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[Poll]

Selfish~Self-Centered~Selfless

Selfish

68% (22)

Self-centered

9% (3)

Selfless

21% (7)

Total Votes : 32

(last vote on : 4/22/2011 3:41:04 AM)
(Poll will run till: -- )

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RE: Selfish~Self-Centered~Selfless - 3/16/2011 2:47:29 PM

LadyRian

Posts: 486
Joined: 9/5/2010
Status: offline

Selfish.
I won't accept substandard behaviour from anyone, beginning with myself.

If I let my own personal standards start to slip, I feel this causes me to become weak, and if I can't respect myself, how can I expect anyone else to respect me?

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"Dodging bullets since 2010"

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Post #: 21

RE: Selfish~Self-Centered~Selfless - 3/16/2011 2:50:17 PM

rick1283

Posts: 223
Joined: 2/17/2011
Status: offline

I'd say I'm pretty damn selfish.
Yes, I respect hard limits, insofar as they do not interfere with any of my major kinks!
If my kink is your limit, gtfo, there may be a chance for something casual every now and then, but there will never be a true D/s relationship.

Soft limits... THOSE are fun! Push and prod, see how far it goes, and ideally break it without breaking the sub (permanently, anyways).

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 22

RE: Selfish~Self-Centered~Selfless - 3/16/2011 3:13:23 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

I disagree that selfish always means self aware. Unfortunately, I find that's rare.

Otherwise, yes to both of us being selfish and being compatible in that. If I'm getting what I want and he's getting what he wants, then we're both happy.

However, and there has to be a but in it somewhere, what you're missing here is that for a lot of us s types, him getting what he wants is what we want. And that puts a different spin on it. There are a lot of things I don't enjoy in and of themselves, but I enjoy his enjoyment of them. For that matter, watching a high school football game, freezing no matter how many layers I have on is not something I would normally enjoy. I loved every moment of it while my son was playing, okay except for the game when it was sleeting. That was half fun for being there for him, and half misery.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 23

RE: Selfish~Self-Centered~Selfless - 3/16/2011 3:17:25 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

This literally just got moved as I had started typing. I'm glad I spotted it in time.

You did a great job with these definitions. (I do appreciate the mention, btw, thank you.) The irony is that most folks do tend to see the terms in a different light than what you are explaining here. We usually look at a term such as selfish as being a negative and selfless being a positive. Without the given explanations, the discussion would have sunken quickly.

For the dynamic part, I think you pretty much hit the nail right on the head. This may be very much why I'm so strong on the compatibility issue. I always tell people that, if they are looking at potential Owners, if they are looking at Me, they had better be sure that it is what they want. Once they've signed up for it, what they have seen is exactly how it plays out. This is why I still prefer using periods of consideration because I want someone to know precisely what this is and how we are going to obtain it.

Almost sounds like it's crossing into self-centered, but it's really not. Two reasons for this. The first is that if it's really what the s-type wants and craves, it can be pretty damn awesome. This isn't to say that I believe submission is always going to center around what the submissive wants and everything is going to be done their way. It's not, but the right compatibility match is going to make the times they actually submit very rewarding.

The other is that I don't view the dynamic as an island. The selfless part; the part that prevents Me from becoming the self-centered has everything to do with the community. There has to be just that little dash of selflessness added to the selfish soup so it doesn't become too bitter and be a pot of self-centered. That's part of why the leather culture is a good fit for Me. It keeps Me in balance, in a sense. Stops Me from going too far in the other direction.

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Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

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(in reply to FukinTroll)

Post #: 24

RE: Selfish~Self-Centered~Selfless - 3/16/2011 3:26:26 PM

FukinTroll

Posts: 6277
Joined: 2/6/2007
From: Under a bridge
Status: offline

Awesome reply LP. I am so glad we got to talk about it a bit before I actually got to the posting stage. The conversation we had the other day, built on the chat I had with Greedy and a few other folks from the site and it finally culminated or congealed into something tangible that I could express.

You are spot on where the dynamic has to feed into one another. It is not ever going to be perfect, and like DesFIP said; there is a lot of shyt she just doesn't like to do. However it can be exceptional all the way around, not perfect, but I will take exceptional over blah or miserable any day.
YMMV
SLURP~

P.S. Made the call to Rescue Team Alpha to see if we can put this somewhere a little more constructive for the community.

_____________________________

I'm the guy your girl is thinking about when she is fucking you!

TrollTopia
Greedy Groupie!

The Mods have me on speed Spank!! Gotta luv'em.

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Post #: 25

RE: Selfish~Self-Centered~Selfless - 3/16/2011 3:33:21 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

depending who I interact with, time of day, my mood, etc....I'm all of the above. There are moments when I am incredibly self centered and selfish. Master would probably say that I am very selfless because he knows that I try to help people when I can and I do absolutely anything that I can possibly do for him and more if I could. But if he really thinks about it, he'd have to admit that there are times when I think only of myself lol.

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 26

RE: Selfish~Self-Centered~Selfless - 3/16/2011 3:48:58 PM

soul2share

Posts: 7084
Joined: 12/18/2007
From: somewhere out there.....
Status: offline

Add me to the list of selfish folks....in the fact, that like others here, I refuse to settle for second best. I have before, and it totally sucked. I am selfish in the fact that I have admitted that I too have needs, and that they must be met. After all, it is a 2 way street. I deserve to ba taken care of as much as I'm taking care of someone else!

I'm selfless in the fact that I will give 110% of myself to someone, often overlooking myself. This is true of things that aren't even BDSM related, just things I've done for friends and family. I have a nurturing side that isn't used very much.....so when I get the chance, it makes me feel great!

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I have to stop saying "How stupid can you be?"...people are starting to take it as a challenge!

*Not a fuck was given.*

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 27

RE: Selfish~Self-Centered~Selfless - 3/16/2011 3:53:39 PM

soul2share

Posts: 7084
Joined: 12/18/2007
From: somewhere out there.....
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: needlesandpins
Now... making love is true Elysium. Warm breath across sweat beaded skin, soft lips searching urgently to be satiated by burning desire, quivering fingers dancing delicately across impassioned flesh... the air becomes electric, the energy of two bodies enraptured in the moment... eyes, windows-- deep pools of sultry hunger gazing into the soul. The heart pounds like a hammer against the ribs, breath catching in the throat, the head begins to swim, the fog encroaches... we slip away, as if into a warm bath-- deep into that spiritual connection. We float above mortal coiled flesh as one being...we arrive in that place eluded to but rarely acheived... one soul dwelling in two bodies.

BTW.....this part.....holy crap!

::THUDSPLATPUDDLETHUD::

_____________________________

I have to stop saying "How stupid can you be?"...people are starting to take it as a challenge!

*Not a fuck was given.*

(in reply to needlesandpins)

Post #: 28

RE: Selfish~Self-Centered~Selfless - 3/16/2011 3:54:50 PM

domiguy

Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline

selfless.

(in reply to soul2share)

Post #: 29

RE: Selfish~Self-Centered~Selfless - 3/16/2011 4:05:35 PM

gungadin09

Posts: 3232
Joined: 3/19/2010
Status: offline

Multiple options weren't allowed, or else i would have picked all three.

pam

(in reply to LadyRian)

Post #: 30

RE: Selfish~Self-Centered~Selfless - 3/16/2011 4:32:12 PM

Jennislut

Posts: 234
Joined: 2/24/2011
Status: offline

i am very selfish. i want what i want - i hope she enjoys what i want, but that is secondary to me.

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i just popped in to say

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Post #: 31

RE: Selfish~Self-Centered~Selfless - 3/16/2011 4:36:57 PM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

Hell, I am a selfish bitch

And quite happy to admit it. I know what I want and am not willing to settle for anything less than that. I am one of those who, if I don't get what I want from a relationship, then there is not going to be a relationship.
To that end, I am single by choice simply because I have never met another man who could temp me to get on my knees for him.

Maybe one day; I really don't hold my breath though.

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Post #: 32

RE: Selfish~Self-Centered~Selfless - 3/16/2011 5:05:03 PM

barelynangel

Posts: 6233
Status: offline

I am selfish and that is wrapped up in my being slave. I need a man who is selfish with regard to me. Why do i clarify because i am slave and i am selfish. To me slave is a concept that is really is about about getting her needs fed, and her needs usually are focused on him. So i want a Man who is selfish to me because that is what i need to be selfish and his selfishness feeds my need to be selfish. So his primal (as Fukintroll put it) instincts actually feeds my slave needs so that i won't leave his ass to search for someone who will feed my needs.

It sounds a whole lot less if today was tomorrow yesterday... in my head. Not sure if it makes sense.

angel

< Message edited by barelynangel -- 3/16/2011 5:06:03 PM >

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What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
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Post #: 33

RE: Selfish~Self-Centered~Selfless - 3/16/2011 5:11:18 PM

FukinTroll

Posts: 6277
Joined: 2/6/2007
From: Under a bridge
Status: offline

Makes good sense doll. I am very happy that you posted. You identify as a slave and understand that a slave needs to be selfish about who they give their all to. I hope more /s' that identify as slaves read your words and heed the wisdom of them.

SLURP~

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The Mods have me on speed Spank!! Gotta luv'em.

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Post #: 34

RE: Selfish~Self-Centered~Selfless - 3/16/2011 5:29:27 PM

SillyIllySally

Posts: 10
Joined: 6/11/2010
Status: offline

Somewhere on the twisting road from selfless to selfish. There may or may not be a detour to self centered followed by u-turn!

(in reply to FukinTroll)

Post #: 35

RE: Selfish~Self-Centered~Selfless - 3/16/2011 6:37:44 PM

MaxsGirl

Posts: 355
Joined: 12/2/2010
From: The Arctic Circle
Status: offline

I agree with FT, but also with Leadership. I am extremely selfish, but in my relationship my selfishness extends to Alpha. What we want (and, more importantly, what we need) is the same. Being selfish benefits both of us. We fulfill our mutual goals both in and out of the bedroom by acting in our own self interest.

I have been in relationships where my needs were not being met, but I continued on longer than I should out of a need to serve. Before I met Alpha, I promised that I would never again stay with someone who wasn't exactly what I want and need in the long term. I have spoken at length about the permanent nature of our relationship, and I'm sure some people here think that we're a bit nuts for making the choices we have (or that we'll come to our senses eventually, or something) but what they fail to see if how selfish Alpha and I both were in the forming of this pack. There was no compromise, no negotiation, no glossing over the effects in the name of love. Yes, we love each other deeply, but that love comes from a level of compatibility that is almost impossible to find. We have both been there, done that with unfulfilling relationships, and were not about to do it again. If we hadn't each made the decision to accept 100% compatibility or nothing, we wouldn't be here, together, right now. And the payout for that unbending approach has been amazing. Love, passion, happiness, absolute bliss. We have our bad moments like any couple does, but those generally happen when one of us (usually me) starts acting selfless in a moment of weakness. Thankfully it doesn't take long to get past that.

I think a lot of new players learn this the hard way, if they learn it at all - if you're not getting your needs met, everyone in the relationship is going to be miserable. This is as true for BDSM couples as it is for vanillas. Anyone claiming to be willing to do anything at all for their hapless future D/ or their /s raises a huge red flag for me. Either they're a) too new to know what they want, which is fine, but they should say so or b) full of shit, and the do-me attitude will come out sooner or later or c) a complete energy drain who will sap the passion right out of whoever is unlucky enough to stumble into a relationship with them.

Know what you want, and get it. Likewise, choose a partner who knows what s/he wants, and will make sure you know too. That's the basis for any healthy relationship.

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Collared Fox and
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Post #: 36

RE: Selfish~Self-Centered~Selfless - 3/16/2011 7:14:51 PM

0ldhen

Posts: 2221
Joined: 12/27/2010
From: Henhouse in Trolltopia, Harleyville USA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BurntKitty

Love the poll, Troll... Or would that be Troll's pole poll?

Now I must get back to caring for the needs of the house Domme.... her majesty's litter box awaits me...

Everybody loves a little Troll pole......

I lmao.....Her Higness came in demanding phish phish just as I was reading your post.

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Everyone crashes. Some get back on. Some don't.

Za'beeta Regal, Et Vogo O' Lurwadra'd Wyka Go Abosh Inunsey.

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Post #: 37

RE: Selfish~Self-Centered~Selfless - 3/16/2011 7:23:11 PM

0ldhen

Posts: 2221
Joined: 12/27/2010
From: Henhouse in Trolltopia, Harleyville USA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Arpig

I give orgasms...lots of them, not because I particularly want her to have a good time, but because I get my kicks out of seeing her a totally cummed out pile of sub flavoured jello begging me to stop...and meaning it.In day-to-day vanilla life, I am apparently very selfless.

I help just about everybody I can (unless they are a total fuck up). But in all honesty, I don't do it for them..I do it because I like it, I enjoy it...so I do it for me.

And my sub..yeah I want her to be doing it for her as well. If it turns her crank to wait on me hand and foot...cool, fetch my slippers and another beer slut. But I don't want her doing it because it is her duty to do so...I want her to want to do it, to derive pleasure from doing .

Unlimited Orgasms...what province was that?

Spot On! I have folks who stop by, crash the night, wander off, show up for Sunday dinner. In my house there is always a spare bed, a plate of cookies, a pot of soup. And I do it because it makes ME happy.

I have an old friend visiting me, been here a few weeks, probably be here a few more (if I am LUCKY). I am so loving being able to do the little things, put a rose next to the bed, keep the tea that is best liked made, rub an achy back, I am doing it because it gets ME off. My friend is just along for the ride, knowing or not, lol.

Soooo...yes...FT......SELFISH, that's me!

< Message edited by 0ldhen -- 3/16/2011 7:29:00 PM >

_____________________________

Everyone crashes. Some get back on. Some don't.

Za'beeta Regal, Et Vogo O' Lurwadra'd Wyka Go Abosh Inunsey.

(in reply to Arpig)

Post #: 38

RE: Selfish~Self-Centered~Selfless - 3/16/2011 8:53:08 PM

LillyBoPeep

Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline

this is a ridiculously interesting topic.
i've had this conversation on FL and other places and sometimes it's hard for people to get.
this is something you run into as a service-oriented person a lot. service-oriented people serve because making someone happy does something good TO THEM, too. if scrubbing a toilet makes M happy, and the service oriented person is so interested in making M happy, then she's doing it for M, sure, but also for herself. and why is that bad?
sometimes when you're service-oriented you get the whole "but service is its own reward" thing back; usually from people who are self-centered. but very few people do something that they get nothing out of; there's always something, even if that something is simply "it makes me happy to make him happy."
service oriented people and slaves have needs, too. they seek out partners who reflect those needs and who they feel can fulfill those needs because fulfillment of those needs is important. some people call it selfish, but it's just basic human. ultimately each person is after the fulfillment of his/her own desires, whatever those desires happen to be. that's just the nature of it.

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Midwestern Girl

"Obey your Master." Metallica

(in reply to 0ldhen)

Post #: 39

RE: Selfish~Self-Centered~Selfless - 3/16/2011 9:08:37 PM

Arpig

Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline

quote:

Unlimited Orgasms...what province was that?

Ottawa, Ontario...I'd post the address, but I really don't want an endless stream of suddenly homeless subs showing up at my door at all hours.

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Ha Ha...Charade you are!

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(in reply to 0ldhen)

Post #: 40

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