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RE: Great Guy, But Vanilla - 5/2/2011 5:40:04 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

The fact that he doesn't identify as dominant doesn't mean he isn't capable of being one. Have you talked to him about it, is he interested in being the person in charge or not? But dominant doesn't mean sadist or needle top or wielder of pain implements. Is he interested in doing anything?

Don't use buzz words like slave. Don't start off first thing talking about extreme pain or fire play or bullwhips. Because nobody starts off that way. Do say that you do better being the follower in the relationship and not the leader. See what he thinks about that.

However I'm wondering if you need a dominant or a sadist. Because if he is that perfect for you yet has no leadership qualities, then you can't really need a dominant so badly or you wouldn't find him to be so perfect.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 21

RE: Great Guy, But Vanilla - 5/2/2011 5:44:01 PM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveAsObject

I found myself in love with an amazing, vanilla guy. A very rare and perfect match, except he does not have a Dom aspect to his personality, never mind Master! Not even an inkling.

For me, being slave is WHO I am and I have been searching for someone who is Dom and see themselves as Master. Where it is not a fetish but WHO they are, intrinsic to their personality.

hmmm, I can bet what 99.9% of you would think, and I am posting this to read feedback. And who knows, give me the kick in the ass that I need and not settle till I find the perfect Master.

What a pain in the ass! Finding someone rare, is well, rare.

UGH!!!

If you are truly in love with this guy, then nothing else will matter. You are quite right that finding a someone perfect is rare, but then he isn't perfect, is he?

You don't have a profile, so I have no idea how old you are, and yes it does make a difference. When we are young, we THINK we must have this or that.

If you really are in love with this man, this whole "a slave is who I am" is just something you thought you were. If "a slave is who I am" is really who you are, you wouldn't have fallen in love with this man because he would have been missing that special something.

You left out far too much information for anyone to really give you good advice. Things like how long have you been together? Have you discussed your desires with him? What is it that makes you say you are "in love" with him?

Get the picture?

(in reply to slaveAsObject)

Post #: 22

RE: Great Guy, But Vanilla - 5/2/2011 5:54:35 PM

slaveAsObject

Posts: 14
Joined: 5/2/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

The fact that he doesn't identify as dominant doesn't mean he isn't capable of being one. Have you talked to him about it, is he interested in being the person in charge or not? But dominant doesn't mean sadist or needle top or wielder of pain implements. Is he interested in doing anything?

Don't use buzz words like slave. Don't start off first thing talking about extreme pain or fire play or bullwhips. Because nobody starts off that way. Do say that you do better being the follower in the relationship and not the leader. See what he thinks about that.

However I'm wondering if you need a dominant or a sadist. Because if he is that perfect for you yet has no leadership qualities, then you can't really need a dominant so badly or you wouldn't find him to be so perfect.

Thank you. I know what you mean by identifying as a Dom and just being dominant and the difference. He can be dominant, but he does not see himself as Dom. Similar to how a dominant CEO of a corporation can be sub. And no, I NEVER equated Dom with sadism. And I identify as slave and use the term for means of clarification. Just as I am bi and use the word bisexual to convey what I mean. Terms and words to convey thoughts easily.

I also mentioned perfect in the sense how someone can be perfect in many ways BUT lacking in some.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 23

RE: Great Guy, But Vanilla - 5/2/2011 5:57:42 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

Wow, if I found myself lucky enough to be in love with someone I certainly wouldn't allow it to be ruined because they didn't fit some personality stereotype that I had brainwashed myself that I needed to be happy in a relationship...I would see if I could be happy with someone based upon who they are instead of who I wanted them to be.

Hi Julia,

I realize you said others would have different opinions but I had to pipe in here - I knew what I needed to be happy in a relationship and I certainly did not brainwash myself into thinking that. I did a lot of introspection and soul searching to know who I am and what would be healthy for me.

I was only speaking for myself here.. there was a time I had convinced myself (even before I started posting here) that I had to be with a so-called dominant man in order to be fulfilled, etc etc etc...

I still have a preference and gravitate towards alpha type guys, you know, the type of guy that knows what he wants and how to go about getting it, but I have also evolved in my own thinking that just because something is called "vanilla" doesn't mean it wouldn't make me happy. If I found a guy that I was in love with, he could call himself a martian, it wouldn't matter to me. The OP said she was "in love" with a vanilla guy, should she pass up that opportunity to have real love in her life (something that I personally want more than anything) because of some preconceived idea she had? Does that make any sense at all? Would you pass love by because you thought one thing would make you happy at one point, only to learn that something else could satisfy you?

I think people get rigid in their own identity, and we humans tend to hold on to outmoded ideas about ourselves that stand in the way of our happiness and satisfaction. The things that made me happy at 20 years old were substantially different than the things that would make me happy today. I am sure when I am 60 my needs, desires, and goals will be different than they are today. What a shame to pass on personal growth because I held on to an idea that was outdated about myself.

My post had no relationship to you, your relationship, or the things that have led you to your current needs and desires. I would bet these things are different today than they were even 5 years ago, I know they are different for me now. And yes, I have brainwashed myself into thinking I couldn't be happy as anything else but a submissive in a relationship. I am not so sure anymore. I am certainly glad that I didn't pass up a relationship for that reason, because I would have lived to regret that most likely.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to NuevaVida)

Post #: 24

RE: Great Guy, But Vanilla - 5/2/2011 6:09:35 PM

slaveAsObject

Posts: 14
Joined: 5/2/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Selectivelight

Error; Does not compute.

Either he's a perfect match, or he isn't. If he isn't, you have to decide whether or not the compromise you have to make is worth what you get in return. If being a slave is so intrinsic to your being, and he doesn't have the appropriate components in his own personality to match that, then obviously this relationship has some problems to be worked out.

Is it doomed? Hardly. But it will require compromise that -cannot- be mutual. Either he has to find the steel in his spine to take you as [in my opinion] a man should. Or you have to accept that what you have is worth giving up something so deeply meaningful to you.

I wish you the best of luck.

You hit the nail on the head! Also, I can see where in the original post, mentioning 'perfect' threw off what I was getting at. I worded things cock eyed.

Also, since I posted this and had to log off for a bit, it made me think. There must be more to this than meets the eye. For me to focus on that, Dom or not, there must something else that is not sitting right in my mind, like, what is the REAL issue. I have some thoughts as to what really is eating me, and I am grateful for your and everyone's input. NocturnalStalker and littlewonder gave me food for thought. Thank you!

(in reply to Selectivelight)

Post #: 25

RE: Great Guy, But Vanilla - 5/2/2011 6:12:20 PM

NuevaVida

Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

Wow, if I found myself lucky enough to be in love with someone I certainly wouldn't allow it to be ruined because they didn't fit some personality stereotype that I had brainwashed myself that I needed to be happy in a relationship...I would see if I could be happy with someone based upon who they are instead of who I wanted them to be.

Hi Julia,

I realize you said others would have different opinions but I had to pipe in here - I knew what I needed to be happy in a relationship and I certainly did not brainwash myself into thinking that. I did a lot of introspection and soul searching to know who I am and what would be healthy for me.

My post had no relationship to you, your relationship, or the things that have led you to your current needs and desires. I would bet these things are different today than they were even 5 years ago, I know they are different for me now. And yes, I have brainwashed myself into thinking I couldn't be happy as anything else but a submissive in a relationship. I am not so sure anymore. I am certainly glad that I didn't pass up a relationship for that reason, because I would have lived to regret that most likely.

Thanks for the clarification, and I understand where you are coming from.

Of course I know your post was not aimed at me or my relationship, but it was worded in such a way I felt it merited a reply to the contrary - that people who know what they need aren't necessarily brainwashed.

I agree we all evolve. Some evolve to find what they need is not what they thought they needed. Others evolve to find what they thought they could do without...they actually need. So I wanted to offer the other side of that coin.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 26

RE: Great Guy, But Vanilla - 5/2/2011 6:16:07 PM

slaveAsObject

Posts: 14
Joined: 5/2/2011
Status: offline

My apologies, I have not got around to filling out a profile yet. I just post an introduction. I am 45 and we have discussed this together. I wrote in my last post how there must be another issue besides whether he has a Dom aspect or not and something I am going to give thought to.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

If you are truly in love with this guy, then nothing else will matter. You are quite right that finding a someone perfect is rare, but then he isn't perfect, is he?

You don't have a profile, so I have no idea how old you are, and yes it does make a difference. When we are young, we THINK we must have this or that.

If you really are in love with this man, this whole "a slave is who I am" is just something you thought you were. If "a slave is who I am" is really who you are, you wouldn't have fallen in love with this man because he would have been missing that special something.

You left out far too much information for anyone to really give you good advice. Things like how long have you been together? Have you discussed your desires with him? What is it that makes you say you are "in love" with him?

Get the picture?

(in reply to LafayetteLady)

Post #: 27

RE: Great Guy, But Vanilla - 5/2/2011 6:30:25 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

I agree we all evolve. Some evolve to find what they need is not what they thought they needed. Others evolve to find what they thought they could do without...they actually need. So I wanted to offer the other side of that coin.

Perhaps the word brainwashed is the wrong term, as it is an external influence that causes it. Perhaps rigid in self concept is a better term...

I was responding to the OP, who stated unequivocally that she was in love with a perfect guy. Let's say that you are single, and you fall in love with a vanilla guy.... are you going to question your ideas about yourself and what you "need"? Are you going to rigidly hold on to an identity that could well be outdated. To me the very fact I loved someone would give me the idea I needed to revisit my self concept....

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to NuevaVida)

Post #: 28

RE: Great Guy, But Vanilla - 5/2/2011 6:35:56 PM

NuevaVida

Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania
Let's say that you are single, and you fall in love with a vanilla guy.... are you going to question your ideas about yourself and what you "need"? Are you going to rigidly hold on to an identity that could well be outdated. To me the very fact I loved someone would give me the idea I needed to revisit my self concept....

I honestly can't answer this, julia. I was single, and not interested in any relationship, and one of the key reasons I did fall in love with the Mister is because - in addition to our compatibility on many life issues - he evoked those feelings of submission in me that I wanted to put to rest. Had he not, I'm honestly not sure I'd have gone there with him.

For me it's not rigidly holding onto an identity. It's that I had recently discovered my identity in a much fuller awareness than ever before, and I knew that taking a path the veered away from it would not bring me the fulfillment I was after.

But yes, I often question myself about who I am and what I need. It's how I know I remain on the right path...or if I need to change it. I've loved the wrong people before, so loving someone isn't necessarily indicative that I'm in the right place.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 29

RE: Great Guy, But Vanilla - 5/2/2011 6:44:38 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

I will state it again, I am putting myself in the position of the OP who is single, says she "loves" this guy.... In my world love is rare. It is something I do not fall in and out of very easily. I can honestly say at 43 I have only loved, truly loved 3 men... and I am not positive I really loved more than one, the last one I truly loved. I am going on the words of the OP, and perhaps what I would call infatuation is something she sees as love.

You are saying you do not know how you would feel if you were single again. I do not think that was really my question. My question was, if you fell in love with someone, truly loved them, and they did not identify as dominant, would that cause you to reevaluate your needs? The OP stated she loves a vanilla guy, so in her situation (which is what I have been addressing in my replies, not your situation) I think some introspection would be a very good idea, instead of losing the opportunity to have a life with someone she loves..... it is her situation.....

I do not know how hard I am looking for a relationship, but I surely wouldn't turn down someone whom I felt that connected to, so connected to them that I "loved" them

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to NuevaVida)

Post #: 30

RE: Great Guy, But Vanilla - 5/2/2011 6:48:29 PM

slaveAsObject

Posts: 14
Joined: 5/2/2011
Status: offline

Just to mention, I do not see infatuation as love.

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

I will state it again, I am putting myself in the position of the OP who is single, says she "loves" this guy.... In my world love is rare. It is something I do not fall in and out of very easily. I can honestly say at 43 I have only loved, truly loved 3 men... and I am not positive I really loved more than one, the last one I truly loved. I am going on the words of the OP, and perhaps what I would call infatuation is something she sees as love.

You are saying you do not know how you would feel if you were single again. I do not think that was really my question. My question was, if you fell in love with someone, truly loved them, and they did not identify as dominant, would that cause you to reevaluate your needs? The OP stated she loves a vanilla guy, so in her situation (which is what I have been addressing in my replies, not your situation) I think some introspection would be a very good idea, instead of losing the opportunity to have a life with someone she loves..... it is her situation.....

I do not know how hard I am looking for a relationship, but I surely wouldn't turn down someone whom I felt that connected to, so connected to them that I "loved" them

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 31

RE: Great Guy, But Vanilla - 5/2/2011 6:51:49 PM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

You need to deal with the real problem. His unwillingness to tell you how to dress isn't it.

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Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to slaveAsObject)

Post #: 32

RE: Great Guy, But Vanilla - 5/2/2011 6:53:39 PM

NuevaVida

Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

You are saying you do not know how you would feel if you were single again. I do not think that was really my question. My question was, if you fell in love with someone, truly loved them, and they did not identify as dominant, would that cause you to reevaluate your needs? The OP stated she loves a vanilla guy, so in her situation (which is what I have been addressing in my replies, not your situation) I think some introspection would be a very good idea, instead of losing the opportunity to have a life with someone she loves..... it is her situation.....

And my answer was, I don't think I'd get to a point of truly loving someone who wasn't dominant by nature, so it's almost impossible for me to answer that question. It's purely hypothetical and I don't know the answer to it. But I believe yes, I would reevaluate my needs, as that's a practice I normally do today.

I know you've been addressing her situation, not mine. But you addressed her situation using yourself as an example, and I'm responding to it using myself as an example. Such examples (both of ours) allow for a broader perspective.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 33

RE: Great Guy, But Vanilla - 5/2/2011 6:54:51 PM

slaveAsObject

Posts: 14
Joined: 5/2/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

You need to deal with the real problem. His unwillingness to tell you how to dress isn't it.

LMAO! Dress? Huh? Micromanaging is not the issue.

And yes, as I posted, there must be another underlying issue.

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 34

RE: Great Guy, But Vanilla - 5/2/2011 7:12:41 PM

SailingBum

Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveAsObject

I found myself in love with an amazing, vanilla guy. A very rare and perfect match, except he does not have a Dom aspect to his personality, never mind Master! Not even an inkling.

For me, being slave is WHO I am and I have been searching for someone who is Dom and see themselves as Master. Where it is not a fetish but WHO they are, intrinsic to their personality.

hmmm, I can bet what 99.9% of you would think, and I am posting this to read feedback. And who knows, give me the kick in the ass that I need and not settle till I find the perfect Master.

What a pain in the ass! Finding someone rare, is well, rare.

UGH!!!

What am I not getting here. Who you are ..how can you spend so much time with a guy to fall in love with him??? yer slavin 24/365 and he's clueless... Thou you could be one of those that falls in love once a week.

Walks away muttering to myself

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to slaveAsObject)

Post #: 35

RE: Great Guy, But Vanilla - 5/2/2011 7:22:21 PM

Tantriqu

Posts: 2026
Joined: 12/29/2006
Status: offline

I'm presuming you've asked what he fantasises about and told him what you want/need.
I have no trouble dating vanilla, because two of the most vanilla men I ever dated were enchanted to have alllllll sorts of things done to them, once relationship trust was established. One man could not tolerate any bondage, but loved being Taken by a strapon. Both had never tried anything but missionary intercourse, but both became A-list Queeners. Because of that innate attraction for me to a vanilla or sub man, I've never yet uncovered a nasty surprise of a closet dom or switch which for me would be an instant deal-breaker, so here's hoping it's the same but inverse for the man you're attracted to.
Ask, tell and teach.

(in reply to SailingBum)

Post #: 36

RE: Great Guy, But Vanilla - 5/2/2011 7:27:16 PM

slaveAsObject

Posts: 14
Joined: 5/2/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Tantriqu

I'm presuming you've asked what he fantasises about and told him what you want/need.
I have no trouble dating vanilla, because two of the most vanilla men I ever dated were enchanted to have alllllll sorts of things done to them, once relationship trust was established. One man could not tolerate any bondage, but loved being Taken by a strapon. Both had never tried anything but missionary intercourse, but both became A-list Queeners. Because of that innate attraction for me to a vanilla or sub man, I've never yet uncovered a nasty surprise of a closet dom or switch which for me would be an instant deal-breaker, so here's hoping it's the same but inverse for the man you're attracted to.
Ask, tell and teach.

Thank you, and yes we have discussed.

(in reply to Tantriqu)

Post #: 37

RE: Great Guy, But Vanilla - 5/2/2011 7:41:18 PM

Buzzzz

Posts: 839
Joined: 11/28/2010
Status: offline

This is where poly comes in. Stay with him and find a dom/master to fullfill the other part of you and, voila !!!! (with his knowlwdge , of course)

_____________________________

_"Here is something you should never do to anyone.And here is exactly how to do it to someone you care about". Flagg._

(in reply to slaveAsObject)

Post #: 38

RE: Great Guy, But Vanilla - 5/2/2011 8:03:32 PM

NocturnalStalker

Posts: 3858
Joined: 12/4/2010
Status: offline

Then he says, "You want another guy to bang you? I thought you loved me? That's really fucked up."

Your move.

_____________________________

"The road I walk is paved in gold to glorify my platinum soul."

(in reply to Buzzzz)

Post #: 39

RE: Great Guy, But Vanilla - 5/2/2011 8:12:49 PM

Whiplashsmile4

Posts: 2305
Joined: 12/2/2008
Status: offline

Sweety.... If I by chance found and fell in Love with the Perfect Vanilla girl, and found it amazing. To the point there was no personality conflicts and such. I'd be tossing in my BDSM membership card at the local branch office.

Do you have any idea, how hard it is to find somebody (vanilla or otherwise) that is a good match? If you don't, you'll find out how easy it to be in the company of cats and how easy it can become spending hours alone.

Rethink and Re-evaulate who you are and what matters the most to you in the long terms verses what you think you might need in the short run.

< Message edited by Whiplashsmile4 -- 5/2/2011 8:15:18 PM >

_____________________________

Жизнь ума ебет.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nUzJI4Palq0

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 40

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