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RE: Abandoned by Dom - 5/3/2006 7:23:26 AM

tendergirl

Posts: 103
Joined: 11/25/2005
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Thank you for all your words of advice.

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Post #: 21

RE: Abandoned by Dom - 5/3/2006 7:34:57 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

tender,
We're both very sorry for your experience. Obviously you had a lot of emotion invested. It's unfortunate that he didn't feel confident enough to discuss what he was experiencing with you. When you are the dominant in a relationship sometimes it is difficult to express what could be seen as failure or weakness to your submissive partner. But it is just such a disclosure, that could have salvaged your relationship. Maybe it wouldn't be salvaged with a 24/7 M/s dynamic, but you could come to terms together about an agreed relationship that includes some measure of BDSM lifestyle. My guess is that is core of the problem.

Your situation points out a belief that I adamantly support. Contrary to appearances on sites such as this; 24/7 or even a consistent M/s dynamic within a relationship is very rare. I won't argue about which side of the flogger has it "tougher" because if it is a perfect fit there is no "tougher" at all; it's natural, easy. But "waiting 30 years to act out..." is not an indicator that acting upon his fantasies 24/7 will work in real life. You can experiment over a weekend, or over a long vacation; but nothing prepares you for the daily 24/7 interaction. People say you have to be "always on". I disagree - if you have to be "on" it indicates conscience effort. I'd say it has to be "natural". You aren't 'on' you just 'are'. The dynamic must be unconscious, on the same plain as eye blinking and heart beating. Without that foundation once all the "acts" you fantasied about are experienced, you look around and say to yourself "now what do I do?" Then it becomes effort, work, and you start to plan your exit. Being human, blaming the other for the failure is the common way to go.

I don't understand; "He says that I became so strong in vanilla, that I repelled Him" but it comes off as his rationalized exit strategy. Again, shame there is no confidence.

Good luck to you. If your experience with him helped you to determine that a 24/7 dynamic is your goal don't lose focus. Now you know more about yourself and what it takes to be successful than you did before the experience. Be grateful to him for that. Accept your pain and hurt and as payment and go on. Your strength is an asset. Don't inhibit its exposure. Use it to ask the right questions to the next person with whom you want to make your next attempt.

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Post #: 22

RE: Abandoned by Dom - 5/3/2006 7:38:03 AM

redpetals

Posts: 229
Joined: 6/27/2005
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Are you strong enough or willing to Top him?
Just asking..

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Post #: 23

RE: Abandoned by Dom - 5/3/2006 8:07:14 AM

LadyHugs

Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Dear tendergirl, Ladies and Gentlemen;

Reading your first post, I am sure you will do fine, as you have taken the biggest step in recovery, to which is -- seeking support from the larger community, e.g. chat, posting, etc.

That said, the lifestyle in general is no different than vanilla, just more to go wrong than vanilla but, for all the 'more to go wrong' there are even more to go "correctly." Being partnered in any relationship takes a lot of work and communication. It is not some romantic novel with the journey mapped out to a happy conclusions.

I also find that if an individual "attacks" and "blames" another--usually, it is the person that is doing the shouting, is seeing what he sees in themselves--rather than the actual person that he is raging about. Treat it as a mirror.

Another comment I wish to make -- That you have the power to take your own power back or to place it in good hands. If that power is abused, take it back. Same with abandoned power--take it back. You are the one with it. You need to reclaim it and not let it sit in space without a home/host/you. And, I caution that this period of time, you will be at your weakest state, as you look for a "white knight." That white knight has to be you not assigned to another stranger and or well intended individuals.

Additionally, being that type of person that realizes what might be a personal crisis now, may have done you a favor. You'll be more careful in entrusting your life, emotions, mental, body and soul into another person. Let them earn it. Nobody "trashes" something they worked very hard for. If you give it freely, they don't know how to treat it--so they trash it and not maintain it. Same with parents giving cars to their kids. They trash it; as they don't realize how much goes into earning money to buy the car, maintain it, insure it, etc.

Further, as you go through the grief period, mourn at your own pace. However, know as one door closes, another may open. There are lots of bad people in life, this lifestyle is no different but, there are even more wonderful people in the lifestyle. Be kind to yourself and take your own power back.

Respectfully submitted,
Lady Hugs

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Post #: 24

RE: Abandoned by Dom - 5/3/2006 8:24:34 AM

Daddysredhead

Posts: 23574
Joined: 11/6/2005
From: Northern (yet still part of the South) Virginia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MstrssSatin

Do not let him put the blame on you tender. And more importantly do not accept that you are to blame. He broke off the relationship because of his own weaknesses and shortcomings. Instead of being a gentleman and a real man he chooses to blame you instead of taking responsibility for his own actions. Don't allow it and don't listen to him. Find a man who is worthy of you, don't settle for less.

Mistress Satin

I agree with Mistress Satin, tendergirl. I am sorry that your heart is broken and that you are feeling the pain from this loss. Once you begin to mend, I hope that the now broken parts are stronger and that you will find happiness and true love.

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13th doughnut

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RE: Abandoned by Dom - 5/3/2006 8:34:46 AM

artglfr

Posts: 235
Joined: 4/8/2005
Status: offline

things will get better, go back to work and do simple things to make YOUR life pleasureable; movies, books, a trip to a place you always wanted to go but mainly Get your Life Back on Track as soon as possible. Doms come along and will appreciate you for what you are.

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Post #: 26

RE: Abandoned by Dom - 5/3/2006 7:07:54 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

tender,
We're both very sorry for your experience. Obviously you had a lot of emotion invested. It's unfortunate that he didn't feel confident enough to discuss what he was experiencing with you. When you are the dominant in a relationship sometimes it is difficult to express what could be seen as failure or weakness to your submissive partner. But it is just such a disclosure, that could have salvaged your relationship. Maybe it wouldn't be salvaged with a 24/7 M/s dynamic, but you could come to terms together about an agreed relationship that includes some measure of BDSM lifestyle. My guess is that is core of the problem.

Your situation points out a belief that I adamantly support. Contrary to appearances on sites such as this; 24/7 or even a consistent M/s dynamic within a relationship is very rare. I won't argue about which side of the flogger has it "tougher" because if it is a perfect fit there is no "tougher" at all; it's natural, easy. But "waiting 30 years to act out..." is not an indicator that acting upon his fantasies 24/7 will work in real life. You can experiment over a weekend, or over a long vacation; but nothing prepares you for the daily 24/7 interaction. People say you have to be "always on". I disagree - if you have to be "on" it indicates conscience effort. I'd say it has to be "natural". You aren't 'on' you just 'are'. The dynamic must be unconscious, on the same plain as eye blinking and heart beating. Without that foundation once all the "acts" you fantasied about are experienced, you look around and say to yourself "now what do I do?" Then it becomes effort, work, and you start to plan your exit. Being human, blaming the other for the failure is the common way to go.

I don't understand; "He says that I became so strong in vanilla, that I repelled Him" but it comes off as his rationalized exit strategy. Again, shame there is no confidence.

Good luck to you. If your experience with him helped you to determine that a 24/7 dynamic is your goal don't lose focus. Now you know more about yourself and what it takes to be successful than you did before the experience. Be grateful to him for that. Accept your pain and hurt and as payment and go on. Your strength is an asset. Don't inhibit its exposure. Use it to ask the right questions to the next person with whom you want to make your next attempt.

Great words of wisdom.

I am sorry for your pain. I went through something similar, years ago, and know what it is to be left stunned, hurt, and totally confused. His weakness is your pain. But you did not cause it. The deepest and purest of submission comes from great strength. If a girl's strength repels him, that it is likely that he is weaker than the girl he dominates, and THAT is what really repels him - his own weakness.

Draw from your strength, lean on your friends, and get through, one day at a time...one hour at a time if necessary.

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Post #: 27

RE: Abandoned by Dom - 5/3/2006 7:36:30 PM

MissDiandSirHugh

Posts: 1158
Joined: 8/11/2005
From: Goondiwindi ( Qld )
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tendergirl we are sorry to hear what has has happend and please just know that you have a far greater strenght in you than he did so use that to help you realise how pathetic his excuse is for the way he has acted.
A hard lesson has been learnt but as already said better now than later on so use that to realize you can do face all things that enter your life both the good and the bad.
That strength and your determination will make you a person that when your true Dom enters your life some one he will be so proud to say you are his and will always be that way.

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RE: Abandoned by Dom - 5/3/2006 7:43:52 PM

MistressImp

Posts: 162
Joined: 3/6/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TolerableCruelty
... he's not worthy to be called a Man, letalone a dom, or a Master....

Agreed.... Sounds like he is just a boy who attempted to play the role of a Man as well as a Dom...I know it doesn't feel like it now.... but your really better off....take it.... learn from it... grow from it.... and proceed forward.

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Life is what you make of it, personally I'm making mine an Amusement Park with all the cool rides.

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Post #: 29

RE: Abandoned by Dom - 5/3/2006 8:12:34 PM

mons

Posts: 2400
Joined: 11/16/2005
Status: offline

Tendergirl

He was playing a game and tried he best to blame you'
do not let him do this he is gone, i understand a brokenheart
do not do what i did i wasted many years waitng for him to return!
The trap was (i will always love you) that dumb ass line made me
wait. Iam telling you this for one reason do not let him take your soul,
your life, I know it is hard but try to move on as soon as you can. It
is okay not to jump right back in. But do not waste the years or the tears
on the lowlife. I ache for you so please take care. There is a saying
you wonder where god is when you are hurting so bad? But all of the
pain you have now he is carry you and holding you up as all of the comuminty
here writes to you. The love of your life was not him, love does not hurt. He will come
and you will know much happyneiss with true love!

I wish you the best
mons/jane

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Post #: 30

RE: Abandoned by Dom - 5/3/2006 8:42:13 PM

Phoenixandnika

Posts: 748
Joined: 4/22/2005
From: Aberdeen Maryland
Status: offline

I strongly beleive that everything in our lives happen for a reason. Sometimes we don't see or understand those reasons but they are there. I also strongly beleive that everything we go through gives us strength for what ever the future will hold. Go through the stages of grief. Survive. Grow. And live.

Blessed Be,

Phoenix's Nika

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RE: Abandoned by Dom - 5/3/2006 9:44:13 PM

LovingKitten

Posts: 29
Joined: 2/7/2006
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I feel your pain, and you have my sympathies.

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RE: Abandoned by Dom - 5/3/2006 11:21:26 PM

BiteGirl

Posts: 293
Joined: 4/27/2006
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Aw, That sounds really sucky.
Screw him for hurting you.
You'll find someone better hun.

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Post #: 33

RE: Abandoned by Dom - 5/4/2006 12:31:03 AM

CERCKL

Posts: 1039
Joined: 3/4/2006
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quote:

People say you have to be "always on". I disagree - if you have to be "on" it indicates conscience effort. I'd say it has to be "natural". You aren't 'on' you just 'are'. The dynamic must be unconscious, on the same plain as eye blinking and heart beating. Without that foundation once all the "acts" you fantasied about are experienced, you look around and say to yourself "now what do I do?" Then it becomes effort, work, and you start to plan your exit. Being human, blaming the other for the failure is the common way to go.

Well stated...and the intensity of the energy, intimacy, trust...can be overwhelming (no, I'm not getting into My own flailing again...). Just, taht sometimes when faced with what we want to believe we want, we find that is beyond what we perceived...what we can handle...
Learn, grieve, hate...whatever but do not accept the poor rationalizations of another; we all have our own karma to live through and nobody elses...nor can we be responsible for how another acts, flees, etc...
Intention and your all actions are all you can possess, control, be responsible for...
You will heal...trusting another intimately, fully and being left is painful but also strengthening, as long as you do not allow yourself to be defeated by it...and are willing to continue offering it (wisely) until the proper one accepts it.

C

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RE: Abandoned by Dom - 5/4/2006 12:39:45 AM

slavejali

Posts: 2918
Status: offline

quote:

He says that I became so strong in vanilla, that I repelled Him. Now all I have is the very strength He condemns me for.

What does that part actually mean?

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RE: Abandoned by Dom - 5/4/2006 12:58:53 AM

champagnewishes

Posts: 1310
Joined: 10/31/2005
From: Orange County
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So sorry tendergirl...nothing i can say will help the hurt your going through. But keep in mind, one day, you WILL wake up and realize you just avoided a major train crash. This individual is simply spineless. He rather blame those around him than be true to himself. I lack all respect for people like that. Better to deal with the hurt your feeling now than to have to pick up the shambles of your life had this relationship gone any further.

~~~HUGS~~~

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RE: Abandoned by Dom - 5/4/2006 1:01:21 AM

champagnewishes

Posts: 1310
Joined: 10/31/2005
From: Orange County
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slavejali

quote:

He says that I became so strong in vanilla, that I repelled Him. Now all I have is the very strength He condemns me for.

What does that part actually mean?

I think it means "I am a loser and i will blame you for it because i am too weak a person to accept responsibility"

< Message edited by champagnewishes -- 5/4/2006 1:03:26 AM >

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RE: Abandoned by Dom - 5/4/2006 1:28:54 AM

tendergirl

Posts: 103
Joined: 11/25/2005
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Now He wants "to just be friends" .....argh...........

Don't you just hate that!?! Don't you also hate that feeling when you wake up and have forgotten just for a moment, then within seconds the pain comes flooding back into your heart?

You are all good people, you are all right in what you are telling me. I enjoyed being a submissive so very much. I don't want to lose that.

love to you all for helping me during this horrible time, I am getting better.

tendergirl

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Post #: 38

RE: Abandoned by Dom - 5/4/2006 6:54:28 AM

themischievous1

Posts: 151
Joined: 4/3/2005
From: San Antonio, Texas
Status: offline

Speaking from somewhat recent experience, I don't suggest the transition to "just friends" overnight. There needs to be a distinct period of no contact, of separation, in order to let go, heal, and allow change to occur. This period of letting go and being completely apart allows the relationship to go through a metamorphisis into whatever it may be next, or simply to close itself out and allow both to move on. Give it the time for this to happen, unless you desire to take him back.

Whatever you do, I don't suggest sitting around waiting and hoping that he'll change his mind and you'll get back together. That's a torment you don't want to go through.

I'm not saying to rush right back into another relationship either; but you could just "hang out," and go to dinner or a movie with new people who are safe and not out to pressure you. Take your time and get to know these people well. Don't rush. Before you know it, your ex dom will be a memory and it won't hurt like it does now..it'll just be kind of blurry and over.

Best wishes...

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RE: Abandoned by Dom - 5/6/2006 3:52:05 PM

tendergirl

Posts: 103
Joined: 11/25/2005
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For anyone following this thread, I would like to update you all.

My "Dom" has finally confessed that after 5 months D/s and vanilla, after organising living together, introducing kids to each other etc, that he wanted to keep me as a sub, but dump me in vanilla.

Soooo tendergirl was not dumped after all. He rejected who I am in vanilla.

Needless to say, I kicked him to the curb for good.

love from tendergirl

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Post #: 40