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Punishing a new sub for the first time. - 3/3/2011 10:56:37 PM   
watersign69


Posts: 16
Joined: 2/21/2011
Status: offline 		Any ideas on what I could say to my sub before I spank her for breaking my rules ? I'm not new to the the life style, I just want to here from Dom's and Subs on there opinion and what they would say or do.
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RE: Punishing a new sub for the first time. - 3/3/2011 10:59:27 PM   
myotherself


Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline 		Assuming she is aware that she has broken one of your rules and she knows that a punishment will follow...

Then surely the only grown-up way to deal with this is to tell her what she did wrong, tell her what the punishment will be, and that afterwards you will be moving forward and not dwelling on mistakes?

YMMV

_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk


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RE: Punishing a new sub for the first time. - 3/3/2011 11:05:50 PM   
watersign69


Posts: 16
Joined: 2/21/2011
Status: offline 		I agree. My subs are familiar with my rules and the punishments that follow. What I'm trying to say is , my new sub is a little fire ball. She has this (something about her). She has not broken any of my rules yet and I'm not sure If i want to punish her if she was to . I fear this could be a problem but I am stuck here.

(in reply to myotherself)
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RE: Punishing a new sub for the first time. - 3/3/2011 11:16:00 PM   
myotherself


Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline 		If you have rules, and she breaks them, what are you going to do then?

Not everyone has a punishment dynamic - maybe you just want to discuss what happened and agree a way to move forward so that it doesn't happen again. I know a lot of couples who work like this, and they're happy.

In my relationship if I break the rules I am punished. As much as I hate the punishments, I'd struggle to respect a man who says one thing and doesn't follow through on what he says. I need structure and boundaries, and I need consistency.

If she has agreed to follow your rules on pain of punishment of some sort if she breaks them, then you are letting her - and the relationship - down if you don't follow through.

Punishment doesn't need to be physical, it could be writing lines or an essay, corner time, doing a task she doesn't enjoy like cleaning the oven until it shines.

It sounds like you are pretty smitten with her, which is totally allowable. But don't forget that you are in a D/s relationship, and it takes both of you to maintain that, even if at times it's hard work and not all sunshine, cuddles and giggles.



_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk


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RE: Punishing a new sub for the first time. - 3/3/2011 11:23:07 PM   
watersign69


Posts: 16
Joined: 2/21/2011
Status: offline 		Thank you , i really needed to here that. The last thing I wan;t is for any of my subs to think I'm not a man of my word and not respect me. I know what must be done. I must say that being able to come and seek help like this really does help allot. I am grateful and feel blessed to have such a wise community available.

(in reply to myotherself)
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RE: Punishing a new sub for the first time. - 3/3/2011 11:44:12 PM   
SpiritedRadiance


Posts: 1341
Joined: 3/3/2010
Status: offline 		You broke rule X, Why did you do it? (is the reason to you something beyond her control or something she could have controlled) This is the (first second third 90th) time youve broken this rule. (if more then once) do you feel this is a rule you can submit to? (honest answer the rule might be something that interferes in a way it wouldnt for your other girls)

Because youve broken rule X your punishment will be Y. I know that this isnt fun for either of us and I would prefer to not have to do it but because you broken rule X there has to be a consequence to your actions.




_____________________________

"Theres nothing in life like the feeling of cool leather sliding over your skin, the tears that fill your eyes as you realize someone else thinks you deserve it even if you havent reached that conclusion yet"- Forever to remember 11/5/11

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RE: Punishing a new sub for the first time. - 3/4/2011 12:08:37 AM   
MrRodgers


Posts: 10542
Joined: 7/30/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: myotherself

Assuming she is aware that she has broken one of your rules and she knows that a punishment will follow...

Then surely the only grown-up way to deal with this is to tell her what she did wrong, tell her what the punishment will be, and that afterwards you will be moving forward and not dwelling on mistakes?

YMMV

Getting there yes, she knows but instead you ask..."You know why you are getting this don't you ?" "Yes sir."
"Why ?" Because I was disobedient." "Yes."
"You understand how exactly how it was that you were disobedient ?" "Yes sir."
"Good, then what do you say slave ?" "Thank you master." "Thank you for what ?"
"Thank you master for showing how I was disobedient and the punishment I am about to feel."
"You are welcome slave...drop them, bend over and grab your ankles."

Once done...it is done.

(in reply to myotherself)
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RE: Punishing a new sub for the first time. - 3/4/2011 12:20:53 AM   
watersign69


Posts: 16
Joined: 2/21/2011
Status: offline 		Very nice!, similar to what I would say and do!

(in reply to MrRodgers)
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RE: Punishing a new sub for the first time. - 3/4/2011 12:57:58 AM   
SpiritedRadiance


Posts: 1341
Joined: 3/3/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MrRodgers

Getting there yes, she knows but instead you ask..."You know why you are getting this don't you ?" "Yes sir."
"Why ?" Because I was disobedient." "Yes."
"You understand how exactly how it was that you were disobedient ?" "Yes sir."
"Good, then what do you say slave ?" "Thank you master." "Thank you for what ?"
"Thank you master for showing how I was disobedient and the punishment I am about to feel."
"You are welcome slave...drop them, bend over and grab your ankles."

Once done...it is done.


What if they dont know what theyve done? Or what if something honestly prevented them from following a particular rule?

The thing with rules with anything is Life happens... Things can and do get in the way of what we want to. Things wed rather do more then anything else in the world but life comes first. Im not going to tell my boss No I cant make that meeting because My Dom has a rule that every day I must call him at 2 pm. Im not going to tell my ill mother, Sorry I cant take you to the doctors because my Dom has a rule that I have to ask him before I leave the house.




_____________________________

"Theres nothing in life like the feeling of cool leather sliding over your skin, the tears that fill your eyes as you realize someone else thinks you deserve it even if you havent reached that conclusion yet"- Forever to remember 11/5/11

(in reply to MrRodgers)
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RE: Punishing a new sub for the first time. - 3/4/2011 1:10:06 AM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline 		Tell her:

It's a punishment spanking.
It's supposed to hurt as much as your disrespect for me and my rules did.
It is recompense, a payment, to balance the scales so neither of us ever hold anything against each other.
After your spanking, your payment will be complete and this matter forever closed.   
If you clench your cheeks, it will hurt even more. 
Hold on now, this is gonna' hurt a lot!

< Message edited by ResidentSadist -- 3/4/2011 1:13:37 AM >

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I give good thread.

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RE: Punishing a new sub for the first time. - 3/4/2011 2:07:49 AM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline 		I don't get why this is an issue. If you know she's someone who will have issues, why are you pushing? Why not recognize where she is, and work from there. It sounds like you are asking someone to congugate Latin verbs who actually speaks Russian. Switch to Russian or begin at the beginning of Latin.

You choose to be with this gal for a reason - seems you like her spit-firedness. Enjoy it.
best,
sunshine

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Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

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RE: Punishing a new sub for the first time. - 3/4/2011 3:07:55 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		You're trying to find a reason to punish her when she hasn't done anything wrong?
Why not try something novel like asking her why she couldn't follow the rule? Are you giving a list of a dozen new rules a day in order to insure she'll forget? Because if she fails, that means you've failed to help her succeed.

You may have had a dozen previous subs but every person is different. Some take longer than others to get things down word perfect. Have you reminded her about them when you can see she's overwhelmed? Have you broken them down into simpler steps if needed so she can understand them?

Beyond that, if you spank her for punishment don't expect her ever to enjoy it. And if you just want to spank her, then why seek a reason to call it punishment? Why not introduce it as something fun instead?


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Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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RE: Punishing a new sub for the first time. - 3/4/2011 3:48:52 AM   
peppermint


Posts: 5169
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline
quote:

She has not broken any of my rules yet


Rather than assume she will break a rule and you need to figure out punishment in advance, why don't you assume that she will never break a rule and figure out a way to praise her for being such a good girl? 

(in reply to watersign69)
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RE: Punishing a new sub for the first time. - 3/4/2011 5:42:14 AM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		I actually wonder why any Dom/Master/Top would air their dirty or soon to be dirty laundry in a public place. If I had posted this, and my girls read it here I would expect to loose every ounce of respect I may have had in their eyes. In my eyes this shit stays in house behind closed doors and only to be made public when and if it becomes obvious I had fucked up and needed some one to explain where I went wrong and what I could have done differently for a better result. This is a bit like making an armed withdrawal from a bank and heading to the police station saying arrest me I have the bank cash for my bail. 

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

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RE: Punishing a new sub for the first time. - 3/4/2011 7:46:33 AM   
stellauk


Posts: 1360
Status: offline 		A D/s authority transfer dynamic, like any sort of relationship, is about being, as opposed to hypothesizing.

A sub breaking any sort of 'rule' calls everything into question, not just the submissive and her behaviour, but also the rule, the relationship, and the dynamic.

Whichever way you look at it the responsibility is shared in a dynamic between Dominant and submissive. This means that every success is shared, and every failure is shared.

If you have a dynamic based on rules and punishment, surely this is known to both and agreed upon beforehand, yes?

Then why the need to involve a third party in the dynamic?

_____________________________

Usually when you have all the answers for something nobody is interested in listening.

(in reply to watersign69)
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RE: Punishing a new sub for the first time. - 3/4/2011 8:08:02 AM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: watersign69

Any ideas on what I could say to my sub before I spank her for breaking my rules ? I'm not new to the the life style, I just want to here from Dom's and Subs on there opinion and what they would say or do.


Greetings,

Your question would leave me visibly concerned. If the punishment's goal is behavior modification, I can't fathom why you'd need to solicit outside opinion. It would appear that there's a developmental flaw in your process. You desire to exact an act that has no verifiable purpose save its occurrence. You need to go back to the drawing board.

Namaste,

~porcelaine


_____________________________

His will; my fate.

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RE: Punishing a new sub for the first time. - 3/4/2011 8:15:49 AM   
DevilishEnvy


Posts: 48
Joined: 2/16/2011
Status: offline 		I always make my slave kneel to tell me what she did wrong and why she did it wrong before I administer punishment. But we have written rules and when she breaks one, I tell her immediately. It is a good idea to enforce things efficiently. She may not pay then, but she knows she will before the end of the day.

In certain situations though, some rules aren't as rigid. Like in front her parents. She still gets punishment, but not of the same severity as willful disobedience.

(in reply to porcelaine)
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RE: Punishing a new sub for the first time. - 3/4/2011 8:36:15 AM   
UKEvolutionary


Posts: 60
Joined: 11/20/2006
Status: offline
quote:

She has not broken any of my rules yet and I'm not sure If i want to punish her if she was to . I fear this could be a problem but I am stuck here.


What ?? Ok, so don't punish her ... keep on letting her get away with things without any punishment, get married, have kids .......... Oh excuse Me, that's My Vanilla side talking !! Oh look, the lady who's got that certain something has walked away !!!

I must admit, if this question had been posed by a "new" Dominant, I could understand it a lot more, and be a lot less "judgemental" but you say you're NOT new to BDSM ?? If this is the case ....... you don't understand the dynamic.
Sorry if this post seems rude but this is just My opinion.

(in reply to DevilishEnvy)
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RE: Punishing a new sub for the first time. - 3/4/2011 9:00:28 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

She has not broken any of my rules yet and I'm not sure If i want to punish her if she was to . I fear this could be a problem but I am stuck here.

No you're not. you're only stuck if you buy into "the rules"

For starters...

Do you want her to obey or not? If so, then why allow disobedience to start with?
One of the ways to slice the pie here in BDSM-land is to say that some relationships allow disobedience and some don't. The ones that allow disobedience do so in the form of statements like, "Do X or I will punish you." The dominant in that case is giving two valid choices to the sub. The obvious question is, "If you don't actually want her to disobey, then why are you giving her that choice?"

Assuming you decide your OK with her disobeying, then why punish?
So you've decided that some amount of disobedience is allowable. But you still don't need to punish. Why not simply say, "Look, I expect you to obey. I get it that you're not perfect but the expectation is of obedience." Still no need for punishment.

What actually happened between Carol and I is that I collared her and about 3 months after that she was rebellious. I punished her by shutting her in the bathroom kneeling on the floor in the pitch black for an undetermined amount of time (until I came to get her). When I did come to fetch her she was repentant, but I realized that this was no way to spend the rest of our lives. So I changed the rules. "From now on mine, you are to simply obey. I'm not going to play punishment games with you. If you want to be mine, then you need to act like it." That's worked for 3 years... no more disobedience.

Unless fear of the crop is the only reason that your sub obeys you then you do have other tools in your tool box. Sit down. Figure out what they are. Then use them.

~Jeff

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to watersign69)
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RE: Punishing a new sub for the first time. - 3/4/2011 9:17:04 AM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: UKEvolutionary

I must admit, if this question had been posed by a "new" Dominant, I could understand it a lot more, and be a lot less "judgemental" but you say you're NOT new to BDSM ?? If this is the case ....... you don't understand the dynamic.
Sorry if this post seems rude but this is just My opinion.


The theory of dominance and its application are often worlds apart. The greater the first the quicker I move in the opposite direction.

Namaste,

~porcelaine


_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to UKEvolutionary)
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