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LadyPact -> RE: Why get out to the community? (9/7/2011 7:48:43 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: AAkasha
I don't think people need to get involved in their local kinky community to find partners. I would consider my overall experience with BDSM munches to be poor, but my experiences with private parties in a small, limited social circle were much more positive.
There are a host of reasons I personally didn't find munches or large public gatherings to be attractive - I didn't feel I could relate to most people, and I observed too much lack of tact, lack of hygiene and uncomfortable social situations. I have been to a lot of random social gatherings with various "groups" and I don't think it's just a group dynamic, it's something specific to people who share a sexual deviance as the common theme, and then all come together. Something about that made men act and behave (verbally and non verbally), to me and other women, in a method that lacked class. There's too much staring, too much inappropriate advances, too much lack of social grace, and too much cattiness with the women.
More to the point, I think that I don't feel comfortable in situations that are set up so that I - and other women - are objectified and pursued. I don't like the attention of "getting hit on" or getting stared at to be flattering or fun. I know some women LOVE the attention of others, and dominant women may bask in this. Personally, I prefer to be the one pursuing, and find it awkward to have to shun the advances of men contiually, especially men who don't know me from adam. As a dominant women in social and social-sexual dynamics, I find situations where men are embarrassing themselves to be a standout to be uncomfortable for all involved. And mind you I am not saying "Oh I am a stunning beauty and I enter the room and all men flock to me and hit on me" - I am saying the men hit on ALL the women, or stared, or at least tried to make a play for more access, no matter WHO. Female? femdom? Well the guy is going to give it a shot. It's the real life version of spam email. There's nothing flattering about it. It's just varying degrees of awkward, from guys making poor double-meaning jokes and thinking it's flirting to just blatant come ons or just the meek stuff and thinking it's "cute." It's every bad high school dating situation replayed but with adults. Since this is status quo, anyone who finds that stuff lame just won't go back.
I found fetish "clubs" (dance clubs) more tolerable as there was something else to do (dance), aside from just conversations that always ended up awkward or political. I found that men talked to me, and other women, in a way too familiar way, or postured submissive, just because the dynamic seemed to 'allow' it, even if it wasn't a "play party." Despite the fact that a munch was set up as a 'non play' space, sub men still postured sub, you could still tell who was sub, and there was way too much effort to use inside jokes and one-up every else's inside jokes or prove you were "in the know." These kinds of games I found lame and trivial. I would much rather spend time with men who were not treating me in a different way because after they asked or said, "Oh of course I could tell you were femdom," or, worse, "wow, femdom, I would not have guessed, you seem so normal..."
I think a lot of people go to BDSM munches one time, or two at the most. I think a lot of the dominant women are not comfortable, like me, with the way men treated them (trust me, if they didn't make the inappropriate advance at the munch, they would ask for the number or email, and then what? it still boils down to having to say no, no, no and no - as a femdom, I will make the move, trust me). And worse, I think the real attractive factor for women like me -- strong, submissive men who behave like normal guys and are laid back and just relaxed - they observe how other men behave and by default do NOT want to be lumped in with them. That's the problem. They realize that if a woman comes by that they are interested in, they have to be grouped up with men that are an embarrassment to submissives and they don't want guilt by association. So they don't go.
Akasha
And, how did you meet the people to go to those small private parties? Did you do that only via the internet?
Most of the private parties that I've attended over the years have been because I've known the people in person. This is because most people inviting someone into their home for that party want to know that they can trust that person to be in their home, especially if anything kinky is going to happen there. Now, I'll be the first to admit that I don't always have to go through that step because I've been doing this since longer than just yesterday and I've got a a reputation that's been built up over the years.
Most people, especially males, who are just starting out just plain aren't getting those invites when nobody knows them.
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