RE: Responsibilities of a Top?

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0ldhen -> RE: Responsibilities of a Top? (3/8/2011 7:45:39 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LillyBoPeep you can totally uh... leave the bread off........... yanno? [;)] heheee (okay, i'll stop hijacking your thread. ^_-) Hmmm....how much mayo or salad dressing do I need to slather me up............

IronBear -> RE: Responsibilities of a Top? (3/8/2011 10:45:30 PM)
LillyBoPeep is admittedly very yummy and delectable..... well worth eating and nibbling very slowly..Perhaps I should smuggle her over here for regular snacking on and other stuff....

VaguelyCurious -> RE: Responsibilities of a Top? (3/9/2011 2:55:09 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: 0ldhen In truth it is up to each of us to define as clearly as we can our expectations in any gven situation and then hope we were understood. I think that's what it comes down to in the end, because each scene is a specific agreement on a specific day between two specific people, rather than a generic 'top' and 'bottom'. I've been avoiding answering your OP, because I find it actually a really difficult question - I tend only to play with people who are either my friends or people who I get on really well with and who I would like to become my friends, even if I haven't known them very long - that means it's difficult for me to separate out what I do because it's my responsibility as a top and what I do because it's my responsibility as a friend (or even just because I want to as a friend, no responsibility involved). Good thread, though, and it's sparked lots of interesting discussion. [:)]

0ldhen -> RE: Responsibilities of a Top? (3/9/2011 3:54:56 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: IronBear LillyBoPeep is admittedly very yummy and delectable..... well worth eating and nibbling very slowly..Perhaps I should smuggle her over here for regular snacking on and other stuff.... I'll by the plane tickets if you buy the oil......

0ldhen -> RE: Responsibilities of a Top? (3/9/2011 4:01:36 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious quote: ORIGINAL: 0ldhen In truth it is up to each of us to define as clearly as we can our expectations in any gven situation and then hope we were understood. I think that's what it comes down to in the end, because each scene is a specific agreement on a specific day between two specific people, rather than a generic 'top' and 'bottom'. I've been avoiding answering your OP, because I find it actually a really difficult question Good thread, though, and it's sparked lots of interesting discussion. [:)] Exactly, and to take that statement a bit further the same is true for almost any interaction bewtween two people who practice wiitwd, though in the case of long term relationships their time period may vary. You know it took me almost a week to decide how to phrase my question to avoid any misunderstandings or as LP put it any "my dog is better than your dog" posting. Thank you...blushes... And thank you so very much for deciding to participate, your input was very valuable here.

IronBear -> RE: Responsibilities of a Top? (3/9/2011 6:14:27 AM)
My friend you most definitely ROCK... Love your humor and love you way of putting things...

FukinTroll -> RE: Responsibilities of a Top? (3/10/2011 1:56:27 PM)
0ldhen the thread has been very enlightening. However I am not a Top, and could only contribute what I have from my "Label", it has indeed opened my eyes quite a bit. I would like to commend VC for pointing out the "Label" issue, but more importantly she made the distinction that it is a communication issue. It seems to me that a lot of people have avoided this thread as well as your other thread in ask a sub, and I am curious as to why. I cannot see where either thread is a "Your dog/my dog" thing. What is most important to me is that people identify with what they are and what they want. I can look at a number of members we have, I.B., LadyPact, SimplyMichael, MaamJay, to just name a few and be astonished and in a bit of awe over their topping prowess. I am comfortable in not ever having a desire to aspire to be a Top, but I do have a great deal of respect for the responsible Tops. It is a responsability that I have no desire or interest in. I can also see where someone would not want to be a D, it too comes with great responsibility. I can weigh what I have read from this thread versus my own experiences as a Service Trainer, and say that I have a bit of envy for the simplicity of the Top; The scene is laid out, negotiated, conducted responsibly, after care (if needed) is given and the experience is over, the memory carries with. However when I assume the responsibility of training a Service /s I have to become deeply invested in their lives and structure a life "with" them that is giving them the best rewards for the future lifestyle they are seeking. As you are well aware, it is phone calls throughout the day, occasional melt downs in the eve, texting, IM and scheduled weekend or week long in person training sessions. It is almost like training a boxer, you have to tear them down to the bone where only the submission remains and then build them back up again where everything I have been training them in, becomes second nature. For me to D and train a Service boy or girl takes a great deal of responsibility, and a lot of will power to keep in mind that this student is not for me, cannot be for me but I also get to make sure that they are going to a very good match for them. I choose all this willingly and accept all the responsibility willingly. It gives me warm fuzzies to see the student go from overwhelmed to exquisite over time. Sorry for the ramble, sometimes it is hard for me to ordinate everything concisely. However the thread has indeed shown me that I am happily not a top. YMMV SLURP~

LadyPact -> RE: Responsibilities of a Top? (3/10/2011 2:59:07 PM)
First, I'd like to thank you for the compliment, FT. I can't help with the question as to why some folks have avoided the thread. I don't know if it's specifically an avoidance or there are a lot of folks who don't see the distinction. A good number of folks don't have to look at the difference between the two because it's all rolled up in one for them. People who don't engage in casual play at all, the whole thing is a non issue. The same with folks who have no interest in the "play" aspect whatsoever and are focused on just authority transfer. What happens a lot is we tend to look at such discussions with the assumption in mind that the majority of Dominants top and a majority of tops happen to be Dominant. It can appear that the bell curve is evident. There aren't nearly as many folks who say that they only top or they are only Dominant (meaning they do not engage in bondage or sadism at all). A lot of people looking for partners don't just want one or the other. They want both. This means that some folks who are just one or the other either feel or outright get told by perspectives that they are lacking. (That means lacking in compatibility from their perspective.) Ergo, some folks aren't as confident about not being both. A quick word on this. We do the same thing from the other side of the fence. Some Dominants do not want someone who is just a service submissive who doesn't enjoy the play activities or folks who only want to play, but not submit have the same difficulty. Sure, you can beat a submissive who doesn't like it but if they are unhappy due to the 'play" they aren't going to be in the dynamic if they are not compatible. Hey, even as a poly person, I'll step up to the plate and say straight out that I prefer folks who are both submissive and masochists. I don't want to have to search for two people to fit My wants when I can have that all rolled up in one. When it comes to kinky folks, we have to realize that this isn't completely like folks who are searching for vanilla partners. The truth is that there are more vanilla folks than kinky folks in the world, so we have to accept that the pool of compatible people isn't that vast ocean that it is for non kinky people. Knowing that the pool is smaller to begin with (more males than females, let's take that as a given) making that pool smaller. When it seems like everyone on the opposite side is both and looking for someone who is both, not everyone is going to be as forthcoming when they identify just as one.

IronBear -> RE: Responsibilities of a Top? (3/10/2011 3:22:07 PM)
FT, you astound and enlighten me. Were it not legal for Trolls to inhabit bridges (Thw Bubyips have a strong voice in the Governments here) here, I would happily pay for you to be Service Trainer in residence although to be fair, your slurpiness may well be under threat from my male malamute who slurps everyone and washes faces and eyeballs from 3am on.. I have on occasions, voided discussions for the reason, I have nothing constructive to add to the posts or that the kink under discussion is not my kink. perhaps the reradon why so many have failed to contribute lays along those lines.

TotalDiscipline -> RE: Responsibilities of a Top? (3/11/2011 8:17:59 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: 0ldhen quote: ORIGINAL: TotalDiscipline Responsibility: caring for her. Thank you TD, which role are you describing here? this one >> RE: Responsibilities of a Top? I know..short answer..but it says all.

0ldhen -> RE: Responsibilities of a Top? (3/11/2011 7:48:23 PM)
THANK YOU to o LP, FT and IB for those three most amazing posts. The three of you rock! [sm=yourock.gif]

MaamJay -> RE: Responsibilities of a Top? (3/11/2011 11:20:02 PM)
Great thread! As usual, I agree 110% with LadyPact, Her initial post particularly summarised exactly what I would describe as the responsibilities of a Top. I speak as someone who has Topped, Dominated, bottomed and subbed/slaved so I think I have a reasonable handle on the differences! For Me, Domination and submission go beyond a one-time thing into regular everyday life on some level or another. The responsibilities (of both D and s by the way) are naturally greater for that ... as can be the rewards too (and the heartaches of course!). As far as Topping (and bottoming) are concerned, I think, as LP said, the Top has responsibility for the equipment, the preparations, what happens during the scene, the safety aspects etc, and for LEADING the negotiations before the scene occurs. The bottom has their own share of responsibility in ensuring the Top they propose to play with appears to be sober, in good control of their faculties, has done the necessary preparation, and has covered all the essentials in the negotiations (activities, limits, who can touch, how sexual it gets and aftercare needs). Now I am speaking here of a bottom who has NO other Dominant or Owner in the picture ... if they did, then that person would share some of that responsibility depending upon the kind of relationship they have. (I think that's where Spirited Radiance was getting a bit hung up all the way back on p.1 ... not every bottom is going to have someone else looking out for them). For Me, negotiating re aftercare is critical. I would expect to give aftercare as a Top ie I expect to have a blanket on hand, food, water, a quiet space for them to ground in, and for them to accept My presence, cuddles etc. In that it matters not if I only just met them that evening ... once play is over I feel incredibly connected to a person and so cuddling them feels absolutely right. So much so that I have also discovered in Me a NEED to give it. I am NOT happy, satisfied or in a feel-good Top space if the bottom I have just played with doesn't want aftercare and rejects it. So that has to be something that is negotiated beforehand and if the bottom says that from experience they hate aftercare ... the scene doesn't happen, I say thanks but no thanks. I also state from the outset that I will want a scene report within 3 days by phone or email ... to give the bottom due time to process what happened, how they felt, what they especially liked or disliked etc ... and a promise to contact Me sooner should they have any problems with drop (and I have explained about symptoms of that before we play too and repeat it afterwards). So even as a one-time Top I consider My responsibility doesn't end that day, I want and appreciate some degree of follow up. Those debriefings have been a wonderful learning tool for Me over the years. My preference is to be a Dominant with a 24/7 live in sub, but reality is that isn't possible right now even if I met the right one tomorrow. Whilst travelling, of necessity, the best I can hope for is to Top guys I meet along the way. My responsibility is to be the best damn Top I know how to be and to care for someone who chooses to bottom to Me. Hope that helps! Maam Jay aka violet[A]

0ldhen -> RE: Responsibilities of a Top? (3/12/2011 4:10:36 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MaamJay I speak as someone who has Topped, Dominated, bottomed and subbed/slaved so I think I have a reasonable handle on the differences! For Me, Domination and submission go beyond a one-time thing into regular everyday life on some level or another. The responsibilities (of both D and s by the way) are naturally greater for that ... as can be the rewards too (and the heartaches of course!). As far as Topping (and bottoming) are concerned, I think, as LP said, the Top has responsibility for the equipment, the preparations, what happens during the scene, the safety aspects etc, and for LEADING the negotiations before the scene occurs. The bottom has their own share of responsibility in ensuring the Top they propose to play with appears to be sober, in good control of their faculties, has done the necessary preparation, and has covered all the essentials in the negotiations (activities, limits, who can touch, how sexual it gets and aftercare needs I also state from the outset that I will want a scene report within 3 days by phone or email ... to give the bottom due time to process what happened, how they felt, what they especially liked or disliked etc ... and a promise to contact Me sooner should they have any problems with drop (and I have explained about symptoms of that before we play too and repeat it afterwards). So even as a one-time Top I consider My responsibility doesn't end that day, I want and appreciate some degree of follow up. Those debriefings have been a wonderful learning tool for Me over the years. One awesome post from a very talented and curvalicious Lady! Thank you so very much. I especially like the part I bolded, what a wonderful way to do a follow up, I bet your lucky playmates so appreciate that from you.

LillyBoPeep -> RE: Responsibilities of a Top? (3/13/2011 5:14:50 PM)
that is pretty awesome, MaamJay, i have to agree. i once played with an out-of-towner who was ridiculously intense. lots of weird stuff got stirred up in my brain, and, in person, he said he would contact me later to see how i was, or that i should feel free to contact him. well i did, and his response was basically "i'm too busy to talk to you right now. feel better. bye." haha live and learn! =p i decided i probably wouldn't play with an out-of-towner again (i should add -- if i had no reason to believe the person had integrity or would stand by his/her word). a lot of people aren't after energy exchange, or any degree of mutuality. they want to take what they want, and give nothing back. people like that have no place in my universe.

Arturas -> RE: Responsibilities of a Top? (3/13/2011 6:16:58 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Jennislut ok, from my very limited experience, a top's responsibility is to do to me what i want done to me. i don't know about aftercare, i have never needed any - perhaps the play was not intense enough, i don't know Agree! Tops and Dom's differ in that key area. The Top is asked by the bottom to do something (to the bottom) with the bottom even calling many or even most of the shots or few of them except to outline what is allowed and not allowed. However, the Dom is someone who has planned a session with a submissive in mind and the submissive only has made the Dom aware of all her likes and dislikes way before hand but has no idea what will happen or in what order. The Dom creates the scene including music, pre-plans most of if in detail and orchestrates this sometimes several hour drama from beginning to end. Safety responsibilities are shared in a top/ bottom session since the bottom is calling many of the shots. However, the Dom is totally in charge and responsible; it is not unlikely the submissive in a Dom'd session will be flying and unable to control anything and is at the mercy of the Dom. The Dom must be able to make judgements of the submissive's state and change up the session as needed and even bring the submissive down safely. Here is the definition of each, Dom and top as well as the BDSM master from the web that I happen to agree with for what that is worth... quote: The top is the actor within the BDSM context who applies to the bottom partner(s) the techniques of a sexual, sensual, and psychological activity: flogging, bondage, servitude, or humiliation. The dominant controls the BDSM scene or relationship, exercising authority over the submissive partner(s). A dominant who exercises control over a large percentage of a submissive's day-to-day life, or within a formal framework of rules and rituals, is a master or mistress.

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