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Building Self Esteem - 6/2/2011 10:16:26 AM

peachgirl

Posts: 396
Joined: 6/25/2009
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We talk a lot about how we have to be well-rounded and secure in ourselves in order to have a successful relationship, BDSM or otherwise. There are a lot of us out there who have either come from childhood or relationships that have damaged our self-esteem or made ourselves doubt our own sanity and abilities. My question is, what is your most valuable tool in your emotional strongbox that helps you build self-esteem? I'm curious to answers beyond, "My current relationship".

(Not sure if this is posted in the right place but I suppose I will find out if it's not.)

_____________________________

Have you seen that girl in the corner?
I'd like to take her out of her chains
Cause if I had my way with you baby
I would be changing your life today.
- Bob Welch

Post #: 1

RE: Building Self Esteem - 6/2/2011 10:32:46 AM

heartcream

Posts: 3044
Joined: 5/9/2007
From: Psychoalphadiscobetabioaquadoloop
Status: offline

Most of us have a level of self-haterd, self-loathing that is not healthy. I dont have any one thing to fix my own share of it. Some helpful tools for me are let us say I have said something derogatory about myself, "I am so stupid", I take it back, "I am not stupid" That sort of thing. Sound is energy and as surely as we put crap out there, we can take it back in the same form.

If someone compliments me instead of an immediate, "Oh no..." I say, "Thank you" It is important to take the good stuff in and it can be difficult, it takes re-training.

If something is going on and I feel bad about something I also try and cut myself lots of slack and expect blessings along the way to help me.

There are many ways to help heal old perceptions and the like that are no longer of any use and it is healthy to try and turn it all around so self-love gets stronger and stronger.

_____________________________

"Exaggerate the essential, leave the obvious vague." Vincent Van Gogh

I'd Rather Be With You

Every single line means something.
Jean-Michel Basquiat

(in reply to peachgirl)

Post #: 2

RE: Building Self Esteem - 6/2/2011 10:36:00 AM

DavidLee44UK

Posts: 436
Joined: 5/13/2011
Status: offline

i just have self esteem its not part a toolbox its me

i read lots books on the subject yrs ago

its belief in oneself

i believe that if i set out to do something i will do it

and i try to install that in people i meet as well my subs

(in reply to peachgirl)

Post #: 3

RE: Building Self Esteem - 6/2/2011 10:45:03 AM

SylvereApLeanan

Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline

My current relationship. Really.

Spyder is really good about giving me a reality check when I need it. I tend to be pretty self-aware and make a point of doing a lot of self-examination, but everyone has blind spots. If I've mulled something over (read: stewed about it) and can't figure out if I've done something inappropriate to the situation or if I'm over-reacting, I'll ask him. I trust him to be honest and tell me if I've screwed up somewhere along the way. He's a very calm, rational person and capable of looking at a situation from all possible angles. He often sees things in much the same way I do. One of my trigger issues is thinking (or being told) that whatever I'm feeling is somehow wrong or bad. Knowing I'm looking at things from a balanced perspective does wonders for my self-esteem because it lets me know that what I feel is normal and appropriate to the situation.

_____________________________

Sylverë
Dark Muse
30 Fluffy Points
Grumpy Cat is my spirit animal.
Shadow Governess & Mean Girl

"There's something that doesn't make sense. Let's go and poke it with a stick."— The Doctor

(in reply to peachgirl)

Post #: 4

RE: Building Self Esteem - 6/2/2011 11:02:17 AM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: peachgirl
What is your most valuable tool in your emotional strongbox that helps you build self-esteem?

Reality and success.

If that weren't enough (and yes, I understand how tangled things can become) then my only answer would involve some sort of outside input. That would most likely be (sorry) Carol. Failing that it'd be a therapist. But if I'm so lost in the weeds (and yes, it happens to me) that I am disconnected from reality then I'm going to need some help finding my way back.

If I am still connected with reality (on the topic that's causing the trouble), then I look to see what the issue is and I fix it and then it's not an issue anymore. In the case of "self-esteem" I'd be asking myself "What constitutes a good, strong, esteem-worthy person and how do I both meet and fail to meet those criteria."

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to peachgirl)

Post #: 5

RE: Building Self Esteem - 6/2/2011 11:44:20 AM

LaTigresse

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Joined: 1/15/2006
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My thoughts would somewhat echo what Leadership has written. I was lucky in that I had several great role models in my young adult years.

Many of the work environments I've been in, and excelled, have also been very positive. I think it is helpful to surround yourself with positive people. People that will teach new skills and ways of seeing the world.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 6

RE: Building Self Esteem - 6/2/2011 12:55:29 PM

crazyml

Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline

Fuck me. What an interesting question.

To start, I'm not sure I'd agree with heartcream - while I think most of us have things that we'd like to change, I don't think "self loathing" or "self hatred" are good words to describe these things. My sense is that if "self-loathing" comes up in conversation, then there is some "stuff" that needs to be sorted out.

Aaaanyway... Self-esteem.

There were a couple of big breakthroughs for me.

The first was accepting my faults (and believe me I have a few). This came to me in my late teens, having spent the better part of my teens pretending to be someone I wasn't. I quite literally woke up and thought "fuck it" enough of this shit, I'm going to be me.

The second break through came from my godfather (a retired jesuit priest, now a monk). I'd been going through a shockingly bad time.. a relationship break-up, a horridly expensive business deal that resulted in the client running off without paying (never do business with dodgy russian mining companies... trust me on this). I was just about penniless, I wasn't paying my mortgage - and my confidence was being destroyed.

He asked me "What's the worst thing that could happen?"

Fucking hell! Sure, I could lose the house, but I could find somewhere to live. I could lose my car, but I could get a bike... suddenly I realised that with all this stress was really just about "things".

Suddenly my self confidence seemed to come back.

The other piece of advice I got from Father T was to celebrate every success, and every failure. If you wake up and you feel like a lion - roar like a lion! If you screw up take it on the chin - everyone fucks up. The analogy he used was this... (I wont try to do the polish accent)... "Imagine you're travelling through your life in a canoe... sometimes the river will be smooth, sometimes it'll be rough. Sometimes you'll come to a fork in the river and you'll have a choice to make. Your job is to make sure that you make sure that you only carry the stuff in your canoe that is going to help you later on. Regrets are like stones - they just weigh you down. But experiences - they're the food and shelter you'll need. And as you paddle your way through your existence, remember to dry your clothes when the sun shines, remember to gather food when it's plentiful, and be ready to shelter when it gets really shitty".

Ultimately we've all got a choice to make when it comes to the things we put into that canoe - we can put stones in, or clothing, food and shelter... every experience we have can either be a stone, or something useful, the key is to discard the stones and keep the good stuff.

<not sure it that makes any sense at all but hey!>

_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to peachgirl)

Post #: 7

RE: Building Self Esteem - 6/2/2011 1:02:12 PM

LaTigresse

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Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

It made perfectly wonderful sense!

Another thing I was thinking about........learning to forgive yourself for your screw-ups is HUGE.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to crazyml)

Post #: 8

RE: Building Self Esteem - 6/2/2011 1:11:15 PM

crazyml

Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

learning to forgive yourself for your screw-ups is HUGE.

Abso-fucking-loootly. I think this is the most important thing a person can learn.

Or joint first with "Don't take yourself too seriously"

_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 9

RE: Building Self Esteem - 6/2/2011 1:16:59 PM

popularDemand

Posts: 228
Status: offline

Build a Tree-House.
They are more usefull.

pD

_____________________________

A sentence should be like a serpent: Quick with a sting in its tail. String me a line that has meaning and depth.
There's no small talk with walky-talkies.
Small talk stinks.

(in reply to peachgirl)

Post #: 10

RE: Building Self Esteem - 6/2/2011 2:56:15 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Therapy

Beyond that affirmations are big on my list.
And not putting yourself down. However I found that a lot easier to do inside of a supportive relationship with a man who flatly does not permit me to do so. Having someone to call you on it helps, because you won't see yourself doing it.

Just learning to accept a compliment is very difficult for many people. Do you respond to a compliment with something that turns it aside? Do you infer that the person complimenting you must be lying or stupid to believe what he said? Someone who calls you on that and demands you respond positively or at the very least simply by thanking them.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to popularDemand)

Post #: 11

RE: Building Self Esteem - 6/2/2011 4:00:46 PM

HeatherMcLeather

Posts: 2559
Joined: 5/21/2011
From: The dog house
Status: offline

I'm afraid I have to say my current relationship. Not so much that its good or how it works, but simply that it is.

And these boards. The fact that I'm accepted and apparently liked by many of you on here is a BIG boost for my self esteem, that you take my newbie musings seriously and find some insight in them is important to me.

My biggest tools are the things Hanners has taught me:
- I am more than what has happened to me. I have been victimized, but I am not a victim.
- Shit happens, and while sometimes it is my fault, sometimes its not (I still have trouble telling them apart).
- I can be loved, I'm worthy of it.
- I can't do everything, I can only do my best. I will fail at times, but that doesn't make me any less worthy a person, as long as I tried my best.
- There's beauty in everybody, even me.
- There's ugliness in everybody, not only me.
- There's no shame in not knowing, the shame is in not wanting to know.
- I'm not responsible for other people's thoughts and feelings
- My self image determines how the world perceives me, not the other way round.

There's a lot more, but those are the things that come to mind related to self-esteem.

(in reply to peachgirl)

Post #: 12

RE: Building Self Esteem - 6/2/2011 4:17:22 PM

NuevaVida

Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline

My therapist worked me through my victim-mentality: victim of family, victim of men, victim of circumstances, victim of myself. I remember a breakthrough moment in which I (rather emotionally) asked, "Why was it ok with me to be treated like that??".

Once that question was asked of myself, I could begin searching for the answers, which led me to discover why I didn't like myself very much.

That was the start of it. I also journaled a lot, took a month long road trip by myself which was life changing (and was the beginning of me starting to really discover and like myself, and spent a stretch of time unattached to any relationship, discovering what I liked, what worked for me, and who I was.

Along with that, I made some major accomplishments for myself. I set and upheld healthy boundaries for myself, and, with a lot of effort, changed my thinking to a much more hopeful and positive view. Then I got this really cool job which challenged the hell out of me, met a man who thinks I'm the most perfect woman in the world for him, and lost 75 pounds.

So my self esteem is in a pretty good place. Because of that, I can look at flaws and change them (or choose not to) and beating myself up over them is no longer on my radar. I learned that life has endless possibilities for us and if we open ourselves up to them we can be very pleasantly surprised.

My life no longer has room for self loathing, and since I rather like who I am, I can accept that not everyone will think I'm as cool as my friends, family and Mister do, and I'm totally ok with that.

It's been a very long road from self loathing to self love, but I'm pretty pleased with the outcome so far. I'm still traveling on it, but the future is very hopeful. I have proven (to myself) my ability to overcome, so I don't worry about what's ahead.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to peachgirl)

Post #: 13

RE: Building Self Esteem - 6/2/2011 4:19:32 PM

NuevaVida

Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline

That's an awesome list of tools, Heather. Love it!

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to HeatherMcLeather)

Post #: 14

RE: Building Self Esteem - 6/2/2011 4:39:42 PM

peachgirl

Posts: 396
Joined: 6/25/2009
Status: offline

I'm loving everything that I am reading. The reason I asked to exclude (if possible) a current relationship, is because even though I think it is wonderful that a person is in a relationship, ultimately it is our own responsibility to lift ourselves up, if that makes sense.

_____________________________

Have you seen that girl in the corner?
I'd like to take her out of her chains
Cause if I had my way with you baby
I would be changing your life today.
- Bob Welch

(in reply to NuevaVida)

Post #: 15

RE: Building Self Esteem - 6/2/2011 4:42:57 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

For me personally....God

Yeah, God...my beliefs, my reminding myself every single day that my plans are not God's plans and that to not be the full person He wants me to be is to be a disservice to him.

(in reply to peachgirl)

Post #: 16

RE: Building Self Esteem - 6/2/2011 4:44:44 PM

coookie

Posts: 541
Joined: 10/25/2010
Status: offline

Sometimes i read what you write and i wonder exactly how old you are. You are wise and kind and smart Heather. I love reading your posts for your perspective.

(in reply to HeatherMcLeather)

Post #: 17

RE: Building Self Esteem - 6/2/2011 4:57:00 PM

HeatherMcLeather

Posts: 2559
Joined: 5/21/2011
From: The dog house
Status: offline

quote:

That's an awesome list of tools, Heather. Love it!

Thanks. There's a lot more to Hanners than just mean and bitchy.

(in reply to NuevaVida)

Post #: 18

RE: Building Self Esteem - 6/2/2011 5:16:00 PM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline

The best thing i ever did for myself was give myself time and space after my divorce. .......of course, 10 years may have been a little .... excessive, but when i was ready to rejoin the human race, i found the best therapist, who allowed me to find the things in me that were less than optimal.

Since that time, i have had two fabulous relationships with two wonderful men who are pretty much the opposite in every way except their kindness and generosity - and love of kink. I love them both - even though one is dead, and wish i could have them both.

The fact that they both love/loved me is a huge boost to my self esteem - if i wasn't worth it, then it wouldn't have happened. Its a bit of a circle, because if my self esteem wasn't fairly healthy, i wouldn't have trusted myself to love them, and receieve their love - which reinforced my feelings of self worth and so on and so on.

I would say looking at what you as an individual do and why you do it and putting a positive spin on it - such as, i am worthy of love, or i am worthy of fun - would be a fairly simplistic way of looking at it. (grins)

(in reply to HeatherMcLeather)

Post #: 19

RE: Building Self Esteem - 6/2/2011 5:38:03 PM

HeatherMcLeather

Posts: 2559
Joined: 5/21/2011
From: The dog house
Status: offline

quote:

even though I think it is wonderful that a person is in a relationship, ultimately it is our own responsibility to lift ourselves up, if that makes sense.

The reason I felt I had to list it is because the fact that I am in a relationship is a big boost to my self esteem. The details of the relationship are less important than the fact that somebody sees me as worth having a relationship with. It may be our responsibility to lift ourselves up, we can use the actions and opinions of others as tools to do that.

Also the fact that its been all Hanners teaching me how to do that lifting up, so my improved self esteem cannot be considered outside of my current relationship, its so utterly entwined that they are inseparable.

(in reply to peachgirl)

Post #: 20

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