RE: When a Dom is too laid back... (Full Version)

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ExSteelAgain -> RE: When a Dom is too laid back... (3/28/2011 4:20:56 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

I would love a guy who is laid back in the daily life thing, but not laid back in play.

I think you can be laid back as a person, and not get rattled and crazy, and overly controlling over the mundane things we need to do, but I need the intensity and control in the private matters.


This is how many of us are, I believe. We are pretty regular type guys until we get a hard on and then a transformation takes place. The smiles disappear and the voice lowers. My gentle kisses change to demanding, hair pulling, assaults while my words demand she behave. There is no sex without her ass being red at the least.



porcelaine -> RE: When a Dom is too laid back... (3/28/2011 8:24:42 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

What it is about is whether or not she respect me, and my power, enough to defer to my wishes......even when it is difficult for her. I need to see that she is actively doing her best to serve ME. Not some fantasy of what she wants me to be but ME. If my 'style' does not fit her fantasy and her fantasy is more important than my reality.......then we are not a good fit.


You nailed this one on the head. That is what i was referencing. [;)]

And that's what many fail to uncover before the titles are exchanged and collars are placed. From my vantage point i can't see how this could occur unless some part of the discovery process was overlooked or the individual did a dramatic 180. And even in that instance i'd still wonder if either missed or failed to disclose pertinent details that may have altered their decision in hindsight.

Namaste,

~porcelaine



LaTigresse -> RE: When a Dom is too laid back... (3/28/2011 8:43:55 AM)

Yes. Unfortunately.....I think we human beings are all too good at seeing only what we so desperately WANT to see, and ignoring the obvious. Then we are, oh so good at, blaming everyone else when it doesn't turn out as we hoped it would.



porcelaine -> RE: When a Dom is too laid back... (3/28/2011 8:54:26 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

Yes. Unfortunately.....I think we human beings are all too good at seeing only what we so desperately WANT to see, and ignoring the obvious. Then we are, oh so good at, blaming everyone else when it doesn't turn out as we hoped it would.


People need to keep in mind that the other person will tell you what you want to hear to secure the role. Due diligence has its merits. [;)]

Namaste,

~porcelaine



LadyPact -> RE: When a Dom is too laid back... (3/28/2011 9:35:34 AM)

Yes, we used to call that bait and switch.  Put up one kind of demeanor to get the dynamic going and as time moved on, the 'real' person came through.  The act was enough for a while, but as the facade slipped over time, the dynamic isn't what the person thought they were getting into.  



LaTigresse -> RE: When a Dom is too laid back... (3/28/2011 10:09:54 AM)

It might just be me and my life experiences, but don't you think that if a person is attempting to to that, the signs are there and we just choose to ignore them?



LadyPact -> RE: When a Dom is too laid back... (3/28/2011 10:27:33 AM)

Maybe, LaT.  There are some other variables that go with it.  Some people are darn good actors in the beginning of a relationship.  Some people don't have to be that great of an actor to fool someone who has little or no relationship or BDSM experience.  I'm sure some of it gets mixed with new relationship energy so things aren't as easy to see until we're looking at them in hindsight. 

Of course, I don't think all situations that might be bait and switch are necessarily bait and switch.  There are times that folks legitimately change and don't want the same thing that they thought they wanted in the beginning.



Arpig -> RE: When a Dom is too laid back... (3/28/2011 10:38:47 AM)

I think that the "bait and switch" tactic is self defeating. You end up with the wrong person. If I were to present myself as a high protocol, micro-managing type Dom, then I'd get a girl into that sort of thing...and neither of us would be happy.

Maybe its an age or maturity thing (I know, I know, you're all thinking it...yeah right Arpig! You're the picture of maturity [;)]) but I'm just not all that interested in just getting laid anymore. I want more than that, I want real compatibility, so I try to present myself and what I want as honestly as possible. Not because I feel being deceptive is wrong, but because I am trying to find somebody who wants the same sort of relationship I want.



LaTigresse -> RE: When a Dom is too laid back... (3/28/2011 10:40:20 AM)

Very true. I can only look at my own progression to acknowledge that.

It also just came to mind that, because we are often so good at lying to ourselves, perhaps because we want so badly for something to BE........we do an excellent job of fooling ourselves for awhile. Pretending that we are taking the path that is correct for us. Trying to fit a role we believe we should be. Not even seeing our own red flags and signs, let alone making them clearly visible to others.

It is no wonder others do not see it either.



kiwisub12 -> RE: When a Dom is too laid back... (3/28/2011 1:06:36 PM)

I have experienced Dark Stevens scenerio, but from the other side. I went from a submissive strip-at-the-door, serve coffee on the tray relationship to a way more casual relationship, where dominance is expressed more in the bedroom than outside. It was .... interesting trying to adapt to his style - because i wanted to apply my first doms rules to him - which so didn't work.

It was very disconcerting to begin with - I felt that i had to try and guess what would make him happy - because he didn't tell me what to do. With my first dom, if he wanted coffee - he told me. With my dom now, he gets it himself (which was another hard thing to get used to!), or makes me a cup of tea as well. For a while , i felt ... inadequate, as if i wasn't being the person i should - but these were my expectations, not his, and i had to get over myself.

Each relationship is unique - and so are the people in them - and once i stopped expecting to serve the same way, i was able to relax and enjoy the man, and the relationship we actually have.
Life is good!



porcelaine -> RE: When a Dom is too laid back... (3/28/2011 1:37:14 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

Very true. I can only look at my own progression to acknowledge that.

It also just came to mind that, because we are often so good at lying to ourselves, perhaps because we want so badly for something to BE........we do an excellent job of fooling ourselves for awhile. Pretending that we are taking the path that is correct for us. Trying to fit a role we believe we should be. Not even seeing our own red flags and signs, let alone making them clearly visible to others.

It is no wonder others do not see it either.


i think you and LadyPact are both correct. Having had my own reality check regarding this subject, i think it's important to distinguish what we want and what we really need to be happy. i look for overlap and find there are certain things that don't carry over. Sometimes we can be wholly focused on the want and find ourselves getting that but the need side of things is rather unfulfilled. There's also the element of discomfort that i can't ignore, at least in my circumstances. The want can sound really good. Ideal in some cases and truly be what's best for you. But maybe it's a little too perfect. Perhaps the need addresses this and allows more flexibility in its selection than the other will.

Or maybe i have a thing for sadists that will put a foot in my... [:D]

Namaste,

~porcelaine



sexyred1 -> RE: When a Dom is too laid back... (3/28/2011 4:53:00 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: ExSteelAgain


quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

I would love a guy who is laid back in the daily life thing, but not laid back in play.

I think you can be laid back as a person, and not get rattled and crazy, and overly controlling over the mundane things we need to do, but I need the intensity and control in the private matters.


This is how many of us are, I believe. We are pretty regular type guys until we get a hard on and then a transformation takes place. The smiles disappear and the voice lowers. My gentle kisses change to demanding, hair pulling, assaults while my words demand she behave. There is no sex without her ass being red at the least.


Yes, I think there are those out there like that. However, I am reading some thoughts that people have expressed in this thread suggesting that there is no such thing and that those who possess these multifaceted feelings are in some way, acting or pretending to get what they want.

And while that may be true for some, there are, hopefully, more of what you have admitted to be.



UBICUO -> RE: When a Dom is too laid back... (3/28/2011 4:54:30 PM)

Here in Colombia, many girls say that they will marry first and later try to change how their husband is to adjust him to what they want. Don't know really if this happens everywere.

The idea is that they don't have a relationship with a person as it is, but as how they want it to be.

Sorry if I'm not clear, need many english classes yet!



sexyred1 -> RE: When a Dom is too laid back... (3/28/2011 4:59:49 PM)

I don't believe what you suggested is endemic to Colombia; I think people everywhere enter into relationships hoping to change, or hoping that their partner will change.

Which, in any country, is a recipe based to fail.



sunshinemiss -> RE: When a Dom is too laid back... (3/28/2011 6:47:46 PM)

Did I hear a Latino pop into the fray?



ChatteParfaitt -> RE: When a Dom is too laid back... (3/28/2011 6:59:36 PM)

It is said, "Women marry men hoping to change them, men marry women hoping they will never change."

Not sure who said that.





lizi -> RE: When a Dom is too laid back... (3/29/2011 8:18:10 AM)

I had a hard time with this in the beginning of my relationship, he's pretty laid back. I was and still am pretty new to these things so I wanted guidance and felt I wasn't getting enough. As time went on I saw that it was really a style I was suited better for...his laidback thing. I'm older, I've done a lot in my life and done it successfully. I don't need to be micromanaged, it chafes at me when I am and I tend to get a bit disrespectful if not in person, at least in my mind. I understand the 'do it because you are told' theme but it bothers me. I'd not do very well with someone like that and when I tried it out briefly in the beginning of my journey I quickly grew tired of the men that used it. I have a brain for a reason. On his side, in the past he'd tried a few online flings with women who wanted to be directed in every aspect of their life and he quickly tired of it. Told me it was WORK, and he didn't enjoy it. Nothing against those who enjoy that type of thing, it's just not for either of us.

As I mentioned before, I do enjoy some structure and the extra little surprises that come out of nowhere that let me know he's been paying attention. I work best with structure, set up the basic framework and I'll do my thing and fill in the gaps where I need to. For me, that's ideal. When he comes out of the blue with a request, or a demand, or a change, I pretty much love that. It's enough to let me know he's engaged in the relationship and is watching how things are going and stepping up when he needs to or wants to. That's enough for me.

I do think as I said before that it's another consideration that people have to blend together to form a relationship. It's more of a zone with most people than a finite marker, we can flex things up or down according to what our partners need.



CreativeDominant -> RE: When a Dom is too laid back... (3/29/2011 11:48:01 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968

I would consider Shorey to be laid back. We joke around a lot and have a lot of fun together, but there is always that underlying vibe of who has the power.
If he tells me to do something, I stop what ever it is that I was doing and do what he wants done.
But how much of that is done out of love for your partner vs. respect for your dynamic?

Tis a funny thing but how many submissives can come up with more reasons NOT to do that...and yet come on here and bitch that their dominant is not "dominant"?

i know that the dominant has a responsibility to fulfill his obligations. And some dominants...Stephen, Myself to a great extent...do take a laid-back approach. But...there is a difference between laidback to avoid micromanagement and laidback to avoid doing the hard part of our job. The latter does not work. But even the former...despite what some submissives tell you in the beginning about not wanting to be ordered about all the time...can be bad for a dynamic because the submissive discovers she needs MORE control OR balks at any sort of control that hits her "wrong" that day. Not to pick on anyone but take a look at what Gita(Giti) said earlier...she needs more control, he does it, he's doing it in such a way that he comes off as an asshole.

I guess this is where I should say communication, knowing what you want, and some work by both parties is called for. I am laidback...but like control. Not into all the protocol...but that does not mean I do not like any. Multi-faceted, as the gorgeous red noted. Communication is how you find that out, working at responsible control...ANY YIELDING it, is how the D/s work goes. Consider it said...heeding it will, as usual, be up to the individuals involved.



Aileen1968 -> RE: When a Dom is too laid back... (3/29/2011 2:56:36 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968

I would consider Shorey to be laid back. We joke around a lot and have a lot of fun together, but there is always that underlying vibe of who has the power.
If he tells me to do something, I stop what ever it is that I was doing and do what he wants done.
But how much of that is done out of love for your partner vs. respect for your dynamic?

Tis a funny thing but how many submissives can come up with more reasons NOT to do that...and yet come on here and bitch that their dominant is not "dominant"?

i know that the dominant has a responsibility to fulfill his obligations. And some dominants...Stephen, Myself to a great extent...do take a laid-back approach. But...there is a difference between laidback to avoid micromanagement and laidback to avoid doing the hard part of our job. The latter does not work. But even the former...despite what some submissives tell you in the beginning about not wanting to be ordered about all the time...can be bad for a dynamic because the submissive discovers she needs MORE control OR balks at any sort of control that hits her "wrong" that day. Not to pick on anyone but take a look at what Gita(Giti) said earlier...she needs more control, he does it, he's doing it in such a way that he comes off as an asshole.

I guess this is where I should say communication, knowing what you want, and some work by both parties is called for. I am laidback...but like control. Not into all the protocol...but that does not mean I do not like any. Multi-faceted, as the gorgeous red noted. Communication is how you find that out, working at responsible control...ANY YIELDING it, is how the D/s work goes. Consider it said...heeding it will, as usual, be up to the individuals involved.


I suppose I should clarify that I define laid back as being not into high protocol.

To answer your question....I turn my world upside down and make him my number one priority because I love him and because of my respect for him and the dynamic of our relationship. He gives me countless reasons every day to love and respect him. To me, both are equally important for a relationship to survive. Shore knows all aspects of my days. We can play in a poker tournament together, go out on his boat, enjoy our day, but the dynamic is always there. I do what he says. And I do it happily. There are things that I have to do every day for him. I have to tell him my weight and blood pressure. I have to tell him what I have to do workwise, things like that. I don't have to call him master while I do it. He's my best friend and my master. I crave his control. And he craves controlling me. I have never once thought of him as an asshole. He talks to me intelligently and respectfully even when correcting me. And then he busts my balls. Or I bust his.
I'm done rambling....





porcelaine -> RE: When a Dom is too laid back... (3/29/2011 3:55:04 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant

i know that the dominant has a responsibility to fulfill his obligations. And some dominants...Stephen, Myself to a great extent...do take a laid-back approach. But...there is a difference between laidback to avoid micromanagement and laidback to avoid doing the hard part of our job.


i don't think being laid back has anything to do with protocol. It is really the individual's approach to their life and how they handle themselves. Being laid back doesn't mean an omission of structure, but it does suggest one isn't a slave to or overly ruled back it. They're generally more adaptable and may operate at a slower pace that reflects their desire to make time for things that bring them pleasure. There isn't a frantic energy around them, but that doesn't mean they aren't hard workers.

The problem in all of this is that it requires each person to accurately assess themselves prior to engagement, in particular their style of relating and its suitable complement. And as you've noted people assume one thing and go on to find it does/does not work for them when involved which can lead to issues down the line. i also feel there's a scale when speaking of structure and being laid back. Knowing where you sit upon it is very helpful. Sometimes you need an individual with a similar mindset, and others you need the very opposite.

The information isn't hard to ascertain when you look at it in its normal context which does not include BDSM. A laissez-faire man will rarely become mister micromanagement. To expect that is rather futile. I would also take into consideration if what one observes is temporary (ex: unemployment) or a fixed state. An individual may exhibit one or the other in response to something going on at present that may not be in place several months down the road. In this guise they are 'one thing' but that isn't the default.

Namaste,

~porcelaine



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