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manonabike -> RE: Dominant feeling lost (3/28/2011 6:35:45 AM)
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quote:
I've tried to explain to her how important I think that the communication between us is.
This caught my attention as something to consider.
It implies the expectation that by the condition of "her understanding you" being true, her behavior will change, probably through an adjustment she makes upon thinking about it as you would think, and that for you would cause that change in your own behavior. Huh? In other words, you told her what YOU would need to hear that YOU would respond to by changing how YOU act. Notice in all this that YOU is not HER.
You can correct your expectation of her by replacing "what would work if I heard it" to "what would work if she heard it". I suspect that for her, hearing explanations doesn't even work. Not everyone processes corrections the same way. It's perhaps usual to try on someone else what would work on yourself. More effective is to learn about others what happens to work on them, then do that. It is a lot easier to use how someone already responds than to first recondition them to respond as you would so that you can then use on them, what would work on you. Right? Right.
I explained this to you exactly how it would makes sense if explained that way to me, in part to make a point.
You're lost because the map you are using shows YOUR behavioral layout. You need a map of hers. Learn how to motivate her. Study her responses, know her needs, and have a clear idea of the starting place and the desired destination so you can plan a route between those two points. If you're going to impose your will on her behavior, you just gots to master how she ticks. She is probably looking to you for that, to spare her the drudgery of managing herself in that way. Guidance is an art. Because it is, you can justify wearing a beret while you do it. Dress the part. Buy yourself a beret and smoke thin cigarettes, which you should let dangle from the corner of your mouth like any self-respecting artist will.
You can be wordy and intellectual about it, if that suits you, or you can ASSERT your AUTHORITY spontaneously by using hand signals and a rolled up magazine or empty paper towel core. I suspect you of living too much in your head and not enough in the moment itself. If what you are thinking doesn't work for a given situation, then stop thinking until you notice what is actually happening.
Communication comes in different types. Talking at her ears is only one way to communicate. It is a poor way to communicate with tired people. Tired people suck at listening, and are even worse at understanding what you say when the message is designed to work on you and not on them.
She comes home tired. You know this, yet you expect of her to act like someone who is not coming home tired. Why?
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