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RE: Second Chances - Do you believe in/give them? - 2/3/2011 8:04:39 PM

golemx

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Unless they had harmed someone I care about I would generally be willing to give a second chance. Likely not a third though.

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RE: Second Chances - Do you believe in/give them? - 2/3/2011 8:14:48 PM

SexyBossyBBW

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It depends on how the relationship ended, how much resentment and pain was caused by either party, and how much unkindness/disrespectful behavior was perpetrated.
I would give someone a second chance, most of the time, if I'm still attracted to him, and haven't lost all respect for him. M

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RE: Second Chances - Do you believe in/give them? - 2/3/2011 8:21:22 PM

mummyman321

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My first thought is if it did not work the first time why would it work the second time? I am open to the possibility but without seeing some type of major change I would have to say no.

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RE: Second Chances - Do you believe in/give them? - 2/3/2011 8:26:26 PM

Marini

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Do I believe in giving second chances ?
For some people it may be the way to go, for me {when it comes to relationships}, it is really not my policy.

I MIGHT make an exception to this rule, but it is very rare.
If I did consider making an exception, I could only offer you a chance at being my "friend", and see where that goes.

I would NEVER give someone a second chance, and jump into a relationship.
lol

The saying, Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me, has meaning after walking the earth as long as I have.

Peace

< Message edited by Marini -- 2/3/2011 8:32:06 PM >

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RE: Second Chances - Do you believe in/give them? - 2/3/2011 8:29:15 PM

oceanwynds2

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Thank you Winsome

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RE: Second Chances - Do you believe in/give them? - 2/3/2011 8:35:57 PM

Marini

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As far as your OP, about your ex and the way he treated you??

Hell fucking no.

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RE: Second Chances - Do you believe in/give them? - 2/3/2011 8:48:30 PM

PrincessofSadden

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I believe in second chances for certain people. But I also have learned to listen to my head and not my heart. If the head says it's not worth it, then I've learned to go with what it says, cause 9 times out of 10 it's gonna be right. The heart likes to play mind games and therefore I've lost all hope in listening to it anymore.

- Princess

< Message edited by PrincessofSadden -- 2/3/2011 8:58:19 PM >

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RE: Second Chances - Do you believe in/give them? - 2/3/2011 9:33:44 PM

lizi

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Speaking in broad generalizations I stay away from second chances when I'm approached for one. There was a reason or reasons why it didn't work and that's generally still there, so I'd be signing up for more heart ache. The one time I have given a second chance hasn't worked out well for me in the end as a romantic relationship, but we've remained friends. Now if I can get him to accept that instead of pushing for more periodically I'd be happier because when he pushes it makes me think about it and I get tempted and I don't like that because it hurts when I keep telling myself no. But I have to. He's really no good for me as anything more than a friend.

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RE: Second Chances - Do you believe in/give them? - 2/3/2011 9:55:49 PM

BurntKitty

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Would I give my former SO a second chance? Let's see, leading me on for 3 years, lying about being a widower & single dad (wife is alive & very much in the picture)....
Ummm no, thanks. To quote Jack Nicholson in Terms of Endearment "I'd rather stick needles in my eyes".

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RE: Second Chances - Do you believe in/give them? - 2/3/2011 10:08:58 PM

NuevaVida

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quote:

ORIGINAL: TreasureKY

While in a relationship I will give many chances. Once the relationship ends, no... I give no more. It takes a lot to push me to the point where I will end a relationship. Once ended, there's no returning.

This, totally.

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RE: Second Chances - Do you believe in/give them? - 2/3/2011 11:52:06 PM

IronBear

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It depends on the circumstances, all the circumstances and the damage done to all parties. If the mistakes made were genuine mistakes and the maker of the mistakes shows genuine regret and sorrow, I may give a second chance. The rules of engagement would be different though.

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RE: Second Chances - Do you believe in/give them? - 2/4/2011 12:00:56 AM

CherryNeko

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My forgiving nature is strong, until I feel offended. Yes, it takes a lot to actually make me (of all people) feel offended. I can take a lot, and that's not only MY opinion: a lot of my friends think so too. Yet when I'm hurt, when someone really makes me feel bad, I can't try again. I'd be goddamned, I mean, there's not only a confidence issue, but many other things. Pain, time, thought, disappointment... it will never be the same. I can forgive a lot of things, but when I reach my limit, there's no turning back.

(I think you did well...)

< Message edited by CherryNeko -- 2/4/2011 12:02:09 AM >

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RE: Second Chances - Do you believe in/give them? - 2/4/2011 12:54:05 AM

lally2

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quote:

ORIGINAL: WinsomeDefiance
Remember how rare it is to find someone you can respond so vulnerably and deeply to is?

thats it, for me in a similar situation once thats what it boiled down to.

this is an FR by the way, i havent read everybody i gotta dash, but im sure someone somewhere has suggested you compare all those really naff, feeble, selfish, hurtful, crass, gittish things he did against that one deep unbelievably powerful reason.

i considered going back lots of times, we'd get back in touch and we'd chat for hours and that connection was there to pick up and he did try the last time to engage some submissive cooperation. but in the end it wasnt there. interestingly enough the part i missed the most was the part that kept me away. i didnt want to go that deep with someone i didnt fundamentally trust anymore.

i still love him as a friend, but we cant be in touch because the friendship kicks in and the connection develops again. he wasnt ever mean to me as youre guy was - but the elements that sent me away cloud the vulnerability and depth of submission i want with him and stop me.

if id stayed with him i know we'd still be together and in an amazing Ms relationship because the connection would have remained constant - but it got broken and though ive been tempted lots of times because that connection is so rare and finding that connnection again seems a near impossibility that vulnerability keeps me away.

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RE: Second Chances - Do you believe in/give them? - 2/4/2011 2:57:42 AM

darkenchantment

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quote:

ORIGINAL: BurntKitty

Would I give my former SO a second chance? Let's see, leading me on for 3 years, lying about being a widower & single dad (wife is alive & very much in the picture)....
Ummm no, thanks. To quote Jack Nicholson in Terms of Endearment "I'd rather stick needles in my eyes".

So........Jack is into this 'ism'...........?!

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RE: Second Chances - Do you believe in/give them? - 2/4/2011 3:26:45 AM

heartfeltsub

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quote:

ORIGINAL: WinsomeDefiance

quote:

ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub

Hey there Winsome,

...
So a second chance on D/s no we aren't doing that. A second chance to have a wonderful man be my best friend in the whole world, absolutely. i guess what i am trying to say is it might be similar for you, if you can walk the line between remaining just friends and letting it get D/s. Or it may be that that isn't healthy for either one of you. i know this sounds so wishy washy, i just mainly wanted to say i understand the struggle and i hope you will listen to what you KNOW will be best and healthiest for you.

heartfelt

Hi there heartfeltsub,

I'm not sure, honestly, if I could stand firm on that line of 'just friends.' He talks about being lonely, and every instinct in me wants to fix that so he isn't lonely. When it comes to standing firm, I think I'd be too easily drawn back in.

Having said that, it sounds like it would be better for you to stay away. With my ex-Dom, i don't try to fix his issues, if he has any, if he is lonely that is on him. It sounds like my situation and yours are different.

Hope you choose wisely for you,
heartfelt

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RE: Second Chances - Do you believe in/give them? - 2/4/2011 7:49:46 AM

CreativeDominant

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

Can't say what anyone else might do, but I have given 2nd chances, 3rd.. ect.
I take each moment as if it were new, because people change and so do circumstances. I have changed over the years too. It used to be I had a very narrow view of what I found acceptable. As I matured that view has gotten more relaxed. It is not that I am settling either, it is that I am comfortable in my own skin, and don't need someone "great" beside me to define me.
But, with that said I will say I don't walk in unarmed either. I do not give it up simply because my heart is longing for the old ways. Phht to that. Each moment is new, but "I" have learned. So I am somewhat more gaurded. I allow only what I find acceptable until I feel I can allow more. The second time around I am more watchful for things that ripped my soul. The rose colored glasses have been replaced by crystal clear lenses that let me analyse the moment if not when it is happening, then shortly after.
Right now I am having a bit of play with the X. I do not take it seriously. I do not build up my hopes. I do not wish for a miracle. It is simply play.
I also have another man in my life with whom I share my mind. And yet another that gives me passion.

I do believe in second chances, but only if you can learn from the first round.

Much of what missokyst has said here rings true for me also...as well as what some others have said.

Believe me, there are times when I have done so and have wound up with my heart broken once again...be it past lovers or friends.

BUT...people do change, just as I have. Things in which I was rigid, I am not so much anymore. e.g....I swore once I would never relocate. Surprise! I found someone that I realized that I was willing to do that for. The ending of us kept it from happening but in thinking it over since then, I have come to realize that I still would. So now, the idea of relocation...while a difficult one to consider and one that would be undertaken with a great deal of thought and discussion...is not something I rule out entirely.

Someone else noted though that when people...past friends, past business acquaintances, lovers, come back into their sphere the glasses aren't quite so rosy. If anyone looks at my newest profile pic, they will see that the new glasses are clear with nary a tinge of rose to them.

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RE: Second Chances - Do you believe in/give them? - 2/4/2011 7:50:46 AM

happylittlepet

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quote:

ORIGINAL: WinsomeDefiance
I'm not sure, honestly, if I could stand firm on that line of 'just friends.' He talks about being lonely, and every instinct in me wants to fix that so he isn't lonely. When it comes to standing firm, I think I'd be too easily drawn back in.

Sometimes a person will try to avoid feeling lonely at all cost (sometimes because that person can't stand to be alone with him/herself).

Being alone allows/forces a person to look into a mirror, to reflect on how life is experienced, and to take responsibility for one's choices, which I think is important for any relationship one enters into.

A person might be trying to avoid that confrontation with self, or he/she might not be aware that he/she is trying to avoid it.

For me, it was important to be alone for quite some time, and when I encounter people who can not be alone, I have a clue about what is going on. I will not help them with avoiding that loneliness, especially not when I have the gut feeling that they seek my company to do just that. As that leads to a connection in which they want something that I am not willing to give, because it benefits no one in the long run, this will put strain on the connection, and often that is where it ends. In my opinion, facing oneself is something that has to happen at one point or another. It does not help to keep putting it off.

I am not sure that this is applicable to what you describe, but that was my reaction when I read your post.

Edit: Change is indeed possible, yet then the person takes responsibility for the past. Then the reason for seeking contact with me would be different, and I will notice the change. However, if they come back and there has been no change, they will often disappear again as soon as they think someone else is better at giving them what they think they need.

< Message edited by happylittlepet -- 2/4/2011 7:57:55 AM >

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RE: Second Chances - Do you believe in/give them? - 2/4/2011 8:10:23 AM

CreativeDominant

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quote:

ORIGINAL: happylittlepet

quote:

ORIGINAL: WinsomeDefiance
I'm not sure, honestly, if I could stand firm on that line of 'just friends.' He talks about being lonely, and every instinct in me wants to fix that so he isn't lonely. When it comes to standing firm, I think I'd be too easily drawn back in.

Sometimes a person will try to avoid feeling lonely at all cost (sometimes because that person can't stand to be alone with him/herself).

Being alone allows/forces a person to look into a mirror, to reflect on how life is experienced, and to take responsibility for one's choices, which I think is important for any relationship one enters into.

A person might be trying to avoid that confrontation with self, or he/she might not be aware that he/she is trying to avoid it.

For me, it was important to be alone for quite some time, and when I encounter people who can not be alone, I have a clue about what is going on. I will not help them with avoiding that loneliness, especially not when I have the gut feeling that they seek my company to do just that. As that leads to a connection in which they want something that I am not willing to give, because it benefits no one in the long run, this will put strain on the connection, and often that is where it ends. In my opinion, facing oneself is something that has to happen at one point or another. It does not help to keep putting it off.
I am not sure that this is applicable to what you describe, but that was my reaction when I read your post.

Edit: Change is indeed possible, yet then the person takes responsibility for the past. Then the reason for seeking contact with me would be different, and I will notice the change. However, if they come back and there has been no change, they will often disappear again as soon as they think someone else is better at giving them what they think they need.

The part I have bolded above resonates. I know several folks who do not LIKE being alone for just that reason. They explain it all away..."oh, my past relationship didn't really mean that much" (really? why were you with him/her for 18, 24, 28 mos???), I am a very social creature" (really? Why is it then that much of your socializing occurs RIGHT AFTER a break-up?)...but like you, I suspect the main reason is as stated...they do not like having to think about what they may have done wrong and time alone, unless you are a complete narcissist, sooner or later becomes confronting yourself ABOUT yourself.

< Message edited by CreativeDominant -- 2/4/2011 8:14:06 AM >

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RE: Second Chances - Do you believe in/give them? - 2/4/2011 8:16:43 AM

sexyred1

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quote:

ORIGINAL: WinsomeDefiance

quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

No second chances. If something was going to work, it would have barring very unusual circumstances.

Take it from me, I have given my ex a million second chances and we cannot seem to totally separate. It causes me no end of pain, but I cannot seem to stop seeing him.

Don't do it, Win, believe me.

Generally speaking, when I process my emotions and make a decision to end it, I usually never look back. I'm just that compartmentalized. It saddens me to think of you sabotaging your self-confidence and happiness being unable to make a clean break from your ex!

Take it from this great sexy redhead I know, don't do that to yourself! I'll stand strong, you do the same!

It is really funny...I never let anyone treat me badly, I have been able to end things with everyone I needed to in my life and I feel confident pretty much 99% of the time.

This is the ONLY thing I have not been able to get over; so I am thinking it is just going to take more time and/or I will have to kill him so he stops contacting me. :)

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RE: Second Chances - Do you believe in/give them? - 2/4/2011 11:28:17 AM

MsWorthy

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No, I wouldn't give it a second chance. I've tried it before and it never works out.

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