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RE: Awww - 5/15/2006 8:30:34 PM   
Reflectivesoul


Posts: 1777
Joined: 4/25/2006
Status: offline
quote:

Can't the slave's personality and behavior tendencies contribute to these behaviors as well?  A master isn't fully to blame if the slave came into the relationship with severe codependency issues....the M/s relationship may have given her an outlet to fully realize these dependency needs which may have been latent before.

Not to say he doesn't share in the responsibility, but without knowing them both, it's hard to just blame one.

To the OP, i hope things work out. 


The OP stated that the relationship was 9 yrs total. There would have been signs a LOT of them within the 9 years but with a slave it is the Masters job to watch for these things. And as already posted it was gradual over time thing not a she walked in the door and boom the next day had no life. This happened because it was allowed to happen.

(in reply to Reflectivesoul)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Lost My Little One.... - 5/15/2006 8:38:13 PM   
VvShadowspawnvV


Posts: 218
Joined: 3/27/2006
Status: offline 		hi Zippy =)

Personally, i think we all focus TOO MUCH on our work, and not enough on our families... and as her husband, you ARE her family, aren't you i would suggest that, unless you were whupping her every time she didn't focus entirely on you, this is something she did on her own- and likely reflects who she is... and therefore it isn't a "bad" thing. It's scary to suddenly realize that we aren't the person we used to be, that someone else is more important to us than we are ourselves. Lots of talking. Lots and lots. Best wishes

becca


(in reply to TopZippy)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Lost My Little One.... - 5/15/2006 8:49:57 PM   
petwolf22


Posts: 343
Joined: 9/5/2005
Status: offline 		just saying that she may have shared some of the responsibility as well

(in reply to VvShadowspawnvV)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Lost My Little One.... - 5/15/2006 9:05:41 PM   
Emperor1956


Posts: 2370
Joined: 11/7/2005
Status: offline 		I am very bothered that only one who has posted to date has suggested that TopZippy and his "little one" would benefit from couples counselling with a B/D/S/M tolerant therapist, and that suggestion was buried in her screed blaming the poor guy for just about EVERYTHING that happened.  Many of you are really harsh on this man, who has apparently posted in good faith.  Why do you feel you must assign blame (and how can you when you have virtually NONE of the story to base your assessment upon?)  Some one even took him to task for being lonesome and seeking someone new in his life?  I would think that a  professional therapist might suggest reasons (to him) why that search is counterproductive right now.

I see a lot of blame being thrown around, a lot of people with clearly protruding baggage dumping it out here  (and yes, I do also see some support and care).  but I haven't seen this one very cogent suggestion reinforced.  TZ, look at the possibility of counselling, to discuss both regaining your partnership with her, and possibly retaining some of the D/s aspects (or if you are jettisoning the D/s, know how to do it).

TopZippy, good luck, and may you find peace.

E.

(I also note that the ratio of women to men posting on this thread is about 20:1  I wonder where that comes from?)

< Message edited by Emperor1956 -- 5/15/2006 9:15:32 PM >

_____________________________

"When you wake up, Pooh," said Piglet, "what's the first thing you say?"
"What's for breakfast? What do you say, Piglet?"
"I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?"
Pooh nodded thoughtfully.
"It's the same thing," he said.

(in reply to TopZippy)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Lost My Little One.... - 5/15/2006 9:28:12 PM   
Reflectivesoul


Posts: 1777
Joined: 4/25/2006
Status: offline 		Maybe its because women actually take the time to emotionally learn the other person?
 
And yep there is a lot of blame and good reason behind it too. A Master is supposed to take care of his little one, period. Care was neglected in this case no matter if you want to see it or not.
 
Far be it for a lowly woman to point out the fact that ignoring a withdrawing slave is a BAD thing. People wonder how others get so emotionally screwed in this lifestyle.... this just happens to be one of those reasons. Oh but wait it was that slaves responsibility to tell the MASTER that he was neglecting HIS duties huh?  Kinda makes me wonder what the term Master is supposed to mean to people then and what the hell a slave really is.... cause I must obviously have the wrong impression in my head that a Master is supposed to take care of a slave and he is supposed to inform her on EVERY level of her life, but he is also supposed to enforce that she be an individual and not a damn doormat....
 
And Doms wonder why so many subs/slaves call them jokes.... This is the same for a lot of the Domme's too so no this isnt a man bashing its a responsibility neglecting bashing. No matter what side of the fence it falls on, when you drop the ball atleast admit it and own up to it, dont play the I never saw it coming line cause honey I'll play you a tune on the worlds smallest violin and offer you some cheese to go with that whine....

(in reply to Emperor1956)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Lost My Little One.... - 5/15/2006 10:03:05 PM   
Emperor1956


Posts: 2370
Joined: 11/7/2005
Status: offline 		 Reflective soul said: 
quote:

Care was neglected in this case no matter if you want to see it or not.
  ... and a whole lot more.


I wish I had your deep insights into the human psyche so I could judge people when I know nothing of the situation.  You don't know that care was neglected.  You have no basis to make that (and most) of your "factual" statements.  I can't make those judgements (or at least, I won't) when I don't know the facts.  Hence I suggested that professional intervention might be appropriate.

quote:

Far be it for a lowly woman to point out . . .


And if you are a "lowly woman" that is YOUR assessment of yourself, miss, surely not mine.  I just was surprised at the disproportionate ratio of posts.  I said nothing else.  You are revealing a lot of yourself in your nasty little post.

< Message edited by Emperor1956 -- 5/15/2006 10:06:34 PM >

_____________________________

"When you wake up, Pooh," said Piglet, "what's the first thing you say?"
"What's for breakfast? What do you say, Piglet?"
"I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?"
Pooh nodded thoughtfully.
"It's the same thing," he said.

(in reply to Reflectivesoul)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Lost My Little One.... - 5/15/2006 10:12:49 PM   
MistressLove999


Posts: 201
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: Daytona Beach, Florida
Status: offline 		Excuse me but not to be very snippy.........when I went to school 25-8= 17 correct??? By your profile you began training as a sub at 17?? hmmmmmmmm, something is very WRONG in this hen house kiddo............as the mother of a 24 yr old girl I would be about to kill  somebody........

< Message edited by MistressLove999 -- 5/15/2006 10:15:08 PM >

_____________________________

Play nice & Be Well,

Mistress Love

(in reply to Reflectivesoul)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Lost My Little One.... - 5/15/2006 10:34:02 PM   
Reflectivesoul


Posts: 1777
Joined: 4/25/2006
Status: offline 		actually next week makes 9 years so back it up a year I was 16 when I got pulled into this lifestyle.
 
If there is anything else you would like to know please feel free to e-mail me, I dont mind answering .

(in reply to MistressLove999)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Lost My Little One.... - 5/15/2006 10:39:34 PM   
Reflectivesoul


Posts: 1777
Joined: 4/25/2006
Status: offline
quote:

In some ways, her complete devotion is exactly what I thought a slave should have for her Master. The fact is, however, that she focused on me so totally that she began to loose focus on her R/W obligations, such as her job and her family.
Seriously, she lost the ability to act or react to anything without seeking my advice, council, or permission in any way. While she still craves being submissive to me, she knows that she has to find herself again and try to be "whole."
Now, my perspective on this is that she had all the right "moves," but I failed to see that she was loosing her identity.


This is from the OP.... this little part encompasses every judgement I have made. Note too that He even admitted that He FAILED to see it....
 
But from personal and true life experience you do see when someone starts to withdraw from life and interactions, its wether or not you care to address those issues or not that takes the lead from that point. But to say you didnt see it coming, no. You make a choice when it starts to sweep it under the rug or to deal with it.
 
As far as the woman comment I made, no where else did anyone besides you being up that the majority of the responses were from females which is why I put the sarcastic comment back. Dont like it not much I can do about it but I'm not going to lie and say it wasnt meant to raise hackles either....
 
~RS~

(in reply to MstrssPassion)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Lost My Little One.... - 5/15/2006 10:41:26 PM   
Reflectivesoul


Posts: 1777
Joined: 4/25/2006
Status: offline 		Mistress Love,
 
I would like to say thank you too for being a proud parent and having the balls to stick up for your child, my mom however didnt and never will. As I said before though please feel free to ask any questions of me that you wish, I have no hinderances in answering.
 
Take care,
 
~RS~

(in reply to Reflectivesoul)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Lost My Little One.... - 5/15/2006 10:46:05 PM   
Reflectivesoul


Posts: 1777
Joined: 4/25/2006
Status: offline 		Oh and please if you are going to quote me use it in the style it was written. No matter if it is delivered in sarcasm or not the point is still delivered. If I really must reiterate the point to that post which funny how I got e-mails that people were agreeing with me, it is that a slave withdrawing is a BAD thing, but I guess you just skipped over that part to pull the statement apart to use as a personal attack against me..... * applauds* please continue I love feedback....
 
quote:

Far be it for a lowly woman to point out the fact that ignoring a withdrawing slave is a BAD thing. 

(in reply to Reflectivesoul)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Lost My Little One.... - 5/15/2006 10:55:17 PM   
MistressLove999


Posts: 201
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: Daytona Beach, Florida
Status: offline 		Makes me angry and very sad but, then again thats a different thread entirely.......

_____________________________

Play nice & Be Well,

Mistress Love

(in reply to Reflectivesoul)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Lost My Little One.... - 5/16/2006 4:37:17 AM   
TopZippy


Posts: 29
Joined: 9/13/2005
From: Cloquet, MN
Status: offline 		MstrssPassion, I see what you mean. It has been a long time since I was not her Master, and old habits die hard! <grin>
Currently, in our interactions I do not refer to her with a pet name or as a submissive in anyway. She does need to find herself.
After further reflection, I believe she felt I was taking advantage of her. And she is not wrong. I did not do it on purpose, but that does not really change the fact that she felt unimportant, a fixture in my life. I doubt that there is any coming back from this situation, try as I might. I will continue to support her, but only at her request.
Thanks for your advice!



_____________________________

TopZippy

(in reply to MstrssPassion)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Lost My Little One.... - 5/16/2006 4:48:37 AM   
TopZippy


Posts: 29
Joined: 9/13/2005
From: Cloquet, MN
Status: offline 		ExistentialSteel, I am not looking to replace anyone. My profile, if I remember correctly, tells of an interest in discussion, not actual contact, with others in the D/s lifestyle. I don't want a replacement, just to learn. If I learn more, I may become a better Master in the future. It should be a Masters duty to learn and expand his experience. I don't see fault in trying to educate myself more fully.


_____________________________

TopZippy

(in reply to ExistentialSteel)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Lost My Little One.... - 5/16/2006 4:56:25 AM   
TopZippy


Posts: 29
Joined: 9/13/2005
From: Cloquet, MN
Status: offline 		agirl, When my slave (I don't realy know what to call her now) answered "Nothing" I knew something was wrong. Indeed I did. And believe me, I tried to get her to tell me. We often spent hours in open discussion, with me trying to wring it out of her. Sometime she would let little clues slip out, but it never seemed enough to "put the pieces together."
I did try to understand. She blocked. I failed to push hard enough because it "appeared" that our day to day interactions were on track. She performed all duties, was attentive, sex was great, and so on.
I do regret, with each passing moment, that I failed to understand.
Now for a more positive spin, I am learning from this experience, and I hope the woman who still has my heart will learn and benefit as well.



_____________________________

TopZippy

(in reply to agirl)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: Lost My Little One.... - 5/16/2006 4:56:58 AM   
feastie


Posts: 1793
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline 		Actually, your profile states that you are looking for a non-sexual D/s relationship.  However, the problem with your past relationship was emotional...and now that it's gone, you're seeking to find another "submissive". 



_____________________________

Snarky and loving it.

Disclaimer: Any views expressed in any post are my opinions only. They may or may not be yours.

(in reply to TopZippy)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: Lost My Little One.... - 5/16/2006 5:10:59 AM   
TopZippy


Posts: 29
Joined: 9/13/2005
From: Cloquet, MN
Status: offline 		feastie, You have brought up a good point. I am not looking to add a sub to my "harem." I am going to rewrite my profile to be more clear about my goals.

To all, Thank you for your advice. Seriously. Even those "harsh" words are educational, and I don't feel that I am being picked on. I come to this board because the people here seem to be clear thinking, intelligent, and willing to take time to help others in the lifestyle. I thank you all.

I do take blame for what has happened. She does as well. We still talk every day, and we are both learning what we were doing wrong. The input from the board members is appreciated and carefully considered.

We have not decided our future together. We may be able to fix what is wrong, but it is also possible that the only way to fix it is to end our relationship together.

My main concern is that she finds what she needs to make her life a happy existence, even if it means that I won't be with her.



_____________________________

TopZippy

(in reply to feastie)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: Lost My Little One.... - 5/16/2006 6:41:58 AM   
Reflectivesoul


Posts: 1777
Joined: 4/25/2006
Status: offline
quote:

In some ways, her complete devotion is exactly what I thought a slave should have for her Master. The fact is, however, that she focused on me so totally that she began to loose focus on her R/W obligations, such as her job and her family.
Seriously, she lost the ability to act or react to anything without seeking my advice, council, or permission in any way. While she still craves being submissive to me, she knows that she has to find herself again and try to be "whole."
Now, my perspective on this is that she had all the right "moves," but I failed to see that she was loosing her identity.

 
TZ, sorry I know I'm probably coming off as harping but stop and look at that general post you made, really look at it. You did know what was happening because you yourself stated that she was withdrawing and she was pulling away from her life in order to serve you. There is a problem with that. Then to say that you didnt see it coming is just a bad representation. I thought about this a lot last night when I went to bed, it kept me from sleeping for quite a while.
 
I think even if you dont get back together with your wife, you may want to check into the D/s friendly therapist ( as I did state before) simply to find out why you didnt pay attention to the clues and allowed it to get this far. Also as a good measure to make sure you wont let it happen again. Getting caught up in your own pleasure from a situation and allowing someone else to become so absorbed in you that they withdraw from everyday life is not healthy on either side of the fence.
 
I would also recomend tossing the idea to your ex so that she can start the long process of recovering from such a deep loss of her sense of self.
 
I also kind of feel the need to point out or atleast express that within a relationship dehumanizing a partner defeats the purpose of having that partner. Every person is entitled to their own individual "me". Why the need to change them is so great often times baffles me, because in the beginning when you first find someone is it not something about that person, in who they are, that attracts you in the first place?
 
I would hate the thought of being with someone who was merely a shell an empty box with no dreams or goals, no desires..... it would in a sense be like being with nothing at all. The idea of being with someone is to compliment the parts of us that we feel are important, enjoying another human being for their differences but at the same time delighting in the common connections between the people involved. Being able to share back and forth with someone. Where is the happiness in no differences? After a while wouldnt it become stale if someone else were always saying "what ever you wish" instead of actually having an oppinion or a desire to do something else? And not so much in a D/s aspect either, but rather in life as a whole. I know I personally hate it if I ask someone what they would like for dinner, what movies they would like to see, what places they want to go, and always getting a response of what ever you want is fine. The whole idea of asking someone else is that hello I want some input, I want you to be able to make a decision on your own, tell me what it is YOU want to do, what YOU want to see. Does that mean I give up any Dominance in doing so? No, it just means I dont want a doormat, I want someone that is able to make and stick with a thought or idea and that I want to be able to see the differences between what I might want at a particular time and what someone else may want, whats so wrong about that? ...................

(in reply to TopZippy)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: Lost My Little One.... - 5/16/2006 7:11:55 AM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TopZippy

agirl, When my slave (I don't realy know what to call her now) answered "Nothing" I knew something was wrong. Indeed I did. And believe me, I tried to get her to tell me. We often spent hours in open discussion, with me trying to wring it out of her.


"Nothing" is never an acceptable answer.  If this rule is established from the very beginning, and the slave is required to put her feelings to words, no matter how difficult, she learns, over time, to communicate those things that are difficult to find words for.  "I don't know" falls right in there with "Nothing."  And if I really can't find the words, you can bet I'll be writng an essay/journal about the topic the next day.  Information is never held back this way.


(in reply to TopZippy)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: Lost My Little One.... - 5/16/2006 12:03:46 PM   
ExistentialSteel


Posts: 676
Joined: 1/18/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TopZippy

ExistentialSteel, I am not looking to replace anyone. My profile, if I remember correctly, tells of an interest in discussion, not actual contact, with others in the D/s lifestyle. I don't want a replacement, just to learn. If I learn more, I may become a better Master in the future. It should be a Masters duty to learn and expand his experience. I don't see fault in trying to educate myself more fully.



Son of a gun, I thought you had a different profile up when this started. I guess that is my bad then.

_____________________________

For those who are like Roman Candles leaving bright trails in the night sky while the crowd watches until the dark blue center light bursts into magnificent colors and the crowd goes, ahhhhhhhhhh.

(in reply to TopZippy)
Profile   Post #: 60
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