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RE: Ma'am...not? - 5/3/2006 12:29:25 PM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Rumtiger

I've recently been catching a little flak because I have a tendancy to refer to most women I talk to as "ma'am", this is not to any sort of titles put to dommes, but it was simply how I was raised to speak to a lady (Mama raised da boy right!). My problem being that I have caught the ire of some people I have talked to who assume I'm being one of those subs who have a tendancy to skip over bounds and the such just from using that one word.

My question is what can I do to not put any kinds of assumptions on myself? I cant be putting a disclaimer before every conversation citing that my word usage is not what apparently the majority sees. Yet if I stop completly I feel awkward, and to be honost, rather rude in discussion with a sudden lack of manners, just because my sense of humor may be crude does not mean I am after all.

I hope to recieve some aleavement from my predicament with your wisdom ma'ams.

Well, at the risk at pissing off those who get irrate at you.

"ma'am" and "sir" are polite terms for folks we don't know so get over it!

I'm assuming that if they reply and say "please call me TammyJo" or something similar then you would do so and stop with the ma'am or sir?

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to Rumtiger)

Post #: 21

RE: Ma'am...not? - 5/3/2006 1:27:14 PM

Proprietrix

Posts: 756
Joined: 7/15/2005
From: Ohio/West Virginia
Status: offline

For me, it depends on the context.

"Hi Ma'am. My name is Andrew. I read your profile. I was interested in talking to you about being a parent and living poly."

Is ok.

"Hi Ma'am. I'm a sex slave who wants to drool all over your asshole while you kick me in the balls."

Is not ok.

_____________________________

IMO, IMHO, YMMV, AFAIK, to me, I see it as, from my perspective, it's been my experience, I only speak for myself, (and all other disclaimers here).

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 22

RE: Ma'am...not? - 5/3/2006 1:36:30 PM

paulpuckett

Posts: 8
Joined: 2/25/2004
Status: offline

i agree, Proproetrix. It's "not OK" on many levels for a first (perhaps any) communication. i have always used Ma'am as a polite, neutral way to address a Domme especially when face-to-face. i then ask if that form of address is OK, or what would You like? To me as a sub, it's merely being polite, courteous, and respectful.

(in reply to Proprietrix)

Post #: 23

RE: Ma'am...not? - 5/3/2006 2:01:38 PM

MissA

Posts: 192
Joined: 6/19/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BlkTallFullfig
I don't take offense to being addressed as anything unless it is a disrespectful or derogatory term... For example, I don't like being called a sweetie or honey by people I've never met, and am not very familiar with, but if someone approached that way, I would simply say "I would prefer you go with Ma'am."
Welcome to the boards Rumtiger, M

This is the stance I take as well. Unless the name is directly derogatory (ie: c*nt) I simply inform them that I have such-and-such preferences on how I like to be addressed. Now if they continue to refer to me in other terms they get a piece of my mind and get blocked.

~Ms. A~

_____________________________

Life is not measured in the number of breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away ~Author Unknown~
My Domain

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)

Post #: 24

RE: Ma'am...not? - 5/3/2006 3:39:41 PM

Misstoyou

Posts: 1149
Joined: 9/4/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

I prefer Ma'am, but then, I love the military boys (and some girls).

OMG Fire, isn't that the truth. My submissive certainly knows how to say it, and mean it.

And lately, some of my Northern Californian students have picked up the term as well, without any prompting on my part, I swear.

_____________________________

~ Miss Marie

a.k.a. "mean Lady"

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 25

RE: Ma'am...not? - 5/3/2006 4:15:57 PM

littlemamma

Posts: 2
Joined: 7/26/2005
Status: offline

Hi Rumtiger,
I totally agree that when first addressing a Dominant Female you should ask how she would like to be addressed. However, I understand about the southern upbringing as my mom was brought up down south and it is ingrained in me. If you get much flak just say "excuse me" and ask how they want to be addressed.

(in reply to Rumtiger)

Post #: 26

RE: Ma'am...not? - 5/3/2006 4:52:32 PM

LadyRope

Posts: 64
Joined: 7/19/2005
Status: offline

I am one who despises people who assume that its their right to address me as "Mistress" for me its a very personal honourific,and I have found that 90 percent of online people automaticly use it..it would be so much more impressive receiving a letter asking what I prefer,as there are many dominants who have different views...I have also come to the conclusion that "mistress" has become so over used and abused on line that to me its almost a caricature...I have a more possitive impression when some one addresses me as Ma''am, its resepctful and ageless...

(in reply to CatalinaControl)

Post #: 27

RE: Ma'am...not? - 5/3/2006 6:15:22 PM

MysticFireTopaz

Posts: 50939
Joined: 4/23/2005
From: Dallas/Ft. Worth, TX
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyRope

I am one who despises people who assume that its their right to address me as "Mistress" for me its a very personal honourific,and I have found that 90 percent of online people automaticly use it..it would be so much more impressive receiving a letter asking what I prefer,as there are many dominants who have different views...I have also come to the conclusion that "mistress" has become so over used and abused on line that to me its almost a caricature...I have a more possitive impression when some one addresses me as Ma''am, its resepctful and ageless...

I agree. Being called "Mistress" by someone I know only casually, or by someone who is writing to Me that doesn't even know Me at all, is one of My major pet peeves. I only like to be called that by My own submissive (and I like that a lot.)

Ma'am, Ms. Topaz, or Lady Topaz are all fine by Me. I like the suggestion of asking the Domme in question what Her personal preference is.

Lady Topaz

(in reply to LadyRope)

Post #: 28

RE: Ma'am...not? - 5/3/2006 7:10:34 PM

LadyHugs

Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Dear LadyRope, Ladies and Gentlemen;

I am very understanding to your post and agree. However, I also must speak for those submissive/slaves that are just so lost and naive. It is the "spirit" of intent that needs to be seen. So many of the lads who come to female dominants get slapped down so very hard because they don't use the right title or proper address. The lads and lassies have no ability to mind read as well, as so many female dominants demand different titles, there is no uniform way to stay off the bad side of Female Dominants in general.

I admit to being frustrated but, I also know that slaves and submissives are trying with what they know and uses of salutations vary. I remember my green days, so I suppose I appeal to the dominant class et.al., to not look so harshly at the words but, the message's intent. If we dominants do not sit more humbly, the distance is to great for any effort to approach by humble slaves/submissive types.

Additionally, by being humble--does not mean that a dominant forego their selection processes and standards. Being humble is just being more "reachable" and compassionate and or forgiving novice blunders in their initial approaches, as every time a slave/submissive is touched by a dominant, it changes who they are, as well as to how they approach the female dominant in general.

As female dominants, we do not pipe the same song. This is wonderful as each of us (us in general terms) gives a wide selection to the world of D/s and or M/s. We have all created the tapestry that creates our banner. Those drawn to our banners may be best served by gently moving those slaves/submissives to the standard that holds our banner.
Perhaps all (in general terms) of us (in general terms) will be better served and find our happiness and those of those slaves/submissives who seek.

Respectfully submitted,
Lady Hugs

(in reply to LadyRope)

Post #: 29

RE: Ma'am...not? - 5/3/2006 11:50:51 PM

UtopianRanger

Posts: 3251
Status: offline

quote:

My question is what can I do to not put any kinds of assumptions on myself? I cant be putting a disclaimer before every conversation citing that my word usage is not what apparently the majority sees. Yet if I stop completly I feel awkward, and to be honost, rather rude in discussion with a sudden lack of manners, just because my sense of humor may be crude does not mean I am after all

I hope to recieve some aleavement from my predicament with your wisdom ma'ams.

Well.... I guess I'm going to have to be the exception again. I like to address a lady by her first name {and I do} and then after I'm close to her, I always think of a very affectionate nick name or term {That they like} for her. It's always worked well for me - very well in fact! LOL!

- R

< Message edited by UtopianRanger -- 5/3/2006 11:51:50 PM >

_____________________________

"If you are going to win any battle, you have to do one thing. You have to make the mind run the body. Never let the body tell the mind what to do... the body is never tired if the mind is not tired."

-General George S. Patton

(in reply to Rumtiger)

Post #: 30

RE: Ma'am...not? - 5/4/2006 11:33:00 AM

MistressSassy66

Posts: 1675
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline

While I'm not offended by Ma'am or Mistress,I prefer they ask what I like first.

Until a submissive is actually part of My family,I encourage them to call Me Ma'am,out of respect.

When they have been accepted then I ask to be called Mistress.

What works for Me doesnt work for everyone.

_____________________________

Mistress Sassy

http://www.mistresssassy.com

In the Immortal Words of Bob....Fuck the dumb shit.

"I love you not only for what you are,But for what I am when I'm with you."- Opening line from a poem by Roy Croft

(in reply to CatalinaControl)

Post #: 31

RE: Ma'am...not? - 5/4/2006 11:41:27 AM

talltxsub

Posts: 173
Joined: 11/10/2005
Status: offline

It is very common here in the south to use "Ma'am". It is interesting how different women react to the term in vanilla situations. Some pass it by, but others stop with a look of "I wonder".

(in reply to CatalinaControl)

Post #: 32

RE: Ma'am...not? - 5/4/2006 12:11:25 PM

MHOO314

Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

Knock on My door and call Me "Ma'am" and you'll get My attention---bang on the door and say---do me babe and you won't get squat---<smiles>---by the same token---you will get a world of respect from Me as well.

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor

(in reply to Rumtiger)

Post #: 33

RE: Ma'am...not? - 5/5/2006 9:39:38 AM

talltxsub

Posts: 173
Joined: 11/10/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MHOO314

Knock on My door and call Me "Ma'am" and you'll get My attention---bang on the door and say---do me babe and you won't get squat---<smiles>---by the same token---you will get a world of respect from Me as well.

How true....one never benefits from being rude, whether Dom/Domme or sub

(in reply to MHOO314)

Post #: 34

RE: Ma'am...not? - 5/5/2006 4:49:23 PM

HouseofBear

Posts: 1280
Joined: 2/9/2005
Status: offline

Ma'am does not offend me, in fact when I see it's usage, it tends to lead me to think the submissive was actually taught some manners when he/she was growing up. Yes, you are in a subculture, however most of the people I know personally within it happen to appreciate good old fashioned etiquette when being approached by someone new. The one thing when being approached that bugs me the most is having to read the capitalization (A/a.etc) mess.

Lady Ursa

(in reply to talltxsub)

Post #: 35

RE: Ma'am...not? - 5/6/2006 2:07:45 PM

MizChief

Posts: 13
Joined: 5/5/2006
From: West Midlands England
Status: offline

It never ceases to amaze me that in a community of such creative and empassioned people we can spend so much time and energy getting upset over titles, names, You/you, etc.

I think its so difficult, as you said Lady Hugs, for some poor subbies to address a Dommie- its like they are doomed before they even put pen to ink- or, erm, finger to key. I would say, personally and without casting aspersions on anyone, that someone who got all tangled up right off on a form of address used within a context which could be seen as so absolutley respectful needs to spend a little more time using their meditation and relaxation tape.

I wish we could all just be a little more tolerant and just agree that until you get to know someone, you aren't going to get it right, especially in an electronic forum, and give people a little benefit of the doubt. KInd of like- Safe, Sane, Consensual, & Considerate* (Condsiderate being a limited time offer)

On to the point, perhaps, it might suit you to say Hello Ma'Am (as a Southern lad, an address I use as a form of respect and hope it is accepted as such) - but for flips sake, we already live in a world where we have to have disclaimers on hairdryers not to use em in the shower, do we really need to give an "oops, please forgive in case of accidental misunderstanding" clause every time someone tries to be nice?

Like there arent enough people out there putting names, titles and tags on us as it is- and we should be so worried about someone trying to be respectful. If someone addressed me in a way I found disrespectful but I could see by the context that no disrespect was intented, I would tell them, respectfully as I intended to be treated, that I preferred another form of address.

Reminds me of Pogo: "We have met the enemy and he is us".

_____________________________

Miz

(in reply to HouseofBear)

Post #: 36

RE: Ma'am...not? - 5/6/2006 2:12:34 PM

Rumtiger

Posts: 2634
Joined: 3/4/2006
From: Vegas
Status: offline

::looks at all the posts::

well...umm...hm.

I have no idea what to say now lol.

_____________________________

Fuck the Pandas!
-Moi

Mmm, I love me some kickboxers, you know why? Cause ya'll cant take a punch!
- Quentin Tarantino.

If they cant take a joke, fuck em.
-Tucker Max

(in reply to MizChief)

Post #: 37

RE: Ma'am...not? - 5/7/2006 7:00:51 AM

HCWT1

Posts: 161
Joined: 7/7/2005
Status: offline

Interesting thread,.....general interaction between two people is very tenuous if they dont know each other ,or thir names.Somewhat like the babble your'd get in a pub.
Two weeks ago i got a message on this site,from a dom lady,arsking if i would be interested.Apon reply,the very first words i wrote were,how would you like to be addressed.Polite reply followed,we set the tone from the start and are meetting in two weeks.
All it takes is a little thought and politeness to make things happen.
Start as you mean to go on!!!!.

(in reply to Rumtiger)

Post #: 38

RE: Ma'am...not? - 5/7/2006 6:50:58 PM

MisPandora

Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline

I am always accepting of someone who addresses me respectfully. When they presume to call me Mistress, that's when I take issue!

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to Rumtiger)

Post #: 39

RE: Ma'am...not? - 5/7/2006 7:19:07 PM

understud

Posts: 102
Joined: 4/12/2006
Status: offline

i wanted to reply to no one in particular but the group as a whole. As a point...the titles of Mistress or Master denotes a more personal connection...ie OWNERSHIP! Dom or Domina/Domme ever more closely associated with personal familiarity. i tend to use Lord or Lady as it can denotes a person in authority without any personal connection to myself. Ma'am and Sir are widely recognized as a respectful form address among strangers or a new acquaintance...If i were not the property of another it would seem very presumptuous of me to address them as Mistress or Master, even worse with Domme or Dom....cheech whats a sub to do...Even if so instructed to call someone such...Mistress of Master i would not! First of all; they are not my Mistress or Master... not YET! Second they have not earned that right. Not in my eyes; they are strangers....i will however be very respectful and courteous...if they have a problem with that... then the conversation is over....as long as i'm at it...i'm submissive/ NOT a slave, talk about addressing people in a flip or incorrect manner ... HOLY MOTHER OF PEARL! oh i forgot, i'm just a sub after all....

a respectful but somewhat miffed
understud....

_____________________________

If you don't love and respect yourself; how the hell can you love and respect anyone else

(in reply to MisPandora)

Post #: 40

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