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RE: safe words - 4/7/2011 5:05:18 PM

rikkyredbottom

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Joined: 4/7/2011
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call me old fashioned, but- safe words are simply a way of topping from the bottom. I am her property. What she wishes to do is always perfect.

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RE: safe words - 4/7/2011 5:38:55 PM

IrishMist

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Arturas

Rough crowd here. Would you say such things face to face, I wonder.

There are many divergent opinions here. Good thing since we in the BDSM community are nothing if we are not divergent. These different opinions are to be at the least tolerated because each is right for the person writing the post. For example, the post indicating the Dom is the slave when a save word is used is a common one uttered in the Gorean threads and it is true for slaves who are not BDSM oriented; it is right and true for them. Another example is the post indicating one should be using the safe word or they might as well be vanilla; this is very true if one likes to be pushed to the limit of their tolerance or is an edge player. A third different but just as true opinion is the one saying she hardly used safe words. I am personally familiar with the notion that a Dom should not depend on a submissive to use the safe word because quite frankly the ones I have met would die rather than utter one or they were flying and unable to even if they wanted.

Some of these posts pained me to read them. These are the posts that use the words "juvenile" and "presumptuous" and "ignorant"and "childishness". This post will pain those who wrote those words about other people they have never met. Oh well, a Master loves balance and a Dom loves contrast and I am doing both today.

20 years of knowing my own mind, wants, desires, and needs is more than enough to tell ME that I don't need some self righteous, self proclaimed 'master' telling me that my 'words' to others will come back to 'pain' me.

Sometimes arturas, you can say something really profound...other times, the shit you spew is just that...a load of shit.

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Post #: 82

RE: safe words - 4/7/2011 5:50:20 PM

slaveboy1991

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I think safe words are good. but it does spice it up when their is no limit

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RE: safe words - 5/26/2011 1:47:58 AM

michaelDHS

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Joined: 5/25/2011
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maybe in casual play someone might feel safer with it but if i trust Her enough to wear Her collar i would not want to insult that trust by asking Her for a safeword..

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Post #: 84

RE: safe words - 5/26/2011 2:49:19 AM

lally2

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i was once made to understand the value of a safe word for the benefit of the Dominant but thats the only reason i would use one. i dont or havent so much, played casually with someone i dont know but for me that would be the other time id have one.

so, if my Dominant said for me to use a safe word on an occasion when he wanted to just get lost in the moment and the play then i would, for him. but for myself the idea of having any sort of control handed over to me is icky and possibly more dangerous than safe because id have to be really really really struggling before i used it, which i guess is the point, but there is the danger that play would go way beyond because of my reluctance to use the control id been given.

the way i see it the Dominant would have to really trust that the sub would not abuse the safe word either by using it too soon or not soon enough.

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Post #: 85

RE: safe words - 5/26/2011 5:32:24 AM

ChatteParfaitt

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From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
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quote:

for myself the idea of having any sort of control handed over to me is icky . . .the way i see it the Dominant would have to really trust that the sub would not abuse the safe word either by using it too soon or not soon enough.

Since I have a sub side, I totally get the part about not wanting to have control. That's the whole point for me. And when I am deep in sub space, I am not consciously verbal. I may say things like "Oh My God" but that really that doesn't mean much. I'm into a feeling place, not a thinking place. Expecting me to be capable of using a safe word is ludicrous.

It's the dominant's job to bring the s-type up out of that space a bit and check in with them. Asking "How are you doing?" will generally get a response. If it doesn't, demanding a response in your stern dom voice should, although it might bring the sub out entirely. This is where the interplay between dom and sub is so very important. Some sadistic doms don't want their sub so deep b/c in that space, all sensation is good. They want the sub to feel the pain instead of flying with it.

Also, it has been my experience that masochistic male subs are quite macho, the very idea of using a safe word is abhorrent to them. Most will never safe word, even if they are capable of it, and even if they need to.

Safe words will never be a substitute for playing close attention and knowing your play partner well.

As always, JMO, YMMV.

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Post #: 86

RE: safe words - 5/26/2011 5:32:58 AM

mynxkat

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I have access to a safeword, but I've never needed to use it with Master. If something Master is doing is uncomfortable, or not QUITE right to send me up like a rocket I tell him, so he's aware of just exactly what reactions he's producing, and can decide if they're the ones he wants. After all, we've only been living in the same house for a year now, we're still learning just exactly where all those wonderful fun buttons are.

The safeword is for use in an emergency. If I fall into some headspace that is really bad, or have some serious physical problem, or even panic attack, etc. Not that any of those has ever happened. But if it does, it's there. It's a safety net.

I know most people use safewords like 'yellow' and 'red'. Nice and clear, easy to remember. I've always used 'mercy' as my safeword. It's not a word I ordinarily use, and it just seems to fit.

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RE: safe words - 5/26/2011 8:02:38 AM

ranja

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my safeword is awaiting approval... it doesn't work

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Post #: 88

RE: safe words - 5/26/2011 11:53:25 AM

HeatherMcLeather

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quote:

but for myself the idea of having any sort of control handed over to me is icky and possibly more dangerous than safe because id have to be really really really struggling before i used it, which i guess is the point, but there is the danger that play would go way beyond because of my reluctance to use the control id been given.

THIS!!!

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RE: safe words - 5/26/2011 1:38:22 PM

mummyman321

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I am a big fan of the "Stop Light" system for safe words

Green - Keep on going, do not slow down
Yellow - Slow down, I need time to adjust, I need a short break
Red - Stop

I am always a firm believe in safe words. Its great for new people starting out. It allows the 2 to play and yet have a way to tell when you are approaching that person's limit.

Now many who have played together for a while do not use Safe words because they know each others limits very well. But I still want the Safe word option. So when you are trying something new that you have not done before, there can be communication if needed.

Then there is real life medical issues that can pop up, especially as you get older. You might be having a panic attack, a fast heart rate that will not calm down, a pain that is not normal and a 1000 other possibilites that you should have the right to say stop, I need help.

I will never agree to the No Safe word play. Its careless play in my humble opinion. Not even a medical doctor could allways know if you are okay.

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Post #: 90

RE: safe words - 5/26/2011 7:47:51 PM

DesFIP

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From: Apple County NY
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quote:

ORIGINAL: HeatherMcLeather

quote:

but for myself the idea of having any sort of control handed over to me is icky and possibly more dangerous than safe because id have to be really really really struggling before i used it, which i guess is the point, but there is the danger that play would go way beyond because of my reluctance to use the control id been given.
THIS!!!

Unless of course you're a diabetic and about to pass out because you haven't eaten. Wouldn't you rather be able to stop play before you faint and hit something when you fall?

It isn't always about pain tolerance. It can be physical problems as well. Or emotional ones.

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RE: safe words - 5/27/2011 2:19:18 AM

lally2

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i think like others have said, just the simple word 'stop' should be enough if youre a person who most usually would never shout stop in a million years.

for me its the clinical use of a system that would completely put me off before i began. the idea that id be asked for a colour somewhere along the line and have to actually think about where i was and how i was doing.

added to that the notion that underneath it all i had the final control.

looking back ive been in some pretty hard situations that if id had a safeword i would have used it. but since i didnt we got to the end of what my partner was heading for and the bonding and catharsis and sub spacey euphoria was worth all the tears and struggle.

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

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Post #: 92

RE: safe words - 5/27/2011 3:57:46 AM

angelikaJ

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My Master will not play without them.

He has to trust I will be willing to use them if necessary.

It is not topping from the bottom if I do.

I have used them very rarely, perhaps twice in over 2 years.

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RE: safe words - 5/27/2011 4:10:18 AM

DesFIP

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lally, if you use the word stop, and he does, then that's a safeword for you. And that means you had that control you say you don't. Sometimes I'm not able to articulate a full sentence and one word is all I can say. Sometimes I can't speak at all but I can make a gesture. It's just information he needs to know. He certainly doesn't want me vomiting with a gag on and possibly breathing it in and dying. Hell, he doesn't want me vomiting all over the room either. So if I need immediate release and explaining the problem is an issue, a safeword is a way to quickly solve the problem.

I understand you have never had any issue where you needed to quickly end things, but can you not see that for some of us our experiences have been different?

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Post #: 94

RE: safe words - 6/1/2011 8:08:48 AM

slaveluna

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From: slaveluna
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I personally think safe words are ridiculous. I do not have one and my owner knows me enough to not have to use one. If I have a cramp I will tell him...he can also tell by my reactions so he sometimes will ask me how I am doing. He owns me, can do whatever the hell he wants to me, so in my opinion I have no right to ask him to stop...

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RE: safe words - 6/1/2011 8:13:14 AM

CelticPrince

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quote:

Greetings,

Safe words are not a part of my relationships. Why do i need to be "safe" with my partner? If there's a problem i let him know and we go from there. i suppose there is some usefulness for those that play casually. But i couldn't fathom it outside of those circumstances.

Namaste,

Simply put...ditto

CP

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RE: safe words - 6/1/2011 9:06:25 AM

Asherscorp1

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I think safe-words are a must-have for people who don't know each other well and should always be used by anyone who would feel uncomfortable without one. I don't have a safe-word now but M and I started out using one. Even though I have never needed to use it I did need it there for piece of mind in the beginning.

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RE: safe words - 6/1/2011 9:11:04 AM

crazyml

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Meh. Safewords can be handy in some cases, pointless in others, I personally think it's ridiculous to say they're ridiculous. They may not apply to you but they seem to work very well for others.

If I'm playing for the first time with someone I always suggest a safeword, and will respond to it it it's used without hesitation. While I do fancy myself as a pretty fucking empathetic chap, I'm not so full of hubris and overconfidence to believe that I'm going to be able to read someone I don't know all that well.

Sure, as the relationship develops and we get to know eachother's vibes, rhythms, reactions a safeword becomes redundant.

In the past I've used the traffic light system with subs that were particularly into pain play - again, it seems thoroughly sensible in the early stages.

I did adapt it with one playmate - by adding "push". If she safeworded, I'd say "push" and she'd have the opportunity to safeword again if she was sure she wanted to stop, or to continue without it (She saw this as my recognising that her boundaries were being pushed, and felt ok continuing on that basis).

So, personally, if playing with a stanger, or a relative stanger, I'm all for them - in an established, trusting relationship they ought (in general) to be redundant.

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RE: safe words - 6/1/2011 9:15:32 AM

slaveluna

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Like I said, it's my opinion :)

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RE: safe words - 6/1/2011 9:18:55 AM

crazyml

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quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveluna

Like I said, it's my opinion :)

Errr... and like I said, it's my opinion that your opinion is ridiculous...

But ya know, we're not going to get very far with this banter, dazzling as it may seem.

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