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stellauk -> RE: "Selling" your fetish (3/17/2011 6:37:34 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: pinniped
I don't insist that she has to be into exactly, and only, the kinks that I'm into...but I do think it's vital that she not reject kink out-of-hand.
I see where you're coming from but I admit I don't understand this determination that it should be always related, always come together and always be discussed at the same time.
I see it differently.
When you go out for a meal in a restaurant you are hardly if ever making your decisions on the entire meal itself, but on one part of that element of the meal.
Let's say you go for a steak. You don't think about the side salad, the fries, condiments or other stuff because it's the steak which you are thinking about.
Generally I find the same is true about people and relationships.
I'm a playwright connected with theatre and the performing arts. Don't have an issue with getting bums on seats because I know that some of the people are generally willing to come and see what is being presented because it's my name on the billing. Others are coming for the same reasons, but not because of me but who is appearing on stage. This is irrespective of genre and content of what is staged.
Generally between people I find usually the first thing which seriously attracts someone to you is what exists between your ears, how that functions and how you function as a result.
Theoretically finding the potential for a relationship with me is very simple. You just have to find my mind. That can take as little as 200 words, either written or spoken.
I have found this to be generally true of most people and there have been cases where I've gone online, picked out a profile, studied it, walked away from the computer, thought about it, made initial contact and within a couple of hundred words - no more than about six messages - I have a domme considering the potential of a relationship with me.
It's also happened on the other side of the kneel, mainly with a couple of male submissives. Not even one word of kink was ever mentioned or discussed in the process. Therefore this is not a gender issue, at least not from what I can see.
But progress is slow, despite the fact that I'm very much open at this moment to exploring my domme side, am spoilt for choice when it comes to mentors, and I'm more than happy to get involve in a bit of the 'do me' stuff just for the experience.
I'm not bothered about the kinks or the fetishes. To be honest I'm not even that bothered about the dynamic, I'd be more than happy to be submissive to a domme or a domme to a submissive and not even think about being on the other side of the kneel.
To me it really is all about the person, it's about acceptance, it's about communication, it's about understanding, and it's about liking the person enough to want to get to know them better and become more familiar and more intimate. I need to see that both ways and for the right reasons and motivations.
The difficulty exists on both sides. Most people aren't prepared to make the effort to establish a basic connection in the way I need and want, but that saying I am making it more difficult for them by being so specific from the outset and refusing to compromise on the basics and I admit this openly. I've reached the age where I would rather be alone than in another dysfunctional or unfulfilling relationship. My choice, my responsibility, and I accept the consequences.
Now if you were to approach me with everything you, your character, your needs and information about your kinks and gender issues it's too much and I will back off. You see in the initial stages of a relationship it's important to know the difference between speculation and negotiation.
I am just speculating, but you want to negotiate. I don't want to negotiate, and I just see someone as you as someone who is unable to just chill, go with the flow, and let things take their natural course. Do I want to be developing even friendship with someone like that? No way. Why? My experience has taught me that my friendship with such people goes nowhere.
I can tell you point blank where your issue lies - it lies in your gender issues. You keep coming out with the fact that you're transgendered and into crossdressing and want to be feminized and yet you sit back enjoying the cushy social privilege of being a heterosexual male, not making any noticeable effort to deal with this issue and you're expecting a woman to do it all for you.
I'd like you to pause for a moment and compare notes with someone like Otter, who - if I had to make a choice out of everyone on this site who I admire the most - would win hands down.
Why? Because he's actually got up off his butt and done something about it. I'm posting on info I've gleaned from his posts but he's actually faced up to the issue, gone down the transition route, which in itself takes courage, but more than this he's also had the character, integrity and guts to turn round, stop the process and say 'this is me'.
I can give you another example in IsaNova who is prepared to give up everything and become homeless just to get to grips with who she is, and who came onto the boards and asked and is learning from the advice given.
These are just but two examples. Go browse the Trans section on the other side and you will see many more. Read the profiles.
I'm not saying you have to go through the transition, only you can decide that for yourself but generally breathing the word 'feminization' to a woman signals a major issue which is going to make her shut down. Why? Because femininity is individual, it comes from within, and if you don't make any attempt to embrace it or express it it throws up too many doubts and poses way too many questions, especially when you talk about it in general terms with crossdressing.
These are the questions which in your case need far more specific answers, and you need to be the one finding those answers, not leaving it to someone else to work out.
You can take these words for what they're worth, accept them, reject them, it's your thread and it doesn't bother me one way or the other. Start another thread if you like. It doesn't matter.
The bottom line - in my honest (judgmental) opinion - is that while you continue to sit back in your cushy male privilege, not make any effort, and make the feminization of you (and your gender issues) a primary objective of the relationship, then you're not going to get anywhere with any woman, or person, dominant or otherwise.
Selling yourself isn't so much of what you say, it's what you do, have done, and have achieved.
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