aromanholiday
Posts: 307
Joined: 4/12/2011
Status: offline
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I thought of two more flaws, but these are not ones expressed by dominants I have been involved with, just ones I have observed in other dominants:
1. They are incomplete. This happens when a dominant is still processing his or her dominance, coming to terms with it. This processing sometimes takes years, so "10 years in the lifestyle" is no guarantee that you won't run into this type. While "still processing" doesn't sound bad as stated, the side effects are often very bad, particularly for a submissive who is herself complete and unconflicted. Often, such partially-cooked dominants have violent, angry responses to some fairly ordinary aspects of control and dominance while at the same time they fully accept other aspects. It's bizarre to see certain things singled out as evil while others are not, when all of these things are part and parcel of the same thing: a controlling nature. The source of this, more often than not, seems to be that the dominant feels guilty or conflicted about his desire to dominate and so sets arbitrary rules or limits on his ability to do so: THIS behavior or type of thinking is OK, but THAT one is not. I think such incomplete dominants would be hard for me to personally submit to, not because of their symptoms (it's a dominant's right to like what he likes and dislike what he dislikes, and my duty to adapt to that), but because of what these arbitrary dislikes represent: an inner insecurity about the "rightness" of what they are doing. I'm not talking about their disliking some minor or possibly fetishistic act, like giving a submissive a swirly: those things are clearly a matter of taste. I'm talking about big chunks of what it means to be dominant that they have been unable, as of yet, to digest. Sometimes a half-baked dominant, when he gets involved with an unconflicted submissive person, attacks and chastises them constantly because the latter's complete acceptance of anything he wants or does threatens him, makes him feel evil. He expects and wants the submissive person to be his moral gatekeeper.
Partial dominants are, luckily, easy to spot and avoid. They cannot help but discuss, quite passionately, these problem areas of dominance that still disturb them. They make the submissive they are talking to feel bad or guilty for wanting a thing that is so clearly and terribly "wrong." I see them often when I type in a search keyword for a dominant attitude or emotion that I particularly like and then come across numerous profiles that emphatically state "I am NOT (thing that I like). It's not the thing itself that gives them away, it's more the way they so very emphatically disassociate themselves from it that is the clue. If not in the profile, then a couple of email exchanges brings this out of them, especially if your profile contains one of their pet bugaboos or if you range your conversation with them all over the board, to see if they flip when you use one of the standard "excitatory key words."
2. They are drawn to false coin. There are plenty of people out there who are very obviously not submissive (or not very submissive) but put on a good show of being such. Another way of putting it: their reality is not consistent with their words. But the show is so superficial (comprised only of words not actions or strong attitudes underlying the words) that anybody who knows how submissives who really have or feel these qualities generally behave will know they are not in the presence of such a submissive. When I see a dominant man drawn to such a type, my respect for him plummets because I lose faith in his judgement, in his ability see reality clearly, and, to a certain degree, in his intelligence. Something in his personality draws him to the false, the showy, the fake coin rather than the real. That suggests not only that he's been duped because he is unfamiliar with real currency but also that something inside him still loves glamorous deception and its impressive appearance over the quieter and far less flashy reality. (The converse is also true, of course: when I see a dominant drawn to a submissive who I can see is sincerely and honestly real and that reality is pure and beautiful, I admire his good taste and perceptive abilities.)
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"Isn't it odd how we misunderstand the hidden unity of kindness and cruelty?"
My profile is not turned off. It is broken and I am too lazy to make a new one.
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