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Trusting - 6/13/2011 1:13:35 AM

tazzygirl

Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
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For those who have been at this for a while now, and have been hurt in previous relationships, do you find it hard to trust again?

For those who have managed to find you can trust once again, is it as deep as it was before? Did it come easily or was it hard work, meaning harder than before? Do you still hold back a part of yourself?

This is the ledge I am stuck on 2 years in. No right or wrong answers. Just curious to know if I am an oddity at this point.

And, please, don't make this about the man. I am the one holding me back. He is wonderful.

< Message edited by tazzygirl -- 6/13/2011 1:14:11 AM >

_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

Post #: 1

RE: Trusting - 6/13/2011 1:28:53 AM

EZlikeSunMoanin

Posts: 6
Joined: 9/2/2010
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Sure it's hard to trust again. That's the risk, once you've been burned, but you know what they say, the two worst words on your lips at the time of your death is "what if".

(in reply to tazzygirl)

Post #: 2

RE: Trusting - 6/13/2011 1:38:56 AM

SpiritedRadiance

Posts: 1341
Joined: 3/3/2010
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I find it very hard to trust people who i get involved with because ive had a pretty bad past.

the only thing that seems to help is being honest with the person im with... Do as you say and say as you do, is something i tell everyone im with. if you dont im not going to be able to trust you, IE dont say you will call at 7 if you cant.

For the most part if your simply honest with whats going on thats all thats necessary.

_____________________________

"Theres nothing in life like the feeling of cool leather sliding over your skin, the tears that fill your eyes as you realize someone else thinks you deserve it even if you havent reached that conclusion yet"- Forever to remember 11/5/11

(in reply to EZlikeSunMoanin)

Post #: 3

RE: Trusting - 6/13/2011 8:18:05 AM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
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Sigh...I wish I had the answer for you. I struggle with this myself. Whenever there is trouble in my current relationship my immediate reaction is to leave the relationship. I *think* it was because my ex left me and I'm trying to get there first this time so it won't hurt so badly being the one left behind. I struggle with this mightily and most of the time my man doesn't even know it. I have a great relationship right now, it has a lot of future promise. I find it hard to concentrate on that when things are rocky for whatever large or small reason.

What I try to do when I want to run is to put a hold on my feelings and get myself to just sit on things for a while. I try to deal with the problem and put my immediate reaction to throw him out of my life aside. I know I want to run mostly because of my baggage and I try to take just that part and put it aside because with the passing of a little bit of time it becomes less powerful.

(in reply to tazzygirl)

Post #: 4

RE: Trusting - 6/13/2011 10:27:58 AM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
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it took me a long time to find someone i could trust but with Master it's been extremely easy. I rarely give it a second thought. I think when you find the right person things just fall into place

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to lizi)

Post #: 5

RE: Trusting - 6/13/2011 10:34:40 AM

NuevaVida

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Joined: 8/5/2008
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It was absolutely hard to trust again. But I decided two things:

1. I was determined to not become a bitter and untrusting person. I knew in order to achieve this, I had to risk being hurt again. And I found, actually, the fear of being hurt caused me more suffering than actually being hurt did.

2. I realized I needed to trust myself, first. If I trusted myself, then I could trust the choices I made about where I was placing myself.

Still, I was skeptical at first, and because of that, we took things very slowly. That allowed the relationship to evolve as it needed to, and gave me time and space to see and understand this was a man worth trusting.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to tazzygirl)

Post #: 6

RE: Trusting - 6/13/2011 11:53:20 AM

ranja

Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline

i lost my trust in people at 9 years old when my parents divorced...
now i am nearly 45 and i still have no intention to ever trust another person like i trusted them before they split
some people are nice... some people are so nice that i love them, i will never trust like a child again though, as all people are flawed

that is not to say i am jealous or paranoid, i am not, just realistic

(in reply to tazzygirl)

Post #: 7

RE: Trusting - 6/13/2011 3:41:11 PM

Hisprettybaby

Posts: 781
Joined: 4/13/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline

~FR~
I've been burned many times, and each time was an online relationship. Then I had one realtime Daddy that I trusted and loved totally and absolutely. He was killed and it was an incredible loss. Then I had more online relationships.....burned bad again with every one of them. Now I've met a realtime Daddy again and I'm in a relationship with him. I love him and trust him totally and completely. If anything ever happens to Daddy, I know I will NEVER EVER get involved in an online relationship again because I've been burned in every one of them. That's just my experience though.

~Hisprettybaby~

(in reply to NuevaVida)

Post #: 8

RE: Trusting - 6/13/2011 3:45:51 PM

LillyBoPeep

Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
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i have some difficulty trusting because i'm afraid to be hurt. =p while i'm finally seriously getting back on the horse after my previous M's death, i'm also afraid that something like that will happen again if i get really attached to someone else. =p
but i've also had some trust issues my entire life; i've just always been a little standoffish around people i don't know (if you knew me in person, you'd probably be surprised by how LITTLE i actually talk vs. how much i sometimes post =p), people have done some silly, silly stuff to me throughout the years and while i don't dwell on it, i've just developed a tendency to hold back a bit until it REALLY seems like a person is good. =p
my last relationship was odd because trust came immediately. it actually scared me because that had never happened before. but i'm trying not to dwell on that and remember that every scenario is new and different and the future always holds new possibilities.

_____________________________

Midwestern Girl

"Obey your Master." Metallica

(in reply to Hisprettybaby)

Post #: 9

RE: Trusting - 6/13/2011 5:02:17 PM

aromanholiday

Posts: 307
Joined: 4/12/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: tazzygirl

For those who have been at this for a while now, and have been hurt in previous relationships, do you find it hard to trust again?

Yes, I've been hurt in a previous relationship, and yeah, it made it a bit hard to trust again but only about the specific areas in which I was hurt.

quote:

Did it come easily or was it hard work, meaning harder than before? Do you still hold back a part of yourself?

For me, the trust came easily, there was no work, because I could clearly see how very different the new person was from the old person. If that hadn't been so clear maybe I would have had more trouble. And no, I held nothing back.

quote:

This is the ledge I am stuck on 2 years in. No right or wrong answers. Just curious to know if I am an oddity at this point.

This just sounds to me like you were hurt very badly. I've experienced other kinds of hurt/loss that took me three times as long to recover from, so I think you're well within normal limits at two years. I bet it will start to ease off soon. I say this because I've noticed this before with other people: unless the hurt was truly horrific, the third year is usually the charm, the turning point.

_____________________________

"Isn't it odd how we misunderstand the hidden unity of kindness and cruelty?"

My profile is not turned off. It is broken and I am too lazy to make a new one.

(in reply to tazzygirl)

Post #: 10

RE: Trusting - 6/13/2011 5:41:52 PM

Tristan

Posts: 330
Joined: 5/31/2004
Status: offline

For some reason I find it very easy to trust again. It may just be a personality flaw, though. I tend to jump in with both feet with what ever I'm passionate about, and my passions are too many to count. I mostly expect to fail the first few times I try something new, and this is no different with relationships. You occasionally have a partner violate your trust, but that happens with some people. I believe most people are just trying to do their best. Yeah, I know, I am an optimist, and I've taken a beating for it on many occasions. lol.

(in reply to aromanholiday)

Post #: 11

RE: Trusting - 6/13/2011 5:57:18 PM

Kaliko

Posts: 3381
Joined: 9/25/2010
Status: offline

I can't wait to completely throw myself into someone again with total trust. I only hope it can happen again. My experience doing so - the only relationship in which I was 100% open and trusting - was a good one. I felt supported and safe and loved. It didn't end because of any trust issues.

I look forward to feeling that way again. For the right man. Assuming there is another right man.

(in reply to tazzygirl)

Post #: 12

RE: Trusting - 6/13/2011 6:02:28 PM

catize

Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline

It seems wrong to base my trust on past partners behaviors. I keep myself in the present; when his actions and words match, then he is trustworthy.

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to tazzygirl)

Post #: 13

RE: Trusting - 6/13/2011 10:00:05 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

For those who have been at this for a while now, and have been hurt in previous relationships, do you find it hard to trust again?

I was in one relationship in 2005 that ended in a way that I felt was not the best possible way. He didn't break it off, he never ended it, he just quit all contact after more than a year. It was at the same time that I was going through dealing with abandonment issues. Life has a way of giving you the lessons you need, and I got my lesson through him.

I did not think I would find another relationship where I would give as much or as easily as I did to that one. I really believed that it most likely was not going to happen because I was somewhat jaded. At the same time I had this craving to submit that had been awoken within me, and so I sought another dominant, even though I had zero faith that I would find one.... I put an ad out, and Sinergy was the very first email that hit my in box, and his ended up being the very best out of hundreds that came my way. He asked relevant questions about my profile, could converse about topics I cared about, and when we talked on the phone it was instant chemistry. I did not believe this would happen, and it did.

I think all relationships suffer from some sort of trust issue when they go south, and ours was no different, We were together off and on for nearly 5 years. And in that time I had my trust issues challenged again, and it was still about the lessons I needed to learn, such as I can live alone, all on my own, and make it... which I had never done before. I also learned that I am much stronger than I had ever thought before, much stronger than any man I have ever been involved with, and probably stronger than any man I will ever meet. So if I am looking for a man stronger than myself, I probably will not find one. I learned that I can't count on anyone, and that this is really okay. I learned this because even if you find someone you can count on, they can be impacted by illness in ways that you have to be the strong person.

Sinergy was on several medications that made him EXTREMELY hard to live with, and my life was one where I was afraid to leave home in case he needed me, and I was afraid of what I would find when I finally got home. I wondered if he would even be alive when I got home because of the ways in which his meds were interacting... and I wondered if his doctors knew what the fuck they were doing.

In the end I didn't end it, he did, and I am glad of it all this time later. It took me awhile to grieve it. He is not a bad person. I actually love him, and probably will always love him, but there were things that happened that hurt me to my quick and made it hard for me to contemplate going there again. I only asked one person from this forum for advice, and she knows who she is, and while she was helpful... she didn't have my answers.

So, can I trust again? This is what I have found to be true... I may trust again, but it is not really another person I am trusting, it is myself. I am trusting in my ability to take whatever comes. I am trusting that I am okay no matter what someone else decides. I am trusting in my own sense of self, and that I really deep down need no one else to approve of who I am.

So, this may have been a long post, but it is what I have learned about trust, grief, and moving on from these sorts of relationships... I think the process is different with each relationship in some ways, because what we learn is hopefully different, but in many ways it is the same.....

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to tazzygirl)

Post #: 14

RE: Trusting - 6/13/2011 10:05:22 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida

It was absolutely hard to trust again. But I decided two things:

1. I was determined to not become a bitter and untrusting person. I knew in order to achieve this, I had to risk being hurt again. And I found, actually, the fear of being hurt caused me more suffering than actually being hurt did.

2. I realized I needed to trust myself, first. If I trusted myself, then I could trust the choices I made about where I was placing myself.

Still, I was skeptical at first, and because of that, we took things very slowly. That allowed the relationship to evolve as it needed to, and gave me time and space to see and understand this was a man worth trusting.

Yes yes yes yes yes

But I have known how wise you were for a good long while...

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to NuevaVida)

Post #: 15

RE: Trusting - 6/13/2011 10:57:05 PM

NuevaVida

Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

Yes yes yes yes yes

But I have known how wise you were for a good long while...

Thank you, julia. It took me awhile to figure that one out for myself :)

And I loved what you said in your post above this one - particularly about lessons learned, and about trusting that you'll be ok no matter what comes your way. I had to learn that one, too, which made it ok for me to give myself to someone again. I just did it more wisely this time.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 16

RE: Trusting - 6/13/2011 11:08:24 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

trusting that you'll be ok no matter what comes your way.

I think that deep down when people look at what they are distrusting about people and situations, it is simply that they distrust their ability to deal with the fallout.

Think about it this way, it is a lot easier to trust someone with 100 dollars than it is with 1000. The more that is at stake, the harder it is to trust, because what you have to trust is surviving whatever it is. And if you have been hurt really bad by something, it is like a little kid learning what hot is, it makes you a little wary the next time around.

Nice thing is, if you survived it once, you can again, just a little better at hedging your bets the next time. I went for one year with an asshole the first time, and he was followed by a much improved relationship, so the next one will be the charm

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to NuevaVida)

Post #: 17

RE: Trusting - 6/13/2011 11:22:35 PM

tazzygirl

Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline

Not too long julia, thank you, and the rest, for sharing, here and my cmail.

_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 18

RE: Trusting - 6/13/2011 11:29:27 PM

NuevaVida

Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

Nice thing is, if you survived it once, you can again, just a little better at hedging your bets the next time. I went for one year with an asshole the first time, and he was followed by a much improved relationship, so the next one will be the charm

Of this I have no doubt

As for survival, one of the biggest lessons I got out of 2006-2008 (also known as "the dark years") was that I can survive anything (well, except death). Another huge lesson was to love myself enough to make good choices for myself...and to trust those choices. There were a lot of lessons, and, used together, I realized no matter what, everything was going to be OK.

A few years ago I bought a greeting card for myself and framed it (because I'm weird like that). It's just a white square card with black text that says, "Everything will be okay in the end. And if it's not okay, it's not the end."

In retrospect, I'm grateful for the past pains that brought me to where I am now. I was just talking to the Mister the other day about how, without those relationships, I wouldn't have received such great lessons, and my life wouldn't be what it is today. And I'm sure I'll have pains in my future - but whatever comes, I'll gain more lessons, which will move me further forward.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 19

RE: Trusting - 6/13/2011 11:41:20 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

In retrospect, I'm grateful for the past pains that brought me to where I am now. I was just talking to the Mister the other day about how, without those relationships, I wouldn't have received such great lessons, and my life wouldn't be what it is today. And I'm sure I'll have pains in my future - but whatever comes, I'll gain more lessons, which will move me further forward.

It truly is all about the lessons....

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to NuevaVida)

Post #: 20

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