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Single Mothers - 3/6/2011 10:57:17 AM

DapperDom30

Posts: 10
Joined: 3/8/2009
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I am moving towards a relationship with a single mother. Her child will always come first, I understand and respect that. She has strong need to submit, and wants back into the lifestyle. Due to her situation, I don't want to move things along too quick, nor appear too distant. Im also a little concerned about a submissive that has a young child (less than a year), and the hormonal/mental changes that comes with childbirth and being a new mother. Can anyone offer any advice or past experiences when combining the lifestyle and a single mother / new mother?

Thanks,

Dapper

Post #: 1

RE: Single Mothers - 3/6/2011 11:02:10 AM

leadership527

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Her child will always come first, I understand and respect that.
OK if that's how you both want it but not really necessary. I would've gone with the tack that says "I own her and the child both... both of which comes with a RAFT of responsibilities"

the hormonal/mental changes that comes with childbirth and being a new mother
You're making too much of it. This sounds like 1950's "medicine" to me. Just think of her as a person with a new and intense devotion/obligation in her life. There's no need to have concern unless you run afoul of maternal instincts. Are you planning on doing that?

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to DapperDom30)

Post #: 2

RE: Single Mothers - 3/6/2011 11:15:15 AM

DapperDom30

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quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

the hormonal/mental changes that comes with childbirth and being a new mother
You're making too much of it. This sounds like 1950's "medicine" to me. Just think of her as a person with a new and intense devotion/obligation in her life. There's no need to have concern unless you run afoul of maternal instincts. Are you planning on doing that?

Jeff, thanks for your input.

No, I’m definitely not planning on interfering with her maternal instincts or responsibilities. As far as the 1950's medicine goes, I think there is a wealth of conflicting information in regards to what happens both physically and mentally to woman that has given birth. Since I obviously haven't gone through that myself, I figured the board would be a good place to see what others in our community have experienced.

< Message edited by DapperDom30 -- 3/6/2011 11:18:01 AM >

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Post #: 3

RE: Single Mothers - 3/6/2011 11:21:11 AM

leadership527

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*nods*

Don't get me wrong, there ARE things which happen. And yes, some of those things are driven by some hormonal changes. But honestly I've been through it twice and I didn't observe my ex to become someone different than she already was. What I saw was the same old person who suddenly had a new love and new responsibility. So my advice is to not get mired up in "hormonal changes" -- which for most of us is akin to saying "evil spirits". Just go ahead and think of it at the obvious level. She's a woman with some other priorities in her life.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to DapperDom30)

Post #: 4

RE: Single Mothers - 3/6/2011 11:25:04 AM

DapperDom30

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Ok I see your point now.
Much appreciated.

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Post #: 5

RE: Single Mothers - 3/6/2011 11:32:10 AM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DapperDom30

I am moving towards a relationship with a single mother. Her child will always come first, I understand and respect that. She has strong need to submit, and wants back into the lifestyle. Due to her situation, I don't want to move things along too quick, nor appear too distant. Im also a little concerned about a submissive that has a young child (less than a year), and the hormonal/mental changes that comes with childbirth and being a new mother. Can anyone offer any advice or past experiences when combining the lifestyle and a single mother / new mother?

Thanks,

Dapper

Having more than a decent spoonful of children, I think it's a good idea to be asking.

I have no advice at all 'though maybe a little insight. Being the SOLE feeder/carer for a small infant is responsibility that's OFF the scale.

Yes, I advise( especially if you're NOT the father!) taking a big old dose of *wait a fucking bit*. If you ARE the father, then I'd advise the same.

Feeding, caring for, guiding, doing *right by* your kid/kids is a drive no-one with any sense would challenge.

BDSM, D/s is as good as the life you've had the bollocks to create and substantiate , and all you have to KNOW is what you're prepared to do/bear/suffer.

No-one makes any of us STAY here,if you'd never advocate this for your kids, I think that's a deep shame.

agirl

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Post #: 6

RE: Single Mothers - 3/6/2011 11:36:39 AM

SylvereApLeanan

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~FR~

One thing that comes immediately to mind is that you'll need to take her energy level into account. My oldest didn't sleep through the night until he was almost two, so she may be getting up at 2:00 am for a feeding and diaper change. If that's the case, she might be more tired than you expect. She may not feel up to playing as often as you want, or she might need extra help with the household chores, so she's not worn out if you want to play later.

Every woman's body is different, but I know mine was more sensitive to touch for almost a year after the birth of my kids. If you're into impact play, you may have to start light and work up to more heavy impact. Take your cues from her and check in often.

That's all I can think of off the top of my head but I'll let you know if I think of more.

_____________________________

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Grumpy Cat is my spirit animal.
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"There's something that doesn't make sense. Let's go and poke it with a stick."— The Doctor

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Post #: 7

RE: Single Mothers - 3/6/2011 11:38:54 AM

ClassAct2006

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Is she still breastfeeding?
Is she back at work and if so full or part time?
How many days a week is the child with its father?

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Post #: 8

RE: Single Mothers - 3/6/2011 12:29:05 PM

ResidentSadist

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From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
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Kids don’t come first around here . . . the family does.

Like it was in my parent’s house and their parent’s house, the family came first and the kids were a part of the family, not its priority. The family was run by the head of the house and we were taught to contribute and participate, like setting the table at dinner etc. We had duties to perform, protocols to follow and rewards for doing so.

In my house, it is the same, even if I was the new dad to a woman and her children. Once, a newcomer’s older daughter asked why mom called me “Sir”. It was explained that Sir means gentleman and it was polite and respectful. Kids were taught respect and to call me as well as people in public sir or ma’am. Good ol' fashioned manners go a long way.

With good manners, respect and an old fashioned attitude of family first, with you as head of the family, there should be no conflicts in your lifestyle fitting your home life. In my experience, you can make your “house” a home.

_____________________________

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I give good thread.

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Post #: 9

RE: Single Mothers - 3/6/2011 12:35:41 PM

DapperDom30

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Joined: 3/8/2009
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agirl,

Thank you for the insight. Im not the father, and I the *wait a fucking bit* approach is the one I am currently taking.

Sylverë,

I have considered the energy level bit as well, although maybe not to the degree that you mentioned. I appreciate the reminder, I'll keep that in mind going forward.
The sensitive to the touch part is quite interesting. I know she hasnt played since she had her child, and she is really longing for a spanking, so I will definately watch for her cues should it come to that.

ClassAct,

She is not breastfeeding. the father is not involved at all, but she has a very supportive family.

(in reply to ClassAct2006)

Post #: 10

RE: Single Mothers - 3/6/2011 12:41:09 PM

porcelaine

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Joined: 7/24/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DapperDom30

Can anyone offer any advice or past experiences when combining the lifestyle and a single mother / new mother?

Greetings,

I have written in the past about my little legacy. I'm going to offer you some timely advice from an individual that spent a lot of years doing this while raising a child singlehandedly. The most important thing you must realize is the level of commitment the child requires. I think you're cognizant of this on some level, but there are mitigating factors. Her support network is paramount. Is she on her lonesome (completely) or blessed with others that will readily assist when needed?

You didn't indicate if you have children of your own, but I think this is a very important issue that you shouldn't ignore if that is not the case. If you're childless you're undoubtedly accustomed to movement when desired. That is not the world most parents reside within, including those that operate a two person household. There will be moments when plans unravel and she's unable to find an adequate sitter. Of course the latter can be offset if you're prepared to pay for those services. Can you honestly handle this?

I caution against you positing that you own the child. My suggestion is that you acquaint yourself with the reasons behind her situation. It can be a very dicey subject. I do agree that you're embracing a level of responsibility by getting involved. Allow the relationship between both to unfold in a natural pace. It is my sincerest belief that it takes an amazing individual to care and love your children in the manner that you do. You'll gain her respect if you make her feel comfortable and offer some measure of security. That can be fleeting when your shoulders are heavily burdened.

For all intents and purposes know what you're walking into. Gather your information regarding the estranged parent and his level of influence and contact if any. Honestly assess if you're prepared to make the sacrifices that the situation might require. Now, from a personal perspective I went about my relationships a little differently. Yes, she was my priority. It was not her choice for me to embark on a path that may bring that into question. Honoring my commitments was a duty I refused to compromise. Also, I didn't entertain men with children. The external factors presented potential stresses that I had no desire to embrace.

In terms of support, I had a great deal and my freedom was not compromised. My mother resided five blocks away and there were periods of time where my daughter was in her company. I managed to attend BDSM events, travel, work a demanding job with too many hours, volunteer, and participate in social outings. It is a matter of priorities, time management, and making certain that you have your resources in order. She has now reached the ripe age of twenty and life has taken on a different bend. I share this with you to illustrate that it can work. But it requires a solid commitment on both ends for mutual enjoyment. Best of luck.

Namaste,

~porcelaine

< Message edited by porcelaine -- 3/6/2011 12:42:45 PM >

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Post #: 11

RE: Single Mothers - 3/6/2011 12:41:35 PM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DapperDom30

I am moving towards a relationship with a single mother. Her child will always come first, I understand and respect that. She has strong need to submit, and wants back into the lifestyle. Due to her situation, I don't want to move things along too quick, nor appear too distant. Im also a little concerned about a submissive that has a young child (less than a year), and the hormonal/mental changes that comes with childbirth and being a new mother. Can anyone offer any advice or past experiences when combining the lifestyle and a single mother / new mother?

Thanks,

Dapper

Omg here's a can of worms.
First off; i have raised three singlehandedly. That it was so was out of choice as I have never found a man up to it, or able to make a positive contribution, not even the fathers, whilst living under my roof.
The extraordinary experience of childbirth itself, which is one experience men are denied, created a quite different kind of conscousness within me. I suppose on a bad day I have had others call it depression but I absolutely recoil from the clinical diagnosis of it as such.
In each case, (three children) I didn't really sleep through for around two years each child. In terms of empathy my empathy centred almost entierely upon the child. I had hypervigilence, the need to oranise almost to the point of OCD And I also went back to work a few weeks after each birth, returning to lecturing.
I also....you want more?....passed courses and exams in clinical hypnosis and psychotherapy.
Now I know I and other women can be that strong. I know that this often excluded what I perceived as male incompetance, lack of sensitivity and obsolesence. Sorry you have to read this if you have read it so far.
It's not always the case though. That was just me.
having young persons around now, because kids are for life not just for the summer holidays, means that any feint hearted man, whatever side of the kneel they are on, will find it, and did find it, very hard to deal with feelings of exclusion and inadeuqacy.
I'm not saying that this will be the case for you.
My hormones meant that for two years after childbirth I was extraordinarily flexiable, (came in useful for dance tarining) and also that my pain threshold was very good. If that's a plus point.
But in terms of power? No one tops me in my relationship to the kids.
Play by the way went out of the window for around two years in each case.
I never felt the need to be rescued or cared for.

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Post #: 12

RE: Single Mothers - 3/6/2011 12:43:33 PM

ResidentSadist

Posts: 12580
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From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline

But Prinny . . . how can you submit if you don't submit?

_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

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Post #: 13

RE: Single Mothers - 3/6/2011 12:55:19 PM

FukinTroll

Posts: 6277
Joined: 2/6/2007
From: Under a bridge
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DapperDom30

I am moving towards a relationship with a single mother. Her child will always come first, I understand and respect that. She has strong need to submit, and wants back into the lifestyle. Due to her situation, I don't want to move things along too quick, nor appear too distant. Im also a little concerned about a submissive that has a young child (less than a year), and the hormonal/mental changes that comes with childbirth and being a new mother. Can anyone offer any advice or past experiences when combining the lifestyle and a single mother / new mother?

Thanks,

Dapper

First of all I want to commend you for bring D enough to come here and ask. Knowing that you are not all knowing is a fukin fantastic first step.

We do not have enough information to really offer good advice. We need to know more about the dynamic... D/s M/s, BDSM... what's going on?

The two of you really need to communicate your NEEDS and then understand the wants. The NEEDS are first and must be met, and a sapling is going to have more NEEDS than either of you.

Is the other parental unit a sperm-donner, father or a daddy? What is his level of commitment/interaction? This will have a great deal of bearing in your dynamic.

What kind of support system does she have? Friends family, how much do they know about her proclivities and how much should they never know. One sure bet you have with saplings is they will always say the wrong things to all the right people.

That is a good start. Answer the above the best you can and you will get a lot of advice, good, bad or indifferent.

YMMV

_____________________________

I'm the guy your girl is thinking about when she is fucking you!

TrollTopia
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The Mods have me on speed Spank!! Gotta luv'em.

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Post #: 14

RE: Single Mothers - 3/6/2011 12:57:23 PM

ClassAct2006

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I'm slightly biased but I think sexy feminine women are more likely to have chldren than not and that it's great she has a child. I much prefer fathers.
Also much depends on the baby. Mine were feeding to sell over a year and not sleeping much (I was married then) and we both worked full time. If she doesn't work and the child sleeps then that' s a very different life and probably easier for you.
If the baby isn't still breastfeeding then it might be easier for her to be apart from it, although not necessarily particularyl if she doesn't leave it to go to work so I suppose you need to be sensitive to that.
In terms of physical BDSM things her body will probably still be recovering for a bit.
Also just be cautious is a man/meal ticket has just dropped her and his child then she might rushing to latch on to a substitute for the wrong reasons so just be careful, particularyl if she doesn't work.

(in reply to ResidentSadist)

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RE: Single Mothers - 3/6/2011 12:58:39 PM

FukinTroll

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SylvereApLeanan
a year after the birth of my kids.

The DNA will prove nuthin! Troll DNA is elusive, but I did try to get it to mimic Donald Trumps... how did that work out?

SLURP~

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I'm the guy your girl is thinking about when she is fucking you!

TrollTopia
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The Mods have me on speed Spank!! Gotta luv'em.

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Post #: 16

RE: Single Mothers - 3/6/2011 1:03:07 PM

SylvereApLeanan

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quote:

ORIGINAL: FukinTroll

quote:

ORIGINAL: SylvereApLeanan
a year after the birth of my kids.

The DNA will prove nuthin! Troll DNA is elusive, but I did try to get it to mimic Donald Trumps... how did that work out?

My kids have better hair than The Donald. Fortunately, they show greater resemblance to their Sidhe ancestors than the Troll side.

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Grumpy Cat is my spirit animal.
Shadow Governess & Mean Girl

"There's something that doesn't make sense. Let's go and poke it with a stick."— The Doctor

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Post #: 17

RE: Single Mothers - 3/6/2011 1:09:07 PM

FukinTroll

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From: Under a bridge
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SylvereApLeanan

quote:

ORIGINAL: FukinTroll

quote:

ORIGINAL: SylvereApLeanan
a year after the birth of my kids.

The DNA will prove nuthin! Troll DNA is elusive, but I did try to get it to mimic Donald Trumps... how did that work out?

My kids have better hair than The Donald. Fortunately, they show greater resemblance to their Sidhe ancestors than the Troll side.

You have no idea what this statement just did to me.... *shivers*

ETA: For what it is worth, it had me so fu-duck-ered up I couldn't even type right. Worse than normal.

< Message edited by FukinTroll -- 3/6/2011 1:14:04 PM >

_____________________________

I'm the guy your girl is thinking about when she is fucking you!

TrollTopia
Greedy Groupie!

The Mods have me on speed Spank!! Gotta luv'em.

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Post #: 18

RE: Single Mothers - 3/6/2011 1:11:56 PM

SexyBossyBBW

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quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527
Her child will always come first, I understand and respect that.
OK if that's how you both want it but not really necessary. I would've gone with the tack that says "I own her and the child both... both of which comes with a RAFT of responsibilities"

I'm going to disagree with this, because the OP states, this is a newly forming relationship.   No one would be allowed to meet/intervene with my little one initially.

I am a single mom, and my little one is not a baby.   I think, as a responsible, and grown adult, it is possible to have a relationship, and be a parent at the same time.   No one has to be pronounced as having priority, since it should not be a contest.    I can make time for dates, and have a boyfriend, and I am a mom 24/7, and that doesn't take away from my being a lady and potential lover to a gentleman.

I would not introduce a new man to my little one, unless/until, I felt he would be a kind person, and a positive/neutral influence to the little one.   If a grown man, feels he needs to compete with a child for love, he isn't all grown up yet.   I say this, because I can go on dates, and do my thing, and I can be a mom, and it has not been an issue, ever.

Having said that, I've read many profiles that state, my little one will always come first, which gives me pause... To me, it comes across like an adult who doesn't set boundaries, and doesn't feel he/she can run a house, with a partner and a little one at the same time. I've talked to men, whose times are completely manipulated by their daughters (only my experience), that I've actually never gotten to an actual date with a man, who has little ones still home, or nearby.   I cannot say I respect the type all that much, because I find that parents ought to have boundaries with their little ones, but YMMV.   My little one has to respect that I may have things to do, that don't involve him; my little is is to respect all people, as long as they behave respectfully.   I, or my trusted family members are the disciplinarians.   My long term partner may become one in time, but not when they initially meet.

quote:

the hormonal/mental changes that comes with childbirth and being a new mother
You're making too much of it. This sounds like 1950's "medicine" to me. Just think of her as a person with a new and intense devotion/obligation in her life.

I agree completely with this part. M

< Message edited by SexyBossyBBW -- 3/6/2011 1:20:45 PM >

_____________________________

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(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 19

RE: Single Mothers - 3/6/2011 1:14:03 PM

SylvereApLeanan

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From: Hell
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quote:

ORIGINAL: FukinTroll

You have no idea what statement just did to me.... *shivers*

Now that was temptingly vague. But I don't want to derail the thread further by asking.

_____________________________

Sylverë
Dark Muse
30 Fluffy Points
Grumpy Cat is my spirit animal.
Shadow Governess & Mean Girl

"There's something that doesn't make sense. Let's go and poke it with a stick."— The Doctor

(in reply to FukinTroll)

Post #: 20

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