The line between M/s and emotional abuse?

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The line between M/s and emotional abuse? - 6/1/2011 10:06:05 AM

sweetlilcute

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Where do you draw it?

How do you know if it's M/s or emotional abuse?

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RE: The line between M/s and emotional abuse? - 6/1/2011 10:09:55 AM

willbeurdaddy

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetlilcute

Where do you draw it?

How do you know if it's M/s or emotional abuse?

You know by taking the time and having the knowledge to understand her/his needs and vulnerabilities. Its a different line for every individual, and one the M better understand lest he/she causes permanent damage.

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RE: The line between M/s and emotional abuse? - 6/1/2011 10:19:42 AM

littlewonder

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when i no longer wish to be with him

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RE: The line between M/s and emotional abuse? - 6/1/2011 10:37:16 AM

leadership527

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My own opinion? I suspect you know about the time you start asking yourself this question.

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I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

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RE: The line between M/s and emotional abuse? - 6/1/2011 10:45:57 AM

DeviantMan

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Pure and simple...
M/s is about consideration. You will NEVER abuse that balance, even if you're "abusing" the person at the time. You know, by several hints and signs, when you push things too far, and you step back when you do.

Emotional abuse... when you see the hints and signs, you know that you have pushed things too far, but you deliberately keep going. This is when you want to hurt the person before you, not "abuse" the slave on your feet.

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RE: The line between M/s and emotional abuse? - 6/1/2011 10:56:11 AM

SimplyMichael

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When you begin to doubt yourself, when the next day you go WTF? When you dread his voice or presence.

I do some seriously fucked up shit but in the FULL CONTEXT OF THE RELATIONSHIP it is only a small part of what we do.

Most bdsm is about ritualizing dysfunction and many men seek to feel powerful by tearing their women down and making them weaker.

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RE: The line between M/s and emotional abuse? - 6/1/2011 11:01:44 AM

LaTigresse

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quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

My own opinion? I suspect you know about the time you start asking yourself this question.

Ohhhhhh WORD!

That was my best valley girl impersonation btw...

That was my very first reaction.......... but I also think there are other moments when some of us do question ourselves. I know that I did, in the beginning, and likely will again. Each person we engage in a relationship with, will have different deciding factors that will make any given activity or behaviour, either a positive or negative. What is all fun and games for one person might be considered abuse for another.

I believe this is one of those areas where communication is so vital.

< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 6/1/2011 11:02:40 AM >

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RE: The line between M/s and emotional abuse? - 6/1/2011 11:06:45 AM

crazyml

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quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

My own opinion? I suspect you know about the time you start asking yourself this question.

In principle, I'm totally in agreement with this. But with a caveat... I've seen a few souls (here and elsewhere) who - in my totally unqualified and unscientific opinion - either are in or have been in relationships that seem to have been deeply abusive to them. So I'd add...

"or when all your friends and relatives are asking you the question" just as a second check?

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RE: The line between M/s and emotional abuse? - 6/1/2011 11:09:19 AM

keechoo

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Coming from an emotionally abusive ex.....when you have a dream of yourself coming to you to tell you it is time to leave and never look back. I'm still working on the never look back part but the leaving part has never made me feel so good as when I told him it was over. When you are constantly feeling disrespected, your opinions don't count, you are always wrong (ok, ok, the sky really is green), wish he'd get lost on his way home from work, and dread every phone call might be from him....that is when you know you are being emotionally abused.

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RE: The line between M/s and emotional abuse? - 6/1/2011 11:12:42 AM

crazyml

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<shudders>

It takes courage sometimes though, doesn't it? To make that beak?

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RE: The line between M/s and emotional abuse? - 6/1/2011 11:18:58 AM

keechoo

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Lots of courage! For 3 years, 2 doctors were telling me to leave for my own sanity and it wasn't until that dream that I woke up and said "good-bye. I'm not crying over you anymore".

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RE: The line between M/s and emotional abuse? - 6/1/2011 11:24:34 AM

IrishMist

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quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

My own opinion? I suspect you know about the time you start asking yourself this question.

I agree.

If you are asking yourself that question, then the answer is obvious.

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RE: The line between M/s and emotional abuse? - 6/1/2011 11:30:14 AM

ChatteParfaitt

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

When you begin to doubt yourself, when the next day you go WTF? When you dread his voice or presence.

I do some seriously fucked up shit but in the FULL CONTEXT OF THE RELATIONSHIP it is only a small part of what we do.

Most bdsm is about ritualizing dysfunction and many men seek to feel powerful by tearing their women down and making them weaker.

That's a very interesting statement. Would you please clarify what you mean?

I am not, BTW disagreeing with you, but I would like to know more about your thoughts on the matter.

Thank you.

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RE: The line between M/s and emotional abuse? - 6/1/2011 11:33:30 AM

imber67

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Anything that makes you uneasy or crying afterward is nothing but abuse.

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RE: The line between M/s and emotional abuse? - 6/1/2011 11:38:41 AM

IrishMist

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quote:

ORIGINAL: imber67

Anything that makes you uneasy or crying afterward is nothing but abuse.

That's a pretty generalized statement. One that I happen to disagree with on the basis that just because something may make YOU uneasy or cause YOU to cry does not mean that for another it would be seen as abuse.

Abuse is a pretty subjective word that means different things for different people. As much as we would like to pin it down to a single definition for EVERYONE, it's just not possible to do.

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RE: The line between M/s and emotional abuse? - 6/1/2011 11:44:13 AM

ChatteParfaitt

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quote:

ORIGINAL: imber67

Anything that makes you uneasy or crying afterward is nothing but abuse.

Poppycock !!
An emotional melt down is one thing, emotional catharsis quite another. There are subs who want to be brought to tears specifically for the emotional release.

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RE: The line between M/s and emotional abuse? - 6/1/2011 11:46:36 AM

leadership527

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quote:

ORIGINAL: imber67
Anything that makes you uneasy or crying afterward is nothing but abuse.

Gosh, that's a bit broad don't you think? Carol and I have been married a long time and it's been a wonderful marriage but we've definitely made each other uneasy and sad from time to time. As a matter of fact, I'm not exactly sure how I could even be a credible leader for her without making her "uneasy" from time to time.

In my mind your thought becomes a possible marker when it isn't one single moment that causes the uneasiness but the relationship as a whole.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

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RE: The line between M/s and emotional abuse? - 6/1/2011 11:53:48 AM

SimplyMichael

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

When you begin to doubt yourself, when the next day you go WTF? When you dread his voice or presence.

I do some seriously fucked up shit but in the FULL CONTEXT OF THE RELATIONSHIP it is only a small part of what we do.

Most bdsm is about ritualizing dysfunction and many men seek to feel powerful by tearing their women down and making them weaker.

That's a very interesting statement. Would you please clarify what you mean?

I am not, BTW disagreeing with you, but I would like to know more about your thoughts on the matter.

Thank you.

Which part, the ritualized dysfunction or that many men seek to feel powerful by making their partners feel smaller/weaker?

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RE: The line between M/s and emotional abuse? - 6/1/2011 11:59:20 AM

NuevaVida

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Great replies here. I'll add when you feel less about yourself as a result of the relationship, as in, stop liking yourself. When you live with that pit in your gut that never goes away. When you walk on eggshells. When you start doubting your inner voice. When you lie to yourself to convince yourself you are happy. When there is no joy in your heart anymore.

And yes, it takes a lot of courage to get out, because your self confidence is so lacking. But in retrospect you can look back and say "Wow."

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RE: The line between M/s and emotional abuse? - 6/1/2011 12:09:52 PM

ChatteParfaitt

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Most bdsm is about ritualizing dysfunction and many men seek to feel powerful by tearing their women down and making them weaker.

Both parts pls.

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