i dont understand

i dont understand (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive

Message

newsubnokc -> i dont understand (3/21/2011 12:07:24 PM)
i am trying to understand this lifestyle but having trouble grasping everything. Master told me last week we would have a talk on Sunday at 2:30. He asked me what i wanted. i told him that i wanted to be his sub. Then he said that i was still under consideration until i was worthy Is this normal?

Lockit -> RE: i dont understand (3/21/2011 12:17:31 PM)
Apparently it is normal for him. What you need to find out before you can honestly answer him is what you want. Does it match what he wants? Do you just wish to belong to him and haven't thought about how it all works out? Before I consider someone, I know pretty much what they want and what I want matches. Jumping to consideration without this knowledge indicates a few things that I wouldn't do or agree with, but this isn't my life we are talking about. Making a decision when confused, isn't the best way to go about making your future happen. How can you decide you want to be his submissive, if you each haven't gotten to some serious conversation or experience with one another to make a wise decision?

peppermint -> RE: i dont understand (3/21/2011 12:19:14 PM)
I really can't say if that is normal or not as every relationship is different. However, consideration goes both ways. While he considers you, you should also be considering his good and bad traits to decide if he will suit what you want and need. Some dynamics do use this thing called consideration. Personally I have never thought much good about being under consideration. In many cases it turns out to be some Master considering a sub. He keeps her under consideration which keeps her tied up while he goes around looking to see if if can find something better. In my own relationship we knew each other for a year before making a committment to each other. There was no being under consideration going on. For six of those months we lived together. When I look back I still think we did this too quickly. It's not that is has not turned out well. I just think a year was not enough time before making such a serious decision.

newsubnokc -> RE: i dont understand (3/21/2011 12:27:13 PM)
Wwe have been in a relationship for almost 3 years, and have spent most of that time living together. i have issues that i need to work on and he thought that if we started a M/s relationship that it would make these issues resolved faster.

leadership527 -> RE: i dont understand (3/21/2011 12:33:01 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: newsubnokc i told him that i wanted to be his sub. I would not have counted that as an adequate answer and I'd have been miffed at you for providing it. Yeah yeah, I'm assuming that was obvious from the get go. But what do you mean by "sub" and why do you want that? Any answer that starts with "It's my nature" needs to be rethought.

newsubnokc -> RE: i dont understand (3/21/2011 12:37:55 PM)
i am a natural sub, but i agreed to be his sub because that is what i want to do. i want to make him happy, help him acheive his goals, be the person that he depends on when no one in his life will,

Lockit -> RE: i dont understand (3/21/2011 12:38:51 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: newsubnokc Wwe have been in a relationship for almost 3 years, and have spent most of that time living together. i have issues that i need to work on and he thought that if we started a M/s relationship that it would make these issues resolved faster. Oh did he? Very interesting. So M/s is a way to get through issues and that is a basis for a good relationship? Honey, go see a professional for your issues and leave the doctoring to them. M/s or not, if in three years he hasn't been able to fix you yet, why do you think M/s will do the trick?

mistressko -> RE: i dont understand (3/21/2011 12:40:43 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: newsubnokc Wwe have been in a relationship for almost 3 years, and have spent most of that time living together. i have issues that i need to work on and he thought that if we started a M/s relationship that it would make these issues resolved faster. He wants to 'fix' you by telling you everything to do? Call me crazy (most people do) but I don't think that's a healthy reason to be in a D/S relationship. -K

tazzygirl -> RE: i dont understand (3/21/2011 12:41:47 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: newsubnokc i am a natural sub, but i agreed to be his sub because that is what i want to do. i want to make him happy, help him acheive his goals, be the person that he depends on when no one in his life will, Reverse the question.

newsubnokc -> RE: i dont understand (3/21/2011 12:57:29 PM)
Why do i want him to my Master? In the three years that i have known him he has always made sure that i was safe, he is very protective of me and i know by his actions that he loves me. He cares about my wants and desires and makes sure that i get those things at all cost.

vegetablelamb -> RE: i dont understand (3/21/2011 1:03:29 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: newsubnokc Wwe have been in a relationship for almost 3 years, and have spent most of that time living together. i have issues that i need to work on and he thought that if we started a M/s relationship that it would make these issues resolved faster. You've been in a relationship for three years and he's put you under consideration because you're unworthy? I might need some explanation on this. Were you unworthy prior to M/s relationship, or is this just restricted to that realm? I would think being in a relationship or not as being worthy or not (otherwise the relationship wouldn't happen, or would be put on halt?), but I'd like to be corrected if I'm wrong. Also, I agree with Lockit; if you can't work out your issues on your own, you should get in touch with someone trained to help you with said issues. I don't know the severity or circumstances of your issues, however, but when in doubt, go talk with someone about it.

peppermint -> RE: i dont understand (3/21/2011 1:15:07 PM)
How is an M/s relationship supposed to help with other issues? If there are issues they will also be issues if you are M/s or D/s or boyfriend/girlfriend, or husband/wife. Issues are issues and separate from relationships.

Lockit -> RE: i dont understand (3/21/2011 1:26:11 PM)
"Then he said that i was still under consideration until i was worthy." I see this as a sign that he isn't worthy to help you with your issues. Not the under consideration part... but the until you are worthy. His saying that is a huge negative and is degrading. How is that helpful to someone with issues? When has speaking to someone with issues, in such a way helped them to feel good about themselves or correct any behavior? I am thinking you are not the only one with a few issues. Sorry for the brutal approach, but hey, I call it the way I see it. It doesn't matter if you feel submissive or he feels dominant or how long you have been together, under consideration or not... You don't make a positive from a negative of this sort. I am not wanting to pick on you... hell, send him here, let me pick on him. You are worthy... you are worth more and you need to learn that until you own it. What? You are worthy to fuck, clean his house and live with him so he can degrade you under the guise of protection and safety... but not worthy enough for... what? His collar? Shit, I would place that thing on the nearest German Shepard and run like hell to a professional to find out why I let him treat me like that. Help yourself honey... do it soon.

newsubnokc -> RE: i dont understand (3/21/2011 1:38:39 PM)
i was told that they he was going to see if i was worthy to be his sub. i have been worthy of being his girlfriend for the last 3 years.

leadership527 -> RE: i dont understand (3/21/2011 1:50:56 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: newsubnokc i was told that they he was going to see if i was worthy to be his sub. i have been worthy of being his girlfriend for the last 3 years. Fair enough. Did he give you any specific criteria though or is this a guessing game? What would constitute "being worthy of being his sub"?? Like others, I dislike that particular phrasing... but then again, I oft-times find that BDSM folks phrase things in very "power oriented" hyperbole. If he really meant "worthy" then I think you should run far and fast. If, on the other hand, he meant, "I'm trying to figure out if being my slave would be healthy for you or do we need some different relationship type" then I think you need to ask him what, specifically, he's looking for to determine that. In general I'm not a big one on "tests". If I want to know something about Carol, I ask her.

peppermint -> RE: i dont understand (3/21/2011 1:55:22 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: newsubnokc i was told that they he was going to see if i was worthy to be his sub. i have been worthy of being his girlfriend for the last 3 years. Well, we are glad you were found worthy to be a girlfriend and maybe someday his submissive. We are just questioning his worthiness of being a boyfriend or Dom. So far he seems to be putting you into a position where you come to strangers on an internet forum to try to find out why you are not comfortable with what he is saying to you. It seems that the communication between you and your boy friend is not as good as it needs to be. You do not understand why you are unworthy to be his submissive. He is building up your self esteem by telling you that you are unworthy. What a lose lose situation. My take on this is this. If in 3 years you two have not been able to decide whether you want to be together or not, then maybe it's time to take a break from each other. He can then decide how a worthy submissive behaves and thinks. You can contemplate why your boyfriend likes to keep you on the hook while refusing to reel you in.

tazzygirl -> RE: i dont understand (3/21/2011 2:16:17 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: newsubnokc Why do i want him to my Master? In the three years that i have known him he has always made sure that i was safe, he is very protective of me and i know by his actions that he loves me. He cares about my wants and desires and makes sure that i get those things at all cost. No, thats not the question you should be asking. quote: i am a natural sub, but i agreed to be his sub because that is what i want to do. i want to make him happy, help him acheive his goals, be the person that he depends on when no one in his life will, Allow me. You have agreed to be his sub, but he hasnt agreed to be your Master... does he want to be, or maybe he is just happy with how things are? You want to make him happy, does he want to make you happy? You want to help him achieve his goals.. does he want to help you achieve yours? You want to be the person he can depend upon when no one in his life will.... will he do the same for you? Three years into your relationship, and he still isnt sure? It sounds like he has alot of doubts, and Mastering a woman isnt like dating or living with one.

tazzygirl -> RE: i dont understand (3/21/2011 2:18:30 PM)
quote: You can contemplate why your boyfriend likes to keep you on the hook while refusing to reel you in. Smacks of the option vs priority.

stellauk -> RE: i dont understand (3/21/2011 3:57:01 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: newsubnokc Is this normal? No it isn't. If having an M/s relationship was really an effective way of resolving issues then wouldn't you think the medical profession and media would be far more proactive in promoting BDSM as a basis for relationships? The 'until you are worthy' statement really gives it away for me. For me personally that would be a major red flag in any relationship, irrespective of the length and who it was with. Been down that road before a few times, worn the T-shirt and outgrown it. I can only echo what has been posted above and strongly advise getting more informed opinions from either close friends or the medical profession. Everybody has issues of some sort and the general principle I find is that you work on your issues yourself supported by friends (and therapists if you need one) and leave it to relationship partners to either accept you together with your issues or not at all. Even insinuating that you're not worthy after three years of cohabitation is a major signal that either there's something wrong in the relationship or the decisions that led to the relationship were not in the interest of one or both involved. BDSM is not an alternative route to therapy, even if it appears it can help you address and resolve some of your own issues. The only person who can fix you is you and I would be wary of any Dominant who claims they can fix you, even if they have a list of professional qualifications as long as your arm.

oceanwynds2 -> RE: i dont understand (3/21/2011 4:01:49 PM)
Greetings newsubnokc Only suggestion i would have for you is to seek a counselor for yourself, so you can work through your issues. To make any decision about what he is doing and if it is right for you, might be difficult at this time, because you see him as your savior. When we get in that mind fix we sometimes just need to seek outside counseling, nor the dom , master , boyfriend's version. Best of luck oceanwynds

Page: [1] 2 3 4 5 next > >>

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.046875