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Control: what, how, why? - 2/14/2011 12:22:25 PM   
LillyBoPeep


Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline 		I went back several pages and didn't see a recent topic, so i figured i'd start a new one --
This is inspired by a topic SimonD posed in Passion chat.

Why do you want to control/want to be controlled? What does it add to your life? How do you express/feel control?
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RE: Control: what, how, why? - 2/14/2011 12:50:52 PM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline 		A bit too general, no?

To ask me why I need to be in control in my relationships is akin to asking why I'm male; or hetero; or a North Sydney Bears fan....

I gather you're submissive, perhaps you'd like to get the ball rolling in your own topic? D/s & M/s relationships are unequal control orientated. Isn't that why you're here at CM?

Focus.

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RE: Control: what, how, why? - 2/14/2011 1:08:53 PM   
leadership527


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quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyBoPeep
Why do you want to control/want to be controlled? What does it add to your life? How do you express/feel control?

Hrrrm.... I have to do a bit of interpretation here because neither of us cares about "control". I'm dominant. She's submissive. We have created roles in our marriage which suit those dispositions. We like the roles because they fit us. Neither of us "feels" either control or dominance. I express "control" by saying crap like, "Hey mine, when you get a chance would you...."


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RE: Control: what, how, why? - 2/14/2011 1:22:26 PM   
MasterSlaveLA


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Personally, and generally speaking, I've found there are one of two driving factors at opposite ends of the spectrum:

1)  Sex... it gets your bits wet to sexually use/be used by someone else. (More of the "kink" crowd fit this)

or

2)  Security... in making/having someone else make good/bad life decisions. (More of the "M/s" or "D/s" crowd fit this)


Sure there's plenty of gray area... I've simply found one of the above tend to be the impetus of "control" for most.  Additionally, "control" can be given/imposed in a number of ways -- i.e., a collar, cuffs, cage, rope, discipline, punishment, freedom, confinement, finance, mental, emotional, physical, etc.  As with most things, it's very individualized.




< Message edited by MasterSlaveLA -- 2/14/2011 2:23:21 PM >

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RE: Control: what, how, why? - 2/14/2011 1:25:35 PM   
phoenixmoonn13


Posts: 398
Joined: 6/11/2010
Status: offline 		cant answer why because its who i am

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RE: Control: what, how, why? - 2/14/2011 2:09:39 PM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyBoPeep

I went back several pages and didn't see a recent topic, so i figured i'd start a new one --
This is inspired by a topic SimonD posed in Passion chat.

Why do you want to control/want to be controlled? What does it add to your life? How do you express/feel control?

To be honest when it feels like hard work and I get the slightest feeling someone is kicking off against my control, or playing head games and testing me. then I just walk away. Life's too short for hard work like that no matter how beguiling the form it comes dressed as.


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RE: Control: what, how, why? - 2/14/2011 2:18:53 PM   
DesFIP


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Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterSlaveLA


Personally, and generally speaking, I've found there are one of two driving factors at opposite ends of the spectrum:

1)  Sex... it gets your bits wet to sexually use/be used by someone else. (More of the "kink" crowd fit this)

or

2)  Security... in making/having someone else make good/bad life decisions. (More of the "M/s" or "D/s" crowd fit this)


Sure there's plenty of gray area... I've simply found one of the above tend to be the impetus of "control" for most.




Raises hand to both.


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RE: Control: what, how, why? - 2/14/2011 2:38:47 PM   
MasterSlaveLA


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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterSlaveLA


Personally, and generally speaking, I've found there are one of two driving factors at opposite ends of the spectrum:

1)  Sex... it gets your bits wet to sexually use/be used by someone else. (More of the "kink" crowd fit this)

or

2)  Security... in making/having someone else make good/bad life decisions. (More of the "M/s" or "D/s" crowd fit this)


Sure there's plenty of gray area... I've simply found one of the above tend to be the impetus of "control" for most.




Raises hand to both.



Sure... you can certainly desire both, but I've found that's closer to the D/s or M/s realm.  Why? Because for the "kinky sex" crowd, that's really all it is... kinky sex, and said "control" stops at the bedroom door.  However, for the M/s and/or D/s crowd, without the mental/emotional security that comes with control, the physical (wet bits and all) isn't likely to follow.



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RE: Control: what, how, why? - 2/14/2011 2:53:49 PM   
agirl


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Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		For me, he's the hand that holds the kite string.......while I throw myself at the sky and ride the breeze. If he let go, I'd still fly.....for while, but would end up tangled up in a Poplar tree somewhere and my string would be full of knots.

Because he has control, I get to fly higher, for longer and get brought back to land in one piece, fit to fly again.

That's what I get from it. What does he get?....He gets to see that wild, capricious rainbow streak soaring, dipping, dancing and flying and it makes him smile......a lot.

agirl

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RE: Control: what, how, why? - 2/14/2011 3:14:12 PM   
LillyBoPeep


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Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline 		that's gorgeous agirl ^_^ absolutely
that's how i feel about it, but i'd probably have rambled and destroyed the metaphor. =p

the question is intentionally vague; i figure people can answer it however they want to, in whatever scope they want to.
i've been thinking about this a lot, and just wanted to see what other people thought.

control is about a lot of things for me; it makes me feel safer, the kite feeling agirl so wonderfully illustrated. to some degree there might be a smidge of objectification in it for me? i dunno.
still working on that.

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RE: Control: what, how, why? - 2/14/2011 3:42:34 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		Why?

It makes me feel secure, steady, stable and balanced.

It makes my life so much easier and less stressful.

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RE: Control: what, how, why? - 2/14/2011 3:47:56 PM   
preytolife


Posts: 138
Joined: 11/29/2010
From: LaLa Land
Status: offline 		Depends on the person I'm involved with actually. I want to be controlled enough that I feel stable and secure. That might very with some people, and with every individual partner I make a judgement call on how much responsibility I think they can handle and how much I want them to have. There might come a day when I let someone else make that call, but until I find one that inspires that type of confidence in me then I don't think so.

I'm not a fan of micromanagement, but I do allow serious partners to help steer my life direction.

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RE: Control: what, how, why? - 2/14/2011 4:35:12 PM   
dreamerdreaming


Posts: 2839
Status: offline 		Its my orientation. Its way deeper than just erotic, or sexual.

I don't always hafta be in control in my vanilla life, but I do love it. In My love life, control, humiliation and objectification are my main "kinks". They're yummy. Vanilla can be yummy too, when its done right. And I've had yummy vanilla phases that went on for years. But my orientation is owner/slave. So when I evolved out of my slave state, I became owner.

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RE: Control: what, how, why? - 2/14/2011 5:06:15 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterSlaveLA
Sure... you can certainly desire both, but I've found that's closer to the D/s or M/s realm.  Why? Because for the "kinky sex" crowd, that's really all it is... kinky sex, and said "control" stops at the bedroom door.  However, for the M/s and/or D/s crowd, without the mental/emotional security that comes with control, the physical (wet bits and all) isn't likely to follow.


I disagree. I played with him before he started exerting much control and bondage by itself is an immediate turn on. I actually don't find it to be controlling or d/s. It's playtime for us, not  a demonstration of him being in charge. I feel more submissive when he takes control of nonsexual things, real things that affect my real life positively by him solving a problem. Although I have to admit that yesterday when he decreed we needed to get bags and bags of gravel to fix potholes in the iced over driveway I was feeling more sore than submissive. But I'm extremely grateful he identified and implemented a solution.

Now he may feel that bondage is a demonstration of his uberdomliness but I doubt it as I think he would have mentioned it by now. He finds bondage to be an artistic activity with me as canvas. He's big on symmetry in ties. And of course, for us it's a highly sexual activity.




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RE: Control: what, how, why? - 2/14/2011 5:14:36 PM   
LillyBoPeep


Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline 		bondage is a turn-on for me, too; not necessarily about control, though i guess it can be, especially when it's done to restrict for a specific purpose/activity. but i feel control more in daily life issues, too -- problem solving or simply "this is what i want you to do" things. 

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RE: Control: what, how, why? - 2/14/2011 5:44:58 PM   
StrongSpirit


Posts: 575
Joined: 4/10/2005
Status: offline 		For me it's about trust and truth. There is so much deception and lies - both white and black in the world. I want to know that the woman I am with trusts me and is telling me the truth. Similarly, I want her to know that I trust her and I am telling her the truth.

That issue fuels my kink, but does not determine my dominance vs submission.

My need to dominate comes from a variety of sources. I am intelligent and under-employed (mostly by choice - I like to have free time as opposed to working 14 hour days), which leaves me being subordinate to people of greater financial ambition but less intelligence. Add in a nerdy childhood - constantly be turned down and outright insulted by pretty idiots. Throw in an inherently nice disposition with a strong belief in fairness and justice ends up with me being taken advantage of every once in a while and resenting it. Top it all off with a father that got royally screwed in one of his divorces and I need to be in control of the relationship.

When I dominate, I get to stop being subordinate, I get vengeance on all those pretty idiots, and I know that I can ensure fairness while being kind, without being taken advantage of. I also know that no one will ever take advantage of me the way my first step mother took advantage of my father.

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RE: Control: what, how, why? - 2/14/2011 5:56:32 PM   
MasterSlaveLA


Posts: 3991
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterSlaveLA
Sure... you can certainly desire both, but I've found that's closer to the D/s or M/s realm.  Why? Because for the "kinky sex" crowd, that's really all it is... kinky sex, and said "control" stops at the bedroom door.  However, for the M/s and/or D/s crowd, without the mental/emotional security that comes with control, the physical (wet bits and all) isn't likely to follow.


I disagree. I played with him before he started exerting much control and bondage by itself is an immediate turn on. I actually don't find it to be controlling or d/s. It's playtime for us, not  a demonstration of him being in charge. I feel more submissive when he takes control of nonsexual things, real things that affect my real life positively by him solving a problem. Although I have to admit that yesterday when he decreed we needed to get bags and bags of gravel to fix potholes in the iced over driveway I was feeling more sore than submissive. But I'm extremely grateful he identified and implemented a solution.

Now he may feel that bondage is a demonstration of his uberdomliness but I doubt it as I think he would have mentioned it by now. He finds bondage to be an artistic activity with me as canvas. He's big on symmetry in ties. And of course, for us it's a highly sexual activity.



I understand what you've stated, so either we do, in fact, disagree, or I'm not explaining what I'm referring to correctly?

For most I know that fall into the "kinky sex" crowd, control (via bondage, to use your example) is merely a means to an end -- wet sexy bits.  For those I know that fall into the "M/s" and/or "D/s" crowd, no amount of bondage (again, to use your example) by someone they don't deem able/worthy to control them will lead to wet sexy bits.  Quite simply, they're not turned-on by just anyone dominating them and are not part of the "play" camp -- i.e., it's not merely being dominated/controlled that feeds their heart, mind, and sexy bits... it's the security in surrenduring control to one they feel secure enough to own (i.e., lead) them.  In fact, the BDSM accoutrements of whips, floggers, rope, cuffs, collars, and so forth are not central to the dynamic -- security, safety, domination, consistency, and boundaries are.

Hopefully the above clarifies a bit... but if not, then I suppose we simply disagree. (shrugs)



< Message edited by MasterSlaveLA -- 2/14/2011 6:26:49 PM >

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RE: Control: what, how, why? - 2/14/2011 5:59:09 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterSlaveLA

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterSlaveLA


Personally, and generally speaking, I've found there are one of two driving factors at opposite ends of the spectrum:

1)  Sex... it gets your bits wet to sexually use/be used by someone else. (More of the "kink" crowd fit this)

or

2)  Security... in making/having someone else make good/bad life decisions. (More of the "M/s" or "D/s" crowd fit this)


Sure there's plenty of gray area... I've simply found one of the above tend to be the impetus of "control" for most.




Raises hand to both.



Sure... you can certainly desire both, but I've found that's closer to the D/s or M/s realm.  Why? Because for the "kinky sex" crowd, that's really all it is... kinky sex, and said "control" stops at the bedroom door.  However, for the M/s and/or D/s crowd, without the mental/emotional security that comes with control, the physical (wet bits and all) isn't likely to follow.




You keep saying "kinky sex" crowd, bedroom only, like that is a bad thing.

Some people like to be controlled in the bedroom and no where else. And that is just fine.

Leave your judgements elsewhere.

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RE: Control: what, how, why? - 2/14/2011 6:11:00 PM   
MasterSlaveLA


Posts: 3991
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterSlaveLA

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterSlaveLA


Personally, and generally speaking, I've found there are one of two driving factors at opposite ends of the spectrum:

1)  Sex... it gets your bits wet to sexually use/be used by someone else. (More of the "kink" crowd fit this)

or

2)  Security... in making/having someone else make good/bad life decisions. (More of the "M/s" or "D/s" crowd fit this)


Sure there's plenty of gray area... I've simply found one of the above tend to be the impetus of "control" for most.




Raises hand to both.



Sure... you can certainly desire both, but I've found that's closer to the D/s or M/s realm.  Why? Because for the "kinky sex" crowd, that's really all it is... kinky sex, and said "control" stops at the bedroom door.  However, for the M/s and/or D/s crowd, without the mental/emotional security that comes with control, the physical (wet bits and all) isn't likely to follow.




You keep saying "kinky sex" crowd, bedroom only, like that is a bad thing.

Some people like to be controlled in the bedroom and no where else. And that is just fine.

Leave your judgements elsewhere.


Ummm... where did I state that desiring control in the bedroom only is a "bad thing"???   You are the only one that's made this leap... so maybe it's you that should "leave your judgements elsewhere".   I also wrote "M/s and/or D/s crowd" too.  So, what... am I supposedly judging them too?!!  Yanno, you could have just asked instead of just running with this wildly incorrect assumption.





< Message edited by MasterSlaveLA -- 2/14/2011 6:21:04 PM >

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RE: Control: what, how, why? - 2/14/2011 6:18:36 PM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		Why?? Because it is my heritage. I was born to rule which is another form of control.
Why?? Because it makes me feel happy especially am in control of my surroundings.
Why?? Because I am a Master and it is inconceivable for me to have a slave and not control her or have the control over her to bring her to my standards I require.
Why?? Because If I can not control myself and the important things like the proficient use of my weapons I am vulnerable and that is not acceptable.
Why??Because like the voice from the burning bush spoke to Moses ~ ~  "I am that I am!" (Or) "I am what I am!"


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Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

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