Amaros
Posts: 1363
Joined: 7/25/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: caitlyn
1. Not all women have a problem with horny men that are looking for sex. They seem to get bashed around here quite a bit, and I've never quite understood that. If I go out with or even hang out with a guy and he isn't interested in throwing me down and fucking my brains out ... hell, I'm a lot more than a little offended. What bugs me is when guys act all cool and aloof, but at the same time you could pitch a tent on that bulge in their pants.
Like most of the gripes, it's a case of damned if you do, damned if you don't - my assumption is that the majority of people in here are in here becasue they crave kinky sex, or they quite simply wouldn't be here.
Having said that, people in or seeking to be in the lifestyle realize or will come to realize that once that's established - and it's pretty much established by the fact that you're here in the first place - the question shift to more peripheral but no less important issues.
Realistically, there is more to a relationship than sex, so I think it's no suprise that women - here's the kicker: women on a site devoted to kinky sex - don't want to talk about it.
The conndrum for the male is that he is trying to sell his sexual desireability, and just doesn't always know how much is enough, and how much is too much.
quote:
ORIGINAL: caitlyn
2. This may be a younger girl thing ... but I have a ton of friends my age, and not a single one can tell a guy all the naughty little things she wants to do. I know I can't. To even ask me to explain it is an instant turn off. My understanding is that with age, this becomes easier ... but the line that kills me every time is "What are you into?". On the dating scenario, men that ask if they can do something ... "Is it ok to open your top ... do you like it when I touch you here?" ... is like pouring ice cold water on me. Simple rule (may not apply to everyone): If you even get a second date, I've already decided that if you shut the fuck up and press the issue, you are going to score. If you ask permission at that point, the answer will always be no. It makes me feel dirty to talk about all he dirty things I think about. I can't say it any more clear than that.
The kicker for me here is that when you do get a dialogue going, at least the ones I've been engaged in, they always state right off that "we need to get to know each other" - but there's at least a 50% chance that if I ask her to tell me some of her fantasies, she'll bolt. Understandable perhaps, but hey, we're supposed to be getting to know each other, right?
Thing is, she - you - are in control of this, you could pretty much come up with any fantasy you want: it can be as hardcore as you want, or as softcore as you want - it doesn't even have to involves sex.
The assumption seems to be that this request is tantamont to a request for jerk off material - that isn't what I'm looking for, I'm trying to figure out what it is you really want.
In fact, when I do get graphic fantasies, they end up with me climbing the wall - I avoid fantasizing about real people I don't know, it's too weird, and chances are good that they're things will never go the way you fantasized about if you do meet, it's better not to have too many preconcieved notions, and I have too vivid an imagination anyway.
The idea here is give something that tells me somthing about you - not just your sexual fantasies, but how you see yourself.
quote:
ORIGINAL: caitlyn
3. The advice that men shouldn't discuss their sexual desires and make them known, is very bad advice in my opinion. I may act bashfull ... I may even change the subject ... but trust me, when I'm laying alone in my bed at night thinking about our date (or translate that into an email, for the purposes of this forum), I'm not thinking about what type of music you like or college you attended.
See number one - my policy is, if you don't ask, I'm not gonna tell, which goes back to number two - don't say you" want to get to know me better", then play secret squirrel - it works both ways - you want me to do all the talking, then at least throw me some hints about what you want to hear.
quote:
ORIGINAL: caitlyn
So ... all that said ... here is my real advice to guys.
Be a real person that has all those interests like music and hobbies and all that stuff. I want to hear all about that ... but don't be afraid to let a girl know exactly what you have in store for her from a physical standpoint. I think you have a much better chance of finding a good match that way. Dont dwell on sexual topics, but don't run from them either ... but if she doesn't bring her own interest up, for the love of God, don't try to drag them out of her. I wouldn't send a penis picture (you may find this strange, but a huge penis scares the shit out of me anyway), but I don't think it's out of line that if you discuss something with her that interest you, and she doesn't run away screaming ... it might be nice to bolster that with tasteful images that reflect that interest.
Anyway ... just a few points for discussion ... and sorry for writing a book.
I think this is good advice in the real world, but again, I hate to get too specific in terms of what I might be thinking about doing to this person in particular - ideally, I'd like to hear about things you've experienced in the past that you liked or even didn't like - you don't have to name names or anything, it should be about you, not the person you were with at the time - it's always a mistake to drag third parties into it, IMO.
In turn, I might be inclined to mention certain unmentionable acts that I currently find interesting to contemplate, see if it gets you going - the idea here isn't to craft a schedule of events, or choreograph a scene down to the last detail, but merely feel each other out and keep the conversation flowing.
Nor does it need to be about sex - I find myself talking about food as much as sex most of the time.
Bottom line is, to get to know each other, you have to talk - if there is any chance of me understanding what your particular kink is, you have to give me some hints - I'm flexible, it's all good to me, if it's kinky, I'm in - but certain things like age play, for example, I just don't know too much about - you might have to learn to realize when a guy might be out to sea a bit, and help him to figure out what, generally, it is that you are looking for.
< Message edited by Amaros -- 5/12/2006 8:08:38 AM >
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