RE: Compatability is key... (Full Version)

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SexyBossyBBW -> RE: Compatability is key... (2/8/2011 8:31:06 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Choosingtochoose
I see a lot of Doms and subs on here preaching about how D/s should be pursued this way or that way like it's some kind of very specific predetermined Jedi religion or something. I just wanted to make a general post for all new subs in particular who are venturing into this world. There is no WAY of D/s. There's only what works for you and your respective partners. A lot of people seem to forget that for a D/s relationship to work it's just like any other relationship. You have to be compatible. You have to find someone with whom you have similar interests - someone in whom you can trust and for whom you can have respect.

So, if you're brand new, and someone starts out trying to "break" you (or whatever other nonsensical term a lot of doms try to use) and it doesn't feel like what you want. Guess what? It's probably NOT a good fit for you. And when they try to shame you and belittle you by saying, "this is THE WAY it's done." If it doesn't feel like the WAY it should be done with you then it's not right for you.
Standing Ovation to this part of post! [sm=applause.gif]

quote:

Your formative experiences in D/s are going to really shape how you pursue all this so if you start out with abusive jerks who only know how to crush the existence of meek little doormats you're going to become one of those meek little doormats and miss out on a lot of what is really exciting and fullfilling about your journey...
There is nothing wrong with the right mix of controlling decent human being and meek doormat types.    If he/she is comfortable/happy to relinquish control, and the other is a happy dominant possessing of integrity and humanity, there is no reason, the experience cannot be a positive one in the end.    It takes a great deal of strength, and integrity to be a good doormat IMO.    M



leadership527 -> RE: Compatability is key... (2/8/2011 8:43:12 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Choosingtochoose
I see a lot of Doms and subs on here preaching about how D/s should be pursued this way or that way like it's some kind of very specific predetermined Jedi religion or something. I just wanted to make a general post for all new subs in particular who are venturing into this world. There is no WAY of D/s. There's only what works for you and your respective partners. A lot of people seem to forget that for a D/s relationship to work it's just like any other relationship. You have to be compatible. You have to find someone with whom you have similar interests - someone in whom you can trust and for whom you can have respect.

OK, WHO exactly forgets this? And for the record, out of those with any credible experience, my observation is that it's the subs that seem to get the one true way thingie lodged in their heads. Us doms don't follow rules well enough to swallow that crap. I personally feel you'd be a lot better off writing some piece to protect the newbie doms from the experienced subs but hey, that's just me.

So rather than pick apart the rest of this piece line by line, the larger question in my mind is... what date is it? Sheez, it seems like there's been a ton of soapbox speeches made by new profiles in the last few days.



lally2 -> RE: Compatability is key... (2/8/2011 9:09:22 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: WinsomeDefiance

Adults probably shouldn't need to be told that chemistry and compatability are really what's important, but in all honesty there's a lot of people who seem as if they could benefit from a refresher course. Hell, sometimes I need to remind myself of that. It is sometiems entirely too easy to want something badly enough you are willing to overlook a bunch of glaring incompatabilities to get it.

There's also nothing wrong with someone sharing what works for them, or throwing out a few crumbs of experience in the hopes that they might be useful to someone else struggling with relationship issues.

Man, we are a tough group sometimes!


quoted for truth - it is the truth, like it or not, perfectly well adjusted people come here full of fizzy pop needs and forget all about being sensible.



kalikshama -> RE: Compatability is key... (2/8/2011 9:12:47 AM)

quote:

Thanks. It's not that they want to be squished. It's that they may have self-esteem issues (since a HUGE number of the profiles I see on here are from submissives that have a history of body-consciousness issues, or mental, physical or sexual abuse issues - clearly something leads submissives to this in most cases) and when that is exploited because a dom is too afraid to empower their submissive by treating them well then it continues that cycle of degradation and abuse.


In my case, the mistakes I made when I returned to the dating pool and had sub frenzy were due to lust overruling my common sense rather than low self esteem.

When a potential Dom said to me "that's not very submissive" when I (politely) called him on his BS, recalling all the "tw00 submissive" eyerolling I'd seen here helped me stand firm. I think it is important for new subs to hear the message "you may be submissive, but you're not his submissive yet."

I find all the repetition of "don't make someone a priority if he treats you like an option" useful as well.

Some of you opposed to White Knight Manifestos have been providing me with, well, I was going to say White Knight Nuggets, but more accurately but less apropos, Common Sense Stuff I Needed to Hear. Thanks!

I felt really bad after making a mistake in August, but think that minor burn prevented third degree burns. In the end, people need to learn for themselves but also can learn from other's experiences.




Prinsexx -> RE: Compatability is key... (2/8/2011 9:24:39 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Choosingtochoose

I see a lot of Doms and subs on here preaching about how D/s should be pursued this way or that way like it's some kind of very specific predetermined Jedi religion or something. I just wanted to make a general post for all new subs in particular who are venturing into this world. There is no WAY of D/s. There's only what works for you and your respective partners. A lot of people seem to forget that for a D/s relationship to work it's just like any other relationship. You have to be compatible. You have to find someone with whom you have similar interests - someone in whom you can trust and for whom you can have respect.

So, if you're brand new, and someone starts out trying to "break" you (or whatever other nonsensical term a lot of doms try to use) and it doesn't feel like what you want. Guess what? It's probably NOT a good fit for you. And when they try to shame you and belittle you by saying, "this is THE WAY it's done." If it doesn't feel like the WAY it should be done with you then it's not right for you.

Your formative experiences in D/s are going to really shape how you pursue all this so if you start out with abusive jerks who only know how to crush the existence of meek little doormats you're going to become one of those meek little doormats and miss out on a lot of what is really exciting and fullfilling about your journey...

Welcome...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w2klJgOidqc
I second that emotion
Prin



IrishMist -> RE: Compatability is key... (2/8/2011 9:34:44 AM)

quote:

But they're firmly in the safe, sane and consensual crowd. I'm talking about the myriad others on here that aren't.

I am not part of the 'safe, sane, and consensual crowd'.
Neither am I an abuse victim.
Neither do I have esteem issues.

I am just a pretty normal person who happens to have some very particular kinks.

You make it seem as if to be 'well adjusted' by your standards, you have to be part of a particular 'crowd'. I find that quite offensive on many counts.




osf -> RE: Compatability is key... (2/8/2011 9:44:22 AM)

I've often wondered what a woman that over thinks this does when she meets someone that has a slightly different philosophy

does she change her thinking to accommodate his, try to change his or not think about it?




Choosingtochoose -> RE: Compatability is key... (2/8/2011 9:46:08 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

quote:

ORIGINAL: frazzle

Not sure where you're finding all these subs with esteem issues.

Nearly every sub i know has no problem with self esteem, and neither are they abuse victims.

Most are adults who've lived life, not 18 year olds looking for a first date.

This just reads to me, like "white knight" is going to gallop up and rescue us from ourselves.


Thanks. You just saved me some keystrokes. I think we should start a section of the forum called Warnings from White Knights. That way, there would be a clearinghouse for these types of threads and all the subs with low self esteem could have a support group there.

In my experience, adults do not need to be told that you need both compatibility and chemistry. Most adults learn from their mistakes and are able to discern these things without some guy preaching.


Do you ever read the profiles on this site? You should to get an idea of what's out there. I know you probably have your whole coterie of "lifestyle" friends that are all perfectly well-adjusted and led idyllic lives growing up within the quintessential American dream family but take a minute to check out some of the dreck that's on CM.

The whole White Knight thing (new to me so thanks for that) seems a bit silly when all I did was express a point of view that all the so-called "lifestylers" out there who think their version of dungeons and dragons in assless chaps or whatever is REAL D/s and everything else isn't are as full of it as any other dogmatic crapola (like white knights perhaps.)

Don't get caught up in the hype. D/s is no more special or unique than any other life choice.



Sundowner -> RE: Compatability is key... (2/8/2011 9:49:28 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: osf


quote:

ORIGINAL: alhamdullilah

P.S. to OSF.... (You can find me in Tucson as that pretty much describes me perfectly!! :)

-lillah



I'll come see you, leave a back window unlocked


No osf. 

Please go to the front door and use the doormat like a good person.






osf -> RE: Compatability is key... (2/8/2011 9:50:43 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Choosingtochoose


quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

quote:

ORIGINAL: frazzle

Not sure where you're finding all these subs with esteem issues.

Nearly every sub i know has no problem with self esteem, and neither are they abuse victims.

Most are adults who've lived life, not 18 year olds looking for a first date.

This just reads to me, like "white knight" is going to gallop up and rescue us from ourselves.


Thanks. You just saved me some keystrokes. I think we should start a section of the forum called Warnings from White Knights. That way, there would be a clearinghouse for these types of threads and all the subs with low self esteem could have a support group there.

In my experience, adults do not need to be told that you need both compatibility and chemistry. Most adults learn from their mistakes and are able to discern these things without some guy preaching.


Do you ever read the profiles on this site? You should to get an idea of what's out there. I know you probably have your whole coterie of "lifestyle" friends that are all perfectly well-adjusted and led idyllic lives growing up within the quintessential American dream family but take a minute to check out some of the dreck that's on CM.

The whole White Knight thing (new to me so thanks for that) seems a bit silly when all I did was express a point of view that all the so-called "lifestylers" out there who think their version of dungeons and dragons in assless chaps or whatever is REAL D/s and everything else isn't are as full of it as any other dogmatic crapola (like white knights perhaps.)

Don't get caught up in the hype. D/s is no more special or unique than any other life choice.


hear hear



Choosingtochoose -> RE: Compatability is key... (2/8/2011 9:54:06 AM)


[/quote]
I am not part of the 'safe, sane, and consensual crowd'.
Neither am I an abuse victim.
Neither do I have esteem issues.

I am just a pretty normal person who happens to have some very particular kinks.

You make it seem as if to be 'well adjusted' by your standards, you have to be part of a particular 'crowd'. I find that quite offensive on many counts.
[/quote]

No offense meant. What I meant by being part of that crowd is that you're relatively sane and that what you engage in is consensual or least consensual nonconsent. If you're saying you're not sane, or that you're not safe or you don't do anything consensually then that's a whole other thing isn't it? I didn't mean that you're somehow part of a group or clique or community.



IrishMist -> RE: Compatability is key... (2/8/2011 10:02:24 AM)

You know, I have read quite a few profiles on this site since the time that I joined, and to tell the truth, I have yet to find one that says 'I am a victim of abuse, because of that, I am not able to make a rational choice in regards to my future relationships, therefore, I request that someone tell me how it should be done'.

And yet you claim to have seen profiles that in essence, are stating just this.

I REALLY would like to read the same profiles that you are.



LadyPact -> RE: Compatability is key... (2/8/2011 10:05:07 AM)

It's not that I disagree with your original.  What part of the problem might be is that most folks who are adults don't need to be told this.  You wouldn't have put such a thing up on a vanilla meeting site, so it's really not necessary to put it up here.

Yes, compatibility is very important and when kink and power dynamics are included, you have extra things to consider if you are looking for a long term match.  Some areas are more important than others depending on the individuals involved.  Where kink is concerned, you start with the ends of the spectrum first (bad match when someone "lives for" an activity and it's on the other person's "hard limit" list) and work your way in.  Same thing with protocol, amount of authority, being in or out, poly or monogamy, and a lot of other areas.

Seriously, I feel that most folks with lifestyle experience know this and don't need to be told these matters as though they were twelve.  All I'm asking is that you remember that folks on these forums come from a wide range of experience and most of us don't wish to be addressed as though we just fell off of the turnip truck.



Choosingtochoose -> RE: Compatability is key... (2/8/2011 10:59:11 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact


Seriously, I feel that most folks with lifestyle experience know this and don't need to be told these matters as though they were twelve.  All I'm asking is that you remember that folks on these forums come from a wide range of experience and most of us don't wish to be addressed as though we just fell off of the turnip truck.



And yet there are people on this thread who have said in their own experiences they've forgotten this simple thing. When someone comes into this and the first people they meet say "don't question anything. That's not what a sub does." And that's all they hear, they think "Oh that's the way it is." It's not like people coming into D/s have a basis for comparison. It's just like any other cult (to pick a word) where what you learn is what you grow to believe. A lot of subs think that even questioning what a dom says is wrong. My post is to them. If you're aware then good for you. But trust me, there are plenty of subs who aren't.



DomNI -> RE: Compatability is key... (2/8/2011 11:08:53 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

It's not that I disagree with your original.  What part of the problem might be is that most folks who are adults don't need to be told this.  You wouldn't have put such a thing up on a vanilla meeting site, so it's really not necessary to put it up here.



People in the vanilla world are especially stupid and these kinds of threads would serve them well, imo.

quote:


Seriously, I feel that most folks with lifestyle experience know this and don't need to be told these matters as though they were twelve.  All I'm asking is that you remember that folks on these forums come from a wide range of experience and most of us don't wish to be addressed as though we just fell off of the turnip truck.



Not everyone has lifestyle experience. If you do, then more power to ya.



Choosingtochoose -> RE: Compatability is key... (2/8/2011 11:11:40 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

You know, I have read quite a few profiles on this site since the time that I joined, and to tell the truth, I have yet to find one that says 'I am a victim of abuse, because of that, I am not able to make a rational choice in regards to my future relationships, therefore, I request that someone tell me how it should be done'.

And yet you claim to have seen profiles that in essence, are stating just this.

I REALLY would like to read the same profiles that you are.


Here's a perfect example from a submissive's profile on CM who has body-consciousness issues - "I am an overweight submissive. I don't consider myself BBW, that would mean i'm proud of my body which I am not."

Now you tell me that doesn't affect someone's outlook when a dominant begins to order them about.

As for the abuse issue most certainly don't admit it on their profile but in having been on here for a couple years now the stories I've heard from submissives with whom I've talked who have experienced being raped, incest, molestation, on and on while growing up is absolutely STUNNING.

So much so it makes my stomach turn.

Ask around. You'll find some of your own if you take the time to listen.



LadyPact -> RE: Compatability is key... (2/8/2011 11:27:37 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Choosingtochoose
And yet there are people on this thread who have said in their own experiences they've forgotten this simple thing. When someone comes into this and the first people they meet say "don't question anything. That's not what a sub does." And that's all they hear, they think "Oh that's the way it is." It's not like people coming into D/s have a basis for comparison. It's just like any other cult (to pick a word) where what you learn is what you grow to believe. A lot of subs think that even questioning what a dom says is wrong. My post is to them. If you're aware then good for you. But trust me, there are plenty of subs who aren't.

The thing is, yes, they do.  There isn't a single non fiction book on My shelf that has the included opinion of "Don't ask questions" included in it's pages.  Many BDSM groups have sigs specifically geared to submissives and those new to the lifestyle that teach the complete opposite to the above.

Now, when was the last time that you experienced what you are saying happens at your local munch group?  If you did overhear this in person, that's where you should have had your involvement.  Not here where you're dealing with folks that run the spectrum of experience.



LadyPact -> RE: Compatability is key... (2/8/2011 11:30:29 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DomNI
People in the vanilla world are especially stupid and these kinds of threads would serve them well, imo.

Personally, I think that is a generalization that many vanilla folks don't deserve.  Oddly enough, I think E-Harmony in particular has specifically addressed compatibility far better than any other match making site.

quote:

Not everyone has lifestyle experience. If you do, then more power to ya.

Not everybody who doesn't is ignorant, either.



Aileen1968 -> RE: Compatability is key... (2/8/2011 11:37:49 AM)

Yay! Another Knight in shining armor here to save all of the poor helpless women from themselves.
I gotta tell ya...men who write and believe all of this crap are the biggest red flags to me.
It says to me that the only women they can get are women that make poor choices.

I can't believe I wasted time on my lunch break to read another thread just like the poor newbie woman thread.



osf -> RE: Compatability is key... (2/8/2011 11:45:45 AM)

I'm available to any woman wanting to make a poor choice



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