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Compatability is key... - 2/8/2011 6:27:38 AM

Choosingtochoose

Posts: 17
Joined: 5/9/2009
Status: offline

I see a lot of Doms and subs on here preaching about how D/s should be pursued this way or that way like it's some kind of very specific predetermined Jedi religion or something. I just wanted to make a general post for all new subs in particular who are venturing into this world. There is no WAY of D/s. There's only what works for you and your respective partners. A lot of people seem to forget that for a D/s relationship to work it's just like any other relationship. You have to be compatible. You have to find someone with whom you have similar interests - someone in whom you can trust and for whom you can have respect.

So, if you're brand new, and someone starts out trying to "break" you (or whatever other nonsensical term a lot of doms try to use) and it doesn't feel like what you want. Guess what? It's probably NOT a good fit for you. And when they try to shame you and belittle you by saying, "this is THE WAY it's done." If it doesn't feel like the WAY it should be done with you then it's not right for you.

Your formative experiences in D/s are going to really shape how you pursue all this so if you start out with abusive jerks who only know how to crush the existence of meek little doormats you're going to become one of those meek little doormats and miss out on a lot of what is really exciting and fullfilling about your journey...

Post #: 1

RE: Compatability is key... - 2/8/2011 6:28:58 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

Welcome to collarme.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Choosingtochoose)

Post #: 2

RE: Compatability is key... - 2/8/2011 6:29:28 AM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

what Steven said!

*runs to get some cookies for Steven*

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 3

RE: Compatability is key... - 2/8/2011 6:52:00 AM

lally2

Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Choosingtochoose
Your formative experiences in D/s are going to really shape how you pursue all this so if you start out with abusive jerks who only know how to crush the existence of meek little doormats you're going to become one of those meek little doormats and miss out on a lot of what is really exciting and fullfilling about your journey...

first of all

i wouldnt necessarily agree with the blue bit though - just for the sake of discussion

a number of people do access this, overly keen to submit to the wrong people (for them) and invariably get burnt. but ive seen common sense prevail far more often than not and those people emerge from being squished and grow into someone stronger and firmer on their path as a result.

in fact, i would say that im one of them up to a point. i never let anyone squish me and i never will.

the learning curve here can be steep and a rocky climb for some, but ive seen little evidence of people being squished into doormats. it can happen and im not saying it doesnt, but often those who are being squished want to be squished, those that dont tend to move on.

the term 'doormat' is an odd one here. in a way it has more of a place in vanilla land to be honest. here some people do in fact identifywith being a doormat and dont see anything wrong with it.

.... but great post.

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to Choosingtochoose)

Post #: 4

RE: Compatability is key... - 2/8/2011 7:13:11 AM

Choosingtochoose

Posts: 17
Joined: 5/9/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lally2
the learning curve here can be steep and a rocky climb for some, but ive seen little evidence of people being squished into doormats. it can happen and im not saying it doesnt, but often those who are being squished want to be squished, those that dont tend to move on.

the term 'doormat' is an odd one here. in a way it has more of a place in vanilla land to be honest. here some people do in fact identifywith being a doormat and dont see anything wrong with it.

.... but great post.

Thanks. It's not that they want to be squished. It's that they may have self-esteem issues (since a HUGE number of the profiles I see on here are from submissives that have a history of body-consciousness issues, or mental, physical or sexual abuse issues - clearly something leads submissives to this in most cases) and when that is exploited because a dom is too afraid to empower their submissive by treating them well then it continues that cycle of degradation and abuse.

Obviously, some do rise up and have a few bad experiences and move on but there are a great number who just believe that "that's the way it is with D/s" and that's just b.s. (not D/s) lol

Anyway, I'm glad you're living proof that while the curve may be steep it is one that can be negotiated even with a few bumps in the road!

(in reply to lally2)

Post #: 5

RE: Compatability is key... - 2/8/2011 7:26:39 AM

Aynne88

Posts: 3873
Joined: 8/29/2008
Status: offline

I don't want to welcome you less than graciously, but.....there isn't always something that leads us here in the way which you are inferring. I was 17 and my first real boyfriend was older and liked to spank me. That's it. It was like a kinky lightbulb exploded over my head. Prior to that I had a childhood like the Brady Bunch. Seriously. So, that theory that we all have abuse of some sort or the other is just wrong. Some of us are just kinky bitches because it's hot.

Other than that, welcome.

_____________________________

As long as people will shed the blood of innocent creatures there can be no peace, no liberty, no harmony between people. Slaughter and justice cannot dwell together.
—Isaac Bashevis Singer, writer and Nobel laureate (1902–1991)

(in reply to Choosingtochoose)

Post #: 6

RE: Compatability is key... - 2/8/2011 7:27:37 AM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

*adores Aynne*

ya beat me to it :) (pun unintended)

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to Aynne88)

Post #: 7

RE: Compatability is key... - 2/8/2011 7:28:59 AM

Aynne88

Posts: 3873
Joined: 8/29/2008
Status: offline

*Adores you back with lust you hottie*

.

It's snowing here again. I am coming to see you soon! You can visit me in July though!

_____________________________

As long as people will shed the blood of innocent creatures there can be no peace, no liberty, no harmony between people. Slaughter and justice cannot dwell together.
—Isaac Bashevis Singer, writer and Nobel laureate (1902–1991)

(in reply to GreedyTop)

Post #: 8

RE: Compatability is key... - 2/8/2011 7:29:16 AM

frazzle

Posts: 1212
Joined: 6/20/2009
Status: offline

Not sure where you're finding all these subs with esteem issues.

Nearly every sub i know has no problem with self esteem, and neither are they abuse victims.

Most are adults who've lived life, not 18 year olds looking for a first date.

This just reads to me, like "white knight" is going to gallop up and rescue us from ourselves.

(in reply to Choosingtochoose)

Post #: 9

RE: Compatability is key... - 2/8/2011 7:34:20 AM

Choosingtochoose

Posts: 17
Joined: 5/9/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aynne88

I don't want to welcome you less than graciously, but.....there isn't always something that leads us here in the way which you are inferring. I was 17 and my first real boyfriend was older and liked to spank me. That's it. It was like a kinky lightbulb exploded over my head. Prior to that I had a childhood like the Brady Bunch. Seriously. So, that theory that we all have abuse of some sort or the other is just wrong. Some of us are just kinky bitches because it's hot.

Other than that, welcome.

Not saying there aren't subs like that everywhere. More power to them! They're also not the ones that will find themselves in a bad situation in all likelihood.

(in reply to Aynne88)

Post #: 10

RE: Compatability is key... - 2/8/2011 7:35:17 AM

osf

Posts: 3288
Joined: 10/19/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Choosingtochoose

I see a lot of Doms and subs on here preaching about how D/s should be pursued this way or that way like it's some kind of very specific predetermined Jedi religion or something. I just wanted to make a general post for all new subs in particular who are venturing into this world. There is no WAY of D/s. There's only what works for you and your respective partners. A lot of people seem to forget that for a D/s relationship to work it's just like any other relationship. You have to be compatible. You have to find someone with whom you have similar interests - someone in whom you can trust and for whom you can have respect.

So, if you're brand new, and someone starts out trying to "break" you (or whatever other nonsensical term a lot of doms try to use) and it doesn't feel like what you want. Guess what? It's probably NOT a good fit for you. And when they try to shame you and belittle you by saying, "this is THE WAY it's done." If it doesn't feel like the WAY it should be done with you then it's not right for you.

Your formative experiences in D/s are going to really shape how you pursue all this so if you start out with abusive jerks who only know how to crush the existence of meek little doormats you're going to become one of those meek little doormats and miss out on a lot of what is really exciting and fullfilling about your journey...

what's a doormat and aren't they entitled to doms too?

_____________________________

all around nice guy and creative misogynist

i'm not very skilled so i just hit harder

i want a woman to make into the woman she never wanted to become

(in reply to Choosingtochoose)

Post #: 11

RE: Compatability is key... - 2/8/2011 7:36:29 AM

osf

Posts: 3288
Joined: 10/19/2009
Status: offline

new rule

for the next 48 hours the word doormat is banned

_____________________________

all around nice guy and creative misogynist

i'm not very skilled so i just hit harder

i want a woman to make into the woman she never wanted to become

(in reply to osf)

Post #: 12

RE: Compatability is key... - 2/8/2011 7:36:59 AM

Choosingtochoose

Posts: 17
Joined: 5/9/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: frazzle

Not sure where you're finding all these subs with esteem issues.

Nearly every sub i know has no problem with self esteem, and neither are they abuse victims.

I would suggest taking a look at more sub profiles. ;) A lot of the subs I know are well-adjusted individuals too. But they're firmly in the safe, sane and consensual crowd. I'm talking about the myriad others on here that aren't.

(in reply to frazzle)

Post #: 13

RE: Compatability is key... - 2/8/2011 7:39:23 AM

osf

Posts: 3288
Joined: 10/19/2009
Status: offline

where do i get one of them subbies with self esteem issues and a death wish?

_____________________________

all around nice guy and creative misogynist

i'm not very skilled so i just hit harder

i want a woman to make into the woman she never wanted to become

(in reply to Choosingtochoose)

Post #: 14

RE: Compatability is key... - 2/8/2011 8:03:47 AM

alhamdullilah

Posts: 81
Joined: 2/18/2010
Status: offline

I just wanted to share that a friend of mine came by and we strangely found ourselves discussing this very issue within moments of his arrival! I mean, I literally went to the door, Mat standing there, and we started in on this topic. I'm not certain but I think it had something to do with the door Mat was standing in front of. His conversation essentially began with a challenge addressing my own level of submissiveness. This, entirely because there's an entrance sign that states, "No door... [you know what's] allowed!"

(((Forgot that word is banned... my bad?!!))) *humble wink*

Happy Tuesday, all!!

-lillah

(in reply to osf)

Post #: 15

RE: Compatability is key... - 2/8/2011 8:07:41 AM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

*blink*

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to alhamdullilah)

Post #: 16

RE: Compatability is key... - 2/8/2011 8:08:51 AM

alhamdullilah

Posts: 81
Joined: 2/18/2010
Status: offline

P.S. to OSF.... (You can find me in Tucson as that pretty much describes me perfectly!! :)

-lillah

(in reply to alhamdullilah)

Post #: 17

RE: Compatability is key... - 2/8/2011 8:10:15 AM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: frazzle

Not sure where you're finding all these subs with esteem issues.

Nearly every sub i know has no problem with self esteem, and neither are they abuse victims.

Most are adults who've lived life, not 18 year olds looking for a first date.

This just reads to me, like "white knight" is going to gallop up and rescue us from ourselves.

Thanks. You just saved me some keystrokes. I think we should start a section of the forum called Warnings from White Knights. That way, there would be a clearinghouse for these types of threads and all the subs with low self esteem could have a support group there.

In my experience, adults do not need to be told that you need both compatibility and chemistry. Most adults learn from their mistakes and are able to discern these things without some guy preaching.

(in reply to frazzle)

Post #: 18

RE: Compatability is key... - 2/8/2011 8:21:39 AM

osf

Posts: 3288
Joined: 10/19/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: alhamdullilah

P.S. to OSF.... (You can find me in Tucson as that pretty much describes me perfectly!! :)

-lillah

I'll come see you, leave a back window unlocked

_____________________________

all around nice guy and creative misogynist

i'm not very skilled so i just hit harder

i want a woman to make into the woman she never wanted to become

(in reply to alhamdullilah)

Post #: 19

RE: Compatability is key... - 2/8/2011 8:30:42 AM

WinsomeDefiance

Posts: 6719
Joined: 8/7/2007
Status: offline

Adults probably shouldn't need to be told that chemistry and compatability are really what's important, but in all honesty there's a lot of people who seem as if they could benefit from a refresher course. Hell, sometimes I need to remind myself of that. It is sometiems entirely too easy to want something badly enough you are willing to overlook a bunch of glaring incompatabilities to get it.

There's also nothing wrong with someone sharing what works for them, or throwing out a few crumbs of experience in the hopes that they might be useful to someone else struggling with relationship issues.

Man, we are a tough group sometimes!

(in reply to osf)

Post #: 20

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