RE: Dominant feeling lost

RE: Dominant feeling lost (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion

Message

ResidentSadist -> RE: Dominant feeling lost (3/22/2011 11:07:00 AM)
You are so badly pussy whipped it’s funny. Thank you for sharing. You’re not fucking a retard that can't remember her own name or what people say . . . are you? Don’t be a fool, she doesn’t forget to do the things you want. She chooses not to mind your words or even care enough to remember them. She knows she can do what she wants because she has you pussy whipped and you let her get away with it. You might be pussy whipped if, “playing with her is heaven on earth” but you’re “afraid to do anything sexual with her” because “fear of being rejected” makes you wait until she wants it. Dude, you’re her dick on demand, a booty call. Wake up and smell the “tea” you so lovingly prepared her while you “massage her, bathe her, walk the dog” and fetch whatever else she wants. You don’t own her and you aren’t the dominant one… you are serving her. So quit crying, try putting on your sissy apron and clean the house for you poor tired Mistress. See if it feels more natural than pretending to Dom someone. reply is to OP

DesFIP -> RE: Dominant feeling lost (3/22/2011 11:54:15 AM)
I think it's wonderful that you are sensitive to her needs and want her to be happy also. First, have her go get a physical. This kind of permanent exhaustion could be from different things. Check it out first. Second, have her take a half hour nap when she gets home. You get home earlier, so you start dinner. Or the two of you do a lot of cooking during the weekend and use that to make quick meals during the week. Roast chicken becomes chicken enchiladas or chicken salad or hot open chicken sandwiches. That kind of thing. However, where you are dead wrong is having taught her not to use body language. You've created a problem with that. You need to learn to read her body language. Is she covering her ass as just an automatic reaction to a sting or is it too much? Lots of us can't verbalize things when we're in a submissive headspace. Sounds like she's one, if she's unable to talk about it all she can do is shut it down. You need to ask questions that have yes or no answers: was that too hard, can you take three more, stuff like that.

HisEvelyn -> RE: Dominant feeling lost (3/22/2011 11:58:35 AM)
I do think the dominance has been lost here. However, the thing that jumps out at me most of all in this scenario is the lack of communication. In a longterm relationship of this sort, without communication and trust, there is a problem. As the dominant, I think it is your duty to sit your girl down and tell her she MUST communicate with you. If she's bad at it, that's too bad. But also explain to her WHY it's so important that she talk to you about her thoughts. Without all the information, you cannot make informed decisions. My Master and I have had a few talks like this, and it always helped our level of trust and intimacy. For example, we do not have a problem with the 'fear of me doing something I really can't handle' or me not using my safeword if absolutely necessary. Because Master laid it out for me right upfront that if he could not trust me to tell him when it was too much, then he could not enjoy himself fully (out of always having to analyze EVERYTHING during a scene) and he would be extremely angry at me. That he would rather stop in the middle of a scene and avoiding harming me seriously, than play it out fully and later find out I was traumatized. To this day, I have never safeworded, though I have slow-worded a few times, and we continue to enjoy it more and more because we have that trust. If you want this to work, you NEED to communicate. Tell her what you expect and what you want, and let her do the same. Then hold yourselves to what you decide upon. Caring for your submissive is good. Letting her dictate everything to the point where yoi are afraid to be a dominant is not good. As a general rule, submissives WANT to be controlled in some manner, given rules and be made to obey. You don't have to be mean or uncompromising, but be firm.

Arturas -> RE: Dominant feeling lost (3/22/2011 12:05:09 PM)
Wow. Hard audience. She is new to this so I think pouncing on her as she walks in the door is high risk with low return. Let me suggest you walk before running. Wait till Friday night, take her to dinner, sit next to her, not across in a booth and touch her lightly on the face and talk sweet somethings into her ear. Then, kiss her and as you do, slowly reach back and close your fist around her hair, no jerking, just close it and continue the kiss gently pulling her head back slightly so her neck is exposed and while keeping hold of her "handle" drop down and kiss her neck and as you raise your lips take your free hand and firmly but softly (no jerking) grasp her jaws, stay away from the throat since you are in public, and then release her. Place a piece of steak in the palm of your hand and tell her to take in in her mouth, chew it and then she is to kiss your palm. Continue dinner normally, stop by the local toy store and get some bondage tape. Take her home and ignore her. In the morning, have her shower with you and have her wash you, kneeling at your feet as she washes you and then make a fist in her hair and take her but do not cum. Force her against the wall of the shower with your hand gripping her hair firmly now, Ok to jerk her a little, and take her from behind but do not cum. Withdraw, take a few fingers and get her moaning. Stop, drag her to be bed face down, bind her with the hopefully bright red bondage tape (or rope, if you are ready to do that quickly, speed and smooth moves are important here) and spank her softly at first and then harder as her fanny warms up. Fist her carefully letting her make the later moves, when you get her moaning and moving best she can in the binds, grab her hair again, pull her neck up just a little so she knows who has her and then fuck her brains out in both holes using a condom in her ass but making sure that gets her screaming but ignore her protest (they all do, but she does not mean it) and after she cums, withdraw and cum on her tramp stamp if she has one so she knows you've marked your territory. Do nothing until next Saturday to make this a special thing for your two and start working power wand, rope, blindfold and whatever into this scene. Her mindset is adjusted now and she is ready to really take orders to please you, you evil Master.

leadership527 -> RE: Dominant feeling lost (3/22/2011 12:10:14 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Arturas She is new to this so I think pouncing on her as she walks in the door is high risk with low return I agree... coupled with the rather obvious issues in the underlying relationship, I personally feel like the tough guy act is a great way destroy the relationship entirely.

porcelaine -> RE: Dominant feeling lost (3/22/2011 12:14:50 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lockit Whatever we may make of the situation, his coming here hasn't reviled anything too personal, has been thought out and expressed well. Discouraging well presented questions or dilemma's is rather sad, because where else can some people get the information they seek or find a better way? I can see people discouraging stupid questions of a certain kind or someone that gives personal details that would be embarrassing to the other party or something that could identify someone, but this one I have to disagree with some of you on. I concur. [;)] quote: However, I believe that by the time some cry out or seek, they are confused and it is understandable. Just yesterday an issue I have gone back and forth with in my personal life... because my answers effect so many people and situations, presented itself again. Talk about going through the ins and outs and being confused to the point of fear of making a move, in case I make the wrong one. We are human, some tend to wait too long on something and it gets complicated and confusing. Time and age also play into some things and learning experiences need time and age sometimes. We each had ours and whether or not we handled it like someone did or would, doesn't always matter does it? All of this. Having been there myself I thank my lucky stars for the people that stand by me when I'm flailing in the wind and don't have my act together in the manner I usually would. I treasure them for allowing me the dignity to fuck up without judgment or loss of support. Namaste, ~porcelaine

Arpig -> RE: Dominant feeling lost (3/22/2011 12:21:28 PM)
quote: I know that the lack of sunlight leads to a higher incidence of diabetes in Sweden You know, this never even crossed my mind before I read this, but before I was diagnosed with diabetes, I was inexplicably tired all the time as well. I think a trip to the doctor for some tests is definatly in order. Especially if she finds herself inordinately thirsty.

TotalDiscipline -> RE: Dominant feeling lost (3/22/2011 1:12:15 PM)
3 options -accept it -correct it -if unhappy, move on

Palliata -> RE: Dominant feeling lost (3/22/2011 1:27:12 PM)
This really seems like a very simple solution: You need to tell her to get a different job that is more in line with being a slave. It's as simple as that. She has made commitments in her life which prevent her from serving you, and that is wholly unacceptable. I'm not saying she shouldn't work, but there are millions of people who work 7.5 hours a day and then come home and interact properly with their partners. A slave of all people should not allow ANYTHING to get in the way of their partner’s happiness for any period of time. If it was a thing that lasted a week or two, like a big merger or a death in the family, that would be one thing, but this is clearly something that is going to continue happening. There is no way that could ever be acceptable. I hate to give the “my way is The Way” response here, but in this case it seems like any other approach is somewhat lacking in courage. Her first role and purpose in life is, or ought to be, to serve her Master, and if she has lost sight of that it’s your job to bring her back into cognizance of it. Especially given that this is clearly making you extremely unhappy, this is one of those situations where she can obey or suffer the consequences, whether that be punishment or separation. You’re basically not even acting as her dom anymore - she is deciding what happens, when it happens, how it happens, and IF it happens. Where is your control in all this? This wouldn’t be an acceptable pattern of action if you were a normal couple, let alone an M/s or D/s couple.

leadership527 -> RE: Dominant feeling lost (3/22/2011 1:31:30 PM)
quote: You need to tell her to get a different job that is more in line with being a slave But she is NOT a slave. She's a bottom and he's a top and they are exploring bringing that behavior outside the bedroom... still very top/bottomy but outside the bedroom door. I still think that there are two factors here... underlying relationship issues and lack of clarity on what this new thing they are doing is supposed to be. I'm also continue to wonder about health problems if "tired" isn't simply an excuse.

LadyPact -> RE: Dominant feeling lost (3/22/2011 1:49:10 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: leadership527 But she is NOT a slave. She's a bottom and he's a top and they are exploring bringing that behavior outside the bedroom... still very top/bottomy but outside the bedroom door. I still think that there are two factors here... underlying relationship issues and lack of clarity on what this new thing they are doing is supposed to be. I'm also continue to wonder about health problems if "tired" isn't simply an excuse. Exactly. I'm not even sure if it qualifies as D/s because I find it highly unusual that 'don't want to talk about it' would go over with darn near any Dominant that I know. It would be more, 'you are required to discuss these things about the dynamic'. That's part of actually being in charge. However, that's not My determination to make, so I'm not going to say anything about how much control the OP actually has as far as the relationship part. I'll give props where they are due. What BeachMystress mentioned about SAD (seasonal affective disorder) is a big possibility. Right now is the 'darkest before the dawn' time of year for folks with it. You can't just look at daylight hours vrs night hours. You still have to account for things like spring rain and such. If we were talking about a slave, I'd flat out say I'm in authority and you will on occasion. I'd probably do that if I was dealing with a submissive, too. At least one who had any part of that "submit" part as a portion of the dynamic. However, not everybody takes the "I'm the person with the authority" bit as a part of their relationship.

graceadieu -> RE: Dominant feeling lost (3/22/2011 1:49:26 PM)
I'm going to echo what some others have said about possible medical issues. 40-50 hours a week is a normal work schedule, and while stressful or physically demanding jobs can be tiring, most people still manage to cook dinner, keep their house reasonably clean, have sex, and maybe work out or take some classes. So she should go to the doctor. She might be depressed, have a thyroid problem, be anemic, have sleep apnea, or some other medical problem that makes her tired and it'd be good for both of you if she got it sorted out.

BossyShoeBitch -> RE: Dominant feeling lost (3/22/2011 2:19:39 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Arturas Wow. Hard audience. She is new to this so I think pouncing on her as she walks in the door is high risk with low return. Let me suggest you walk before running. Wait till Friday night, take her to dinner, sit next to her, not across in a booth and touch her lightly on the face and talk sweet somethings into her ear. Then, kiss her and as you do, slowly reach back and close your fist around her hair, no jerking, just close it and continue the kiss gently pulling her head back slightly so her neck is exposed and while keeping hold of her "handle" drop down and kiss her neck and as you raise your lips take your free hand and firmly but softly (no jerking) grasp her jaws, stay away from the throat since you are in public, and then release her. Place a piece of steak in the palm of your hand and tell her to take in in her mouth, chew it and then she is to kiss your palm. Continue dinner normally, stop by the local toy store and get some bondage tape. Take her home and ignore her. In the morning, have her shower with you and have her wash you, kneeling at your feet as she washes you and then make a fist in her hair and take her but do not cum. Force her against the wall of the shower with your hand gripping her hair firmly now, Ok to jerk her a little, and take her from behind but do not cum. Withdraw, take a few fingers and get her moaning. Stop, drag her to be bed face down, bind her with the hopefully bright red bondage tape (or rope, if you are ready to do that quickly, speed and smooth moves are important here) and spank her softly at first and then harder as her fanny warms up. Fist her carefully letting her make the later moves, when you get her moaning and moving best she can in the binds, grab her hair again, pull her neck up just a little so she knows who has her and then fuck her brains out in both holes using a condom in her ass but making sure that gets her screaming but ignore her protest (they all do, but she does not mean it) and after she cums, withdraw and cum on her tramp stamp if she has one so she knows you've marked your territory. OK. This works too. LOL BUT... I am not sure what exactly is wrong with the idea fucking her as soon as she gets home. It's not like she's coming over for their first date.

Palliata -> RE: Dominant feeling lost (3/22/2011 3:02:53 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: leadership527 quote: You need to tell her to get a different job that is more in line with being a slave But she is NOT a slave. She's a bottom and he's a top and they are exploring bringing that behavior outside the bedroom... still very top/bottomy but outside the bedroom door. I still think that there are two factors here... underlying relationship issues and lack of clarity on what this new thing they are doing is supposed to be. I'm also continue to wonder about health problems if "tired" isn't simply an excuse. Yeah, ok, I'll give you that. I guess I skimmed the OP and made some false assumptions. Nonetheless, the relationship will not work if nothing changes, and nothing will change unless he makes it change. Perhaps changing her job would be a bit too controlling for that kind of relationship, but clearly he needs to do something. As I say, this isn't something that would be acceptable to me in a vanilla relationship.

NocturnalStalker -> RE: Dominant feeling lost (3/22/2011 3:06:23 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BossyShoeBitch quote: ORIGINAL: Arturas Wow. Hard audience. She is new to this so I think pouncing on her as she walks in the door is high risk with low return. Let me suggest you walk before running. Wait till Friday night, take her to dinner, sit next to her, not across in a booth and touch her lightly on the face and talk sweet somethings into her ear. Then, kiss her and as you do, slowly reach back and close your fist around her hair, no jerking, just close it and continue the kiss gently pulling her head back slightly so her neck is exposed and while keeping hold of her "handle" drop down and kiss her neck and as you raise your lips take your free hand and firmly but softly (no jerking) grasp her jaws, stay away from the throat since you are in public, and then release her. Place a piece of steak in the palm of your hand and tell her to take in in her mouth, chew it and then she is to kiss your palm. Continue dinner normally, stop by the local toy store and get some bondage tape. Take her home and ignore her. In the morning, have her shower with you and have her wash you, kneeling at your feet as she washes you and then make a fist in her hair and take her but do not cum. Force her against the wall of the shower with your hand gripping her hair firmly now, Ok to jerk her a little, and take her from behind but do not cum. Withdraw, take a few fingers and get her moaning. Stop, drag her to be bed face down, bind her with the hopefully bright red bondage tape (or rope, if you are ready to do that quickly, speed and smooth moves are important here) and spank her softly at first and then harder as her fanny warms up. Fist her carefully letting her make the later moves, when you get her moaning and moving best she can in the binds, grab her hair again, pull her neck up just a little so she knows who has her and then fuck her brains out in both holes using a condom in her ass but making sure that gets her screaming but ignore her protest (they all do, but she does not mean it) and after she cums, withdraw and cum on her tramp stamp if she has one so she knows you've marked your territory. OK. This works too. LOL BUT... I am not sure what exactly is wrong with the idea fucking her as soon as she gets home. It's not like she's coming over for their first date. Reading your posts in this thread has made "Ode To Joy" go off in my head both times.

NihilusZero -> RE: Dominant feeling lost (3/22/2011 3:29:12 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: leadership527 I agree... coupled with the rather obvious issues in the underlying relationship, I personally feel like the tough guy act is a great way destroy the relationship entirely. And clearly not his style to begin with. But think of the adulation!! [;)]

lizi -> RE: Dominant feeling lost (3/22/2011 3:29:14 PM)
OP, If you strip away the D/s what you have is the relationship. I'm not sure it's the D/s that's causing the problems, I think that there are things going on between the two of you that are pushing you apart on her end- and you don't know what they are because she isn't telling you. Many times when one partner loses interest it's because there are issues that need to be taken care of. I can see how frustrating it would be to be continually turned away, many of us have been there and after a while the one reaching out stops because there are only so many times you can be turned away without it affecting you and your desire to be close to that person. Have her get a check up, if that pans out normal then I feel it's time for a heart to heart talk to see why she's keeping her distance from you because that's what she's doing at the heart of it. It might take some work to get her to sit down and talk to you in a serious manner but it is probably worth the effort. In my experience when couples start to become alienated it's usually because there is some resentment or issues there. It's usually not something that can be corrected with the right kind of BDSM play, or a nice dinner out, or some surface gesture. That type of thing usually turns out to be a bandaid while the real problem keeps festering away underneath. I'm assuming things were different before and she was eager to be with you and be intimate, I'd suggest finding out what is preventing her now barring a medical problem. As others have pointed out, the hours she works shouldn't be preventing her from this - work of any kind is a pretty normal thing. I know when I'm with someone I care about deeply, I would crawl on broken glass after a 12 hour day if it meant I could be with him. My physical state of being usually takes a back seat to what I want emotionally. I think you should figure out why this isn't happening in her case. Being tired can be a great excuse for keeping things at a distance.

Asfixation -> RE: Dominant feeling lost (3/22/2011 4:02:20 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Arturas Wow. Hard audience. She is new to this so ...... Yes and here's harder. We are each and everyone of us new to each and every relationship we have. And we each have a responsibility to bring 'newness', renovation, interest, spark, libido...(call it what you will) to a long term relationship. So I do not think newness an excuse for failing to see where the failure is. Failure starts within not without. In other words within oneself. This is a failure of the dynamic. And there's no success like failure. In my experience a failure on one side of the / is a step to the other side.

ResidentSadist -> RE: Dominant feeling lost (3/22/2011 4:14:52 PM)
Hard audience . . . smart audience maybe? Is this really a case of a hard audience or an OP full of bullshit? How can we help with what he describes? It is self inflicted. He says "we"don't want 24/7 but goes on to describe DAILY duties/rules and encounters. That is 24/7. So how can we as posters help someone who is self conflicted and self inflicted . . . or bullshitting us. When he lists things and says "we", me thinks he really means "she". There seems a gap between the "I" goals and the "we" goals. He puts up with this and serves her on hand and foot. I truly feel like the OP is trying to pull my leg or his own.

NihilusZero -> RE: Dominant feeling lost (3/22/2011 4:52:44 PM)
Oh, it's not that hard to see. He's speaking of not wanting the authority dynamic 24/7, but he enjoys daily kink. He uses terminology that may be misleading to some people because of expectations associated with those terms (you can thank all the people who have said "Titles mean whatever the person wants them to mean!" in a discussion about the labels/titles/terms in BDSM for that). He mostly means "top" when he says "dom" or "master" and, from that perspective, as far as the relationship is concerned he has the normal worries and desires to please as anyone in any relationship. Using that against him as an indication of anti-domliness is dopey, at best, and projection paranoia, at worst. The informative replies here have dealt with the actual issues: a) a physical problem that perhaps should be medically checked out, and b) a determination of whether, based on "a", compatibility exists to move forward and if compromises will be needed to do so.

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 4 5 next > >>

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

6.640625E-02