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Dominant feeling lost - 3/22/2011 3:30:51 AM   
dacrow


Posts: 1
Joined: 3/22/2011
Status: offline 		Hello everyone and thanks for a great forum.
This is my first post here, and I'll try do introduce myself briefly.

I'm a 27 year old male dominant who's been into BDSM for about 5 years now.
I have a D/s relationship with the love of my life and we've been together for about a year now.

When we started our D/s relationship, one of the first things that we found out was that she wants it/needs it outside of the bedroom.
We don't live 24/7 and we don't want to either. However, we want the everyday kink that can be accomplished by rules/simple tasks to perform during the day to excite both of us such as; She making me coffee when she wakes up, not being allowed to be in bed with clothes on, laying over my knee after dinner when she comes home in the sofa (not to be spanked, but to calm down after the day and to relax).
One of the things that she repeatedly has told that she enjoys is for instance to get texted during the day with tasks for her to perform during day or when she comes home.
For example; "Hello my little slut, you are not allowed to wear anything below your waist during the evening."

I would like to share some of our everyday problems with you, an hopefully get some new input on how to solve this problem of ours.

First of all, I am her first Master. She has never had a D/s relationship before like this. All her experience when it comes to BDSM comes from playdates.
Therefore, she's not used to having a everyday life within this context, she's not used to talking about her own growth as a sub, evaluating, claiming what she wants from a session, landing afterwards etc.
To me, this sounded strange at first, but it really has to do with the fact that she hasn't opened up to earlier partners, simply because it has just been play and then "byebye".
Dominants who simply have asked her what her boundaries are and then leave it at that. As we all know this is quite common. People use others for their own interest.

And then...
I am self-employed, she's not. She works long hours (8-10 hours 5 days a week) from time to time and therefore she's often tired when she comes home from work.
For the last six months she's been more tired and we've had less and less sex, not to mention less play than usual.
I am a very sexual beeing and adore her above everything else. Playing with her is heaven on earth to me and I really can't ever get enough of it.


This is what can happen. Our day starts and we begin to text eachother during the day, teasing eachother. She may tell be how much she wants this day to end so that she can get home and have me to use her as her little fuckslave all evening, how much she's longing for my cum, me telling her how i'd like to tie her up etc.
The day goes by, I've been horny as hell for 8 hours. She comes home, we dine and I afterwards tell her to go take her collar on.
Now, however, she's no longer in the mood. She's been working late, she's tired etc.
It's been like this for quite some time. We tease eachother during the day, and then when she gets home she's to tired to perform anything she expressed earlier or that I've asked of her.
She's been given tasks to perform and then just forgotten them, simply because she's tired.

This is hurting our relationship. It's starting to become one of those scenarios where the man reaches for his wife as a sexual invitation, and she bounces him of with "sorry hun, I have an headache"

It has gotten to the point where I'm almost afraid to suggest something to her, asking her to put on her collar, giving her orders, dominating her, telling her what do do etc. I'm simply afraid that I will be rejected.
Same thing with sex. I've begun to be afraid to do anything sexual with her, stroking her thigh, telling her that I want to eat her until she comes or anything for that matter. I'm afraid that she'll reject me again or worse, that she'll do something that she doesn't want to do.
At the same time she tells me that one of her biggest kinks is to get surprised; beeing pulled down in her hair and "taken" so to speak. However, the fear of being rejected, that i'll hurt her, that she doesn't want that there and then, that she doesn't want it but can't say no scares me with her.
(Again, she's not used to expressing herself when it comes to sex or bdsm, telling me what she wants etc.)
I want to give her everything that she needs and satisfy her with everything in my power, but it's hard when things look like this. I've have thousands of ideas of how to surprise her and how to dominte her, but am afraid that I'll once again be rejected or that she'll put up with something because it's not in her vocabulary to express during play what she likes.
One of the first things that I've taught her is not to communicate with her body.
If I for example spank her, and she really at that point does not wish to be spanked, to use a safe word and let me understand that instead of trying to get away by wrestling, moaning, protecting her ass with her hands etc.

I feel that I don't trust her to always tell me when something is wrong, if something hurts in the "wrong way", if she's not up for it, if I do something to her that she doesn't want me to do. She simply does not tell me and has big problems with using safe words. Therefore my anxiety over suggesting something to her, or to surprice her in any matter. Does this sound strange to you?


When it comes to her being tired, it affects her aswell very much. She's gotten to the point where she feels bad for not having the energy to play (One other reason that makes me scared that she'll play just to please me or do stuff that she really doesn't want to).
I've tried to explain to her how important I think that the communication between us is. I will never be mad at her or grumpy for being tired. We both want it to work, and that's enough for me.
I make dinner every day for her when she comes home from work, I do the dishes, I make sure that we get to bed in time and that she gets 8 hours of sleep, I massage her, bathe her, walk the dog, make us drink tea instead of coffee.
I do this because I love her and to help her in any way that I can, so that when she gets home...she will be able to relax and let go of her work for the day. I've been hoping that this would give her more energy, but it feels as though we're still stuck in the same situation.

I appologize if I'm not very clear about this, but there are so many thoughts wandering through my head as I write this. I will gladly explain further if anyone would be kind enough to give me their input...
Best regards and thanks for your time,


Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Dominant feeling lost - 3/22/2011 3:51:33 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline 		Some people are 'better' at one night stands than at long term relationships. Some people feel more scared about sex with a longterm partner exactly because of the getting to know you thing... one night stands are 'safer' emotionally for some people because nobody knows eachother and you can just act as you wish and move on.
It sounds to me like she is scared... maybe she thinks you are gonna leave anyway or scared of showing her true self to you.
Women are notoriously difficult to read so you having problems there is only natural.
I think you have to manage to find more confidence in what you can demand of her and push for it. Stop doing everything to make her in the mood, she can cook too.
I personally do not like safe words, i prefer to just be able to say slower or harder or softer or stop... please
Find out what her sexdrive really is, does she like once a day or once a week better... make a date for sex, allocate an afternoon or saturday morning rather than just hoping for a bit every night.
Good luck

ETA if she is ridiculously tired all the time, even after 8 hours of sleep she is either lazy or she should see a doctor

< Message edited by ranja -- 3/22/2011 3:55:02 AM >

(in reply to dacrow)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Dominant feeling lost - 3/22/2011 4:00:30 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Pulled from a thread three months ago.  Similar problem.  You'll find the thread here.  http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=3486937&key=play%2Cnight

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

My thinking on the matter is that you most likely have to adjust during the work cycle.  Shorter lengths of play during the work week (an hour or less) and a bit lighter in intensity.  Save the stuff that is more complex or longer for during the weekend.  (Assuming that is how her work cycle is scheduled.)  During the week, don't go for things that are difficult for her to follow, such as humiliation scenes.  Go for stuff that is on the lighter and shorter side.  Shorter spanking sessions were already mentioned.  I'd also be thinking things such as wax or fire cupping.  Both of these can be done during shorter periods (I'm not talking about a full bust waxing here where you're going for "art") and come with the added benefit that they are very relaxing for the submissive.  (I haven't met a bottom yet that didn't feel warm and dreamy after a wax scene.)  If you're doing these kinds of things during the work week, she may even sleep better due to the types of play you are implementing, because she feels more relaxed when play is over.  Something like needles or staples would be a little more intense in the pain sense, but can also be done in short periods.  (Again, not especially aiming for "art" that takes longer.)  Short bondage scenes would also be an idea.  Just give her the quick version.



_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to dacrow)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Dominant feeling lost - 3/22/2011 5:22:28 AM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		What a load of miserable BS..,.,..... No and I do mean NO DOMINANT worthy of their position of being in charge of his own dunny, let alone of another human being will stoop so low as to air his dirty laundry and insecurities.. This should be a red flag and a warning that he has lost creditability and had his Dominant's license ID torn up and been reverted to sub/slave position..

Better the OP drops his daks and assumed the position so the can be an introduction to a no lube arse fucking like the good little male sub he is becoming..


_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to dacrow)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Dominant feeling lost - 3/22/2011 5:35:20 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		The texting turns her on and gets you horny but after that she doesn't feel up to playing.

Simple.  Tell her that the texting will be cut back if she doesn't meet your needs.  She's using it to feed her needs, but it's creating other needs in you.  If you cut back the texting, she will be unsatisfied and will feel more need.  You'll also feel less, and it establishes you in control.


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to IronBear)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Dominant feeling lost - 3/22/2011 5:48:37 AM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: IronBear

What a load of miserable BS..,.,..... No and I do mean NO DOMINANT worthy of their position of being in charge of his own dunny, let alone of another human being will stoop so low as to air his dirty laundry and insecurities.


Greetings,

That's an interesting position to take. I see a lot of public matters being discussed and I have my own opinion regarding what can be leaked and the things that should remain private. However, that line will differ for the respective parties involved. I may think that 'x' is inappropriate, but since the deliverer is not my problem (nor headache) it doesn't matter how much he chooses to spill. Perhaps it's of no consequence to them.

quote:

This should be a red flag and a warning that he has lost creditability and had his Dominant's license ID torn up and been reverted to sub/slave position..


So where does that leave the multitudes that pose questions in these venues? Is their dominance or submission suspect because they aren't finding the answers on their own? I will readily admit I'm probably not seeking a man that's coming online to figure out his dilemma. Nonetheless, for quite a few the forums provide a set of opinions worth considering. Or at the very least a sounding board.

quote:

Better the OP drops his daks and assumed the position so the can be an introduction to a no lube arse fucking like the good little male sub he is becoming..


I hope you're being facetious. There's quite a bit of dominance posited that's pretty darned questionable. But I don't suggest they drop and take a few by the backside. I simply acknowledge he's not my cup of tea.

Namaste,

~porcelaine


_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to IronBear)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Dominant feeling lost - 3/22/2011 6:07:46 AM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		You make good points, but not for me.. Don't you know lass, as much as I respect you and admire the stand you oft take, I am still the most evil, despicable and looking forward to becoming most hated bastard in Australia this day... I am NOT a nice, kind and gentle person.. I am hard, oft nasty, cruel and oft deliberately ruthless who will just as shoot someone than help them..

In one thing I am consistent.. I do and will speak my mind and speak it as I see things.... If I am in error and you (generically) can show me my error, I will thank you and correct the matter.

I deal with and happily mix with some tough [people and such public wailing are not even on their radar or list of things to contemplate. At this time I am enjoying the company of a delightful lady of serious content who asked me to point her to the OP so she could neuter him and relieve his issues.. I know where I stand with people liker her as our friendships and loyalties and even respect has passed the tests of fire and ice many times in many locations  about this world.. Vive l'Mercinare', Viv l'Mort.


_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to porcelaine)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Dominant feeling lost - 3/22/2011 6:23:28 AM   
NocturnalStalker


Posts: 3858
Joined: 12/4/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

The texting turns her on and gets you horny but after that she doesn't feel up to playing.

Simple.  Tell her that the texting will be cut back if she doesn't meet your needs.  She's using it to feed her needs, but it's creating other needs in you.  If you cut back the texting, she will be unsatisfied and will feel more need.  You'll also feel less, and it establishes you in control.



By God...

That's genius.



_____________________________

"The road I walk is paved in gold to glorify my platinum soul."

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Dominant feeling lost - 3/22/2011 6:27:20 AM   
Aileen1968


Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline 		Time to man up...why are you asking? Just bend her over and beat and fuck her when you want to. When she walks through the door from work.
It doesn't have to be a long, drawn out fuck.
And then when she's able to relax afterwards, you'll both be happy.

Sounds to me like you're allowing her to dominate the relationship.

edited to add...as for her not talking about her growth and such....some people don't like or feel a need to analyze the details of their relationship.

< Message edited by Aileen1968 -- 3/22/2011 6:31:05 AM >

_____________________________



(in reply to dacrow)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Dominant feeling lost - 3/22/2011 6:36:55 AM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		Real life has a habit of intruding upon sexual desires, etc.

However, you are both young and should be having the time of your life. I think you really need to sit down with her and tell her what you told us.

I would not be afraid to just take her, since she said she likes that kind of thing. Believe me, even if you are tired, someone just grabbing you and doing what he wants is hot and she might quickly lose the tiredness.

(in reply to Aileen1968)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Dominant feeling lost - 3/22/2011 6:50:21 AM   
daintydimples


Posts: 967
Joined: 7/6/2009
Status: offline 		I agree with IronBear on this one, the OP is no longer the dominant in the relationship. It's obvious she is calling the shots. I think there are two things (at least) at play here. The male is in love with this girl, so much so he cooks her dinner and does the dishes so she can relax and decompress from work.  Is he so in love with her he's lost control of the situation? I think that is a possibility. Being in love with someone feels great, but it comes with the responsibility of doing what is best for them. He's trying to do that by taking care of her in a certain way, when I don't think that's what she wants or needs. Why is she coming home tired every night and putting her priorities (be successful at my job) ahead of his priorities (have some energy left to play)? B/c he is letting her, pure and simple. I think the OP would be better served not by sexy texts but in day to day and perhaps hour to hour guidance for her in terms of learning how to juggle her work day more effectively so she has some energy left.

Then there is this statement:

At the same time she tells me that one of her biggest kinks is to get surprised; beeing pulled down in her hair and "taken" so to speak. However, the fear of being rejected, that i'll hurt her, that she doesn't want that there and then, that she doesn't want it but can't say no scares me with her.

Is the girl trying to goad him into this? Possibly, though I would be leery of doing such a thing at this point, she could easily cry rape. This girl appears to have commitment and trust issues that should be seen to by a professional.  A kink friendly professional could do wonders for this couple.

As always, JMO, YMMV.



_____________________________

Some soften by the forced reflection that comes from loss; others harden. Which are you?




(in reply to IronBear)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Dominant feeling lost - 3/22/2011 7:35:24 AM   
BeachMystress


Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline 		I've been in a 24/7 TPE marriage for six years.  I've run into the exact same thing with my sub. The way I solved it was by reassuring him that I loved him, but that if he wasn't going to be able to meet my needs, we'd bring in another person. I told him, as it was I was unhappy and frustrated with the relationship and that it was his turn. Things improved overnight.

Yes, sometimes you need to be understanding when your sub is working hard and is tired. But when it happens time and time again it needs to be addressed. Unless this is a new job, she had the time and energy when things were new and exciting. In a BDSM relationship you do have to allow for the newness wearing off and everyday not being a spankfest. But time does have to be made to nurture the power dynamic and the FUN. You're already taking a Daddy (nurturing) position and allowing your little girl a lot of leeway. My sub works roughly the same hours as yours and then comes home, makes dinner, cleans house, does dishes, laundry and any other household chores needing done. He'll then spend an hour rubbing my back or bathing me and painting my toenails. If I'm in the mood we play or play and have sex.

And what is the problem if she plays just to please you? You are her Master. It goes with the territory. I've woke my husband at three AM to satisfy needs of mine. He got into it after a while, but at first he did it because I'm boss. That's part of power. 

One thing that I find a tad worrisome is that she is frustrated by her tiredness. It says to me there may be a physical reason for the problem. What season of the year is it for you? You're still in winter, right? I know that the lack of sunlight leads to a higher incidence of diabetes in Sweden (lack of vitamin D, they think.) It also leads to a higher instance of S.A.D (Seasonal Affective Disorder.) Have her start taking a vitamin D supplement and perhaps see the Doctor. You can also try full spectrum light therapy. Full Spectrum Solutions has a range of light boxes.

In any case, you need to insist she talk with you. Share YOUR feelings and desires and ask her to do the same. Ask her why she thinks things have changed. Ask leading questions, starting with easy ones first. Once you get them talking it is easier to keep them going when you get to the places where they are emotionally vulnerable. I also find that soft music and low lighting (candles, fireplace, single lamp) make it easier for the person to open up. It creates an intimate atmosphere. And you need to have an agreement that anything talked about in these discussions is OFF LIMITS in a fight. You both need to be able to trust that when you share your deep darks they're not going to be thrown back up in your face.

quote:

No and I do mean NO DOMINANT worthy of their position of being in charge of his own dunny, let alone of another human being will stoop so low as to air his dirty laundry and insecurities.. ORIGINAL: IronBear


Because as we all know, Dominants are not human. God Forbid they have problems and issues like the rest of the world. Asking questions? REAL TWUE DOMINANTS don't ask directions.. hell they don't even bleed if you cut them! The SUPERSPECIES has been achieved! *hugh sigh* Thank heavens there are few so short sighted, insecure people out there. I respect someone who asks for advice and support way more than I respect someone who "keeps the dirty laundry private" and lets the relationship fester. It takes bravery to ask for advice. Kudos, Dacrow.


_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to sexyred1)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Dominant feeling lost - 3/22/2011 7:55:16 AM   
sirssubk2008


Posts: 248
Joined: 1/1/2011
Status: offline 		My first thought is to definitely rule out any kind of medical condition that could be causing excessive tiredness. Once that has been done, I tend to agree with DarkSteven as a first approach.
quote:

Tell her that the texting will be cut back if she doesn't meet your needs. She's using it to feed her needs, but it's creating other needs in you. If you cut back the texting, she will be unsatisfied and will feel more need. You'll also feel less, and it establishes you in control.



If that doesn't work, then try LadyPact's approach.
quote:

My thinking on the matter is that you most likely have to adjust during the work cycle. Shorter lengths of play during the work week (an hour or less) and a bit lighter in intensity. Save the stuff that is more complex or longer for during the weekend. (Assuming that is how her work cycle is scheduled.) During the week, don't go for things that are difficult for her to follow, such as humiliation scenes. Go for stuff that is on the lighter and shorter side. Shorter spanking sessions were already mentioned. I'd also be thinking things such as wax or fire cupping. Both of these can be done during shorter periods (I'm not talking about a full bust waxing here where you're going for "art") and come with the added benefit that they are very relaxing for the submissive. (I haven't met a bottom yet that didn't feel warm and dreamy after a wax scene.) If you're doing these kinds of things during the work week, she may even sleep better due to the types of play you are implementing, because she feels more relaxed when play is over. Something like needles or staples would be a little more intense in the pain sense, but can also be done in short periods. (Again, not especially aiming for "art" that takes longer.) Short bondage scenes would also be an idea. Just give her the quick version.




This is all assuming of course that you have already tried to discuss the issue with her.

(in reply to BeachMystress)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Dominant feeling lost - 3/22/2011 8:56:46 AM   
windchymes


Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: IronBear

You make good points, but not for me.. Don't you know lass, as much as I respect you and admire the stand you oft take, I am still the most evil, despicable and looking forward to becoming most hated bastard in Australia this day... I am NOT a nice, kind and gentle person.. I am hard, oft nasty, cruel and oft deliberately ruthless who will just as shoot someone than help them..




You talk and sing with your dogs! I ain't buying any of that for a second

_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

(in reply to IronBear)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Dominant feeling lost - 3/22/2011 9:58:52 AM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: IronBear

Don't you know lass, as much as I respect you and admire the stand you oft take, I am still the most evil, despicable and looking forward to becoming most hated bastard in Australia this day... I am NOT a nice, kind and gentle person.. I am hard, oft nasty, cruel and oft deliberately ruthless who will just as shoot someone than help them..


No, it isn't possible for me to know these things without significant interaction, particularly the sort that occurs face to face. Our dispositions are noticeably different and I don't gravitate to the attributes mentioned, but there are reasons for that as I'm certain you have your own.

quote:

At this time I am enjoying the company of a delightful lady of serious content who asked me to point her to the OP so she could neuter him and relieve his issues..


I'm curious how that might occur. With a virtual spear perhaps? *chuckles*

Namaste,

~porcelaine


_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to IronBear)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Dominant feeling lost - 3/22/2011 10:04:40 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		She works long hours (8-10 hours 5 days a week) from time to time and therefore she's often tired when she comes home from work.
Well, most people in the US work exactly those hours for their entire lives and they still manage to have an active sexual life. So I'm going to rule out the long work hours causing exhaustion.

and then when she gets home she's to tired to perform anything she expressed earlier or that I've asked of her. She's been given tasks to perform and then just forgotten them, simply because she's tired.
Well, I don't have a clue why she is so "tired", but what I do know is that if she doesn't have the energy to have a relationship then she can't have a relationship.

Honestly, there's so much going on here that is all mixed up and weird it's hard to know what to say. You've got a top/bottom relationship that you're trying to drag out of the bedroom. You're "training" her in that context which makes no sense to me at all. You do not trust her (and I'm going to guess that she doesn't trust you either). Whatever is going on here, you two are not sharing the problem you are both trying to solve it individually.

I'm going to go with "Look into medical issues." Failing that, I'd say she's just not in love and/or sexually turned on by you.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to dacrow)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Dominant feeling lost - 3/22/2011 10:15:26 AM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline 		REALLY... after the first couple lines I couldn't take it anymore. He was either whining or making excuses for her. Uh dude quit acting like a bitch... grow a set

BadOne

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Dominant feeling lost - 3/22/2011 10:29:06 AM   
BossyShoeBitch


Posts: 3931
Joined: 1/13/2007
From: South Florida
Status: offline 		I agree 100% with Aileen. And Steven.

Don't send her any of those texts all day. As soon as she walks in the front door, rip off her clothes, bend her over the couch, fuck her brains out, then tell her to go serve you dinner.

When it comes right down to it, she is testing you, even if she doesn't realize she is doing so. Everytime you let her get away with saying, "no", she slips away a little farther from you.

_____________________________

A clever man can get out of situations a wise man never gets into...
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

(in reply to SailingBum)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Dominant feeling lost - 3/22/2011 10:39:53 AM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		Whatever we may make of the situation, his coming here hasn't reviled anything too personal, has been thought out and expressed well. Discouraging well presented questions or dilemma's is rather sad, because where else can some people get the information they seek or find a better way? I can see people discouraging stupid questions of a certain kind or someone that gives personal details that would be embarrassing to the other party or something that could identify someone, but this one I have to disagree with some of you on.

I do agree that there is a lot of confusion in the situation as presented. However, I believe that by the time some cry out or seek, they are confused and it is understandable. Just yesterday an issue I have gone back and forth with in my personal life... because my answers effect so many people and situations, presented itself again. Talk about going through the ins and outs and being confused to the point of fear of making a move, in case I make the wrong one. We are human, some tend to wait too long on something and it gets complicated and confusing. Time and age also play into some things and learning experiences need time and age sometimes. We each had ours and whether or not we handled it like someone did or would, doesn't always matter does it?

OP, I think you are trying to do too many things, with too many things going on. Step by step or one by one, you need to figure out what is most important and address each thing, one by one. You can't take a whole situation and deal with it all at once, every situation or circumstance you find yourself in. You have dealt with making sure she has what she needs to better the situation. It still isn't working. Steven and LadyPact have given you some good information or suggestions. Implement them and see if that helps.

We do not know what your partner does for a living and I do believe a lot of that can effect things. I had to make a choice once, but I had to be free to make that choice and it took some time to implement. My basic thoughts were... I won't sell my life or emotions short for a job and I won't hurt myself for any amount of money. That made employment change beneficial and the evaluation of it all was worthwhile.

Another thing is you are trying to blend a topping situation with 24/7 and everything is getting confused. You are not in charge, per the typical view on D/s, but you are living a relationship you wish to work out and at this time it may not be something you can work out. You do however need to make it clear between you, what is going to happen. I can see where she may hesitate to be 24/7 because she is tired. It also sounds real good to get the icing without having to do the harder parts. Research, talk, talk again and again... and determine what you both want. Part of what you are going through seems to be simply that you aren't sure how it should go and no one here can tell you how it should go. They can tell you how it should go according to their lives, but they are not you. Trying different things is maybe the only way you can find out.


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No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!


(in reply to SailingBum)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Dominant feeling lost - 3/22/2011 10:50:10 AM   
Asfixation


Posts: 43
Joined: 3/11/2011
Status: offline
quote:

I feel that I don't trust her to always tell me when something is wrong, if something hurts in the "wrong way", if she's not up for it, if I do something to her that she doesn't want me to do.

But this is the subservient position and key to the rest of it.
You are a switch.
And she is testing the quality of your mastery.


< Message edited by Asfixation -- 3/22/2011 10:51:41 AM >

(in reply to Lockit)
Profile   Post #: 20
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