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RE: think i'm going to die - 5/5/2006 1:07:57 PM

amayos

Posts: 1553
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: New England
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RiotGirl

Amayos - i'm wondering if thats why i cant swing my mind around to the positive of the situation. Yeah, surely something else could be done. He doesnt have to pay rent where he's moving to. His dad and him work together, and its right close to the job. Loads cheaper you see.

i find myself getting like momentarily angry. Angry at him. Just flashes of it. Though i'm barely crying now and i manage to shut myself up when i start. Angry and like i want to say screw you. Not obey, not listen, turn my back and say screw you. But only flashes of it.. only two actually.. once earlier and then when i read your post amayos.

But i've got to hold on to his words. i have his word. He wouldnt give if it was just some devious sinister plan of getting rid of me. As thats how it feels. i have his words, struggle through, till the sun comes out again. i'll have to hold on to them to struggle through. Otherwise its gonna be lost. Specially if anger or resentment takes over.

think positive he says

I'm truly sorry if my words stirred up the embers, but I wish I could be someone close to your Master to offer a more pragmatic approach. Then again, perhaps he has other reasons for doing this—beyond our vision? Perhaps there is a bigger picture? So long as you are his girl, it is right to obey and see where this leads you. Be strong and certainly try not to yeild to resentment.

(in reply to RiotGirl)

Post #: 41

RE: think i'm going to die - 5/5/2006 1:37:03 PM

Evanesce

Posts: 2325
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline

Riot, I feel for you, 'cause I've been where you are, and the pain is enormous - and the fear even more so. Three years ago, Master went on the road and left me here. Overnight, we went from being together every day to the point where I see Him for a couple days every two to three weeks, and for his three weeks' vacation, and that's it.

It's HARD. I know it's hard. It's hard to maintain a relationship when you're separated all the time, and you're going to struggle, and be sad, and angry, and frustrated, and depressed, and occasionally selfish before everything settles down. But he's only an hour away. He can come home on the weekends, can't he? I made the 3-hour drive to Master's house every weekend for a year before we moved in together. An hour is nothing.

Just keep reminding yourself that this is only temporary. And try to put yourself into the mindset of this being a complicated assignment he's given you, and he expects you to succeed. You can do this. You say you're weak, but in just reading your posts, I know there is strength there. You'll find it.

_____________________________

Denise

Give a slave what he truly needs, and he will do what you want.

"There's never a hero in a battle of ego." - Big & Rich

(in reply to RiotGirl)

Post #: 42

RE: think i'm going to die - 5/5/2006 2:18:09 PM

RiotGirl

Posts: 3149
Status: offline

fuck it i'm running. and if i didnt do anything wrong WHY AM I FUCKING HURTING. fuck that. fuck this. i'd slam the car in to the garage a few million times but the sastisfaction would only last for so long. Fucking bullshit that it is. Fuck that. Siut around here fucking whining, feeling sorry for my stupid pitful fucking self. FUCK THAT. Bullshit. Mother fucking why couldnt i be in fucking DC - i'd just hit 14th street or dupont circle go over to fucking NE and take a walk.

Fuck that i aint sitting here. bull fucking shit. if i didnt have any fucking common sense, NO actually, if i didnt have a kid who i'd freak out i'be destroying EVERYTHING fucking around me right now. You know i did that once, with a base ball bat. Had 4 or 5 grown men in my place and i walked in and told them toget OUT. i they ran as soon as my bat connected with the tv. ha and fucking double ha. It was nice leveling that apartment. Nothing fucking stood. Fuck that. And i only did it, so i didnt take the bat and beat some one elses head in. i dun believe in hurtying ppl. Nor was i hurt.. nah i was fucking ANGRY. Fucking bastards that people be. i swear the whole lot of people in this world should just fucking burn in hell. Save me the problems of running into them eh. Save a whole lot of people trouble. Yeah - you folks arent exempted the bastards from hell.. the find everyone

AND if its not the fucking bastards its fucking FATE.. its THEM that decides the fate and i'm fucking SICK of IT

Fuck that. Fate and hell want to play with me. Go on i play rough

So fuck that. Fuck crying. Fuck being a little fucking bitch. i hate whiney bitches.

yeah i'm out. I'm Going to GO play with FATE. We'll see we'll see. Fucking life, i'm fucking sick of it. Ha how long must i wait till armagedon. GOD DAMN i've waited 10 fucking years wont it hurry up already

(in reply to RiotGirl)

Post #: 43

RE: think i'm going to die - 5/5/2006 2:20:23 PM

amayos

Posts: 1553
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: New England
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RiotGirl

fuck it i'm running. and if i didnt do anything wrong WHY AM I FUCKING HURTING. fuck that. fuck this. i'd slam the car in to the garage a few million times but the sastisfaction would only last for so long. Fucking bullshit that it is. Fuck that. Siut around here fucking whining, feeling sorry for my stupid pitful fucking self. FUCK THAT. Bullshit. Mother fucking why couldnt i be in fucking DC - i'd just hit 14th street or dupont circle go over to fucking NE and take a walk.

Fuck that i aint sitting here. bull fucking shit. if i didnt have any fucking common sense, NO actually, if i didnt have a kid who i'd freak out i'be destroying EVERYTHING fucking around me right now. You know i did that once, with a base ball bat. Had 4 or 5 grown men in my place and i walked in and told them toget OUT. i they ran as soon as my bat connected with the tv. ha and fucking double ha. It was nice leveling that apartment. Nothing fucking stood. Fuck that. And i only did it, so i didnt take the bat and beat some one elses head in. i dun believe in hurtying ppl. Nor was i hurt.. nah i was fucking ANGRY. Fucking bastards that people be. i swear the whole lot of people in this world should just fucking burn in hell. Save me the problems of running into them eh. Save a whole lot of people trouble. Yeah - you folks arent exempted the bastards from hell.. the find everyone

AND if its not the fucking bastards its fucking FATE.. its THEM that decides the fate and i'm fucking SICK of IT

Fuck that. Fate and hell want to play with me. Go on i play rough

So fuck that. Fuck crying. Fuck being a little fucking bitch. i hate whiney bitches.

yeah i'm out. I'm Going to GO play with FATE. We'll see we'll see. Fucking life, i'm fucking sick of it. Ha how long must i wait till armagedon. GOD DAMN i've waited 10 fucking years wont it hurry up already

There is that option too, of course.

(in reply to RiotGirl)

Post #: 44

RE: think i'm going to die - 5/5/2006 4:48:08 PM

RiotGirl

Posts: 3149
Status: offline

i feel fucking better. you know it occured to me while i was driving that folks might take the last post the wrong way, but i wasnt gonna stop driving and come back to clear it up. Little bit of road rage, little bit of chicken does the soul good. i've come to a conclusion. i dont fucking care. Fuck caring, whats it do for you? Screw love as well. This was my 3rd shot at it. i'm done with that nonsense. Not for me, doesnt do me any good and i certianly dont need it. Spent the better part of my life with out. Spent many many years on my own. Technically i was on my own as a kid - but that dont count.Naw, i'm just gonna revert to my old self and i'll be fine. Just gonna find the ghetto in me and use it to throw up some pretty little walls made of steel. You know its fucked up that he tore all my walls down, every fucking one of them.. and now what. i had some good security too damn it. Some nice fucking walls. Padlocked and shit. No one no mater what they did could get in and he comes along all fucking stealth like. i felt the brunt of his leaving hard. i've a choice bout how i feel. and i'm not gonna feel it. i dont have too. i DONT have to feel like this and i'm not.

i do feel better. i've worn myself out too = ) Adrenaline is great. See fate and me, we fuck with each other.. i'm never sure who wins though. Cos i'm never sure what i really want to accomplish. could say i always win cos i always come through. i'm not worried bout fate. Fate can go fuck itself. i dont really worry bout life and death, tested it out many times in my youth. L:ike love, its not for me.

What i've gots to worry about is him coming home and seeing me like this. He'll break down my fucking walls again. Cos for SOME REASON he seems to be good at that. Maybe fate was telling me i'm not invincible.. or it was having abit of fun with me about my walls.. my walls i thought were so sturdy. Suppose i lost this time.

You know, i think i might hightail it up to DC soon. Why the fuck not right? i'm sick of florida and i've my people up there. Sure be nice to have my people around and they're used to me. Nothing suprises them and they know. They just know.

(in reply to RiotGirl)

Post #: 45

RE: think i'm going to die - 5/5/2006 6:43:59 PM

Rule

Posts: 10479
Joined: 12/5/2005
Status: offline

If you can move to DC, then why not can you move with your master to this other town? It is my impression that this has gone from bad to worse. I understand your defensive responses: you feel that your security - your master - has gone and that forces you to become assertive. I do wish that all this had not occurred, that there had been better and more communication between you and your master. Considering your angst of separation his decision to separate temporarily had to cause a crisis.

Any setback should be seen as a new opportunity. Have faith. Fear not. My best wishes accompany you.

(in reply to RiotGirl)

Post #: 46

RE: think i'm going to die - 5/5/2006 8:30:08 PM

Gauge

Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
Status: offline

Riot, whenever I get to a point like where you are now I tell myself to stop. I take a few steps back and look at things. I don't ever do things out of anger because I am not thinking clearly when I do that. My opinion may not hold much weight in your eyes, but I have learned that, in the great moments of haste in my life came the most profound mistakes. If you step back and take an objective look at things, you may still arrive at the same conclusion you are at now, but at least you know that you made the decision with a clear head.

My best wishes to you and my mailbox is always open if you are so inclined to use it.

_____________________________

"For there is no folly of the beast of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." Herman Melville - Moby Dick

I'm wearing my chicken suit and humming La Marseillaise.

(in reply to RiotGirl)

Post #: 47

RE: think i'm going to die - 5/5/2006 8:48:44 PM

Dustyn

Posts: 1044
Joined: 4/5/2006
Status: offline

Walls can't be broken down unless you want them broken down, usually by someone that you trust on an instinctive level... aggression is an excellent way of getting rid of frustration, fear and just about any other emotion that isn't simple to just pin down and face... been telling people this for years, and for some reason, I'm basically looked at like I'm some kind of an idiot... it's how I've stayed out of general lock down or psyche wards for the last almost 15 years...

you'll think clearer once the haze lifts... I know I always do... and I agree, people are so fragile... just can't play rough with them when you REALLY want to, so the inanimate is usually the better option... if all else, more readily replacable and/or repairable than a people is...

but fighting against crying is a sure way to cause emotional damage to yourself that may never heal... screw what you were taught about being a sign of weakness... you do what you need to so you can function in the universe at a level above coma patients...

- Dustyn

_____________________________

Mother is the name for God on the lips and hearts of all children.

Murderer?! Murderer! Let me tell you something about murder. It's fun; it's easy; you gonna learn ALL about it. - Tin Tin

Can you be more amusing?

(in reply to Gauge)

Post #: 48

RE: think i'm going to die - 5/5/2006 8:57:10 PM

NakedOnMyChain

Posts: 2431
Joined: 11/29/2004
From: Indiana
Status: offline

Hey hon', do you own boxing gloves? I know that sounds weird, but I used to have some serious depression problems, and whenever I'd get too fucking fed up I'd go down to the basement and punch the shit out of an iron support beam. The gloves keep your hands from getting ripped up. (I've done it without, and the pain's cathartic, but you regret it the next day.) Sometimes it does a body good just to kick the ever-loving shit out of something.

I wish you the best. I really do. If you need to talk, mail me.

_____________________________

"Oh, it's torture, but I'm almost there."
~The Cure

"I ask for so little. Just fear me, love me, do as I say, and I will be your slave."
~The Labyrinth

(in reply to RiotGirl)

Post #: 49

RE: think i'm going to die - 5/5/2006 9:01:58 PM

NeedToUseYou

Posts: 2297
Joined: 12/24/2005
From: None of your business
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RiotGirl

he's working out of town. hour a way. gas is high ect ect.. tolls. save 700 a month.

hmmm, none of my business really, but he's renting a place an hour away to save gas and toll money? Is he staying with a friend or something. Because that won't save much a day after rent utilities, etc.. on another place. Or does he drive a hummer or something?

If he is renting a place you'd end up saving just as much just quitting smoking.

Don't know all the specifics, but that could be a way to save money, without the whole moving thing. Cigarettes here cost about 3.50 a pack if you both smoke that's 7.00 bucks a day if you both just smoke 1 pack each a day. or 210.00 dollars.

Anyway, sorry, he's moving temporarily, but just thought maybe there were other ways to save the same amount of money.

(in reply to RiotGirl)

Post #: 50

RE: think i'm going to die - 5/5/2006 10:58:33 PM

RiotGirl

Posts: 3149
Status: offline

Alright, Himself has put down a few new rules. Granted i'm gonna feel foolish, but i thank him for it, so bear with me even if it drives you nuts and i've this feeling it will. LOL Alright beth, i'm here with ya - and as i told Himself.. this isnt gonna be difficult.. lots of concentration.. disrupting my speech and what not.

told you.. He'd come in and break down any walls this one managed to build up. He always does. But its good. this one feels better at this moment then she has felt since He told her. Right NOW. its okay. thin one feels ok. We talked again, cos other then being upset as this one was earlier something else came along and got her abit more upset. Which you wouldnt really think is possible.. but it is. this one just started to shut down. He knew it, but this one supposes hoppin in a car to take off didnt prove she wasnt. Not like this one could prove she wasnt, He knew when he called. Suppse Himself is right though, telling Him is just easier then catching an attitude and taking off. so We talked again. Of course. We've done alot of that. This one explained she was just sooooooooooooo totally scared. Didnt He know she's scared of everything? He says she needs to trust him more. She explained that its not Him she doesnt trust. But life. She went on to explain more. She thinks its rather safer to have His hands around her throat. He didnt particularly understand, citing the fact that He could hold it for too long, or accidently crush her throat (He used some word that starts with an L that this one cant spell). But no, that wouldnt happen. She KNOWS this. With Him, its okay, when He can control a situation completely this one isnt worried or afraid. When life, an impossible uncalculated risk gets involved.... He cant control life. This one doesnt trust much and she sure doesnt trust life. Screw that she isnt dumb. heck noooooo. So We talked. abit, alot, whichever. this one swears she can only handle things because of Himself. Even when she thinks she cant, He swoops in makes it possible.

Right now its okay. She's sooooo thankful for that, but she's not thinking ahead, no she doesnt want to ruin the moment, you know? Maybe, if she's lucky, and it looks like she might be, He'll implement a whole bunch of new rules before it comes time. If shes lucky, He'll tighten down around her, exert more control, get tougher on her. Something to hold on to, you know? Tighten his grasp on her while He isnt around. that would be lucky.. would make it easier this one thinks. So He's implemented new rules. This one, even though she is suuuuuuuure she sounds so darn foolish, is grateful.

This one thinks that with Him it is possible to be okay through this. She thinks that if she carries what she was carrying earlier.. the anger and use it to seperate her from Himself she wont be okay. She'll destroy herself from the inside out and if not, from the outside in. She's pretty good at destroying herself. Terribly bad, but He's helped her mostly get past it. Its not an unconscious thought anymore. she thinks.. she thinks.. He's gonna protect her, keep an eye on her while this happens. He wont let her run off to the wild.

< Message edited by RiotGirl -- 5/5/2006 11:03:27 PM >

(in reply to NeedToUseYou)

Post #: 51

RE: think i'm going to die - 5/5/2006 11:32:05 PM

RiotGirl

Posts: 3149
Status: offline

Rule - this one wasnt able to run off to DC, she was going to do it anyways. Hightail it really, leaving almsot everyting behind. Just GO. Basically saying screw this problem. Yeah it does feel like the security is going to disappear, not that being assertive would take its place. Nah. Something else, that she duns knows what it is. We are communicating, alot actually. Until this moment, this one didnt hear much of anything past "moving". No not really a crisis in general, one for this one though. Master takes everything in stride. He's pretty confident on the outcome she supposes and even confident that she can handle it. He's not worried abit and tells her she'll still see Him alot. she dunnos, He seems ok. She is just loing her mind, heh. Suppose He'll set this one right and make sure all is good before He leaves. LOL He keeps telling her to stop thinking of it as "leaving" (thanks)

Guage - this ones family has been telling her to sit on something for 2 days before she acts for ages. Usually its cos they've gone and pissed her off or done something to hurt her and she's blasting them in email. Rotten bastards that they are. this one wishes she could take an objective look at things, but right now she's so caught up in the whirl wind of emotions. You're opionon holds weight, why would you think it not?

Dustyn - this one soooooooo knows what your talking about. She's a great manipulater of some emotions. Like earlier, she flipped hurt into anger and raaaaaan with it. Heck this one would rather be angry then sad any day. Anger she can work through. Like today. This one played chicken with unsuspecting victems. Hey not her fault the fools were driving on HER road and there was tons of traffic. She cant hit 100 with cars in her way, plus its a two lane road, so she hops cars and inadvertently plays chicken. Arent you glad you dont live near her? W/e its not as terrible as it sounds, this onehas ood reflexs.. good at calculating things at lightening speed.. ect. w/e LOL hell if this one is going down.. so is EVERYONE else just to be mean. Luckily she's not = ) then she was able to race some on the high way..whew little bug cars go FAST. love racing.. then she went and 4 wheeled with an SUV o a dirty road. all the while being raging made and roaring along to the music = )

bed time

(in reply to Rule)

Post #: 52

RE: think i'm going to die - 5/6/2006 2:38:02 AM

Dustyn

Posts: 1044
Joined: 4/5/2006
Status: offline

Hey, don't sweat the small stuff, Riot... I've got the temper of a block buster nuke and the fuse of an already used firecracker... doesn't take much to set it off, 9 times out of 10... it's just easier to be angry... more energy to work with, even if it's on a destructive bent... hurt... pain.. grief... they just slow me down... and the slower I get, the faster that fuse burns...

I'd say email me if ya wanna vent, but... well... I deleted the profile... LOL got yahoo, if yer hard up to chatter, but that's yer call... standing offer, though...

- Dustyn

_____________________________

Mother is the name for God on the lips and hearts of all children.

Murderer?! Murderer! Let me tell you something about murder. It's fun; it's easy; you gonna learn ALL about it. - Tin Tin

Can you be more amusing?

(in reply to RiotGirl)

Post #: 53

RE: think i'm going to die - 5/6/2006 10:53:15 AM

FootQueen

Posts: 241
Joined: 12/13/2004
Status: offline

Hi Riotgirl,
Good to hear that at 5/5/2006 10:47:41 AM you were feeling a little better and even thinking about food. Hang in there girl!

Hmmm, now I'm thinking about food..wow! Actually I am starving...*giggling*
You know It's sometimes hard to find these forums that you commented on. Well, at least for me it is

_____________________________

Don`t engage in a relationship if there is no trust, for without trust there really is no relationship!

(in reply to RiotGirl)

Post #: 54

RE: think i'm going to die - 5/6/2006 11:32:45 AM

FootQueen

Posts: 241
Joined: 12/13/2004
Status: offline

Hi RiotGirl,
You say you have family up here in the DC area? Gurlll, what do you know about 14th street, Dupont Circle...etc?

I'm in the DC area... went to this place last night called Cafe U-Turn for happy hour and ended up dancing the night away and into the morning.

I am glad

to hear that you and your Master are communicating. That is always good. I don't think anyone is going to upset with you.
Peace!

_____________________________

Don`t engage in a relationship if there is no trust, for without trust there really is no relationship!

(in reply to FootQueen)

Post #: 55

RE: think i'm going to die - 5/6/2006 5:41:14 PM

RiotGirl

Posts: 3149
Status: offline

::sticks her tongue out to Master whose reading this::

::blows rasberries::

(in reply to FootQueen)

Post #: 56

RE: think i'm going to die - 5/6/2006 5:55:23 PM

Dom4TPE

Posts: 15
Joined: 7/9/2004
From: Palm Bay, Fl
Status: offline

To all that have spoken with my Riot.

This forum was just brought to my attention, and I think I need to shed a little more light on the subject. Ive been waiting on a job for 2 years. Finally I got a phone call to come in, I was "requested" for this position. The drive from here to work is 1.5 hours. Weekly, I go through $120 in Gas, $20 in Tolls.   And lets not forget about wear and tear on the vehicle.

The option arose for me, to move in with my folks, (My Father also works for the company). This will allow me to car pool with him into work, and I will no longer have tolls.   After all fees are looked at. Ill be saving $1K a month.

Currently Im a job contractor. Meaning, I go where the money is, whether it is an hour away, a state, or even a country. If they meet the dollar amount I go. Right now, with living arrangements, I am 1.5 hours from work.   1 hour from my Fathers. Its a giant Triangle.

Making this "temporary" move will only get Riot, myself, and her little one, closer to getting our own place, then we have ever been. Now that Im making some real money, that is dependable, and with the ability to save so much of it, its all up and up from here. Certain small things to be placed on the back burner, but nothing major. I do know how Riot feels about this whole thing, and although it pains me to do this, it is the most logical thing to do, also the smartest thing to do. Im tired of living with "parents", roommates, friends, etc.   Im 25 and both Riot and I are passed due, on getting on our own. To finally become something in this world, I need to do what I can, to make sure that both her and her little one, have a place to stay, and money for bills, food, etc....

If you want to call me an asshole, thats fine. Everyones entitled to their own opinion, is ashame that some of you are that ignorant. For those of that have comforted Riot through out this forum, I personally thank you, and also invite you all to open dialogue with myself.

< Message edited by Dom4TPE -- 5/6/2006 5:56:59 PM >

(in reply to RiotGirl)

Post #: 57

RE: think i'm going to die - 5/6/2006 6:09:46 PM

RiotGirl

Posts: 3149
Status: offline

this one apologize to all for cussing somuch (48 times) as its uncalled for and rude. this one also apologize to the people she played chicken with = ( a really really retarded thing to do. rah!

This one also wants to apologize to her Master (sorry sorry sorry!!!!) for letting her anger get away with her.

(in reply to Dom4TPE)

Post #: 58

RE: think i'm going to die - 5/6/2006 6:17:45 PM

kyraofMists

Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

Riot,

That sucks and I am sorry to hear that. Dealing with separation is not easy. I read some of your words and it is almost like you have taken my own inner voice and put it to print. Separation is hard and for me it has been one of the most challenging things of my life. But I know that it can work and it can be done successfully.

Wishing you all the best.

Knight's kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to RiotGirl)

Post #: 59

RE: think i'm going to die - 5/6/2006 6:19:56 PM

Dom4TPE

Posts: 15
Joined: 7/9/2004
From: Palm Bay, Fl
Status: offline

Riot and I are not Breaking up. I am not releasing her. I am making a temporary move, closer to my job, to save money for the duration of the contract.

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 60

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