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RE: Are doms and dommes looking for revenge on the sex ... - 5/27/2011 10:13:47 AM

SailingBum

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From: Sailin the stormy sea
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Hell ya I hate all dem bitches and ho's. I have a plan to demolish all of em... My death ray gun is almost complete! I plan on mounting it on my space ship. So all you bitches beware cept mom of course and a few select girls from my harem. Then of course I gonna pimp them out repopulate and take over the world.

Well it's back to the lab ... my basement to perfect my time travel machine

BadAss BadOne

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Post #: 41

RE: Are doms and dommes looking for revenge on the sex ... - 5/27/2011 10:25:31 AM

MarcEsadrian

Posts: 852
Joined: 8/24/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: PhilSlave
Are doms and dommes looking for revenge on the sex that wronged them?

That question invokes only the hackneyed mainstream "wisdom" about the nature of dominance, particularly dominant women. You can be quite fond of the opposite sex and still dominate it, or you can make misandry or misogyny a purer art form without a need for something as banal as "revenge". Vengeance against a past archetype is a motive somewhere in the wiring for some, but certainly not for all.

quote:

ORIGINAL: PhilSlave
I'm only talking about the type of Dom/Domme who actually believes their rhetoric.

This statement itself is blasé rhetoric.

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Post #: 42

RE: Are doms and dommes looking for revenge on the sex ... - 5/27/2011 10:27:06 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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Considering the fact that the majority of women who have suffered multiple assaults were very underage at the time, and that the assaulters were men who owed them protection; being fathers, stepfathers, brothers. Domi's comments are extremely repellent.

However, considering the fact that multiple early trauma will create lasting changes in the brain, that can only be undone to some degree by years of top quality therapy, and that the sort of parent who causes this abuse is not going to pay for it come the teenage years, it is fair to say such victims are exceedingly troubled and will probably remain so (since to my knowledge, the only state that addresses sexual abuse when women are mandated into treatment is Oregon).

But to blame them and hate them for the trauma they could not resist and were helpless to escape, is totally offensive. It also says something about him that he's had so many relationships with such women. Because men who zero in on abused women come in two varieties ime; white knights and abusers. He doesn't sound like a white knight.

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Post #: 43

RE: Are doms and dommes looking for revenge on the sex ... - 5/27/2011 11:17:03 AM

a1111

Posts: 49
Joined: 10/1/2009
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I'd read a book about controlling people, people who have been hurt often feel a need to control others, the key is to not let this happen but people who are familiar with this could end up being dominated by these people, my adivr would be to learn about it and make changes so this doesn't happen

(in reply to ParappaTheDapper)

Post #: 44

RE: Are doms and dommes looking for revenge on the sex ... - 5/27/2011 11:31:35 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
But the op shows such self hatred, such conflict about his own desires, that I have never before seen. And we've seen a lot of that around here.

Yeah, there's something in there about a vanilla girlfriend, too. I guess when he wants to be topped by her and she complies, it's fulfilling some kind of outlet for the expression of self-hatred. Either that or there's some kind of intimacy issue, so the BDSM part is what he uses between them to keep them distant. The whole thing is kind of confusing but you have to admit, it makes for a really fun troll.

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(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 45

RE: Are doms and dommes looking for revenge on the sex ... - 5/27/2011 12:08:46 PM

SailingBum

Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Considering the fact that the majority of women who have suffered multiple assaults were very underage at the time, and that the assaulters were men who owed them protection; being fathers, stepfathers, brothers. Domi's comments are extremely repellent.

I guess Im one of the few that does not take domi remarks seriously. My guess is that he does it on purpose to rile up whoever he is offending at the moment.

BadOne

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The beatings will continue until morale improves.

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We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 46

RE: Are doms and dommes looking for revenge on the sex ... - 5/27/2011 12:15:23 PM

angelikaJ

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Considering the fact that the majority of women who have suffered multiple assaults were very underage at the time, and that the assaulters were men who owed them protection; being fathers, stepfathers, brothers. Domi's comments are extremely repellent.

However, considering the fact that multiple early trauma will create lasting changes in the brain, that can only be undone to some degree by years of top quality therapy, and that the sort of parent who causes this abuse is not going to pay for it come the teenage years, it is fair to say such victims are exceedingly troubled and will probably remain so (since to my knowledge, the only state that addresses sexual abuse when women are mandated into treatment is Oregon).

But to blame them and hate them for the trauma they could not resist and were helpless to escape, is totally offensive. It also says something about him that he's had so many relationships with such women. Because men who zero in on abused women come in two varieties ime; white knights and abusers. He doesn't sound like a white knight.

39% of women who have been raped have been raped more than once.
And many women who have been raped were molested first in their childhoods.

Given the number of rapes that go unreported, and those women especially don't find their way to rape counseling easily and the stigmas that are attached to victims of sexual assault because of the shame and perceptions of blame involved, healing is difficult for many.

I would hate to attribute the label of abuser to anyone where it is not deserved.
My guess is some people just can't understand how women might find themselves in those situations and might be hostile about that kind of pain. That may cloud an ability to see the big picture as far as being the victim of multiple rapes or sexual assaults goes.

No insult is meant to anyone in my looking for a reason; I just don't want to label anyone with the abuser label where it might not fit.

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(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 47

RE: Are doms and dommes looking for revenge on the sex ... - 5/27/2011 1:39:49 PM

aromanholiday

Posts: 307
Joined: 4/12/2011
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quote:

ORIGINAL: PhilSlave
Are doms and dommes looking for revenge on the sex that wronged them?

I had one misogynist friend several years ago for whom it was based in revenge. But he was the only one I knew like that. His mother had been a feminist, overly controlling of her sons, and constantly speaking feminist "hatred of men" rhetoric around them. He was a very intelligent man, realized the roots of his misogyny, but consciously chose to embrace it. He was naturally talented when it came to women, his charisma and intelligence drew them to him, although many of the vanilla ones were quite dismayed when they discovered he wasn't the romantic metrosexual type and that they couldn't "fix" him to be more female pleasing. As a friend, he was great: a very honest and perceptive man whose advice was almost always good, but I paid for it: over the years he'd figured out where my buttons were and, because I was female, he liked to "tweak" me emotionally just to watch me react. And yes, he was a dominant, too.

I agree with what others have said here that most dominants don't have revenge as a motive. My friend was the only one I knew who was like that.

quote:

Or is it something else, a need for power that they don't have in reality?

Power is a strange thing. Some people have a lot of power and still want more. I've never met a dominant who personally controlled others because they didn't have such control in "reality" (whatever that means--personally controlling people being as real as it gets). How about a simpler motive? Such as the one for eating an ice cream cone? You eat it because you LIKE it. Dominants dominate others because... they LIKE it. Easy, isn't it?

< Message edited by aromanholiday -- 5/27/2011 1:40:05 PM >

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Post #: 48

RE: Are doms and dommes looking for revenge on the sex ... - 5/27/2011 1:40:39 PM

jbcurious

Posts: 717
Joined: 3/13/2010
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After not being on the forums for quite some time... I still answer my cmails and browse profiles... mostly for entertainment value.

I've found that if you base what you know about bdsm on reading profiles... you'll come to pretty much the conclusion that the OP has. I was starting to think this was the wrong path for me... I don't consider myself a submissive, rather I am a woman who loves being submissive to a man who inspires it in me. So many of the Dom profiles seem like men who are too weak or socially unacceptable to get a woman any other way so they come to a bdsm site fishing for the broken ones or men who have such fragile egos they need someone else to boost their self image.

...but a few minutes back in the forums reading sensible comments from intelligent people and my faith is restored... maybe, just maybe... this is my path.

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Post #: 49

RE: Are doms and dommes looking for revenge on the sex ... - 5/27/2011 1:54:35 PM

LadyConstanze

Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
But the op shows such self hatred, such conflict about his own desires, that I have never before seen. And we've seen a lot of that around here.

Yeah, there's something in there about a vanilla girlfriend, too. I guess when he wants to be topped by her and she complies, it's fulfilling some kind of outlet for the expression of self-hatred. Either that or there's some kind of intimacy issue, so the BDSM part is what he uses between them to keep them distant. The whole thing is kind of confusing but you have to admit, it makes for a really fun troll.

LP, you know it would be true if the gf would exist, I have my reservations about that...

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Post #: 50

RE: Are doms and dommes looking for revenge on the sex ... - 5/27/2011 6:10:32 PM

LikesEmYoungNHng

Posts: 68
Joined: 5/24/2011
From: In My Place
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: PhilSlave

Or is it something else, a need for power that they don't have in reality?

I'm only talking about the type of Dom/Domme who actually believes their rhetoric.

great question...

(in reply to PhilSlave)

Post #: 51

RE: Are doms and dommes looking for revenge on the sex ... - 5/27/2011 6:28:20 PM

Awareness

Posts: 3918
Joined: 9/8/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy
I think there is a tremendous undercurrent of discord that runs through this thing. Men and women that have been so thoroughly run through the wringer that they inevitably wind up here.

Yes. There's a lot of dysfunction in this community and it's pretty fucking obvious most of the time. The most compelling examples I can think of are would-be Doms whose personality demonstrates a blatantly obvious lack of self-esteem and female subs whose esteem is clearly in the ground, yet they construct a profile begging for more.

quote:

Then you throw in the woman that has managed to be raped a half dozen times and all of the other walking disasters and the op isn't half cocked

I understand where you're coming from on this, although I have a feeling the usual suspects will scream blue murder, like a chorus of harpies whacked up on coke.

Essentially, if a woman continually puts herself in situations where sexual assault is likely, then there's some psychological protective mechanism which is simply not working. I've known a surprising number of women who've been raped and I can't remember any of them who weren't cautious with their safety. We hear a lot about the various dysfunctional aspects of men who inflict sexual assault and the various personality defects of men in general. It's dangerous to ignore the corresponding loons on the other side. Women who are professional victims, emotional manipulators and manifest borderline personality disorder or worse.

It's why I always advocate that men really do need to screen for sanity. Just because a chick looks like a lingerie model doesn't stop her from being a total whackjob.

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(in reply to domiguy)

Post #: 52

RE: Are doms and dommes looking for revenge on the sex ... - 5/27/2011 6:58:02 PM

xssve

Posts: 3589
Joined: 10/10/2009
Status: offline

Like I said, everybody has issues.

I'm not disputing it probably happens much more often than is reported, but I'm curious where you got this number Angelika, that's better than 1 in 3.

quote:

ORIGINAL: angelikaJ

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Considering the fact that the majority of women who have suffered multiple assaults were very underage at the time, and that the assaulters were men who owed them protection; being fathers, stepfathers, brothers. Domi's comments are extremely repellent.

However, considering the fact that multiple early trauma will create lasting changes in the brain, that can only be undone to some degree by years of top quality therapy, and that the sort of parent who causes this abuse is not going to pay for it come the teenage years, it is fair to say such victims are exceedingly troubled and will probably remain so (since to my knowledge, the only state that addresses sexual abuse when women are mandated into treatment is Oregon).

But to blame them and hate them for the trauma they could not resist and were helpless to escape, is totally offensive. It also says something about him that he's had so many relationships with such women. Because men who zero in on abused women come in two varieties ime; white knights and abusers. He doesn't sound like a white knight.

39% of women who have been raped have been raped more than once.
And many women who have been raped were molested first in their childhoods.

Given the number of rapes that go unreported, and those women especially don't find their way to rape counseling easily and the stigmas that are attached to victims of sexual assault because of the shame and perceptions of blame involved, healing is difficult for many.

I would hate to attribute the label of abuser to anyone where it is not deserved.
My guess is some people just can't understand how women might find themselves in those situations and might be hostile about that kind of pain. That may cloud an ability to see the big picture as far as being the victim of multiple rapes or sexual assaults goes.

No insult is meant to anyone in my looking for a reason; I just don't want to label anyone with the abuser label where it might not fit.

(in reply to angelikaJ)

Post #: 53

RE: Are doms and dommes looking for revenge on the sex ... - 5/27/2011 7:29:50 PM

angelikaJ

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline

http://www.unified-solutions.org/Pubs/adult_victims_of_sexual_assault.pdf

http://www.musc.edu/vawprevention/research/sa.shtml

Additional general info:
http://www.rainn.org/statistics

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Post #: 54

RE: Are doms and dommes looking for revenge on the sex ... - 5/27/2011 7:53:29 PM

gungadin09

Posts: 3232
Joined: 3/19/2010
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i think "a need for power" is a much better explanation than "a need for revenge" in most cases. i hear Dominants talk about how hot it is to be in control, not how much they wish they could punish their bitch of an ex. If that's their motivation, then i must say the Dominants i've met are hiding it really, really well.

But, yes, i'd say it comes from a deep seated need for *something*. I was doing a scene last weekend, and i kept crying, and the guy started to get concerned. He was like, do you want to stop, and i said, no, i like crying. It's like, for whatever reason, that feels good to me. If i had to articulate the reason, i might say that i have these free floating feelings of guilt and tension, and being hit with things is a way to sort of release that. It feels good. Looking at it the other way 'round, you could say that it makes Someone else feel good to hit me with things; that that's *their* release.

These desires are there (i.e. the desire to receive "punishment" and the desire to dole it out), although i think describing these feelings as "guilt" or "resentment/revenge" might be an oversimplification, because they're not just a temporary mood, but rather they make up a part of our personalities. If what i felt was simply "guilt", then i suspect that after a certain number of slaps on the ass i would get over it; consider myself "atoned" for whatever i imagined i had done wrong. Likewise, if Dominants were just out for "revenge", i suspect that after trampling on a certain number of balls they would eventually feel compensated for whatever "wrong" they felt had been done to them.

But that doesn't often happen, does it? i think that most kinksters stay kinky (once they come out of the closet, at any rate). i don't see many people leaving kink after being "cured" of whatever brought them here, as if BDSM was a symptom of some kind of emotional disfunction. It's deeper than that for most people, i think. It's an expression of who we are, on a fundamental level.

pam

(in reply to PhilSlave)

Post #: 55

RE: Are doms and dommes looking for revenge on the sex ... - 5/27/2011 8:12:33 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: PhilSlave
Or is it something else, a need for power that they don't have in reality?

Or... just perhaps... it could be a guy and a girl, one of whom is comfortable with authority and the other preferring to follow? Is it really so hard to believe that some people just are this way?

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(in reply to PhilSlave)

Post #: 56

RE: Are doms and dommes looking for revenge on the sex ... - 5/27/2011 8:14:14 PM

gungadin09

Posts: 3232
Joined: 3/19/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy
I think there is a tremendous undercurrent of discord that runs through this thing. Men and women that have been so thoroughly run through the wringer that they inevitably wind up here...

i've seen plenty of examples of outright dysfunction, people who just shouldn't be here, who should be at the psychologists. (That was me once). i've also seen examples of what began as pathology, and somewhere along the line got turned around into something positive. (That's where i am right now).

This may sound like a romantic notion, but i see myself like that wine they make from the grapes that get infected with a particular kind of fungus. Noble rot, they call it, because even though it starts as a pathology, it ends up turning the grapes into something unique and desirable. Maybe it's wishful thinking, but it helps me to look at my life that way.

pam

(in reply to domiguy)

Post #: 57

RE: Are doms and dommes looking for revenge on the sex ... - 5/27/2011 9:01:07 PM

xssve

Posts: 3589
Joined: 10/10/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: angelikaJ

http://www.unified-solutions.org/Pubs/adult_victims_of_sexual_assault.pdf

http://www.musc.edu/vawprevention/research/sa.shtml

Additional general info:
http://www.rainn.org/statistics

Thank's, I misread that, as 39% of women have been raped, my bad - not so far off though, Wikipedia cites 1 in 6 women have experienced rape or attempted rape, but cites under-reporting at anywhere from 45% to 90%.

I was looking at my hometown on city-data and rape here has doubled since 2000, which is odd since overall, rape has been slowly declining from a peak in 1992.

(in reply to angelikaJ)

Post #: 58

RE: Are doms and dommes looking for revenge on the sex ... - 5/28/2011 4:17:05 AM

domiguy

Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

quote:

ORIGINAL: PhilSlave
Or is it something else, a need for power that they don't have in reality?

Or... just perhaps... it could be a guy and a girl, one of whom is comfortable with authority and the other preferring to follow? Is it really so hard to believe that some people just are this way?

Or maybe it is something entirely different.

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Post #: 59

RE: Are doms and dommes looking for revenge on the sex ... - 5/28/2011 4:33:15 AM

ranja

Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

but who says that everything out here meets everyone else's definition of real.

I think there is a tremendous undercurrent of discord that runs through this thing. Men and women that have been so thoroughly run through the wringer that they inevitably wind up here.

everybodies reality is different anyhow; there is no concrete truth

maybe they were just fine until they ended up here and then they got run through the wringer... very very slowly.... by some cyber power maniac... virtual blood everywhere in an effort to render the victim flat and boring and devoid of character, conformed

(in reply to domiguy)

Post #: 60

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