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RE: Can't go vanilla again! - 6/7/2011 6:29:04 PM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
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quote:

ORIGINAL: elizabethVI

I know this subject has come up before on the message boards. I just haven't found it yet.

After 6 years in what I thought was a bdsm D/s relationship (which of course gradually depleted through the years), it has turned vanilla. I can't survive in a vanilla lifestyle. I just can't. He's asked me to marry him....The thought of living vanilla just horrifies me. I do love him and he's an incredible man. How do I get us back on track or find out if that is truly who he is...vanilla? <cringe> I constantly give control wrapped up in a pretty package but he just doesn't want it maybe or doesn't have time for it or more likely feel secure in himself to take it......I'm just so sick about it.


lemme get this straight... you are with this guy for 6 years and you JUST NOW figured out he is not the kink boy you thought????? Who's the moron here...

Duh BadOne


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RE: Can't go vanilla again! - 6/19/2011 12:53:14 AM   
Firebirdseeking


Posts: 477
Joined: 9/3/2006
Status: offline 		Seriously? Its "her" job to create a safe space for him to be dominant? I thought it was "his" job to create the safe space for her to be submissive.

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RE: Can't go vanilla again! - 6/19/2011 12:58:24 AM   
Firebirdseeking


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quote:

The counselor is a coworker, friend, as well as a criminal pathologist and we are comfortable with him...and his collection of autopsy photos. Not sure just yet how comfortable we will be discussing the lifestyle just yet.


Those are problems right there. A counselor cannot be your 'friend'. Or a coworker. That is called a "dual relationship" and is generally considered an unethical position for a licensed therapist, because a friend does not have the objectivity of someone who does not know either of you outside the therapy office.

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RE: Can't go vanilla again! - 6/19/2011 5:49:16 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Firebirdseeking
Seriously? Its "her" job to create a safe space for him to be dominant? I thought it was "his" job to create the safe space for her to be submissive.


Yes, she is responsible for him feeling safe to dominate her. As long as one rejects dominance, a decent man will not try to unconsensually force this. Because doing that is the definition of an abuser.

At the same time, a dominant must create a safe place for a submissive to submit. Because it isn't wise to submit to a user who will take advantage of you while sneering at you the whole time.


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RE: Can't go vanilla again! - 6/19/2011 6:32:41 AM   
Firebirdseeking


Posts: 477
Joined: 9/3/2006
Status: offline 		I see what you mean. I dont think of that as making it safe for him to dominate.

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RE: Can't go vanilla again! - 6/19/2011 6:56:16 PM   
Tristan


Posts: 330
Joined: 5/31/2004
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quote:

The counselor is a coworker, friend, as well as a criminal pathologist and we are comfortable with him...and his collection of autopsy photos. Not sure just yet how comfortable we will be discussing the lifestyle just yet.



I'm I missing something here?  What does autopsy photos and criminal pathologist have to do with couples counseling?

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Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Can't go vanilla again! - 6/20/2011 3:51:27 AM   
Tristan


Posts: 330
Joined: 5/31/2004
Status: offline 		I also agree with previous posts about your journal entries.  They seem critical.  Yes, they have nothing to do with your current relationship, and yeah, many on this site are deserving of reprimand.  However, if you do not turn off the criticism with your b/f, the criticism may seriously affect your relationship.  Criticism tends to make people feel unappreciated, and that really kills the emotional intimacy needed for healthy D/s relationship.  I also think it's a lot easier to go through the motions with a vanilla relationship than it is for a D/s relationship.  I suspect the D/s part would go first when emotional intimacy is lost.

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RE: Can't go vanilla again! - 6/24/2011 9:40:29 AM   
Gspotmaster


Posts: 5
Joined: 8/24/2007
Status: offline 		You can take the man out of BDSM but you cant take the BDSM out of the man!

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RE: Can't go vanilla again! - 6/25/2011 3:12:37 PM   
Buzzzz


Posts: 839
Joined: 11/28/2010
Status: offline 		luna, you need four more post and you'll ge t a paddle !!!

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RE: Can't go vanilla again! - 6/25/2011 5:34:08 PM   
erieangel


Posts: 2237
Joined: 6/19/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Firebirdseeking

quote:

The counselor is a coworker, friend, as well as a criminal pathologist and we are comfortable with him...and his collection of autopsy photos. Not sure just yet how comfortable we will be discussing the lifestyle just yet.


Those are problems right there. A counselor cannot be your 'friend'. Or a coworker. That is called a "dual relationship" and is generally considered an unethical position for a licensed therapist, because a friend does not have the objectivity of someone who does not know either of you outside the therapy office.



This.

I work in mental health field and to counsel your friends is one of the biggest no-no's. Your 'friend' should have recommended somebody else; since he hasn't, you should have him do so. I know I wouldn't even want to go to one of co-workers for counseling which puts me in a sorry place because I happen to work for the best mental health service provider in my area. I would be afraid that since I didn't care about the ethical situation of speaking with a friend/co-worker, that person would see it as permission to blab my secrets around the agency.

(in reply to Firebirdseeking)
Profile   Post #: 50
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