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RE: How do you conquer your fears? - 6/9/2011 3:41:11 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		Ok. I'm going to take some time to think the responses over. I guess I need to think over whether it's really a good thing to do. Thank you Julia and Lance for weighing in as well, you had some personal things to offer that were very meaningful to me. I think I'd like to come back and add more, but for now a bit of thinking while I get dinner ready.

Just for the record, no one is pushing me into the ride except for me. My guy/ Dom/bf/man/whatever else I call him is important to me, very important, but he's not my saviour or my God and he doesn't get to call the shots on this. That's why I'm here looking for a way to make this decision on my own. He was there for the accident and one of my many caretakers during my recovery so he definitely knows what is involved here if the unthinkable happens and I'm hurt again or whatever. I've been the one putting pressure on myself, not him.

He did make the suggestion of doing the ride I think because he knew I'd started again riding on my own. Yes, it was something we enjoyed together in the past and it is something he'd like to continue with  me at his side if he had a choice, but he told me a while back that my active involvement didn't really matter to him all that much. That he would be happy with whatever path I chose to take. That the important thing was me being in his life, not me being his double.

Anyway....thank you everyone. One thing has been accomplished. I don't feel quite as edgy and like something is after me. I have settled down a bit and I know it's because for one thing I reached out for help and got it off my mind and out into the open...and for another thing you all have been really kind about giving me sincere responses. Thank you.

*Edited to add:  I took forever in writing that and missed the last posts. I keep saying this, but thank you to everyone else who weighed in. I do actually feel better with every post that's been added and I have no idea why except it's quite nice to be taken seriously and given such kindness. I do understand that everyone has different experiences and different solutions and I can sort through it - in my mind its good to get all of it. Who knows what will make sense in the end and feel right to do? I've some thinking to do....

< Message edited by lizi -- 6/9/2011 3:49:27 PM >

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RE: How do you conquer your fears? - 6/9/2011 3:43:12 PM   
Muttling


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Status: offline 		I wish you the best my Lady.

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RE: Leave lizi to her own healing process! - 6/9/2011 3:43:48 PM   
WinsomeDefiance


Posts: 6719
Joined: 8/7/2007
Status: offline 		Hi Lizi,

I think it was very brave of you to post something so personal about yourself.  I'd say that you have already found what works for you, since you have managed to get back on the bike.  That's a BIG first step.

Try not to let others undermine your confidence in yourself by comparing your own personal progress with that of others.  Inspiration is great, but sometimes the best meant inspiration can be demoralizing.  I think that is the concern that Lance Hughes is expressing.

I know that I face my own inner demons.  I don't have any answers for you.  Just lots of respect for your courage under such challenges and empathy for your desire to work through them.

WinD

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RE: Leave lizi to her own healing process! - 6/9/2011 3:44:15 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		I've been in situations like you described, afraid to jump in again because you're afraid of it happening again, still reminded of the pain and difficulties. It's not easy but for me I just keep telling myself over and over again that I'm smarter this time, I'm more prepared this time with the right safety equipment and research this time and saying "I can do this" over and over again until I get up enough courage to take a deep breath and just....JUMP!

Sometimes you just get to a point where you get fed up enough with the fear to just say "fuck it" and you just do it, at least that's how it's always worked for me.



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RE: Leave lizi to her own healing process! - 6/9/2011 3:48:14 PM   
LanceHughes


Posts: 4737
Joined: 2/12/2004
Status: offline 		ETPW: edited to proceed with: this was being typed back at number 19, not 25. LOL!  You're MOST welcome lizi.  Glad that all the comments gave you some peace and some perspective.

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania
quote:

ORIGINAL: LanceHughes
I think it's GREAT that some people have used little steps to conquer their fears.

BACK OFF folks - your method might or might not be lizi's method.

On these forums we tend to agree YKMNBMK - your kink might not be my kink - and there is a STRONG parallel here.

Your healing process might not be lizi's healing process.

I agree...

One thing that is a red flag for me reading her, and why I posted my story, is I really believe facing fears has to be about the person with the fear... no one else. In other words, if you suck it up for someone else, it can easily backfire.

julia - I totally got that and thank you for pointing it out for some that might not have "got" that.  I didn't put in all the "helpful" cliches that one grieving group came up with.  There were like 30 or 40....

He's in a better place.  (Maybe, maybe not - but what kind of place am I in?)

It's time to stop grieving and get back to your life. (What kind of life is that?)

etc.
etc.

but THE classic : Don't worry.  You'll find someone to replace him.

For lizi; these would be:
Now that you've had your accident, you can ride without fear 'cause that was a once in the lifetime accident so it can NEVER happen again. (WTF?)

It's time to get "back in the saddle," you silly goose.  After all, that accident was a long time ago....

It's like riding a bike <sardonic chuckle> you'll never forget how.

Hey.  Just ride past the same spot like nothing happened and then your fears will never come back.

Just a little at a time - worked for me - I'm sure it will work for you.

C'mon. /toussles hair/  Where's my brave little girl? - lizi - if this happens - you have my permission, nay, my blessing..... NOPE - actually, you are ORDERED to bite the hand that toussles you. LOL!

Plenty of responses that could have been added, so I'm kinda glad that lizi found our joint responses helpful.

Yes, she asked: Yes, she's a big girl:  But y'know, sometimes my signature line is what's "really" going on.  I'll dup it here to make it permanent on this thread.
"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer, but wish we didn't." Erica Jong

< Message edited by LanceHughes -- 6/9/2011 4:01:30 PM >

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RE: How do you conquer your fears? - 6/9/2011 4:00:45 PM   
BitaTruble


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Status: offline 		Heyaz Lizi..

If the ride gets to be too much (for any reason) just get off and walk your bike for a while or even the remaining distance if need be.

Good luck with everything!

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RE: How do you conquer your fears? - 6/9/2011 6:42:19 PM   
angelikaJ


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Status: offline 		lizi,

You went through something very traumatic.

It would not be wrong if your mind were to process this as PTSD.
It isn't a weakness, however you're processing this.

My suggestion would be to find a therapist who works with PTSD via the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy approach.

(((hugs)))


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RE: How do you conquer your fears? - 6/9/2011 6:58:46 PM   
lizi


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Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		After thinking this is what I think I'm going to do:
I'm going to pack all my stuff for biking and take it with me tomorrow night when we depart for our weekend. On Saturday morning I'm going to dress as though I was going on the ride and that will be my intention- to do it. However, if we get there and I just can't for whatever reason follow through on it, then I'm going to get my book and go sit under a tree and wait for him to get back. That's what we intended in the first place.

I know that being apprehensive is actually going to make me more unsteady and therefore more apt to having another accident. If I can't do it then I simply can't do it, but you know what? I got closer. Just by thinking about it and then coming here to bring it up- I faced up to a lot of things today. I feel a bit braver just for doing that. Then I'm going to gather up my gear from wherever it's hidden around the house and for God's sake I'm going to put it on again Saturday morning. I can do that, I can gather my things and I can put them on. Right there, those are 3 things that I have already accomplished or that I feel I can do over the next few days and it will bring me closer to some resolution of this fear. Like many of you said, small steps. I feel confident that I can carry through on doing those 3 things and that makes me feel more in control.

Then (!), I'll be there at that stupid ride with the intentions of following through on it. Where it goes after we get to the ride itself I don't know yet, but I'm not as stressed over it because I have laid out some obtainable goals leading up to the actual event. Taking the end goal of riding somewhat off the table and concentrating more on what leads up to it has given me some peace of mind.

If I don't end up riding it might not be the the ending I hoped for, but I got close enough to see it, smell it, and experience that situation again. Then next time maybe I'll ride.....or not. So I'm going to go with the intentions of riding and give myself the option of backing out if I feel at all like it's too overwhelming. Really, I can't be disappointed with myself if I give it an honest shot so that's what I'll do.

It seems like such a simple solution really, not sure why I didn't just get that earlier. It might change again. I just feel better to be out of panic mode and in a more settled frame of mind although things might change and I'll just be ready for it if that happens. Thanks everyone for listening and helping   Your stories and encouragement did make a difference. I feel more prepared now.

< Message edited by lizi -- 6/9/2011 7:12:31 PM >

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RE: How do you conquer your fears? - 6/9/2011 7:04:44 PM   
JstAnotherSub


Posts: 6174
Status: offline 		Good luck lizi.  Even if you take 2 steps forward and 3 steps back a bunch of times, eventually you can, and will, get there.

The only fear I have ever had to fight was panic attacks.  Going to the damn mailbox was impossible some days.  But, the one thing I learned from a support group I went to is, as long as you keep trying, it has not defeated you.

Sometimes I still feel anxiety coming at me.  I some times even let it keep me from doing something that I want to do, but I know, after so many years free of it, that the setbacks are temporary, and I just let them flow til they pass.

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RE: How do you conquer your fears? - 6/9/2011 7:08:17 PM   
lizi


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quote:

ORIGINAL: angelikaJ

lizi,

You went through something very traumatic.

It would not be wrong if your mind were to process this as PTSD.
It isn't a weakness, however you're processing this.

My suggestion would be to find a therapist who works with PTSD via the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy approach.

(((hugs)))



This is so silly...it never even crossed my mind that PTSD might be part of the problem. Why didn't I ever think of that? When I have some time after the weekend I'll be looking into learning more about that.

Thank you Angelika for bringing it up. It might not be a part of what I'm battling, but I am glad to know another avenue I can explore if I need more answers.

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RE: How do you conquer your fears? - 6/9/2011 7:12:11 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		To be honest, you have posted some of the symptoms of it....



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RE: How do you conquer your fears? - 6/9/2011 7:15:35 PM   
lizi


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quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

To be honest, you have posted some of the symptoms of it....




I feel so foolish now that the two of you have brought it up. I read the boards here and see what other say about their experiences with it and it never occured to me that it might be part of what is going on with myself. Wow. Well, I need to look into that.

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RE: How do you conquer your fears? - 6/9/2011 7:28:01 PM   
SexyBossyBBW


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quote:

ORIGINAL: LanceHughes
No one and I mean NO ONE is "allowed" to tell you how to grieve, how long to grieve or any thing else regarding your grieving process.

Who the FUCK told you Saturday was the day you'd be ready to get back on the bike?  STOP beating yourself up!!!  That is simply not allowed!!!  STOP beating yourself UP!

And then coming over to the boards trying to get others to help - help beat you up, that is..... sorry.... nope.... that's not allowed either.

Lance says, "Cancel."

If you must say something, say "You know that I had that accident.  Well, I'm just not ready to get 'back in the saddle again.'  Sorry.  I thought about it alot, but I'm just not ready.  Thanks for inviting me.  Please continue to invite me.  I'll say 'Yes' when I can enjoy the ride."
That's a beautiful post Lance.
Lizi, I agree with everything Lance said. M


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RE: How do you conquer your fears? - 6/9/2011 8:07:22 PM   
Hippiekinkster


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quote:

ORIGINAL: SexyBossyBBW

quote:

ORIGINAL: LanceHughes
No one and I mean NO ONE is "allowed" to tell you how to grieve, how long to grieve or any thing else regarding your grieving process.

Who the FUCK told you Saturday was the day you'd be ready to get back on the bike?  STOP beating yourself up!!!  That is simply not allowed!!!  STOP beating yourself UP!

And then coming over to the boards trying to get others to help - help beat you up, that is..... sorry.... nope.... that's not allowed either.

Lance says, "Cancel."

If you must say something, say "You know that I had that accident.  Well, I'm just not ready to get 'back in the saddle again.'  Sorry.  I thought about it alot, but I'm just not ready.  Thanks for inviting me.  Please continue to invite me.  I'll say 'Yes' when I can enjoy the ride."
That's a beautiful post Lance.
Lizi, I agree with everything Lance said. M

Indeed. He's a wise man. His post #14 said it all, I think.

Re:PTSD: I've been suffering that since roughly the age of two and never knew it until four years ago. It manifests itself in different ways, and one doesn't have to have bombs falling on them in a combat zone to get permanently "rattled".

I wouldn't advise this for everybody, but what helped me, once I had the realization/epiphany, were mushrooms and introspection/self-examination. Once I began to understand what happened to me, I could begin to let it go. Personally, I don't think anyone ever completely heals from severe trauma, but it is possible to integrate the trauma.

Anyway, hope you have a wonderful weekend, Lizi, whether you ride or not.

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RE: How do you conquer your fears? - 6/9/2011 8:28:07 PM   
juliaoceania


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From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		I was diagnosed with PTSD, although I sometimes wonder it that diagnosis was accurate. I had a lot of the symptoms of it, and I still have that fucking phobia

And you are right, you do not have to be shellshocked to have it

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RE: How do you conquer your fears? - 6/9/2011 8:57:48 PM   
windchymes


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quote:

ORIGINAL: lizi

I was going way too fast and my hands slipped -it was extremely hot that day and I was sweaty and left off wearing gloves. I went off the trail at a high rate of speed, then got the bike back up on the trail and either hit a rock or the edge of the asphalt coming up and I flipped over the handlebars.




First of all, wow, what a horrible accident! I'm glad you made a full recovery physically.

I quoted what did because it shows that you know what caused the accident, so you can be proactive and not do those things again. Though you can't control the weather, you CAN make sure you wear your gloves this time, and you CAN control your speed, take it slow until you feel more confident.

If it's possible, maybe you could have someone available with a car where you can give yourself an "out" mentally, where you have the option of contacting them by cell phone and have them come pick you up if you don't feel like you can finish the ride? Sometimes just knowing that you can is comforting enough to give you the confidence to at least get started, and then once you're started and seeing that you CAN do it, you might lose the fear, have fun and find your groove or mojo or whatever again.

I think you should at least try and go for it.

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RE: How do you conquer your fears? - 6/9/2011 9:55:55 PM   
lizi


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quote:

ORIGINAL: windchymes


First of all, wow, what a horrible accident! I'm glad you made a full recovery physically.

I quoted what did because it shows that you know what caused the accident, so you can be proactive and not do those things again. Though you can't control the weather, you CAN make sure you wear your gloves this time, and you CAN control your speed, take it slow until you feel more confident.

If it's possible, maybe you could have someone available with a car where you can give yourself an "out" mentally, where you have the option of contacting them by cell phone and have them come pick you up if you don't feel like you can finish the ride? Sometimes just knowing that you can is comforting enough to give you the confidence to at least get started, and then once you're started and seeing that you CAN do it, you might lose the fear, have fun and find your groove or mojo or whatever again.

I think you should at least try and go for it.


Good point, I looked all over the place for my gloves today and couldnt find them. I'll be making a trip to the store before the ride to get some because I won't even attempt making the same mistake twice.

At a formal ride there are SAG vehicles that patrol the routes and offer assistance/rides if needed. There is usually a phone number printed on the route sheets that you can call one with as well. Knowing they'd be out there has been a comfort to me and was one reason that I think perhaps doing a formal ride is the way to go because there is this type of support should I desire it as well as the fact there are usually some medical personnel around too.

I AM going to go and try for it. If I don't get out on the course it's ok. At least I got there and was up to the edge - maybe next time I'll get over the line.

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RE: How do you conquer your fears? - 6/9/2011 11:58:44 PM   
Hillwilliam


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Status: offline 		I look forward to hearing what happened when it's all over and done. Good luck.

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RE: How do you conquer your fears? - 6/10/2011 12:12:43 AM   
LinnaeaBorealis


Posts: 8595
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From: Insanity & beyond
Status: offline 		My first thought when I read your OP, lizi, is that you do have PTSD, a perfectly normal response to what happened to you. Some people can work through that on their own, some people stay in it for the rest of their lives.

My own experience was riding my motorcycle one day & having a little old lady in a big Oldsmobile make a left turn right in front of me & when I laid down the bike so I wouldn't go flying over the car, she sort of ran over me. I had 8 fractures, from my ankle to my neck, a lot of soft -tissue damage & it took me 2 years to rehab physically. But the PTSD just kept getting worse until 5 years after the accident I realized that I needed help dealing with it. It wasn't going to go away no matter what I did & I could no longer live my life in such fear. My world had narrowed just so I could avoid the things that caused the panic attacks.

I found a hypnotherapist & the therapy was extremely effective for me. And things still scare me, because I still have a brain & the intelligence to be frightened of things that can hurt me. But now I am more able to face them & walk through them.

I love your plan that you have worked out for yourself regarding this bike ride. I think that the fact that you are giving yourself permission to opt out of it if you aren't ready for it is important; & going to see if you are ready for it is amazing!!

I wish you well & I do hope that you are able to get help with the PTSD.

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RE: How do you conquer your fears? - 6/10/2011 3:19:29 AM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
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Status: offline 		Dear Lizi -
There are two schools of thought (generally) on this topic.  One suggests that we deal with issues of fear by flooding ourselves - jump in 100%, face it, conquer it, do it all at once.  For some people, it works well.  For others, it can be traumatizing.  The other way is to gradually take steps to get there.  That means... you dress like you are going for a bike ride.  The next day you go look at the bike.  The next day you go look at the bike and touch the handlebars.  The next day, touch the handlebars and press on the brake.... You see where I'm going with this?  For some folks this works really well, but for others they give up because they don't see progress quickly enough (for them). 

I'm happy to talk with you if you'd like, feel free to drop me a line on the other side.

best,
sunshine


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