MaamJay
Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
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OP, as well as the suggested books and perhaps you could put on your big girl pants and be the first to attend a munch on your own ... then he might just be persuaded to accompany you next time (that's how I did it!), a good website with lots of info is albanypowerexchange.
We can't tell if he really does have a Top or Dominant hiding inside himself, he may do, he may not. But exposure to information and then having a SUPPORTIVE partner to try it out with is likely the only way he will find out whether he does or doesn't.
So how can you improve feedback during play without feeling like YOU are in control instead of him? Here's a couple of ideas:
1) Get most of your discussion out of the way BEFORE you play. Well before, preferably. Talk long and often about experiences, what has worked for you in the past, and why, and what hasn't and why. Talk about limits. Encourage him to take all this information, and use it to plan HIS own 'scene' or play session, so He can be pretty sure it will be OK with you, but it will be His plan. Talk especially about aftercare, what you AND HE need then.
2) Together devise a system of feedback that minimises what you have to say but gives Him necessary info during a scene. Safewords are obviously a help here, especially if you use the traffic light system and emphasise the middle colour (orange/yellow/amber, whatever you call it!). Agree to play till you call that middle colour - works especially well with impact play (which is where a lot of men seize up having been conditioned not to hit women). So He is to increase the intensity in the sure knowledge that when it's about as much as you can take you WILL call the safeword. And make sure you DO call it, perhaps even a bit sooner than max at first (or when you sense He is getting unduly nervous about going further). This should increase His confidence considerably that He is not REALLY hurting you seriously. The only caveat with this is if you are the type that floats off into subspace really easily and can't use a safeword for this type of situation. I also use a numbering system by which a sub can tell Me where they think they are for subspace levels, so I have their perceptions as well as My own judgement from observation. (Ask Me on the other side if you're interested in that, others have found it useful).
3) Make sure you both debrief every play session together. Some can do it straight away, after the aftercare, some need a day or 3 to process it all before discussing it. Find what works for you both and make sure you do it. Those who aren't good at putting it into verbal words may find writing it in a journal or email easier (both D and s). In fact, encourage Him to keep a Dom journal of His first steps along the journey (and you should do likewise), it's great to look back on, to see progress, and to pick you up if you have a 'failure'. I have found this is the best way to avoid misunderstandings and to build confidence and trust.
Good luck from here
Maam Jay aka violet[A]
_____________________________
Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)
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RE: Helping partner top me - 
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