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Approaching vs Being Approached - 2/11/2011 7:46:25 PM   
Palliata


Posts: 371
Joined: 8/9/2010
Status: offline 		This is an issue I've been thinking about for a while, and this thread reminded me of it again. Am I the only dom who hates being the one to approach subs? It isn't so much that I'm nervous or afraid of rejection, I just don't like putting a submissive in the position of accepting or denying my attentions at the moment of introduction. It creates a power dynamic which later has to be overcome. My vanilla friends that know about my propensities are especially baffled that I'm not more (in their words) "predatory" with women. Do other doms think the way I do, or am I unique?

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RE: Approaching vs Being Approached - 2/11/2011 7:55:49 PM   
Palliata


Posts: 371
Joined: 8/9/2010
Status: offline 		Arg this was supposed to be in Ask a Master can someone move it please?

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RE: Approaching vs Being Approached - 2/11/2011 8:14:20 PM   
FukinTroll


Posts: 6277
Joined: 2/6/2007
From: Under a bridge
Status: offline 		Palliata, again I will point the glaring finger at my latest journal entry. The girls here are inundated with mail and spend more time wading through the chest thumping imbeciles than looking for a good match. It's the whole "yur new, on ur Neez bithc I iz uR domin8" crap they have to contend with and get a bit confused on the protocol.
YMMV
SLURP! 

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RE: Approaching vs Being Approached - 2/11/2011 9:07:09 PM   
preytolife


Posts: 138
Joined: 11/29/2010
From: LaLa Land
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Palliata
I just don't like putting a submissive in the position of accepting or denying my attentions at the moment of introduction.


I've heard that sentiment before. I *still* think it's incredibly stupid to associate any action as inherently Dominant or submissive. Everyone gets rejected sometimes. Even Doms. Your D/s identity doesn't mean you skip the yucky bits of human interaction. I don't think there's anything wrong with subs [or Doms] initiating contact. I simply don't have enough interest in most people to want to.


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RE: Approaching vs Being Approached - 2/11/2011 9:18:49 PM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Palliata

Am I the only dom who hates being the one to approach subs?



Not me. I love the thrill of the hunt.


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RE: Approaching vs Being Approached - 2/11/2011 9:33:16 PM   
wandersalone


Posts: 4666
Joined: 11/21/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Palliata

I just don't like putting a submissive in the position of accepting or denying my attentions at the moment of introduction. It creates a power dynamic which later has to be overcome.


Personally I disagree totally with what you wrote above (looking at it from a submissives perspective).   If you have found from past experience that a power dynamic has been created that has to be overcome later with submissives you have approached I would actually question whether there was any D/s connection with them rather than say this was a result of you having approached them.  Maybe they just didn't feel that they could submit to you.

I have been approached and I have approached many dominants and the times where I did not feel submissive to them was not related to who approached whom but on them being a mismatch.


quote:

ORIGINAL: Palliata
Do other doms think the way I do, or am I unique?


If you read the profiles of dominant's on here, a lot of them say they will not approach the s type and more often than not for similar reasons than you have indicated, so no, you are not unique in that respect.  If I see that on a profile I actually pass it by as I am not interested in someone who has such a rigid belief.

< Message edited by wandersalone -- 2/11/2011 9:39:44 PM >

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RE: Approaching vs Being Approached - 2/11/2011 9:57:52 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Palliata

This is an issue I've been thinking about for a while, and this thread reminded me of it again. Am I the only dom who hates being the one to approach subs? It isn't so much that I'm nervous or afraid of rejection, I just don't like putting a submissive in the position of accepting or denying my attentions at the moment of introduction. It creates a power dynamic which later has to be overcome. My vanilla friends that know about my propensities are especially baffled that I'm not more (in their words) "predatory" with women. Do other doms think the way I do, or am I unique?


1. Your fear of rejection has nothing to do with being a Dom or not.
2. Contacting a submissive does not put them in any tough position nor does it create any sort of power dynamic whatsoever; that is again, your insecurity or desire for one talking.
3. Your vanilla friends are clueless if they think predatory has anything to do with making intial contact.
4. Some men whether Dom or not are predatory, aggressive, assertive and unafraid to approach anyone.
5. Some men wheether Dom or not are more laid back, and selectively approach people in more passive manner; it has nothing to do with their Dominant prowess
6. Most women, including myself, don't really approach people other than to make a comment about something on the boards. We get alot of emails and respond to the ones we want to respond to.
7. If a Dom who approaches has any expectation of InstaPowerDynamic, he is immediately informed otherwise.

< Message edited by sexyred1 -- 2/11/2011 9:58:42 PM >

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RE: Approaching vs Being Approached - 2/11/2011 10:54:27 PM   
tazzygirl


Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline
quote:

6. Most women, including myself, don't really approach people other than to make a comment about something on the boards. We get alot of emails and respond to the ones we want to respond to.


Agree completely with this. I used to approach alot of men... and got tired of being played and toyed with while they wait for just the "right girl" to come along and snag their interest.

If a man isnt interested, he wont approach, is my feeling. I would rather be alone than to deal with the gamers ever again. (Thankfully, I dont have to worry about being alone).

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RE: Approaching vs Being Approached - 2/12/2011 6:05:48 AM   
LillyBoPeep


Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline 		i don't know why being predatory is associated with making initial contacts. that's weird... and i dont think approaching someone sets up a power dynamic that has to be overcome later.
many women like to make friends, too -- and just because they might reject you for a relationship, doesn't mean they'd reject your friendship.
if you're talking about the online world, most women don't have to initiate contact with anyone, so they won't. you could be waiting a long time to hear from someone you like -- you may NEVER hear from someone you like.
and in the offline world, if you want subs to come to you, you have to portray yourself in a certain way to get their attention. people get so obsessed with this "perception" of power dynamics and that's part of the problem -- people approach you as ROLE first, person second, whereas for a lot of women, the role and person are very interconnected. you can't expect someone to follow some self-imposed protocol if they 1) don't know about it and 2) don't agree with it, and 3) see no point in it.

it's more like you're afraid of rejection (which you admit) than anything else. no action is automatically Dominant or automatically submissive. that kind of thinking sets you up for failure at the get-go.

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RE: Approaching vs Being Approached - 2/12/2011 6:32:23 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		OP, I'm going to give you a little advice.  In My opinion, you may do better if you stop thinking of this in terms of Dominant and submissive and instead started thinking about it in the terms of men and women. 

If you are going to look at this place in terms of a dating site (some people do, I don't, but that's another subject) it's in your best interest to realize two things.  One is that all dating sites have a higher population of men than women.  The second is that there have always been more men interested in kink than women.  Combine the two together and you have an obvious number game that favors women regardless of their D/s orientation.  As much as males (both Dom and submissive) would prefer that women made first contacts, the truth is that many don't because they don't have to.  It has nothing to do with role.  (By the way, the folks above Me are right that you're being silly thinking there is some kind of power structure there just because one role rather than the other sent that first email.)  If the bit about role had that much to do with it, I and the majority of Dominant women here wouldn't be having to go through the amount of mail that we do.

There is a difference between being predatory and being proactive.  The latter is something that males on either side of the kneel need to be in their own best interests.


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RE: Approaching vs Being Approached - 2/12/2011 6:52:11 AM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

One is that all dating sites have a higher population of men than women.  The second is that there have always been more men interested in kink than women.  Combine the two together and you have an obvious number game that favors women regardless of their D/s orientation.  As much as males (both Dom and submissive) would prefer that women made first contacts, the truth is that many don't because they don't have to.  It has nothing to do with role.


Greetings,

LadyPact articulated my sentiments quite well on this subject. I don't approach men and don't believe it's necessary to do so. My stance hasn't diminished my opportunities in the least. It is my belief that a man will make his presence known if he has a compelling reason to do so. And sometimes non-action is the best approach. With so many willing to pounce at the slightest nod the alternative is becoming a delicacy.

Namaste,

~porcelaine


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RE: Approaching vs Being Approached - 2/12/2011 8:54:23 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Palliata

This is an issue I've been thinking about for a while, and this thread reminded me of it again. Am I the only dom who hates being the one to approach subs? It isn't so much that I'm nervous or afraid of rejection, I just don't like putting a submissive in the position of accepting or denying my attentions at the moment of introduction. It creates a power dynamic which later has to be overcome. My vanilla friends that know about my propensities are especially baffled that I'm not more (in their words) "predatory" with women. Do other doms think the way I do, or am I unique?


The part I bolded makes no sense to me.

I tend to not use the search feature. Men I've met either contacted me first or viewed my profile first (and I liked what I saw so contacted them).

(in reply to Palliata)
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RE: Approaching vs Being Approached - 2/12/2011 6:44:33 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Palliata

This is an issue I've been thinking about for a while, and this thread reminded me of it again. Am I the only dom who hates being the one to approach subs? It isn't so much that I'm nervous or afraid of rejection, I just don't like putting a submissive in the position of accepting or denying my attentions at the moment of introduction. It creates a power dynamic which later has to be overcome. My vanilla friends that know about my propensities are especially baffled that I'm not more (in their words) "predatory" with women. Do other doms think the way I do, or am I unique?



What I think is interesting is that you fail to appreicate that by only allow the waiting for them to approach you.. you are giving them the power to choose if they will or will not interact with you..... and that your own desire to want this person or that person comes second to if they want to you or not.

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RE: Approaching vs Being Approached - 2/12/2011 7:35:38 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Palliata
Do other doms think the way I do, or am I unique?


You aren't unique.

I've heard this before. Though I always roll my eyes at it - not about the preference but the "it creates a power dynamic that has to be overcome" BS. Yes the person being asked gets the first crack at rejecting the other. But to think that it creates a power dynamic strikes me as laughable - if the woman then says "Yes but only if you take me to Ruth's Chris and get me the filet minion and the top shelf champagne and pick me up in a limo" you are not obligated to continue - she has no power over you. You can reject her. In fact, you can do so mid-date, mid-scene or mid-fuck if you so choose.

Everyone is entitled to their preference. Mine is being tossed over a burly man's shoulder after an hour or so of flirting. I don't approach d-types. I just don't. Having to chase them just turns me off and, to be blunt, I've never had to. I want to be chased and pounced and feel all dainty and desired like in a romance novel.

Which probably sounds as dumb to you as the whole "when the d-type approaches the s-type the s-type has all the power" does to me. But it's what trips my trigger, ya know? So, as silly as the different approaches can sound to people, as long as we don't impose our personal preferences on other people by say.... making statements that certain ways are inferior or attempt to present them as creating the problems... it's really just personal preference. Like redheads or blonds.

And BTW - redheads always win.


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Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

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RE: Approaching vs Being Approached - 2/12/2011 8:06:53 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I agree with those who say if asking a woman out to coffee gives her so much power over you, then you haven't got a chance of actually having a d/s relationship with her later.

Plus from a practical viewpoint, it means you aren't going to meet anyone here and probably not anywhere else. Women get asked out all the time, men never do. We aren't going to see this as us being in control. We will see this as you being insecure and afraid of rejection. It may not be true but it is the impression you will give off, and that is not an impression which also says dominant.


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RE: Approaching vs Being Approached - 2/12/2011 8:33:20 PM   
NihilusZero


Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyBoPeep

i don't know why being predatory is associated with making initial contacts.

I'm pretty sure the context of "predatory" the OP was using was not at all relevant to sexual predation, but rather was meant to symbolize the process of aggressive pursuit typically associated with courtship.

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RE: Approaching vs Being Approached - 2/12/2011 8:57:49 PM   
NihilusZero


Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Palliata

I just don't like putting a submissive in the position of accepting or denying my attentions at the moment of introduction.

That, for better or worse, is a byproduct of being human (particularly male) and being interested in getting together with someone (particularly female).


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I know they're all insane
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I know that I'm to blame."
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RE: Approaching vs Being Approached - 2/13/2011 12:31:46 AM   
XenoMaster


Posts: 40
Joined: 1/24/2011
Status: offline 		There are very few people who like showing interest in someone else first and then seeing what happens.

You are much less likely to find someone if you don't approach anyone.

I am not sure what kind of a relationship you are seeking but every relationship I've had with a sub I've had to make advances and they accept or reject them as we go and the relationship develops. Sometimes they do some or even most of the advancing but I still have to play my part. The only relationship where I could see dodging this is if the sub throws herself completely at your feet on first contact and immediately locks on the collar. Note that this almost never happens and if it did there is even less of a chance that the sub is not in some way crazy.

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RE: Approaching vs Being Approached - 2/13/2011 12:35:56 AM   
Nanako


Posts: 222
Joined: 2/7/2011
From: Glasgow, Scotland
Status: offline 		I'm sub and I approach people. So far I'm finding the people I've approached to be far more interesting than the ones who come to me.

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RE: Approaching vs Being Approached - 2/13/2011 4:44:03 AM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero


quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyBoPeep

i don't know why being predatory is associated with making initial contacts.

I'm pretty sure the context of "predatory" the OP was using was not at all relevant to sexual predation, but rather was meant to symbolize the process of aggressive pursuit typically associated with courtship.


Mmmm.... I love it when you get all cerebral about my favorite topics.


_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

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