 9:48:23 AM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

OP, you say that you are not really successful in your career.  Then you describe relationships with four women.  All throughout, I get no sense of strong emotion - like you're drifting in your career, drifting in your relationships.

Focus.  Prioritize.

What are the things you are willing to WORK at, the things you want to make succeed?

I have a suspicion that you are spreading yourself too thin as an excuse to avoid working at any one thing hard enough to make it work.



Steven has some wise words here and they ring true to me in this situation.

OP, I can only speak for myself. I don't find someone's cash attractive but I do find their perserverance, dedication, and willingness to work hard at things to be qualities that are essential for me in any kind of partner. Those things say to me that I myself would be important to that person because he works to keep what is important in his life around and in good repair.

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: looking for feedback - 1/29/2011 12:55:08 PM   
badlilthang


Posts: 357
Joined: 6/22/2006
Status: offline 		just wondering if these 3 subs 1. know about each other 2. knows how little control he has of himself life wise/career wise..3. realizes how little he cares about his so called subs...

many people cheat - that is a fact - cheated spouses might get annoyed (read: flaming gun carrying mad) - also a fact...even cheating online is enough to drag people to court and strip them of their (no matter how small) assets. To me this is not a dom - it is a spoiled, bored and lazy man just trying to get his groove on - not caring who he hurts - as long as he gets his....

I hear the sounds of a train coming...


_____________________________

.Forgiveness is the fragrance a flower leaves in the air after being crushed underfoot.

(in reply to lizi)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: looking for feedback - 1/29/2011 3:17:31 PM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline 		too much energy being spent on something that will never ever be is beyond youre control and is only going to end up hurting even more than it hurts right now.

the intensity of the internet can make a thing seem far more perfect than it is.  the forbidden fruit and everything else? is that part of it.

youre letting precious time, a whole chunk of youre life slip away from you when you could be using this intensity, drive and energy on something worth spending that energy on.

this isnt worth it.  its going nowhere and now you have to turn to strangers to tell you what you already know.

you know what the answer is. how much more time and energy are you going to spend on people you will never own, never have and probably never hold.

wasted energy, wasted time.  im with DS - what he says is on the money.

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to badlilthang)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: looking for feedback - 1/29/2011 6:37:03 PM   
Arpig


Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mummyman321

Simple feedback. Your Cheating! Quit that!
Repeated for emphasis, and personally I don't give two shits how bad it hurts you...in fact I hope it does. I have no time or sympathy for cheaters or those that enable others to cheat.


_____________________________

Big man! Pig Man!
Ha Ha...Charade you are!

Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs?

CM's #1 All-Time Also-Ran


(in reply to mummyman321)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: looking for feedback - 1/29/2011 6:51:47 PM   
xXsoumisXx


Posts: 339
Joined: 7/26/2009
From: USA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

It wouldn't work for me.  Aside from the cheating sub, there's the fact that you're spreading yourself among four women, three of whom are online only.


This.

The cheating issue is a huge problem, but you already know that.

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: looking for feedback - 1/29/2011 6:53:35 PM   
xXsoumisXx


Posts: 339
Joined: 7/26/2009
From: USA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

quote:

ORIGINAL: Madame4a

Bag the three online situations... fantasy... and online are always wonderful, more exciting (insert more stuff here) than real life.. .but infinitely less fulfilling... and you have a wife... frankly, you should pay attention to her, or let her go and find someone who will pay attention to her...

you don't have to clean the cat boxes online and everything is beautiful at the ballet ... but in the end, you have to face reality...


I agree with this whole post..

but dammit, that bolded part has me running for youtube....


This too!!!

(in reply to GreedyTop)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: looking for feedback - 1/29/2011 7:19:12 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		My question to you:

Your wife likes to play sub but doesn't sub to you.

Do you prefer it that way?

I know that there are a myriad of reasons why that may be so, but is that your preference?

If that is not your preference, it is a possibility that a kink friendly counselor might help the 2 of you see if there might be a way that you could meet each other's D/s needs .

If that is not your preference or it is something she would not want to explore, then perhaps a kink friendly counselor might help you sort out what it is you are really looking for as well as working on the areas of your life that you are dissatisfied with.

I think you came here knowing no one would give you the free pass to pursue the 3rd option.

Win-win is finding someone who is openly available.

_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

(in reply to Nineveh)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: looking for feedback - 1/30/2011 9:27:56 PM   
LPslittleclip


Posts: 1163
Joined: 9/29/2007
Status: offline 		if all of the ones you play with are unaware of each other then you are cheating. you have a wife pay attention to her. if you need a sub get one for real the online stuff is not real and only makes the real harder to accept

_____________________________

proud to serve the awsome
LadyPact

(in reply to angelikaJ)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: looking for feedback - 1/30/2011 10:15:26 PM   
Nineveh


Posts: 1299
Joined: 2/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Killerangel

quote:

ORIGINAL: FukinTroll
That explains your ninja quiet exit through the window. I checked an checked and no, the door was not stuck.



Oh please...I'm not thinking that is a likely scenario. More likely is I wake you up and pounce on you for the fourteenth time and YOU go through the window trying to get away.

OP, I could be wrong. In your recounting of your situation it just doesn't sound like the hearts and butterflies kind of love. It sounds like the kind of love that keeps you awake at night and unable to eat. Which isn't fun. As DS pointed out, you're actually doing a lot of work here. As Madame4a said, your wife might like some of this attention herself.
You don't seem particularly enthralled with things anyway. It seems like a lot of work for a lot of angst in return. I'd be wondering if this were the best path for me to take if I wasn't even really enjoying it.

One other thing that no one has commented on but I guess it won't stop me at all. You mention with sub #2 that you might like to visit her and it would be a limited thing according to your finances. If you were my husband and you spent OUR money on a relationship that was meant to go nowhere and just for fun...well I'd question how clearly you were thinking and how loyal you were to setting up a future for us. No one is required to be affluent but they should be taking what they have in a situation like a marriage and using it for the good of both people involved, especially if there isn't much extra there. I kind of think that your wife is possibly being pushed aside in a couple of ways and I wonder if this is what you want for her....? Is it something you would want for say, a daughter? That her husband would be emotionally caught up to the point of calling it love in dead end situation and possibly using their limited fun cash on extras for himself?

Neither thing really speaks of responsibility to me, which is something you may be uninterested in and in that case feel free to disregard my comment, but that is my overall feeling from your posting. That you aren't really happy with being in a situation that has more negatives than positives, and you aren't being particularly responsible in what you are doing. You're an adult, you're married, these things have a certain weight and set of obligations that come with the position. You can't help growing up, but you can be a respectable adult; you also took on marriage freely and therefore should be more cognizant of what that means in your case, and in the woman's case that you are messing with.


Considering how many times my wife has used our money to go and visit her men, no, I don't think she'd be particularly upset about me doing the same.  As to how I'd describe the love, it keeps me awake, it gives me hearts and butterflies, and it sometimes consumes my thoughts.  It absolutely gives me a lot of joy, and the only pain that comes from it is from the guilt.

(in reply to Killerangel)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: looking for feedback - 1/30/2011 10:19:28 PM   
Nineveh


Posts: 1299
Joined: 2/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: FukinTroll

quote:

ORIGINAL: Killerangel

Ok, I'll come. Do I need a bridge toll or what? Can we challenge medical science again? That should be fun.



The toll was already negotiated, panties and ceiling fan and YES!

quote:


OP, where did you go? You did ask for comments/feedback/etc so I'm kind of surprised that you didn't stick around, or maybe you're still intending to come back...?


I think the brutal honesty he was looking for was too brutal, although very true, still brutal and rightly so.



Nah, I got busy.  I've appreciated the brutality, some of aimed in odd directions some of it quite accurate.  There's been some valuable advice in the thread as well.

(in reply to FukinTroll)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: looking for feedback - 1/30/2011 10:23:06 PM   
Nineveh


Posts: 1299
Joined: 2/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LPslittleclip

if all of the ones you play with are unaware of each other then you are cheating. you have a wife pay attention to her. if you need a sub get one for real the online stuff is not real and only makes the real harder to accept


they are all aware of one another, and interact with one another. 

My wife doesn't want to sub to me at all, not even the least little bit.

And the closest offline BDSM community to me is an hours drive away, which would end up costing considerably more than a plane ticket in gas pretty quickly.  For now online is the option available to me.

(in reply to LPslittleclip)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: looking for feedback - 1/30/2011 10:36:57 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Nineveh
Considering how many times my wife has used our money to go and visit her men, no, I don't think she'd be particularly upset about me doing the same.  As to how I'd describe the love, it keeps me awake, it gives me hearts and butterflies, and it sometimes consumes my thoughts.  It absolutely gives me a lot of joy, and the only pain that comes from it is from the guilt.


Out of everything on the entire thread, that is what you have comments on?

Dude, let Me give you this straight from the hip.  Believe it or not, I have a feeling that I get your position in ways that some folks on this thread probably don't.  Not about the cheating, because you know I'm not with you on that.  I'm talking about the rest of the situation.

Yes, I completely get that in a poly or open situation, there will be money spent on traveling to or spending time with others.  If your wife has a Dom, at some point, she's going to want to see him.  The same would go with you spending money to see a sub.  That's called being fair between you and your wife.  I get that.  People have probably figured that clip spends money coming to see Me, so that isn't the issue.

Also, you need to remember that I am also married to someone who is now interested in this lifestyle.  If you were here, I'd look you in the face and tell you exactly this.  I know that it is easier for the female in a couple of an open or poly relationship to find real partners.  I've watched over and over through the years in our relationship.  Where I have no problem finding subs or play partners, MP doesn't have it nearly as easy.  I've got a sub, someone else who wants to be My sub, and several play partners.  MP plays when he's lucky enough to find somebody to do so.  Half of those chances wouldn't exist if I wasn't there.  It is way harder for the male of the couple to accomplish real time play partners and subs.

Oh, yeah.  For the record, I totally get how two people can love each other and not have the right D/s energy together.  Even if MP were a sub or a switch, we wouldn't work. 

So, you're doing what's left.  The online thing to fulfill what it is that you wish you had.  Ok.  I might even get that, too.  What I don't get is you compromising your principles to do it.  The one that you've 'fallen for' so bad you're not even looking at what could potentially screw up her life. 

One last thing.  I heard what you said about the relationship that you had ten years ago.  There is a really good thread back in the archives on the poly board that I seriously think you should read.  It's all about one relationship ending and one relationship remaining in tact.  You have a built in support system in your wife.  Should you decide to be the man that you know you should be, you might want to utilize it.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Nineveh)
Profile   Post #: 60
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