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When a Dom is too laid back... - 3/27/2011 8:56:43 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		I'm a pretty laid back Dom.  And I have had a problem with submissives as a result.

I demand less from myself, and from some submissives, than they demand from themselves.  Inevitably, they feel frustrated, and the frustration leads to things going downhill.

Has anyone else been in a situation like this?  If so, how did you deal with it?


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RE: When a Dom is too laid back... - 3/27/2011 9:04:22 AM   
Aileen1968


Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline 		I would consider Shorey to be laid back. We joke around a lot and have a lot of fun together, but there is always that underlying vibe of who has the power.
If he tells me to do something, I stop what ever it is that I was doing and do what he wants done.

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RE: When a Dom is too laid back... - 3/27/2011 9:04:31 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		The bottom line is that you cannot lead someone who's going faster than you are. That pretty much puts them in front, not you. There is no way to deal with this that I know of short of the obvious... you speed up, they slow down, or else call it quits.

Carol, I think twice now, has commented that I wasn't leading aggressively enough. I picked up the pace. That's about the same as when I've commented that she wasn't submitting enough. It seems to me this is one of those compatibility things. If two people want to be compatible then they'll make it work. If they want the hawt thrills (or laid back environment) more than the partner, then it fails. But then it would've failed anyway.

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RE: When a Dom is too laid back... - 3/27/2011 9:08:28 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline 		Yes... my Husband is very laid back... consequently i have to sort of make sure He pushes me enough... so i have to ask or beg for things... which is very annoying and also humiliating at times... depending on what time of the month it is for me... as i am totally hormonal aswell at times, it might be a bloody battle, but that keeps things interesting...
sometimes i suspect He is very very happy that i am out of the door dancing the night away while He lays back infront of the telly

ETA there is no doubt that He is the boss though... Him being laid back just means it takes some work from me to get my needs met... hail manipulation, i have slowly learnt over the last 20 years how to play the game with Him


< Message edited by ranja -- 3/27/2011 9:19:54 AM >

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RE: When a Dom is too laid back... - 3/27/2011 9:17:05 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

It seems to me this is one of those compatibility things.

I honestly believe that it is.  It's really no different than someone with a different Domination style not matching up.  For example, I don't match well with those who aren't big on structure.  In that situation, I would be just as frustrated if someone wanted a laid back approach. 

I'm pretty firm in My thoughts of the Dominant knowing what kind of tone they want to have in the dynamic and then finding a s who is looking for that.  When you try to change your style to suit someone's wants, you're not really being you.  It might mean that you have to have a little more patience to find the right fit, but that's better than trying to change who you are.



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RE: When a Dom is too laid back... - 3/27/2011 9:33:23 AM   
sirssubk2008


Posts: 248
Joined: 1/1/2011
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact


 

I'm pretty firm in My thoughts of the Dominant knowing what kind of tone they want to have in the dynamic and then finding a s who is looking for that.  When you try to change your style to suit someone's wants, you're not really being you.  It might mean that you have to have a little more patience to find the right fit, but that's better than trying to change who you are.




I definitely agree. When conversing with a Dom, I always try to draw out their tone up front. If their's doesn't click with mine, I usually try to look and see if it might be able to in the future, mainly because of being new to this, I only have a general perception of what I want and need, so I have to look at possibilities as well. I have learned not to voice this to Dom's because the majority of them have thought they, after just a few messages, can determine my wants and needs.
I look at relationships in this lifestyle much the same as I did in vanilla. I'm not looking for casual play, so I need to be certain that we 'click' on several points. Now granted, there is always some kind of compromise in relationships at some point, however, IMO, if you're compromising right out of the gate, it will never work.

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RE: When a Dom is too laid back... - 3/27/2011 9:33:24 AM   
flcouple2009


Posts: 2784
Joined: 1/8/2009
Status: offline 		My biggest complaint has always been that I am just too intense.  As one person put it, "your like being plugged into an electrical outlet,  your always on, it's go go go full throttle, no matter what your doing, I just wish sometimes you had an off switch".

But yes I have been accused of being soft and not a "true" dominant over things like opening doors.  I have never been interested in the protocol, books of rules, and certainly not micomanaging someones life.

I get bored easily with that kind of setup.  I like my women with thoughts and opinions.  I like to spoil the people who take care of me and truthfully some submissive women just can't handle that. 

I am more of this is what I like so I expect the partner to take care and present themselves within those guidelines.  This is how I expect the house to be run.  It's a frame work they should be able to handle it from there.  If I have to make rules, make list, manage how things are done then I might as well do it myself. 

It really is a matter of just finding the right person.  That's not always an easy task. 

In the end I found a rather independent, strong willed, intelligent, dominant in her own ways partner who makes me the happiest I have ever been.  I have never shared this much of the power within the house with anyone before and probably never would again.  Nor would she ever release some of her independence in the same manner, certainly never again to another man.

You'll find the right fit.  Enjoy the search in the meantime.

< Message edited by flcouple2009 -- 3/27/2011 9:36:16 AM >

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RE: When a Dom is too laid back... - 3/27/2011 9:44:27 AM   
BKSir


Posts: 4037
Joined: 4/8/2008
From: Salt Lake City, UT
Status: offline 		Most definitely. I tend to be extremely laid back and self sufficient at the same time. This leads to my subs feeling a bit... how to say? "Uncontrolled" at times, and on occasion, feeling like they might not be doing a good enough job at what they do, so I don't want them to do anything.

Don't get me wrong though, when it is time to exert that control, I have no problem doing so. But for the most part, unless I specifically ask them to do something, I'd often prefer to do it myself. It can be difficult to explain to them that what they do is just wonderful. After all, if it weren't, I wouldn't have them as my pet. And that letting them live this spoiled life as my pet is precisely what makes me happy as their dom.

However, there have been a couple who still required more, and compromises had to be made, just as in any relationship. Me giving them more responsibilities and them learning to accept that when I say "No, I've got this.", it means "No, I've got this.", and don't reach in trying to help, because you probably will get things all flustered and out of order of how I want it done specifically.

Communication and compromise, again just as in any relationship, are the keys. :)

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RE: When a Dom is too laid back... - 3/27/2011 9:46:56 AM   
Phoenixpower


Posts: 8098
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

The bottom line is that you cannot lead someone who's going faster than you are. That pretty much puts them in front, not you. There is no way to deal with this that I know of short of the obvious... you speed up, they slow down, or else call it quits.

Carol, I think twice now, has commented that I wasn't leading aggressively enough. I picked up the pace. That's about the same as when I've commented that she wasn't submitting enough. It seems to me this is one of those compatibility things. If two people want to be compatible then they'll make it work. If they want the hawt thrills (or laid back environment) more than the partner, then it fails. But then it would've failed anyway.


Well said.

I was willing to give a guy a chance recently who was also quite laid back...now...I never managed to take him serious as what I consider to be a Dom in my life, so to accept him more on a guy with interest in kink, yes, but a Dom? No.

It failed at the end as it became apparent that he wouldnt pull his weight in a relationship. I don't mind that I would be earning more than he does when I am back in work, but I do mind the fact that he doesnt show any interest in changing his situation in looking into it how to improve his career as there are many ways out there as I showed it to him.

So to consider him as being "the Dom" or even the guy with some interest in kink, when he just takes the handy back seat a la I would be working my arse off so he does not have to do anthing really...that ain't gonna work...as that just feels to me that I would have to keep dragging and pushing him to take his life more serious and I don't need that drama in my life. If he doesn't want to move on with his life and doesn't want to get back on track with it, then thats his choice as you can't help someone to improve his life, no matter how much he claims he would want certain improvements, if he doesn't show the effort to do his part on it.

In general I have the view that I expect from a guy as much as I expect from myself...in this case I gave some exceptions but it shows it ain't gonna work.

So this is merely to add to what leadership527 already said, meaning what he said as well as that sometimes general work ethics can also impact on a potential relationship.


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RE: When a Dom is too laid back... - 3/27/2011 9:46:56 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		Three or four times many years ago. It was sheer incompatability. (mostly because the chaps assumed that desiring a Master meant I was submissive)

M is laid back in so many ways but there's a deep and dark line that isn't wise to cross.

Jeff touched on it....I HAVE to know he's up ahead of me.....if he's not, the whole show starts to slides off the tracks. There's only one way our realtionship can work firing on all cylinders and that means we have to be in synch. He HAS to do things he may be fed up doing because it's necessary......I also have to do the same thing. I don't always want to do what he tells me to but that IS what it's about.

If he's not on my back with his heels in my ribs, then I'm going my own way and tough luck.

agirl






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RE: When a Dom is too laid back... - 3/27/2011 9:48:20 AM   
GhitaAmati


Posts: 3263
Joined: 5/30/2007
Status: offline 		Currently having pretty much this exact problem in my own relationship, just from the other side of things.

I dont really have an answer for you on what to do about it, other than to just tell you that you aint alone. My Top half knows I want more structure and a firmer hand, but when he tries all he ends up doing is coming across as an asshole and not really as a Dom. And he knows that, so it never lasts very long when he tries. So I get frustrated and rebel harder trying to force him to be firmer, but it never works because he just ignores me and doesnt try. Then we fall apart and yell at each other for a month. Then I apologize and so does he and we start the cycle all over. Been doing it for about 7 years now.


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RE: When a Dom is too laid back... - 3/27/2011 9:53:10 AM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		I'm pretty laid back most of the time (Part of the Aussie nature ), I'm usually in strufe with either Neets or who is here for getting myself coffee and what ever, but as I comment "I'm on my feet and closer to the kitchen why move when I'm old and ugly enough to get it myself?"Other times I have no hesitation in asking for coffee. What has unsettled the odd slave is my lack of using whip crack commands where as I prefer to make suggestions which I expect to be heeded instantly and acted upon asap.. Most times I miss not having a slave at my feet but prefer to get things form myself as the way I want them.. Probably will change if the leg keeps screwing up and I can't get to the kitchen and make coffees and cook food..


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RE: When a Dom is too laid back... - 3/27/2011 9:59:43 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GhitaAmati

So I get frustrated and rebel harder trying to force him to be firmer, but it never works because he just ignores me and doesnt try.


Yes... i tried that... it didn't work for me either... my Husband is dominant, and sadistic too... there is NO way i can force Him to do anything at all... worse; if He feels forced even in the very slightest He ain't gonna play the game period
I have to ask politely and nicely... beg even... and even then He makes me wait... the bloody bastard

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RE: When a Dom is too laid back... - 3/27/2011 10:09:11 AM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		Friend commented that his grandfather was so laid back he died in his sleep no fuss no bother................Not like the rest of the passengers in his car.. 

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RE: When a Dom is too laid back... - 3/27/2011 10:11:58 AM   
BKSir


Posts: 4037
Joined: 4/8/2008
From: Salt Lake City, UT
Status: offline 		Actually, IB, that's exactly how I feel and do things as well. I mean, yeah, if I've just dragged my ass home from a 14 hour day at work and have sat down without grabbing myself something to drink or nibble, goddamn right I'm going to have my pet get me a cider or tea or something. But normally, if I'm home, I'm not doing anything important and can go get it my own damned self, and probably peek in the pantry or refrigerator or whatever for a snack or something as well. Granted, I certainly do miss having a sub around right now, because those long and painful days in the kitchen are more and more frequent. I'd love to come home to one waiting for me with a cold cider and a plate of wild boar sopressata, some lovely bread, a bit of brie and olive oil. And if I did have a sub right now, that would be one of the standing instructions. But as it is, I don't, and even if I did, it would still probably be a while until I got him taught how to do them just right, although the effort each time would be appreciated. :)

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RE: When a Dom is too laid back... - 3/27/2011 10:14:47 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		Another thing I'd like to add. I suspect that the phrase "too laid back" is a gross over-simplification. Most humans are laid back in some areas and very definitely NOT laid back in others. That would apply to both you and a submissive. So the trick then is not to "both be 7.2 on the laid-back scale" but rather to get a more or less matching set of areas where the two of you are laid back and not.... back to compatibility.

So then it seems to me that there's a few strategies which are not mutually exclusive. You can either find someone who just happens to line up pretty well and work it from there or you can dominate someone and drive the compatibility by changing them. The second of those works so long as you're talking about a pair where a natural D/s relationship arises since at the dawn of the relationship there won't be anything else to work with. That was Carol and I. There were a fair number of incompatibilities in us when we met. In hindsight, I chalk up a lot of the movement towards compatibility as being a function of her submitting to my vision of a marriage.


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I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
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RE: When a Dom is too laid back... - 3/27/2011 10:15:31 AM   
Arpig


Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline 		Well...a topic that applies directly to me. I am laid back (an understatement, I'm the archetype for the LazyDom). My "style" has been expounded on in other posts and in my profile, so I'm not going to write an essay here.

My experience is much like yours Steven, things go downhill. My experience also tells me that the majority of subs want structure in their world, they seem to mostly want and crave a controlling Dom. I'm not that guy...that all seems like to damn much work to me (its that LazyDom thing again). Walk two paces behind me? Why, I can't hold her hand or put my arm around her that way...in fact I'd rather she were two paces in front of me so I could admire her ass. I'm not big on protocol, structure, or titles, if she said "Master", I'd probably look around to see who she was talking to.

What do you do about it? Wait for a sub who wants the comfortable, loose, structure-free sort of domination you offer. Anything else would simply be cheating the both of you.

Edited because the "-" makes it clearer.


< Message edited by Arpig -- 3/27/2011 10:17:03 AM >

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RE: When a Dom is too laid back... - 3/27/2011 10:16:09 AM   
hausboy


Posts: 2360
Joined: 9/5/2010
Status: offline 		Steven
I agree with what the others have said.  If you are with a sub that you really want to continue moving forward with, and the feedback she's giving you is that you are too laid back and she needs more-- then you've got to decide if she's worth it to you to make that effort--or keep looking for a more compatible person.

I'll make the comparison of clothing--do you want something that fits perfectly right off the clothing rack....or do you get it tailored to fit you?  Or do you wear it over time and adjust ...and let it conform to your shape?

I play regularly with a very strict Dom--I serve his Household about once a month, it's been a couple of years now-- and there was a period where he was getting very laid back and casual with me. Sometimes that's fine--but for awhile, I was at a place where I really needed a more strict environment.  I sent him an email before my next visit to his House (we live over an hour away from each other), and when I showed up-- I presented him with a note from one of my other Households. (where I do not receive discipline) , asking for his "assistance" in addressing some performance issues.  The rest of the correspondence is private, but it essentially made him aware that there were times when he needed to be a lot less laid back--and I believe we've found a really good balance these days.

Do what feels right--but if she's worth it--make the effort! good luck Steven!

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RE: When a Dom is too laid back... - 3/27/2011 11:20:38 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		Steven,
I'd be interested in hearing in what way you mean *laid-back*. I think M is pretty laid-back, Aileen says Shore is, Arpig is too, BK mentioned it along with being self-sufficient etc......but we all are talking about an *overall* thing in our own relationships. The specifics will vary wildly.

M is laid-back person but he's not a laid-back dominant. There are certain things that have to be there for this to be an M/s relationship....He has to be in charge and there is no * not tonight Josephine* aspect to that.......just as I have to follow him for the same reason. He couldn't do a *whatever* anymore than I could.

We're not hugely fussy about much beyond that.

agirl






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RE: When a Dom is too laid back... - 3/27/2011 11:34:33 AM   
NocturnalStalker


Posts: 3858
Joined: 12/4/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: GhitaAmati

Currently having pretty much this exact problem in my own relationship, just from the other side of things.

I dont really have an answer for you on what to do about it, other than to just tell you that you aint alone. My Top half knows I want more structure and a firmer hand, but when he tries all he ends up doing is coming across as an asshole and not really as a Dom.



*Headdesk*


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