stellauk
Posts: 1360
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'Everywhere people stare each and every day
I can see them laugh at me and I hear them say
Hey you've got to hide your love away...'
The Beatles
I think it's best that I start off by prefacing what I'm posting here to say that what I write here is purely expository, it's not a whine, a rant, or an opportunity to bitch. I'm just sharing my own experiences and relating, offering a different perspective.
It's long and it's not the best organized of my postings. I could have written much more but I've tried to keep it as brief as possible.
I'm not in any way Socially Privileged but a Marginalized Person, and sacrificed that long before I started to transition and openly admit that I'm transgendered. I've other social markers which in the eyes of some put me further down a perceived social hierarchy - artist, not HWP, homeless, immigrant to name but a few.
Part of my life has been one of restrictions, constant explanations, fears, trust issues, and I can experience prejudice, discrimination and hostility in almost any aspect of my life. I often avoid making first time contact with cisgendered people face to face, and one of the first lessons I learned when coming out is the difference between the way men are perceived to the way women are generally perceived and that generally the best response is to just suck it up and deal with it.
You get some people who say 'yeah, it's only online, and if you can't handle it best switch off the computer and get out in the real world'. Oh I agree, but the thing is I don't get treated the same way in the real world without having to make some effort and the Internet to me is a necessary tool for making contact with people prior to meeting in real time. Generally it's the only place where I can find myself on a level playing field.
But this isn't just about me. There's many other people who are in the same or a similar situation, and they're not necessarily transgendered. Some are disabled, some are mentally ill, some are homosexual, some are survivors of domestic violence, abuse, office bullying. People can be stigmatized for a vast multitude of different reasons, and many of these reasons may not be visible or apparent at first glance. The stigma might have been because of something in the past, and all it takes is a simple sentence, or even a phrase to trigger flashbacks, bad memories, reinforce negative opinions which affect someone's ability to perceive themselves realistically.
Also often it's other people who are generally perceived to be socially advantaged, and this includes white cisgendered cissexual middle class males who can be stigmatized. What's more people can stigmatize themselves internally for so many different reasons you can write a book about it. Then there are other people who perhaps aren't stigmatized themselves but they are close to someone who is stigmatized for some reason and it doesn't matter, the words are still painfui, they still hurt.
There's no such thing as a typical internet bully, and there's also no such thing as a typical victim of internet bullying.
I experience attacks every so often, both online and offline. Maybe I'm lucky as I rarely get stalked, probably I'm not attractive enough. Usually it comes in the form of random attacks, and I am every so grateful to Wikipedia for deleting the entry someone once wrote about me. They wrote that I was transgendered, and that page was subject to hundreds of attacks every week. Sometimes I am subjected to sustained harrassment, and the problem was much worse when I was looking for a job. In the end I gave up and decided to become self-employed.
The thing is, it doesn't matter whether it's online or offline, words such as 'I think it should be legal to murder people such as you and I would love to do it' mean the exact same whether they are written in an e-mail (where I received it), received on a text message (I have received similar threats) or spoken to your face (nobody has ever found the courage yet). It still comes from a real person, it still carries the same emotion, feeling, intent.
You can dress it up as much as you like as bluntness, directness, honesty, frankness, but there's such a thing as tact and consideration of your audience and this is part and parcel of what effective communication is really all about.
Communication isn't just about expression, it's also about the effect on the other person. There's also such a thing as delivery, and I've spent countless hours over the years in rehearsal studios watching actors preparing roles agonizing over how best to deliver spoken dialogue and how different ways of saying things determines how other people perceive their character and role.
There's also such things as projection, the non verbal communication, the emotion, intent and feeling which goes into words. Some people think it doesn't matter online because there's no face to face contact and you don't get to see facial expressions, gestures and body language. But it does matter and it can be just as easily identified from the context of what is expressed. Actors do this consistently being able to develop entire characters and roles from written dialogue and stage directions. Trust me, people don't need to meet you or even see you to be able to determine who you are from what you write and express online.
And quite often it has the same effect as if you've said it to their face.
This used to seriously affect me. I would suffer a complete loss of self-esteem, self-confidence, I would withdraw, avoid contact with people and this is how I got into binge eating. I would keep myself locked away, isolated, not going out for days, not eating, and then when I was starving and weak I would go out buy a couple of bags of food and just eat. There are times when I have thought about suicide, times when I just wanted to die, go to sleep and not wake up.
My own response made it worse. I've gone through periods of being alone, of needing support and help and not finding it, and then other times when I have reached out after such an attack and experienced a further attack or abuse. I learned pretty quickly to cope on my own, do stuff on my own and still when I have serious problems I won't reach out, but will isolate myself, shut myself off and somehow get by on my own.
There is one difference between online communication and face to face communication. Face to face you get the immediate effect, see the response and see how the person copes with what you express. You get the opportunity to apologize, but most of all you get to be able to explain 'I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking' or 'I'm sorry, I'm having a bad day. Take that back.'
You don't get this online. Your words stand, and in writing they stand for much longer than if they were spoken. Furthermore it's not possible to write without some attempt at thinking. Therefore it's generally taken that written words have been considered.
Also online you never get a true picture of someone else's reality. You're not there in their living room, office, bedroom, or wherever they use a computer. You don't know what is happening in their day, you don't get to see the three flying ducks above the mantelpiece, what brand of coffee they keep by the kettle in the kitchen, or any of the other little signs that go together to make up a life. You can only go on what they say and express.
It's like when people say 'if you want to get to know me read my posts on the message board'. Well yes, it's good if you enjoy making people play detective but personally I find the best way of getting to know someone is through direct communication, and I certainly wouldn't put too much stock in what people post here. People come here and post for different reasons, some are bored, some are lonely, some are just out to kill time, and some are genuinely troubled and emotionally upset, especially when they're posting about their own problems.
Some people hide behind masks, not necessarily because they are being dishonest, but because they are shy, they are socially awkward, they have self-esteem issues. Not everybody is extroverted, not everybody is that good at expressing themselves through writing, and not everybody who looks attractive thinks of themselves as attractive.
Some people read things wrong or have difficulties understanding what is written. I recently advertised online for a black actor and one of the first responses was 'I'm a white actor but...' Generally speaking other people perceive you differently to the way you perceive yourself. This is the biggest issue in itself when it comes to such matters as internet bullying, discrimination and dealing with people's prejudices. You might think you're not being a bully, but you might be perceived as one if the other person misinterprets what you express. It cuts both ways, I've come across cases of discrimination which aren't cases of discrimination but someone expressing a personal preference.
From my perspective I would say that most of the discrimination I experience is either unintentional or the other person didn't stop to think before saying something. Only in the minority cases is the discrimination a premeditated attack and it's usually someone who is insecure about their own gender identity or sexual orientation or a closet transgendered individual who hasn't got the guts to face up to their issues and be themselves. Some of it is Horizontal Hostility from someone else who is marginalized.
Furthermore that Social Advantage which is so often perceived is an illusion. It doesn't exist. Everyone is an individual human being, and generally everyone is surrounded by people who love them, people who like them, people who don't, and people who just don't figure.
I'm grateful to these internet bullies even for what they have taught me, how they have developed my character even further and how they have influenced and changed the way I communicate with people.
My experiences have taught me various things. The first is that people who make personal attacks are generally arguing from a position of weakness and that people who think it's funny to ridicule someone over their appearance or identity generally has a mental age of 13. It's also taught me to try to be a bit more compassionate when dealing with people, to express negative opinions and anger through humour, and that tact is an essential part of being direct and critical.
I also don't waste time trying to find fault or apportion blame, but instead to seek solutions to problems. In terms of my own personal issue I try and do what I can to minimize it as an issue and accept things for what they are.
The thing is I can't prevent any of the prejudice or discrimination against me, the only thing I can do is decide whether to let it make me a victim or whether i can use it as an opportunity to become a survivor.
I've chosen the latter route and have decided to turn the table on the internet bullies who now have no other effect on my life but to share their own insecurities and fears and weaknesses with me. It doesn't change who I am nor does it really affect what I'm doing in my life.
If you look at it from another perspective I'm the one with the advantage. I guess compared with others my life is relatively idiot free because the idiots tend to reveal to me that they are idiots on first contact. To me being an idiot is like being a victim, it's a matter of choice.
My response to my experiences is to continue being a dedicated campaigner for civil rights and social justice developed alongside my artistic work. At the moment in time much of my work is advocacy and lobbying. I work alongside and in cooperation with other campaigners and organizations but have my own individual strategy.
Some of these changes have taken place since I've been away. While I am still supportive of LGBT issues I no longer actively campaign on LGBT issues but instead have switched my focus to the deeper issue of gender equality, marriage equality, poverty and human rights issues. I have retired from public life and brought everything - my artistic work, social activism and civil rights activism - into one new non-profit organization and rather than seeking publicity and campaigning I have adopted a 'seen to be doing' approach and developing an organization of different people working to promote culture.
I've joined a political party and am gathering political support for my work and hopefully next week will receive the branch nomination for the election of a new role of Equalities Officer on the constituency executive committee which is tied in with the new Equalities Act. The elections are in late May and I've already started working on my campaign. This doesn't mean I have political ambitions, but am seeking cross party support for cross-cultural projects which promote diversity and social unity.
As I stated at the start this isn't a rant, a whine, because I'm no longer occupying a position of struggle, but have largely overcome such issues and am now in a position of power.
I'm writing this because there are people who 'lurk' on these message boards who maybe don't have the confidence or courage to post but who come and read what other people post. Some of these people may themselves have experienced internet bullying, harrassment, stalking, as have I'm sure some of the regular posters to these boards.
It's important to remember when it comes to internet bullies, stalkers and other dysfunctionals who plague these sites that it's not about you, it's about them in fact it's all about them. The best response is no response because if you do respond you're just feeding their issues. Try to avoid the mistakes I made in the past and reach out to people, never be afraid to share what you are going through or reach out for some much needed external validation.
These people are generally insecure, afraid, hurting and bitter. They're so desperate for attention that they will accept negative attention. If you are attacked report it, keep records, reach out to people, and do not feed them attention.
I'm not sure elsewhere but in the UK there isn't an organization specifically dedicated to bullying but this issue is being addressed with the coming of the Equalities Act and the new Human Rights Act and I know first hand that bullying, harrassment and discrimination is a major concern of all the major political parties in the UK including the Government.
If you feel you are being bullied or harrassed online either here or elsewhere and you want help or support please feel free to message me. Internet bullying is part of social stigma and one of the key roles of my work is effectively tackling social stigma and social exclusion. As it happens I'm working on a proposal for the Government who have identified the promotion of diversity as an objective for the proposal.
Any messages on this subject will be of course strictly confidential.
'Gather round all you clowns
Let me hear you say
Hey, you've got to hide your love away..'
The Beatles
< Message edited by stellauk -- 3/10/2011 6:56:45 PM >
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