Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

Helping partner top me


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Helping partner top me Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
Helping partner top me - 2/28/2011 11:58:23 AM   
BadassDorothy


Posts: 3
Joined: 4/8/2010
Status: offline 		Aim very interested in bdsm. I have had lots of fun in a previous relationship where I was given a chance to explore my dominant side, while also being dominated in return. I love my current partner and intend to be with him forever, and I'm allowed to see other women so I still have an outlet, but I want to share this with him. I know that he likes the idea of bdsm (I even have concerns that he might like inflicting more pain than I enjoy receiving) but he's not good at it. He won't let me even begin to dominate him, which would be fine if he was willing to truly dominate me, but he doesn't. I think a large part of it is a lack of creativity. He enjoys the things I Suggest usually, but I can't feel like he's in control if I'm constantly directing him. How can I help him become a better Dom?

Please don't reply with any suggestions that what I need to do is find someone else, as I said before I love him and I want to share this with him.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Helping partner top me - 2/28/2011 12:02:45 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		My first thought is that you might want to attend local groups with him. Let him see others' techniques, and maybe attend some training sessions.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to BadassDorothy)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Helping partner top me - 2/28/2011 12:03:35 PM   
poise


Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
Status: offline 		Loving someone means you will accept them for who they are and what they are capable of.
Perhaps be more submissive to him instead of finding fault in what he can't offer you?


_____________________________

When the path ignites a soul, there’s no remaining in place.

(in reply to BadassDorothy)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Helping partner top me - 2/28/2011 12:05:20 PM   
sofldan


Posts: 150
Joined: 11/15/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BadassDorothy

Aim very interested in bdsm. I have had lots of fun in a previous relationship where I was given a chance to explore my dominant side, while also being dominated in return. I love my current partner and intend to be with him forever, and I'm allowed to see other women so I still have an outlet, but I want to share this with him. I know that he likes the idea of bdsm (I even have concerns that he might like inflicting more pain than I enjoy receiving) but he's not good at it. He won't let me even begin to dominate him, which would be fine if he was willing to truly dominate me, but he doesn't. I think a large part of it is a lack of creativity. He enjoys the things I Suggest usually, but I can't feel like he's in control if I'm constantly directing him. How can I help him become a better Dom?

Please don't reply with any suggestions that what I need to do is find someone else, as I said before I love him and I want to share this with him.


You cant force someone to want to be dominate or to accept it. Its either something someone has inside them or they dont. If this is something new for you or him there are many great ways to educate himself about it. It may be fear that keeps him from doing it, it can be a myriad of reasons. But if he is truly interested start by education. Theres a book I was given when I started to educate myself called screw the roses send me the thorns. It may be a place to start.

It in my opinion is he is either interested in being part of the lifestyle or he does it to please you when you ask. Good luck.


_____________________________

Remember the fallen who gave all for our freedom. US Army veteran.

Hey lemme tie you up, all the cool kids are doing it!

(in reply to BadassDorothy)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Helping partner top me - 2/28/2011 12:12:03 PM   
BadassDorothy


Posts: 3
Joined: 4/8/2010
Status: offline 		I in no way want to push him, on the contrary I want to not need to. He does seem genuinely interested at this point or I would have never asked. When I buy a toy he asks about it, and once in awhile he will get it out of my toy drawer. I think he likes doing it, he just doesn't seem to have the knowledge so I suppose book or page suggestions are what I'm looking for. I think he would be hesitant to go to a gathering of any sort at this time.

(in reply to sofldan)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Helping partner top me - 2/28/2011 12:13:58 PM   
sofldan


Posts: 150
Joined: 11/15/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BadassDorothy

I in no way want to push him, on the contrary I want to not need to. He does seem genuinely interested at this point or I would have never asked. When I buy a toy he asks about it, and once in awhile he will get it out of my toy drawer. I think he likes doing it, he just doesn't seem to have the knowledge so I suppose book or page suggestions are what I'm looking for. I think he would be hesitant to go to a gathering of any sort at this time.


Try the book I suggested and it would be a start. http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_c_1_34?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=screw+the+roses+send+me+the+thorns&sprefix=screw+the+roses+send+me+the+thorns

Also a lot of great educational book on that page. *edit


< Message edited by sofldan -- 2/28/2011 12:14:54 PM >

_____________________________

Remember the fallen who gave all for our freedom. US Army veteran.

Hey lemme tie you up, all the cool kids are doing it!

(in reply to BadassDorothy)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Helping partner top me - 2/28/2011 12:17:04 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

My first thought is that you might want to attend local groups with him. Let him see others' techniques, and maybe attend some training sessions.

If we're talking about topping here, I agree completely with the above.  The 'lack of creativity' bit usually dissolves when people see other people using techniques.  There are a lot of opportunities to learn that are just for the asking.  (Most folks will feel it is a compliment.)

At the same time, that doesn't necessarily mean that your boyfriend is ready to step into that role.  Some folks go through a period of 'it sounds good' before they are ready to move onto 'this is fun to do'.  Some tops/Doms have a process where they have to accept that they can enjoy these things.  They may have to change their line of thinking a bit before they are actually ready to be sadistic with someone that the care about.

As for topping him, I'm not especially surprised that he's not willing to take the bottom/sub role.  Not everybody has an interest in switching.  Stick with what he is wanting to do with you and don't push him into the things he doesn't.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Helping partner top me - 2/28/2011 12:23:00 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		OP, I know that my respected posters above me have suggested going to public events for demonstrations and that is cool if you like the public scene. Since you mentioned he is hesitant to go to these events, that is not an option for you and him.

Also, books. They are conceptually a good thing, if someone wants to read them.

I disagree with your statement that you don't feel like he is control if you are directing him. Everyone has to learn with someone.

I have never been with a Dom who learned from watching others in public or reading a book. In fact, the most satisfying topping situation was with someone who I taught from scratch.

I can assure you I did not feel I was in control after he got the hang of it, despite me offering suggestions.

Don't take the roles so seriously that you miss the exploration together that you could be doing together.

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Helping partner top me - 2/28/2011 12:30:41 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1
Since you mentioned he is hesitant to go to these events, that is not an option for you and him.

I missed that being mentioned.  Is there more information on another thread somewhere?


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to sexyred1)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Helping partner top me - 2/28/2011 12:31:57 PM   
NihilusZero


Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		It seems (as others have suggested), what you're actually talking about is topping; in which case, he just needs to make an effort to learn certain skill sets to do specific things.

Since you seem to functioning on an otherwise equal ("vanilla") authority relationship, take the traditional reciprocal approach: he'll need to give this a whirl, with genuine motivation, because it's something that would make you happy. In return, ask him about something that he would like that you would initially be disinterested in, and put forth the same energy towards it you expect to get in return.

Ideally, the desire you each have to try and make the other happy should help fuel these endeavors.

< Message edited by NihilusZero -- 2/28/2011 12:33:03 PM >

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

CM Sex God du Jour
CM Hall Monitor

(in reply to sexyred1)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Helping partner top me - 2/28/2011 12:33:28 PM   
FukinTroll


Posts: 6277
Joined: 2/6/2007
From: Under a bridge
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BadassDorothy

Aim very interested in bdsm. I have had lots of fun in a previous relationship where I was given a chance to explore my dominant side, while also being dominated in return.


Overall, your post really strikes me as a guy using a sock puppet, but I am going to overlook that and move on.

quote:



I love my current partner and intend to be with him forever, and I'm allowed to see other women so I still have an outlet, but I want to share this with him. I know that he likes the idea of bdsm (I even have concerns that he might like inflicting more pain than I enjoy receiving) but he's not good at it.


Good at topping or just doesn't have the whole D thang? Seems like he has the whole sadist thang down... a bit beyond your masochist thang.

quote:


He won't let me even begin to dominate him, which would be fine if he was willing to truly dominate me, but he doesn't. I think a large part of it is a lack of creativity. He enjoys the things I Suggest usually, but I can't feel like he's in control if I'm constantly directing him. How can I help him become a better Dom?


What a head scratcher... I think both of you really need to step back and reevaluate your whole dynamic... more importantly you need to understand yourselves before you even try to figure out each other. Reading this is like watching fleas on crack trying to figure out what dog they are going to bite.

quote:


Please don't reply with any suggestions that what I need to do is find someone else, as I said before I love him and I want to share this with him.


Okay, go get some vocabulary and both of you discuss the new vocabulary. lemme give you some key words to use on the search filter, then you can book mark them and both of you can sit down and read them together and try to understand the little monsters inside you. Attaching the label Domme to yourself or Dom to him seems sooooooo far from the mark. Do some reading and see what resonates with you... there is no wrong way for you to get your freak on, it just may be different for someone else.
Top
Bottom
Dom
Domme
Sadist
Masochist
24/7 TPE
Dom/Domme relationships

By all means fellow CM'ers add to the vocabulary list.

Today's episode of Spank-a-me Street was brought to you by the letter F.



_____________________________

I'm the guy your girl is thinking about when she is fucking you!

TrollTopia
Greedy Groupie!

The Mods have me on speed Spank!! Gotta luv'em.

(in reply to BadassDorothy)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Helping partner top me - 2/28/2011 12:37:35 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1
Since you mentioned he is hesitant to go to these events, that is not an option for you and him.

I missed that being mentioned.  Is there more information on another thread somewhere?



Hi LadyPact, yes her post #5 states that he is hestitant to go to events at this time.

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Helping partner top me - 2/28/2011 12:46:31 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1
Hi LadyPact, yes her post #5 states that he is hestitant to go to events at this time.

See, I missed that.  I was typing a response at that time.  LOL.


ETA.....  In that case, you can try books, videos, communication sites, etc.  Topping is generally something that is easiest to teach hands on, but there can be some education on the matter. 


< Message edited by LadyPact -- 2/28/2011 12:48:35 PM >

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to sexyred1)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Helping partner top me - 2/28/2011 12:56:14 PM   
BadassDorothy


Posts: 3
Joined: 4/8/2010
Status: offline 		Yes perhaps your right I am more interested in a top than a Dom. Thanks for all constructive responses.

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Helping partner top me - 2/28/2011 1:23:08 PM   
Madame4a


Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline 		You might want to try Dossie Easton and Catherine Liszt's book "When Someone You Love is Kinky" ... he might get something from it.

And while you've said he doesn't want to go to public things, its really a good place to learn from others.

_____________________________

You're crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

(in reply to BadassDorothy)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Helping partner top me - 2/28/2011 2:13:46 PM   
stellauk


Posts: 1360
Status: offline 		You can also make friends with people who are into these things, and you needn't attend events to find them. If anything I'd say it's your friends and the people you know who are the best resource and source of inspiration you can find.

You could do exactly what you've just done, and come to a message board. You could both be here often. As long as you or both of you keep coming I'm sure you will find inspiration here.

(in reply to BadassDorothy)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Helping partner top me - 2/28/2011 3:54:53 PM   
ImaginativeWhims


Posts: 81
Joined: 2/8/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: FukinTroll

Today's episode of Spank-a-me Street was brought to you by the letter F.



... and the number 4.


But to address the initial concern here:

HEY!!!! I WAS THAT GUY ONCE!!!

Felt a little embarrassed about talking to others about it, but this wonderful wonderful book I found at a local bookstore called, "The New Topping Book" got the gears whirring. Now, if he's not wanting to look into it seriously then there's nothing you can do, just hump his brains out with the occasional slap and tickle and enjoy what you do have... just make sure your girlfriend is a rowdy bitch that keeps your ass bruised and brain satisfied.

Should be good. Yes.


_____________________________

I am inflexible in my needs, reasonably flexible in my wants and stand absolutely firm on my dynamic. -FT

(in reply to FukinTroll)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Helping partner top me - 3/1/2011 7:31:46 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

My first thought is that you might want to attend local groups with him. Let him see others' techniques, and maybe attend some training sessions.

This is how my (now ex) husband and I learned. He was more of a Top than a Dom.

Sure, I was uncomfortable the first time we went to a much, but we had each other and the people were very nice and welcoming.

I also bought several of the books mentioned above.


(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Helping partner top me - 3/1/2011 11:01:52 AM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BadassDorothy

Aim very interested in bdsm. I have had lots of fun in a previous relationship where I was given a chance to explore my dominant side, while also being dominated in return. I love my current partner and intend to be with him forever, and I'm allowed to see other women so I still have an outlet, but I want to share this with him. I know that he likes the idea of bdsm (I even have concerns that he might like inflicting more pain than I enjoy receiving) but he's not good at it. He won't let me even begin to dominate him, which would be fine if he was willing to truly dominate me, but he doesn't. I think a large part of it is a lack of creativity. He enjoys the things I Suggest usually, but I can't feel like he's in control if I'm constantly directing him. How can I help him become a better Dom?

Please don't reply with any suggestions that what I need to do is find someone else, as I said before I love him and I want to share this with him.


Walks away scratching my balls....muttering to myself "perhaps English is not her first language"
and she wants to spend the rest of her life with someone she hardly knows. ROCK ON

BadOne


_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to BadassDorothy)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Helping partner top me - 3/1/2011 5:55:40 PM   
sweetsub1957


Posts: 2201
Joined: 4/28/2009
Status: offline 		There are also the two books "The New Topping Book" and "The New Bottoming Book."

_____________________________

Member: Lance's Fag Hags.

"That's not just a chip on her shoulder, that's the whole potato!" ~Lady Angelika~

In lowering yourself to talking behind my back, you're perfectly positioned to kiss my ass.

An it harm none, do what ye wilt.

(in reply to SailingBum)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Helping partner top me Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.094