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Question about a rude sub. - 2/18/2011 5:44:04 PM

StrongSpirit

Posts: 575
Joined: 4/10/2005
Status: offline

A sub emailed me yesterday. We sent a couple of emails back and forth (not chat). I will not reveal her identity, it is not relevant.

I asked her what turns her on and she responded (very short response, couple of phrases and then "openness"). She did not include any question or other significant stimuli to continue the conversation.

As I was reading her email, I got a phone call and answered it, turning off my computer.

Today I go back to my computer to find 3 things.

1) About 45 minutes after I had turned off the computer she saw that I had read her last email and sent me another email, asking if her answer was "not good enough."

2) About thirty minutes after that she sent me a one word email "asshole"

3) And then blocked me.

Note, she should have been able to see that the email in point 1) had not been read. Apparently she assumed I was ignoring her, but not blocking her.

So I need to ask the subs out there:

A) This was email, not chat. Was I rude? Did I have to reply to her email that day, or is it still allowable to wait some time and think about my reply? I had sent two emails and she had sent 3, before I left.

B) Regardless of whether or not I was rude to not answer with one and a 15 minutes, was she rude? Did I get lucky and avoid a problem person?

C) I found out that she had blocked me when I sent a polite explanatory email that also stated how I like it when subs apologise (without actually asking her to do so.) Was this a wimpy thing to do? Should I have just blocked her? Should I have required her to apologise?

< Message edited by StrongSpirit -- 2/18/2011 5:47:06 PM >

Post #: 1

RE: Question about a rude sub. - 2/18/2011 5:53:52 PM

came4U

Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline

quote:

Regardless of whether or not I was rude to not answer with one and a 15 minutes, was she rude? Did I get lucky and avoid a problem person?

Yes.

Problem solved. lol

_____________________________

It hurts.....that you call me a masochist

(in reply to StrongSpirit)

Post #: 2

RE: Question about a rude sub. - 2/18/2011 6:05:24 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: StrongSpirit

A) This was email, not chat. Was I rude? Did I have to reply to her email that day, or is it still allowable to wait some time and think about my reply? I had sent two emails and she had sent 3, before I left.

B) Regardless of whether or not I was rude to not answer with one and a 15 minutes, was she rude? Did I get lucky and avoid a problem person?

C) I found out that she had blocked me when I sent a polite explanatory email that also stated how I like it when subs apologise (without actually asking her to do so.) Was this a wimpy thing to do? Should I have just blocked her? Should I have required her to apologise?

Dude, you're a Dom. YOU make the rules, within reason.

A. For all she knew, your neighborhood was burning down and you were out saving dozens of lives. She had no right to get upset. After a few days, yeah, you would have been rude, but not two or three hours.

B. I don't know if I'd call her a problem person, but she clearly thinks that the world rotates around her to some degree. And she has a temper.

C. What good would demanding an apology do? She was pissed and wouldn't apologize anyway. Your stating that you like it when subs apologize objectifies her as a sub as opposed to a person, and is a very passive-aggressive way to approach this. A Dom would demand an apology if there was a relationship, or in your case, move on.

Why should you block her? Fella, I don't think you have a choice in this matter. I think you're out of her life. Why ask what you should do? Move on.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to StrongSpirit)

Post #: 3

RE: Question about a rude sub. - 2/18/2011 6:05:34 PM

DaddysInkedSlut

Posts: 1837
Joined: 5/14/2010
Status: offline

Earlier today, I was speaking to a dom via email on the other side. We had only exchanged several casual emails nothing remotely regarding our sexual turn ons or kinks and I had to leave quickly. I simply typed got to go. Three simple words. I did not OWE him an explanation but IMO it is simply basic conversation etiquette. I would NOT simply walk away from someone I was talking to face to face without some kind of explantion, nor would I hang up on someone without one. To do so would be rude. Do you owe her an explantion? Well that is up to you, however; I will say this as blunt as possible. You can not "require" something of someone who is not yours. I will also say that I personally would have blocked you from jump for asking what I enjoyed sexually, what turned me on or things of that nature in the intital conversation. THAT tells me you are either only about the sexual aspects or simply looking for wank material.

_____________________________

Inkie Goodness!

http://www.freakmommas3.com/daddysinkedslut/main.htm

(in reply to came4U)

Post #: 4

RE: Question about a rude sub. - 2/18/2011 6:08:36 PM

TreasureKY

Posts: 3032
Joined: 4/10/2007
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: StrongSpirit

A) This was email, not chat. Was I rude? Did I have to reply to her email that day, or is it still allowable to wait some time and think about my reply? I had sent two emails and she had sent 3, before I left.

B) Regardless of whether or not I was rude to not answer with one and a 15 minutes, was she rude? Did I get lucky and avoid a problem person?

C) I found out that she had blocked me when I sent a polite explanatory email that also stated how I like it when subs apologise (without actually asking her to do so.) Was this a wimpy thing to do? Should I have just blocked her? Should I have required her to apologise?

A) It sounds as if she didn't care if it was via email or instant chat... you left a conversation without so much as a "I have to log off now; I'll respond later". Is that rude? I don't know. What would you have thought in the same circumstances and in her place?

B) Yes... at least in my opinion and for me. Then again, perhaps she was lucky to find out so quickly how little consideration you have.

C) It sounds like this is one of those cases when "better late than never", isn't. What you like, want, or require is entirely meaningless.

< Message edited by TreasureKY -- 2/18/2011 6:11:55 PM >

(in reply to StrongSpirit)

Post #: 5

RE: Question about a rude sub. - 2/18/2011 6:09:57 PM

preytolife

Posts: 138
Joined: 11/29/2010
From: LaLa Land
Status: offline

Some people here, Doms and subs, treat the message system like IM and OMG if you don't reply within 5 minutes you are fake/rude/rejecting them/ugly/gay/unworthy of them. Yes, they're rude, reactionary people. You can't require her to do shit. I don't believe you were being wimpy [really?? WIMPY? *giggles*]. You're probably better off if she's that quick to start slinging insults without provocation.

_____________________________

"No man is so good as to be free from all evil, nor so bad as to be worth nothing." - Norse Proverb

(in reply to came4U)

Post #: 6

RE: Question about a rude sub. - 2/18/2011 6:28:09 PM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: came4U

quote:

Regardless of whether or not I was rude to not answer with one and a 15 minutes, was she rude? Did I get lucky and avoid a problem person?

Yes.

Problem solved. lol

I'm going to add that the rudeness stemmed from insecurity. Imagine the joys of being in a relationship with an insecure, fly off the handle, over dramatic sub.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to came4U)

Post #: 7

RE: Question about a rude sub. - 2/18/2011 6:36:00 PM

StrongSpirit

Posts: 575
Joined: 4/10/2005
Status: offline

quote:

I will also say that I personally would have blocked you from jump for asking what I enjoyed sexually, what turned me on or things of that nature in the intital conversation. THAT tells me you are either only about the sexual aspects or simply looking for wank material.

This is a problem with email, and even more so with making judgements based on 2nd hand telling of an email. You have not even read them, and have made some rather bold and wrong assumptions.

She brought up what turned her on, not me. I did reply to her stimuli and perhaps that was wrong. But your assumptions about me are entirely wrong. I want a wife, not wank material.

P.S. I don't care how good a judge of character you are, emails are known for causing miscommunication. The tale told here is not the first and won't be the last. You may be able to tell shmucks from menschs within seconds of meeting them in real life, but emails are not real life. No one, and I mean NO ONE is as good at reading between the lines of emails as you think you are. Emails cause more misinterpretations than identical twins. People need to be a bit more open minded and communicate a lot more before making such dramatic judgements based on limited evidence.

(in reply to DaddysInkedSlut)

Post #: 8

RE: Question about a rude sub. - 2/18/2011 6:42:56 PM

DaddysInkedSlut

Posts: 1837
Joined: 5/14/2010
Status: offline

OP,
I did not make assumptions you stated, " I asked her what turns her on and she responded (very short response, couple of phrases and then "openness"). She did not include any question or other significant stimuli to continue the conversation. " I have always said that written word can be easily misinterpreted, however; your orginal post is all any of us have to on. You are correct I didn't read her emails and frankly I dont want or need to she didn't come here for advice YOU did she has obviously moved on. Perhaps you should do the same.

ETA: I do think that how someone communicates with me tells ALOT about them and if i want to continue on communicating with them or meeting. It's not about being closed minded its about having personal standards and not wavering in those standards on or offline.

< Message edited by DaddysInkedSlut -- 2/18/2011 6:45:44 PM >

_____________________________

Inkie Goodness!

http://www.freakmommas3.com/daddysinkedslut/main.htm

(in reply to StrongSpirit)

Post #: 9

RE: Question about a rude sub. - 2/18/2011 6:54:24 PM

LillyBoPeep

Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline

so these emails were exchanged in rapid succession? like a conversation?
it wasn't totally unreasonable for her to wonder why you didn't respond, but she escalated it by calling you an asshole and then blocking you.
why did you have to turn off your computer to answer your phone?
if it had been me, i'd have typed a quick "phone call, will reply later" and left it at that -- at least she'd know you weren't blowing her off.
but ultimately, she shouldn't have made the assumptions she made, i.e. that you would respond to her immediately, or that you were blowing her off. there's no reason to make those assumptions about someone you don't know until you have real reason to believe them.
if i were you, honestly, i'd just move on.

(in reply to DaddysInkedSlut)

Post #: 10

RE: Question about a rude sub. - 2/18/2011 8:10:32 PM

LadyRian

Posts: 486
Joined: 9/5/2010
Status: offline

Mistakes in communication happen all the time. Granted, if you were sending back and forth, rapid fire emails, and you got a call, I weigh in on the side of telling the other person in a quick note saying "Have to go, we'll speak later" sort of thing. BUT I also think that getting snotty, and then calling you an asshole was extreme. I mean, come on. It's email. People have lives. My call? High maintenance, bad fit, and you discovered this right away. I think it saved you a lot of time.

_____________________________

"Dodging bullets since 2010"

(in reply to LillyBoPeep)

Post #: 11

RE: Question about a rude sub. - 2/18/2011 8:16:26 PM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

And I will be the voice of reason and say to everyone who is blaming the sub in question that none of you know her side of the story.

She, perhaps like many of us, has had numerous emails, IM's, and other types of communications with Doms who are rude as well.

I have had guys beg me to privately IM with them here and when I went on the chat, they were either ridiculously boring, couldn't think of a thing to say, asked me inappropriate questions or were just stupid. So many times I jumped off the chat saying I have to go.

And then I would get an immediate email calling me a bitchy cunt who was not really submissive. Ho Hum, whatever.

In addition, lots of men contact women and then show no follow up or just disappear from the chat with no explanation either.

So before you all jump on her, take a moment and remember there are two sides of the story.

< Message edited by sexyred1 -- 2/18/2011 8:17:42 PM >

(in reply to LadyRian)

Post #: 12

RE: Question about a rude sub. - 2/18/2011 8:29:41 PM

LadyRian

Posts: 486
Joined: 9/5/2010
Status: offline

Red, anyone who would be rude to you doesn't deserve to have another second of your time. Some people don't recognise when they're in the presence of a truly classy person, and behave like swine.

To me it sounds like what the op was describing was the same situation you mentioned- you had to go, and the rude party on the other end called you ugly names. However, you did tell them you had to go, and I think this was where the miscommunication happened- he didn't. I still think she overreacted, the calling him an asshole was to me out of line, she didn't even wait for an email back from him with an explanation.

Op, in future, I do think you might want to consider some form of sign off communication, especially if it feels like a conversation was just dropped.

_____________________________

"Dodging bullets since 2010"

(in reply to sexyred1)

Post #: 13

RE: Question about a rude sub. - 2/18/2011 8:33:12 PM

petmonkey

Posts: 1053
Joined: 7/7/2009
Status: offline

quote:

A) This was email, not chat. Was I rude?

Absolutely not. You're writing letters, not talking directly. It isn't the same as hanging up the phone on someone.

Did I have to reply to her email that day, or is it still allowable to wait some time and think about my reply?

No you don't. That's more than acceptable in my book. Personally, i sometimes take forever and six days to write people back. Part of this has to do with why i'm on CM though, which is slightly different from most people's. Take my stance on this matter with a grain of salt.

B) was she rude?

Name-calling is rude, in my book. Assumptions leaning toward thinking someone is purposefully being a jerk might be subjectively offensive but objectively somewhat understandable. YMMV.

Did I get lucky and avoid a problem person?

Yes. Or, at least, someone who acts in a childish manner when they feel slighted in some way. YMMV.

C) I found out that she had blocked me when I sent a polite explanatory email that also stated how I like it when subs apologise (without actually asking her to do so.) Was this a wimpy thing to do? Should I have just blocked her? Should I have required her to apologise?

i don't understand your concern over whether your stance showed strength or not, it was you being you, i hear tell that's strong in and of itself. i'm a sub though, so i suppose this is the flip side of the coin to "did the D find me deferential enough?" If i'm wondering this, i'm making too big a deal out of initial interactions, objectifying the Dominant and not thinking about compatibility in the correct light--if they do, they do; if they don't, better now than later.

i don't think it's wimpy to continue to communicate/attempt to clear up mis-communication with someone when you see an issue in that vein. i think it's brave (and therefore a show of strength) to communicate through misunderstandings when you care about whether you are communicating effectively with the other person.

Requiring an apology in the context you gave us sounds a little too "Bow before me, subrandom" to me--but that's me.
Requiring an apology for calling you names and making assumptions before continuing on with conversation toward a deeper dynamic, if the sub contacts you again, possibly a good idea.

_____________________________

Be excellent to each other.

(in reply to StrongSpirit)

Post #: 14

RE: Question about a rude sub. - 2/18/2011 8:39:59 PM

NihilusZero

Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

In order to get to the insulting reaction she finished with, she had to manufacture negative intents into your silence and get hyper-flustered enough about it to imagine that your absence was the initial insult.

Unless the OP is lying through his teeth, there is no other side to the story aside from the propensity to surrender to paranoia.

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

CM Sex God du Jour
CM Hall Monitor

(in reply to petmonkey)

Post #: 15

RE: Question about a rude sub. - 2/18/2011 8:41:03 PM

Nanako

Posts: 222
Joined: 2/7/2011
From: Glasgow, Scotland
Status: offline

Hiya sir ^_^

quote:

ORIGINAL: StrongSpirit

A sub emailed me yesterday. We sent a couple of emails back and forth (not chat). I will not reveal her identity, it is not relevant.

wise!

quote:

(very short response, couple of phrases and then "openness")

red flag

quote:

. She did not include any question or other significant stimuli to continue the conversation.

double red flag

quote:

1) About 45 minutes after I had turned off the computer she saw that I had read her last email and sent me another email, asking if her answer was "not good enough."

She is neurotic, and attention starved. I can understand entirely where she's coming from, having experienced the same feelings in the same situation, many times. However, I always take a step back, take a deep breath, and remember one of the golden rules;
"Never attribute to malice, what can adequately be explained by stupidity, forgetfulness, or extenuating circumstances" (somewhat modified by me, from an original quote)

In this situation, you could have sent her a message immediately after reading the message, stating that you intended to respond to it later. That may have calmed her. However ultimately, you should not have to do this, and you did nothing wrong in not doing so.

quote:

2) About thirty minutes after that she sent me a one word email "asshole"

She is a person who expects attention and is used to getting it. She could not tolerate that you would "ignore" her for so long. A spoiled brat, in essence. Particularly lacking in either life experience, or empathy, being unable to think of any scenario other than that you had deliberately not answered. Nothing you could do.

quote:

3) And then blocked me.

She is a bitch who probably has too many other guys vying for her attention to bother with what she believes is an insult. Though you don't have much choice anyway, you would be right in my eyes to cut contact with her and look for someone who's less of a brat.

quote:

A) This was email, not chat. Was I rude?

no, you were a real person. she's clearly not ready to deal with that.

quote:

Did I have to reply to her email that day, or is it still allowable to wait some time and think about my reply?

When I mail someone, I'd generally expect a reply within about 48 hours of their reading it. If none seems to be coming, I'll politely ask if I've done anything to offend them or put them off. Another 48 hours after that, I'll assume they've decided not to continue contact, and let it go silent, but not block them, incase something unfortunate was keeping them from responding. I hold nothing against them if they don't reply until after the second message, and will repeat the above for every single one I send. So essentially, anyone who I send a message to, gets four days to respond, from when they decide to read my mail, not from when I send it.

I think this is actually quite demanding, but I guess I have high standards for the sort of dominant I seek. The sub you were talking to appears to be a spoilt diva and beyond saving.

quote:

B) Regardless of whether or not I was rude to not answer with one and a 15 minutes, was she rude? Did I get lucky and avoid a problem person?

I think she was extremely rude and you probably wouldn't want to be around someone who's so high maintenance anyway.

quote:

C) I found out that she had blocked me when I sent a polite explanatory email that also stated how I like it when subs apologise (without actually asking her to do so.) Was this a wimpy thing to do? Should I have just blocked her? Should I have required her to apologise?

I think this question is mostly irrelevant. I've no strong opinion on asking for an apology. Personally I would have asked what she percieves you to have done, to deserve such treatment.

I hope the advice from this sub has been helpful ^^

(in reply to StrongSpirit)

Post #: 16

RE: Question about a rude sub. - 2/18/2011 9:02:35 PM

BonesFromAsh

Posts: 1362
Joined: 6/17/2010
Status: offline

Not a sub, but I'll give it a shot...

quote:

ORIGINAL: StrongSpirit

Was I rude?

Where's Miss Manners when you need her?

quote:

Did I have to reply to her email that day, or is it still allowable to wait some time and think about my reply?

It depends...if I'm interested in a person and the emails we've exchanged are leading to a more indepth conversation, I'm more apt to respond sooner rather than later. Generally though, taking time to think before sending a reply isn't a bad thing.

quote:

B) Regardless of whether or not I was rude to not answer with one and a 15 minutes, was she rude?

It depends on how the prior emails were written. Perhaps she assumed you were more interested in her than you actually were. Resorting to name calling isn't very ladylike, regardless.

quote:

Did I get lucky and avoid a problem person?

Maybe you were both lucky.

quote:

C) I found out that she had blocked me when I sent a polite explanatory email that also stated how I like it when subs apologise (without actually asking her to do so.) Was this a wimpy thing to do?

Wimpy? No. Ridiculous? Yes. Why in the world would you expect a stranger to apologize simply because of a label (sub)?

quote:

Should I have just blocked her?

To what end? She already had you blocked.

quote:

Should I have required her to apologise?

Honestly, I'm still sort of blown away by the fact that you would even expect this from someone you've only exchanged a couple of emails with.
____________________________________________

A proper email/letter is usually written as followed;

1. The Greeting (Dear So and So)

2. The Body (The message you are writing to the recipient)

3. The Closing (Sincerely, Yours Truly)

4. Your Signature

I'm not sure, OP, how you structured your emails exchanged with this person....were they in the style of a letter or were they more IM/rapid fire?

< Message edited by BonesFromAsh -- 2/18/2011 9:06:31 PM >

(in reply to StrongSpirit)

Post #: 17

RE: Question about a rude sub. - 2/18/2011 9:05:13 PM

Nanako

Posts: 222
Joined: 2/7/2011
From: Glasgow, Scotland
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

In order to get to the insulting reaction she finished with, she had to manufacture negative intents into your silence and get hyper-flustered enough about it to imagine that your absence was the initial insult.

Unless the OP is lying through his teeth, there is no other side to the story aside from the propensity to surrender to paranoia.

This sums it up better than my response

quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

And I will be the voice of reason and say to everyone who is blaming the sub in question that none of you know her side of the story.

Hello miss ^^
I know it seems romantic and rebellious, but playing devil's advocate is not the same as being the voice of reason. We have been asked to make a judgement on a very precise list of events. The OP has given specific durations, to the minute, that her responses occurs. Perhaps he's flat-out lying, whether or not it's reasonable to assume that is up to you, but otherwise there's zero wiggle room for interpretation here

quote:

She, perhaps like many of us, has had numerous emails, IM's, and other types of communications with Doms who are rude as well.

Perhaps so, I get it too. If she doesn't have the strength of character to maintain a level-headed outlook in searching for her ideal person, and ets it get to her, then bad for her,. But it doesn't make the OP any more or less at fault.

quote:

I have had guys beg me to privately IM with them here and when I went on the chat, they were either ridiculously boring, couldn't think of a thing to say, asked me inappropriate questions or were just stupid. So many times I jumped off the chat saying I have to go.

Constant complaint of mine too. Most chats start with smalltalk, progress with me asking questions, and end when I get bored of pushing rope.

(in reply to NihilusZero)

Post #: 18

RE: Question about a rude sub. - 2/18/2011 9:42:07 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

I'm guessing it was a guy.

Nothing lost so don't worry about it.

(in reply to Nanako)

Post #: 19

RE: Question about a rude sub. - 2/18/2011 10:27:53 PM

tazzygirl

Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline

Why are you, a Dominant, worried about what others think of your response to someone who you believe was rude to you?

To be honest, depending on what she sent in that last e-mail, she may have had reasons to be jumpy... doesnt dismiss the asshole comment though.

What are your real intentions with this thread?

_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to StrongSpirit)

Post #: 20

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