Why get out to the community?

Why get out to the community? (Full Version)

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LadyPact -> Why get out to the community? (6/11/2011 2:00:23 AM)
I almost feel that this original has more disclaimers associated with it than discussion topic. I'll be putting those up in italics as I go along. Let Me begin with I have no dog in this hunt. There's no vested interest on My part on what other people do. If a person searches for a D, s, third, a play partner, a fuck buddy, or anything else that they are 'seeking' on the net, it doesn't impact Me in the slightest. Believe it or not (shuddup) I'm creating this post in hopes that it will help other people. I did consider putting this in the Mistress section. Being a female Dominant, My interest on this subject sparked from that perspective. My research is sketchy at best. I'll explain this one as I go along. Now I can get to the actual topic, which is based on a variety of topics. Why don't women answer mail? Why is it so hard for people to find what they are looking for? Why are they called "unicorns"? Why are there so many pros on the site? Basically, the common rants that everybody is used to around here. My position about this is that it's always been about the numbers. BDSM is not a 1:1 ratio between the genders. Not between the sides of the kneel. It's not even close to the rest of the planet. There has always been an imbalance in the kink world. Nobody knows exactly what those numbers and ratios really are because there's no way to track them. Being curious about this, I went for the only potential research possibility that was available. That being, new users who sign up to the site. At random (basically when I felt like it) I changed My criteria on My home page to check out some numbers. Even I, who has been talking about the imbalance of numbers for years, was surprised at the result. Criteria male submissive, any age, any race, any sexual orientation, with USA as a country consistently brings roughly a hundred new members to this site in a twenty-four hour period. (Before anybody complains that I'm not factoring for 'gay', I'm roughly balancing that out with the fact that I'm not adding the 'slave' category to that number. I'm also not adding in those who have TV/TG checked.) In those same twenty-four hour periods, the average number of Dominant women who joined the site in the same day was roughly ten. Without starting a bunch of crap about scammers, who is 'real and true' or not, etc, the number was really more like eight. Since I wasn't willing on each of these occasions to read through the hundred males profiles to see who was just here fantasizing, etc, we'll leave it at a ratio of 10:1. (I didn't figure in poly in all of this. Did no additional research for switches. Too much work.) Now, even if this were fairytale land where every woman who was 'seeking' found a partner, think about the bad side of that math for a second. Those ten women find their ten male submissives and ninety are left over. That means the next day, it's 190 male submissives trying to be selected by the next day's ten Dominant women. Over time, the ratio just gets worse and worse. It absolutely sucks from the male submissive perspective. Male Dominants/female submissives the numbers are a better picture. Not great, but not even half as bad. The best ratio day you had was roughly 4:3, which was a real spike compared to the other days I looked. Generally, it was more like 5:3 and that's not accounting for all of the 'fake' profiles that I've heard you complain about over the years. Start thinking about roll over and I'm going to tell you straight out that I'm glad that I'm not in your shoes. Poly folks looking for a bi-sexual submissive female willing to join a couple? Ha! Wasn't touching it. Too much work. Sorry. The point of this long winded thing is that I have never seen numbers this bad when attending munch groups. No, it's not 1:1, but it sure as hell isn't as bad as 10:1 (and worse as time goes on). Male Doms, it's not as bad, but it's the same principle. If you really want to find what you're looking for, you might want to think about improving your odds by adding other venues than just the net.

VaguelyCurious -> RE: Why get out to the community? (6/11/2011 4:55:42 AM)
I have to agree (apart from one catastrophically weird edition of the London U35 when there was never more than 4 women in the room at any one time, but that's the exception that proves the rule). From what I've seen, gender ratios at my local munches have been pretty even.

LillyBoPeep -> RE: Why get out to the community? (6/11/2011 5:10:26 AM)
locally, there are bajillions of single submissives and not many single Dominants of either gender. online, it seems to be the other way around. somewhere in the middle is reality. =p if someone is just trying the net, they should definitely get out to in-person events, but in-person events aren't always going to have what you're looking for, either.

GreedyTop -> RE: Why get out to the community? (6/11/2011 5:16:54 AM)
in person events allow for more valid networking than I think is likely to happen online... I could be wrong... edited for phrasing

LillyBoPeep -> RE: Why get out to the community? (6/11/2011 5:19:28 AM)
(unless who you want to network with isn't there =p)

GreedyTop -> RE: Why get out to the community? (6/11/2011 5:20:43 AM)
well, there is that.. but getting out and meeting folks DOES open the door to more networking opportunities, IMO.

Whiplashsmile4 -> RE: Why get out to the community? (6/11/2011 5:36:34 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: GreedyTop well, there is that.. but getting out and meeting folks DOES open the door to more networking opportunities, IMO. That or networking with your vanilla friends, asking them if they know about anybody Kinky they could hook you up with! LOL But seriously, I think you're right it's all about Opening Doors...and that involves networking.

littlewonder -> RE: Why get out to the community? (6/11/2011 6:09:55 AM)
I never looked at real life venues for hookups and dates. I never felt a need for the community to be honest. Then again I have never looked for "Doms" but dominant personality men....never mattered to me if he was into bdsm or not as long as he was a powerful, dominant personality type of man. I guess if you're seeking some kind of specific fetish or kink then yeah, the real life stuff might be better for you but for me it never worked and I never has an interest.

BonesFromAsh -> RE: Why get out to the community? (6/11/2011 6:21:26 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact If you really want to find what you're looking for, you might want to think about improving your odds by adding other venues than just the net. Agreed...100% I've been attending demos/groups and networking..."making friends" in old school terms...within my local kink community. I may not find a partner because of it, but I sure am having a great time learning and getting to know folks....kind of like CM.

DarkSteven -> RE: Why get out to the community? (6/11/2011 7:07:28 AM)
LadyPact, thanks for your work here. I might point out an additional factor - the community serves as a screening mechanism. There are people, both male and female, who will not dare show their face in the local community because they have burned others badly. Asking to meet people at an event screens 'em out.

BonesFromAsh -> RE: Why get out to the community? (6/11/2011 7:15:43 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DarkSteven Asking to meet people at an event screens 'em out. Or scares them off [;)] (note to self...asking a man to meet you for the first time at a demo for sounds may not be a good idea as it's not for the faint of heart.)

GreedyTop -> RE: Why get out to the community? (6/11/2011 7:27:56 AM)
explain he doesnt HAVE to be the demo doll!

OttersSwim -> RE: Why get out to the community? (6/11/2011 7:44:55 AM)
Not the mention the fact that getting out to your local community gives one the opportunity to make friends in the lifestlye, become part of a social circle and thereby build and create a more "kinky life". For instance, my Lady and I went down to Denver last night to have dinner with a Gorean Master and his two slaves - something that you might think would -never- happen based on what might be perceived as a wide gap in philosophy and kink...and yet, it works just great! They are wonderful people, intelligent and interesting. They appreciate us and enjoy observing our path as much as we do them and theirs. An expanded hunting ground for the single, the opportunity to make friends, the experience of seeing other choices and paths...no beating getting out into your local scene and creating connections. [:)]

KnightofMists -> RE: Why get out to the community? (6/11/2011 8:19:11 AM)
The numbers in the community events don't seem to be even close to the numbers in the online community. But that is not all that surprizing. The largest percentage of those that attend the events are partnered up before they go. Yes there are singles but the partnered up relationships are the majority. I see the online community not unlike the bar scene. The large percentages are the singles in the bar scene and when you look at the online community... I see the largest percentage are singles trying to find someone to connect with. yes there are partnered people on the online event.... but for the most part.... all the people are looking for someone... couples looking for a third... be it a play partner or something serious. Lots of singles all over the place... there is actually very few content closed relationships that spend alot of time in the online venue. Singles go to the bar... if you kinky and single... the best place seems to be online where all the other singles are. Yes you can go out to the community... but the numbers are small in comparison. We are looking for something rather specific... and if you are in some small community then you are looking at a very small pond. If I look at my old edmonton community the number of active regular members is not alot more than a few hundred people. Alot of them are partnered... and there is a good number of singles... but wit so few numbers the odds are against them to find a compatiable partner. I think going on line actually hedges the odds in ones favor to find a partner. But... I don't think staying with the online only is the right way to go either. Being out in the community even though the odds are not so good to find that compatiable partner actually helps you in the online world as well. Being out in your community gives you a sense of Authenticity in the online world that you don't generally get if your only contact with the kinky world is on line. I know for myself... I see alot of people in the online world and when they talk about their interactions with their given communities... it influences the way I look at them and generally in a positive way. I will say... it really sucks when you looking for someone to connect with.... I think our individual tastes makes the odds against us right from the beginning. I am glad I am not chasing or looking.... but I haven't shut my door either. I admit that if the right person came along... we would be more than happy to bring the person into our life. We throw our hook into the pond... but we are lazy fishermen these days compared to my days prior to Kyra. But... nothing like a nibble on the hook to get one's attention!

GreedyTop -> RE: Why get out to the community? (6/11/2011 8:23:40 AM)
warmest regards to Knight and the Ladies

Rochsub2009 -> RE: Why get out to the community? (6/11/2011 9:02:03 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: KnightofMists The numbers in the community events don't seem to be even close to the numbers in the online community. But that is not all that surprizing. The largest percentage of those that attend the events are partnered up before they go. Yes there are singles but the partnered up relationships are the majority. I see the online community not unlike the bar scene. The large percentages are the singles in the bar scene and when you look at the online community... I see the largest percentage are singles trying to find someone to connect with. yes there are partnered people on the online event.... but for the most part.... all the people are looking for someone... I agree completely with this sentiment, KOM. However, there is one point that you forgot to add. While there are more single people to choose from on-line, there is a downside to that that somewhat cancels out the advantage; 99% of the available singles are going to live in another city/state/country. So while they're available, are they REALLY available? To me, the built in advantage of participating in the local community is that it IS LOCAL. That's huge to me. There is nothing more frustrating than meeting someone great on-line, but realizing that the distance makes a relationship highly impractical. I do realize that some people don't mind long-distance relationships. I'm not one of those people. To me, a "relationship" involves actual physical contact on a regular basis. Cam sessions and phone sex don't constitute a relationship to me. But I know that there are many who disagree with that premise. The bottom line is that on-line does increase the number of potential partners. However, when you eliminate those who are not within a reasonable proximity, the numbers are usually LESS than what is available in the local community.

juliaoceania -> RE: Why get out to the community? (6/11/2011 9:17:52 AM)
I went to a real life munch when I was in Long Beach. The male dominants were all taken, and everyone else was a switch or a sub. None of them, even the taken male doms, were anyone I would have had anything in common with other than kink. My quandary is that I rarely meet men in the real world I find appealing on an intellectual level, and when you throw in the kink and physical aspects, it becomes even harder. Personally, I decided to prioritize... Intellect and ethics is my number one "must have", followed by physical attractiveness... it would be nice to find a dominant man that had the rest of it going on, but it isn't a deal breaker for me. I am getting to the point in my life I would like my next relationship to be my last. I am looking for someone to grow old with, and dating and having fun until that happens

KnightofMists -> RE: Why get out to the community? (6/11/2011 9:28:24 AM)
quote: The bottom line is that on-line does increase the number of potential partners. However, when you eliminate those who are not within a reasonable proximity, the numbers are usually LESS than what is available in the local community. reasonable proximity is a subjective answer. Kyra move from another country and over 2500 miles! for us.. it was reasonable! for us... others not so much. But.... I will take compatibility for a partner 2500 plus miles away before an uncompatiable partner on my door step. And actually to the disappointment of a girl that lives in my community... I did just that! If someone wants to limit the opportunities of finding a compatible parter because of they will only fish in their back yard pond... so be it... but don't whine about either when the world is an ocean to fish in.

Rochsub2009 -> RE: Why get out to the community? (6/11/2011 9:40:47 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: KnightofMists reasonable proximity is a subjective answer. Kyra move from another country and over 2500 miles! for us.. it was reasonable! for us... others not so much. Exactly! Everyone is going to have their own definition of what's "too far". For me, 2500 miles would have been too far. But it obviously worked for you. I have a friend who lives in Ohio, and she is the collared slave of a master who lives in Germany. They've been together for over 5 years, and they have never actually met in person. Yet they both seem to be happy with their arrangement. For me, this would never have worked. But for them, it obviously does. As they say, "YMMV".

DesFIP -> RE: Why get out to the community? (6/11/2011 9:41:06 AM)
The other reason men should not just do online is that online, men tend to focus on kink, not on making friends. If you meet someone in real life, you're much less likely to say something blatantly sexual and kink focused. Their manners are better, especially if it's a venue without alcohol. And women don't want to get tied, beaten and fucked by people they don't know nor like usually. Even when single, I didn't go to bars because I don't like the way people behave when drunk. And online they tend to behave just like that. With that said, the nearest munch to me is over an hour and gets less than a dozen people. The nearest bigger community is two hours. Since driving home two hours in the dark isn't my idea of a fun night, I met The Man online. He was the first man who was polite and who asked about other than sex stuff. In other words, it was like going into a bar where I'm drinking coke and meeting the only other teetotaler. We were damned lucky.

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