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Second Chances - Do you believe in/give them? - 2/3/2011 4:52:02 PM

WinsomeDefiance

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Joined: 8/7/2007
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So, on the topic of second chances at a previously unfullfilling D/s - M/s relationship: If the opportunity to try again presents itself, do you?

The reason this topic comes to MY mind, is pretty simple. Someone that I adore recently contacted me, and of course my old visceral responses to him did cartwheels. My rational self, on the other hand said, remember how he made you an option, but expected you to make him a priority? Remember how he basically led you on, was unable to commit to you, but had no problem committing to the young 20 year-old college gal he moved into his home? Remember how he acted as if he was embarassed to be seen with you at the public event he took you to, basically ignoring you and telling you that you were cramping his style?

My visceral self is saying, yeah BUT, remember how it felt sitting at his feet with your head in his lap? Remember how safe you felt in his arms? Remember how much you miss him? Remember how YOU respond to him? Remember how rare it is to find someone you can respond so vulnerably and deeply to is?

It seems obvious that the answer for me, in this situation, was no. Despite how sad it makes me to walk away, AGAIN, from something I desire. I've no reason to presume things would be different. He said he misses me, and I'm sure he does - but, I'm just not willing to be his rebound gal.

There are deeper issues, MY issues, regarding this - that are reasons I'm just not willing to go there again. Issues I'm not going to go into here, but suffice it to say I don't blame HIM. He's otherwise a wonderful man, great person, and I do adore him dearly.

So, for whatever reason your past relationships ended, are you willing if the opportunity arises to try again? Have you tried again? Has it worked out? Did previous incompatibilities resurface or did they work themselves out?

< Message edited by WinsomeDefiance -- 2/3/2011 4:53:05 PM >

Post #: 1

RE: Second Chances - Do you believe in/give them? - 2/3/2011 5:00:12 PM

Madame4a

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From: Washington, DC area
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I've given one... and it wasn't the same situation.

Briefly, when I was a lot more poly than I am now, I had a boi and was dating another person. We all knew one another; the other person (M) also had a boi (S). That boi and I had a civil, sometimes close, sometime strained relationship. We liked one another but being friends was out of the question. The others in our lives strived to keep us apart. After things changed (I broke up with M and I rarely saw S. When I did see S... it was always bad for me, it dredged up the past. We'd also try to be friends and then she'd drop me as M had trouble with it. And I'd get hurt... and all kinds of other stuff.

She contacted me one fall -- tried to get me to have breakfast with her and I put her off -- many times. I didn't want to drag up the past again. It was always a bit strained with S and I just didn't want to put myself through it. She called me once when I was on vacation -- she was good friends with my boi, so I handed her the phone and said "Its S, she must want you" ... turns out S was yet again trying to track me down. I finally agreed to a date a month from then for breakfast. I won't ever regret giving her that second chance. We're living together and will have been together two years this March.

I rarely do that, and in the situation above, I'd done it a lot and had always been disappointed. Funny -- it was good this time.

My instincts though, tell me that doesn't happen often. I think people tend not to change unless they want to. If you do consider him again, I'd mention everything you wrote here and listen to what he says about it. Perhaps he can change some of that behavior.

< Message edited by Madame4a -- 2/3/2011 5:03:45 PM >

_____________________________

You're crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

(in reply to WinsomeDefiance)

Post #: 2

RE: Second Chances - Do you believe in/give them? - 2/3/2011 5:01:57 PM

heartfeltsub

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Joined: 11/5/2004
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Hey there Winsome,

i understand kind of what you are talking about. The situation isn't exactly the same. My former Dominant didn't treat me badly at all or make me feel like i wasn't a priority to him, he simply decided one day he wanted to father a child and because he couldn't see how poly would work with children and the person he wanted to make a baby with was mostly vanilla with a little twist, he decided that his and my relationship had to end. He is a geat guy, an excellent Dominant and someone i will always love and admire. The relationship that he was going to make baby with didn't work. He came to the realization that part of his motivation for that particular relationship was a last ditch effort at being "normal" (he was fairly new to the lifestyle at the time). He is free, i am free, we are both best friends to each other and when we were D/s it was almost exactly what we both wanted. The key there being almost, there was one key point on which we were not compatible when we are compatible on everything else. And because of that one key point, we will never be D/s again. It is hard for both of us not to let ourselves go there. It would be so easy, so natural for both of us to go there, but it would always be not quite right, not entirely fulfilling to either of us. So even though it would feel great to go there again, we don't.

So a second chance on D/s no we aren't doing that. A second chance to have a wonderful man be my best friend in the whole world, absolutely. i guess what i am trying to say is it might be similar for you, if you can walk the line between remaining just friends and letting it get D/s. Or it may be that that isn't healthy for either one of you. i know this sounds so wishy washy, i just mainly wanted to say i understand the struggle and i hope you will listen to what you KNOW will be best and healthiest for you.

heartfelt

_____________________________

Life is an exciting business, and most exciting when it is lived for others.

Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.

Life is either a great adventure or nothing.

Helen Keller

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(in reply to WinsomeDefiance)

Post #: 3

RE: Second Chances - Do you believe in/give them? - 2/3/2011 5:04:40 PM

heartfeltsub

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i wanted to ask, as it relates to what i posted as well, did the things that made the relationship a struggle with S, had they changed? That was mostly my point to Winsome, that if the problems that made the relationship not work in the past haven't been resolved, that restarting the relationship will end in the same result as before.

heartfelt

_____________________________

Life is an exciting business, and most exciting when it is lived for others.

Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.

Life is either a great adventure or nothing.

Helen Keller

50 NZ points

(in reply to Madame4a)

Post #: 4

RE: Second Chances - Do you believe in/give them? - 2/3/2011 5:18:49 PM

WinsomeDefiance

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Madame4a, and heartfeltsub: Thank you both for responding and sharing your experiences. I think it is great that they were both positive experiences, though they had different outcomes.

I do agree that the situation and incompatibilities/issues being resolved is key to whether or not a second chance HAS a chance at success.

(in reply to heartfeltsub)

Post #: 5

RE: Second Chances - Do you believe in/give them? - 2/3/2011 5:38:21 PM

Madame4a

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From: Washington, DC area
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Absolutely... the time that I first knew her, she was ina relationship with M that was not good for her. I knew her as almost always unhappy and sullen. She's soooo different now. We also don't have M hanging between us. I'll say that while we both tried to conduct ourselves well in a difficult poly situation -- it didn't work very well and not everyone was too good at it. Our lives had changed quite a bit. I was at that point two years away from the situation. She was less, but still apart from it and mostly over it.

Funnily enough, I often say to her "who knew?" and smile and she says.. "everyone but us" ... M tried to keep us apart, I used to laugh at M and accuse her of being jealous of us running off into the sunset together. And we did in the end...

we live on a street called "sunset" ...

quote:

ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub

i wanted to ask, as it relates to what i posted as well, did the things that made the relationship a struggle with S, had they changed? That was mostly my point to Winsome, that if the problems that made the relationship not work in the past haven't been resolved, that restarting the relationship will end in the same result as before.

heartfelt

_____________________________

You're crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

(in reply to heartfeltsub)

Post #: 6

RE: Second Chances - Do you believe in/give them? - 2/3/2011 5:38:30 PM

WinsomeDefiance

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quote:

ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub

Hey there Winsome,

...
So a second chance on D/s no we aren't doing that. A second chance to have a wonderful man be my best friend in the whole world, absolutely. i guess what i am trying to say is it might be similar for you, if you can walk the line between remaining just friends and letting it get D/s. Or it may be that that isn't healthy for either one of you. i know this sounds so wishy washy, i just mainly wanted to say i understand the struggle and i hope you will listen to what you KNOW will be best and healthiest for you.

heartfelt

Hi there heartfeltsub,

I'm not sure, honestly, if I could stand firm on that line of 'just friends.' He talks about being lonely, and every instinct in me wants to fix that so he isn't lonely. When it comes to standing firm, I think I'd be too easily drawn back in.

(in reply to heartfeltsub)

Post #: 7

RE: Second Chances - Do you believe in/give them? - 2/3/2011 5:47:08 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

My giving someone a second chance would depend on what happened the first time around.

In a situation such as you described....nope, no way, not happening. No second chances. I would suggest to him that maybe the pretty young thang he was with before will give him a second chance.

My last relationship wouldn't even get a second glance let alone a second chance.

< Message edited by littlewonder -- 2/3/2011 5:48:08 PM >

(in reply to WinsomeDefiance)

Post #: 8

RE: Second Chances - Do you believe in/give them? - 2/3/2011 5:53:55 PM

Hillwilliam

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Joined: 8/27/2008
Status: offline

There is one... O-N-E sub that I would give a second chance to. When she left, it ripped My guts out but I understood and wished her godspeed. We have talked as friends on the phone the last several years and if things work out, she might be Mine again. or maybe we will continue as friends,

Time will tell

She is the only one I would give a second chance to.

\Edited cause I'm dyslexic

< Message edited by Hillwilliam -- 2/3/2011 5:54:42 PM >

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 9

RE: Second Chances - Do you believe in/give them? - 2/3/2011 5:57:32 PM

WinsomeDefiance

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Joined: 8/7/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder
...My last relationship wouldn't even get a second glance let alone a second chance.

I hear ya!

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 10

RE: Second Chances - Do you believe in/give them? - 2/3/2011 5:59:13 PM

WinsomeDefiance

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Joined: 8/7/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hillwilliam

.. she might be Mine again. or maybe we will continue as friends,

Time will tell

...

Thank you for sharing your situation/experience. I hope all the best for you!

(in reply to Hillwilliam)

Post #: 11

RE: Second Chances - Do you believe in/give them? - 2/3/2011 6:11:41 PM

oceanwynds2

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Joined: 1/8/2011
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I do not want to go into details, so briefly I left Florida for a couple major reasons and 1 being the dom i was seeing. He did contact me through ims and we tried. It left me with more bruises. I cannot open that door again for him. He knows I plan to live again in Florida in June by myself. I told him do not contact me. I cant afford the pain any more and i deserve so much more.

I will be living near my daughter and get involved again with her. So looking forward to that. No more chances with this guy. The behavior patterns never changed and i could see that. That is why i closed the door.

(in reply to WinsomeDefiance)

Post #: 12

RE: Second Chances - Do you believe in/give them? - 2/3/2011 6:19:51 PM

sexyred1

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No second chances. If something was going to work, it would have barring very unusual circumstances.

Take it from me, I have given my ex a million second chances and we cannot seem to totally separate. It causes me no end of pain, but I cannot seem to stop seeing him.

Don't do it, Win, believe me.

(in reply to WinsomeDefiance)

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RE: Second Chances - Do you believe in/give them? - 2/3/2011 6:29:19 PM

hereyesruponyou

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I can honestly say every time I have sucked it up and told myself to give someone another chance it has bitten me in the ass. I do tend to worry that I am being too intolerant and this leads me to second guess wanting to just walk away early on, but honestly, I really need to just listen to my instincts...

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RE: Second Chances - Do you believe in/give them? - 2/3/2011 6:56:46 PM

Missokyst

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Can't say what anyone else might do, but I have given 2nd chances, 3rd.. ect.
I take each moment as if it were new, because people change and so do circumstances. I have changed over the years too. It used to be I had a very narrow view of what I found acceptable. As I matured that view has gotten more relaxed. It is not that I am settling either, it is that I am comfortable in my own skin, and don't need someone "great" beside me to define me.
But, with that said I will say I don't walk in unarmed either. I do not give it up simply because my heart is longing for the old ways. Phht to that. Each moment is new, but "I" have learned. So I am somewhat more gaurded. I allow only what I find acceptable until I feel I can allow more. The second time around I am more watchful for things that ripped my soul. The rose colored glasses have been replaced by crystal clear lenses that let me analyse the moment if not when it is happening, then shortly after.
Right now I am having a bit of play with the X. I do not take it seriously. I do not build up my hopes. I do not wish for a miracle. It is simply play.
I also have another man in my life with whom I share my mind. And yet another that gives me passion.

I do believe in second chances, but only if you can learn from the first round.

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

(in reply to WinsomeDefiance)

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RE: Second Chances - Do you believe in/give them? - 2/3/2011 7:03:23 PM

LadyRian

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It depends on why the second chance was necessary. It all depends on the sincerity of the one desiring the chance. Did they realise they really messed up, bad, and are willing to make the effort, do the work involved and change their behaviour? Ok, second chance good in that case.

Did they figure that because they got a second chance they could then run riot and get away with anything they wanted to get away with, and use it as an ego trip? Second chance very bad in that case. Problem is, you don't always know if you're facing scenario 1 or scenario 2 until you give it enough time to play out.

I gave the wrong person a second chance, and ended up paying a harsh emotional price. But does that mean I'd never give anyone a second chance? No. It most certainly does not. I take things on a case by case basis. Every person is different.

_____________________________

"Dodging bullets since 2010"

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RE: Second Chances - Do you believe in/give them? - 2/3/2011 7:24:06 PM

kdsusa7894

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I have and will continue to give people second chances, and some more than that. I know I've fucked up in the past and will again. I'm not perfect and I make mistakes, humans do that. I wouldn't if the person hurt me intentionally, that would be a no turning back point for me but if they made/make honest mistakes, then yes I would.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val To Aqua- Thanks!
Seduce my mind and you can have my body, find my soul and I'm yours forever...

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RE: Second Chances - Do you believe in/give them? - 2/3/2011 7:33:23 PM

TreasureKY

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From: Kentucky
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While in a relationship I will give many chances. Once the relationship ends, no... I give no more. It takes a lot to push me to the point where I will end a relationship. Once ended, there's no returning.

(in reply to WinsomeDefiance)

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RE: Second Chances - Do you believe in/give them? - 2/3/2011 7:52:36 PM

WinsomeDefiance

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quote:

ORIGINAL: oceanwynds2

...I cant afford the pain any more and i deserve so much more.

I will be living near my daughter and get involved again with her. So looking forward to that. No more chances with this guy. The behavior patterns never changed and i could see that. That is why i closed the door.

How great that you will have the opportunity to live near your daughter and reconnect with her! Thank you for sharing. I wish you lots of healing and happiness.

(in reply to oceanwynds2)

Post #: 19

RE: Second Chances - Do you believe in/give them? - 2/3/2011 7:59:22 PM

WinsomeDefiance

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Joined: 8/7/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

No second chances. If something was going to work, it would have barring very unusual circumstances.

Take it from me, I have given my ex a million second chances and we cannot seem to totally separate. It causes me no end of pain, but I cannot seem to stop seeing him.

Don't do it, Win, believe me.

Generally speaking, when I process my emotions and make a decision to end it, I usually never look back. I'm just that compartmentalized. It saddens me to think of you sabotaging your self-confidence and happiness being unable to make a clean break from your ex!

Take it from this great sexy redhead I know, don't do that to yourself! I'll stand strong, you do the same!

(in reply to sexyred1)

Post #: 20

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