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RE: Subs - married? - 5/9/2006 11:00:35 AM

denika

Posts: 619
Joined: 8/30/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SubmissiveEntity

From a married submissive's point of view, I imagine it would be a cold day in hell when a married submissive or dom states upfront they are married in their profile (or otherwise) and gets any responses. Just like anybody else, a married sub or dom (male or female) have the same need to be part of the D's world.

So what to do? Lie. Perhaps their is a remote possiblity the married sub will be able to find a partner on the outside of the marriage to fulfill what is missing in his/her marriage. Is it right? I'm not making that call but merely stating this is perhaps typical for many.

Brrr, then I better go grab my sweater since my profile clearly states I am married my husband does not play me, I bottom to Knight of Mists and yet I still get all sorts of intresting and I have to admit a few scary responses.But mostly positive. I have yet to see a downside the the relationships we have developed. My husband has a great friendship with my Top, we all get along. It takes honesty and integrigty to make anything work.

Rob and I have been together for 16 years, it's not about what is missing it's about enhancing the dynamic we have.I am so very happy not to be typical

denika

< Message edited by denika -- 5/9/2006 11:04:34 AM >

(in reply to SubmissiveEntity)

Post #: 21

RE: Subs - married? - 5/9/2006 11:48:55 AM

slavegirl18666

Posts: 18
Joined: 11/1/2005
From: Burlington, On
Status: offline

I think that it would be totally misleading for someone not to let the person who is interested in them not know they were married from the beginning. I do understand in a sense that someone would not like to set themself up for possible dissappoinment by not putting themselves as married in thier profile, but it would be idea for that person to do so. That's why i have lots of respect for people who are married and put themselves out there as married. But, if you feel it's not for you to put it in your profile, you should at least give the person that's intersted in you the benefit of knowing the truth just in case they aren't comfortable and would like to back out before getting thereselved in to deep. As for waiting to tell, i think this is completely wrong, and if you are a sub that would hide that, then you are being very misleading.

On the other hand, if you are married and seperated, i'm not sure if this is such a good thing to hide. I myself had this problem and i kept it from my Master, who i live with 24/7. He didn't find out that i was married until it had to come out (even though i was seperated) and luckily enough he was okay with this. At that moment i could have lost what i have worked so hard to obtain in our M/s relationship because i could have lost his trust completely. Luckily m that wasn't the case and he didn't find it much of a problem (although he did tell me he wished that i had informed him before hand). So, it would be wrong for me to tell you not to keep it, but i know now what i did was wrong, and hopefully by me sharing my mistake, you can understand it's best to get all out upfront.

(in reply to denika)

Post #: 22

RE: Subs - married? - 5/9/2006 3:10:41 PM

akisha

Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline

As long as everyone is open and honest there shouldn't be any problems. Hiding facts like a spouse or children in the home is. But the thing is if someone is hiding something it would never work anyway.

I have no problem with being involved with someone that is married as long as the spouse is aware or better yet somewhat involved.

The world is opening up to so many new demensions especially in this lifestyle. A couple, even if both into BDSM may not be involved that way with each other. There are Dominant couples that have their own slaves or share one or more. There are submissive couples that sub to the same or different Dominants. And there are the couples where one is Dominant and one is submissive but not to each other. the submissive one has his or her own Dominant and the Dominant one has His or Her own submissive/slave. Yet they all still share the love of one another as a married or committed couple.

The main thing is the more people you add into your life the more you have to consantrate on communication and honesty.

_____________________________

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Post #: 23

RE: Subs - married? - 5/9/2006 7:16:03 PM

SubmissiveEntity

Posts: 10
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: denika

quote:

ORIGINAL: SubmissiveEntity

From a married submissive's point of view, I imagine it would be a cold day in hell when a married submissive or dom states upfront they are married in their profile (or otherwise) and gets any responses. Just like anybody else, a married sub or dom (male or female) have the same need to be part of the D's world.

So what to do? Lie. Perhaps their is a remote possiblity the married sub will be able to find a partner on the outside of the marriage to fulfill what is missing in his/her marriage. Is it right? I'm not making that call but merely stating this is perhaps typical for many.

Brrr, then I better go grab my sweater since my profile clearly states I am married my husband does not play me, I bottom to Knight of Mists and yet I still get all sorts of intresting and I have to admit a few scary responses.But mostly positive. I have yet to see a downside the the relationships we have developed. My husband has a great friendship with my Top, we all get along. It takes honesty and integrigty to make anything work.

Rob and I have been together for 16 years, it's not about what is missing it's about enhancing the dynamic we have.I am so very happy not to be typical

denika

Denika it appears you didn't read all the posts in this thread. I theorized that gender takes a huge part in the volume of responses a person gets based on whether you are female or male. A high number of responses means a greater selection to choose from. I glad it works for you. But I willing to bet it doesn't work for the majority of married folk here.

(in reply to denika)

Post #: 24

RE: Subs - married? - 5/9/2006 10:38:02 PM

proudsub

Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline

quote:

[ I would like to know in the first conversation something as important as that - not weeks later!

Next time try asking in the first conversation.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

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(in reply to carriefen)

Post #: 25

RE: Subs - married? - 5/9/2006 10:42:51 PM

Lordandmaster

Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline

Liars on the internet? Impossible! Whoda thunk it?

quote:

ORIGINAL: carriefen

Is it just me or has anybody else found this problem?

(in reply to carriefen)

Post #: 26

RE: Subs - married? - 5/10/2006 5:17:10 AM

twicehappy

Posts: 2706
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SubmissiveEntity

From a married submissive's point of view, I imagine it would be a cold day in hell when a married submissive or dom states upfront they are married in their profile (or otherwise) and gets any responses.

Wow! Hell must have been frozen for a long time now.

From my Master's profile;

I'm half of a Dom/Domme couple

From my Mistress's profile;

I am the co-dominant in a poly home, by co-dominant I mean I am married to another dominant. (Male… of course)

Many have responded to both. I do not mind responding to a profile that states someone is married. What i really do object to is spending my time only to discover the person i am speaking with is married and cheating. Honesty being one of the cornerstones of the lifestyle, how could i ever trust a person who lied from the start?

_____________________________

Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations.

The human heart is not a finite container but an ever expanding universe with all the stars contained there in.

(in reply to SubmissiveEntity)

Post #: 27

RE: Subs - married? - 5/10/2006 9:30:26 AM

denika

Posts: 619
Joined: 8/30/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SubmissiveEntity

Denika it appears you didn't read all the posts in this thread. I theorized that gender takes a huge part in the volume of responses a person gets based on whether you are female or male. A high number of responses means a greater selection to choose from. I glad it works for you. But I willing to bet it doesn't work for the majority of married folk here.
/quote]

SubmisiveEntry:
I wasn't answering back to others threads on the post I was answering back to you and the questions you posed. The original question you posted said nothing of theories but of opinions.

There are those on line who will lie or lie by omission just the same as in a face to face encounter but there are also those male and female Dom and sub alike who tell the truth. I have a feeling the majority of married people on here would beg to differ about it not working. Everyone is going to have an individual experience, from the sound of it you've had a very negative one some where down the line to have such a hard line opinion. Does this style of relationship work for everybody, no it doesn't but the point is you can have a happy, healthy functioning poly relationship blended into a marriage.

denika

(in reply to SubmissiveEntity)

Post #: 28

RE: Subs - married? - 5/10/2006 3:03:29 PM

daddyswaterfall

Posts: 5
Joined: 3/10/2006
Status: offline

As a once married sub with a married Dom I have no problem with him being married. I actually am glad He is. That way i know He won't ask me to marry Him as I have no desire to be married again. Neither of our spouses enjoyed sex at all, so we had that in common. We both have very large sexual appetites and satisfy each other in ways our spouses could not. i did not divorce my spouse because of Him, but because of my spouses alcoholic abuse problem. he was an alcoholic and i got abused for it.

(in reply to carriefen)

Post #: 29

RE: Subs - married? - 5/10/2006 3:20:39 PM

Lionesse

Posts: 29
Joined: 5/8/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SubmissiveEntity

From a married submissive's point of view, I imagine it would be a cold day in hell when a married submissive or dom states upfront they are married in their profile (or otherwise) and gets any responses. Just like anybody else, a married sub or dom (male or female) have the same need to be part of the D's world.

Don't mean to be rude here, but tough chit. Your spouse is the one you need to be talking to about it. Your needs do not give you the right to lie, cheat, sneak, decieve not only the most important person in your life, but your new prospective partners as well. And NOTHING gives you the right to put your spouse at risk of nasty or fatal diseases because you decided to play around without telling them.
.
I have a need to have lots of money. So it's my responsibility to get off my ass and work for it honestly. My need does not give me the right to scam people or lie or cheat or steal to get what I want.

Get a divorce or negotiate an honest understanding with your partners about playing outside the primary relationship. If you lie and cheat and sneak and decieve, don't expect ANYONE to like you, respect you or want anything to do with you when they find out. And they will eventually find out.

(in reply to SubmissiveEntity)

Post #: 30

RE: Subs - married? - 5/10/2006 4:47:31 PM

SubmissiveEntity

Posts: 10
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: denika

SubmisiveEntry:
I wasn't answering back to others threads on the post I was answering back to you and the questions you posed. The original question you posted said nothing of theories but of opinions.

There are those on line who will lie or lie by omission just the same as in a face to face encounter but there are also those male and female Dom and sub alike who tell the truth. I have a feeling the majority of married people on here would beg to differ about it not working. Everyone is going to have an individual experience, from the sound of it you've had a very negative one some where down the line to have such a hard line opinion. Does this style of relationship work for everybody, no it doesn't but the point is you can have a happy, healthy functioning poly relationship blended into a marriage.

denika

Denika my hardline opinion is based on several things, my own observations and talking with a few married folk. I see others like to poke fun at my "cold day in hell" statement. Certainly there are plenty of poly relationships and open marriages where "a cold day in hell" does not apply. Please understand I am not condoning that lifestyle. Most poly and open marriages are stated up front in profiles.

My original thoughts-opinions-theories, whatever you want to call it, was simply stating that married people (mostly men) will lie just to get their foot in the door. Otherwise I feel if they were upfront about their marital status they would get little or no responce. Furthermore, I'm willing to bet a married woman would get quite a few responses in comparison to married men stating they were married and looking for a play partner or whatever. Again, conduct the experient briefly outlined a few posts back and see who gets the responses. The OP said he/she was annoyed when after investing a lot of time into the relationship then the other partner confesses he was married. The Op asked why not just be upfront about it. In my opinion I am stating why that person doesn't tell the truth upfront.If he lies he might get somewhere. If he tells the truth most likey he will get nothing.

As I said before I don't agree with it. I am just stating what I believe to be the true. Just look at how many profiles scream "if you are married don't bother". How many people have been hurt when they think they found the one until he confesses he is married? It seems to be common in sites and forums like this.

< Message edited by SubmissiveEntity -- 5/10/2006 4:49:41 PM >

(in reply to denika)

Post #: 31

RE: Subs - married? - 5/10/2006 4:53:41 PM

SubmissiveEntity

Posts: 10
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

Lionesse are you speaking to me or to the general audience?

(in reply to SubmissiveEntity)

Post #: 32

RE: Subs - married? - 5/10/2006 5:33:20 PM

babysburnin

Posts: 421
Joined: 2/16/2006
Status: offline

You already know the answer to the question you are asking.

People try to "put their best foot forward" and some believe this means omitting the truth. Would you want someone like that - insecure about themselves? hmmmm....

_____________________________

-Babysburnin

"Love is, above all else, the gift of oneself."
- Jean Anouilh

"The highest proof of virtue is to possess boundless power without abusing it."
- Lord Macaulay

(in reply to carriefen)

Post #: 33

RE: Subs - married? - 5/10/2006 5:57:34 PM

yourMissTress

Posts: 1665
Joined: 6/14/2005
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

SubmissiveEntity,

I have had My share of lying and cheating male subs that claim to be either single, separated, or married with a wife that knows what's going on. It doesn't take long to figure out the liars and the cheaters, well, I ask if I can talk with their wives and when I can't...out the door they go.

I have a married male sub. His wife contacted Me. His wife has dropped him off and picked him up from My home for sessions as well as having been present during and on some occassions has also participated in My domination of her husband.

I have no problems what so ever with married submissives. I enjoy them and they are usually not very needy and clingy. As long as everyone involved...this includes the wife...is upfront, honest and open.

_____________________________

Tress

"If you have to tell people that you are a lady, you are not." My Grandmother

(in reply to SubmissiveEntity)

Post #: 34

RE: Subs - married? - 5/10/2006 6:56:35 PM

DaimonDog

Posts: 14
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SubmissiveEntity

From a married submissive's point of view, I imagine it would be a cold day in hell when a married submissive or dom states upfront they are married in their profile (or otherwise) and gets any responses. Just like anybody else, a married sub or dom (male or female) have the same need to be part of the D's world.

So what to do? Lie. Perhaps their is a remote possiblity the married sub will be able to find a partner on the outside of the marriage to fulfill what is missing in his/her marriage. Is it right? I'm not making that call but merely stating this is perhaps typical for many.

A selfish, narcissistic many.

I must commend you on your honesty, no - innocence? on a fine example of moral emptyness and cluelessness.

(in reply to SubmissiveEntity)

Post #: 35

RE: Subs - married? - 5/10/2006 7:14:21 PM

welshwmn3

Posts: 126
Joined: 3/14/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BretSkye

Looking at it from the "glass is half FULL" perspective, isn't it possible that a married sub loves his wife in every way possible, but there are just some things she will not allow because that's who she is (and the sub respects that)?

And if parting ways is not an option (because of their love for each other), then what is the sub to do?

As long as the sub is out front about being married in the intial contact with a prospective Domme, then what is the harm? The new relationship would most likely add spark to a flagging marriage.

I would say that unless the sub is up front about the situations to ALL parties (wife/husband as well as prospective Dom/me), there is a LOT of harm that can be done. If the sub is not up front with the significant other, and especially if they are not in an open relationship, there is potential for extreme hurt in the relationship with the SO, as well as in the SO themselves.

It's all well and good to be up front with a prospective Dom/me, but the more important (especially if the sub is 'respecting' their SO) relationship is the existing one with the SO. Because no matter how you slice it, cheeting is NOT being respectful to anybody.

(in reply to BretSkye)

Post #: 36

RE: Subs - married? - 5/10/2006 7:20:29 PM

littlesarbonn

Posts: 1710
Joined: 12/3/2005
From: Stockton, California
Status: offline

I've mentioned this before, but my story is from the opposite direction. I was collared by a dominant woman who decided to move me into her place one summer. It was after we had worked it all out that she then decided it was probably important to mention that she was married. I guess she didn't want me asking any strange questions about who the strange guy is that also lives in the house.

(in reply to carriefen)

Post #: 37

RE: Subs - married? - 5/10/2006 8:08:13 PM

SubmissiveEntity

Posts: 10
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: babysburnin

You already know the answer to the question you are asking.

People try to "put their best foot forward" and some believe this means omitting the truth. Would you want someone like that - insecure about themselves? hmmmm....

Yes I do know the answer to the question I am asking. I guess that is all I am trying to say. The truth is ugly and many married people will omit the truth in order to gain whatever they can. And just to be clear I'm not one of those that married people omitting the truth. Nor am I an advocate. I just calling a spade a spade as I see it.

(in reply to babysburnin)

Post #: 38

RE: Subs - married? - 5/10/2006 8:18:36 PM

SubmissiveEntity

Posts: 10
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

Tress thanks for your input. Besides the poly-people

and people in relationships like you, you have shown us yet another exception. Thanks for sharing.

Lol now how many married people would step up to the plate and risk "blowing their cover" to prove my side of the equation? I don't expect to see many if at all.

LittlesArbonn, sorry to hear about your situation. That sucks. I wish you success.

(in reply to SubmissiveEntity)

Post #: 39

RE: Subs - married? - 5/11/2006 1:03:23 AM

Lionesse

Posts: 29
Joined: 5/8/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SubmissiveEntity

Lionesse are you speaking to me or to the general audience?

That depends. Does the shoe fit? If so, there is an old adage about what to do with it.

(in reply to SubmissiveEntity)

Post #: 40

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