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RE: Trusting - 7/8/2011 12:26:14 PM

zephyroftheNorth

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Taz, trust doesn't - and shouldn't! - come automatically for most people. I know it's frustrating that full trust hasn't happened yet but it will. You've got an awesome Master and the fact that you guys have been together 2 years know is testament to how much you do trust him. Sometimes baby steps can get you further than a sudden leap, give it time and it'll come.

love ya sweetie!

Zeph

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RE: Trusting - 7/8/2011 12:36:33 PM

hejira92

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I love what NV said (I usually do).

This is complicated for me. Like everyone else who has ever dipped a toe into the relationship waters, I have been burned badly. And although I have been with Sir for over 5 years and I often say that I love Him like a 14 year old who has never had her heart broken, I will not marry again. Ever.

I trust Him totally- my heart, mind, body and soul are His. My life has literally been in His hands more times than I can mention. I will be His property for the rest of our lives, but mention marriage and I will start sweating and stammering.

He will be moving in with me in January, and He gave me a year to get used to the idea. I dislike us living apart, but I still vacillate on whether I can handle the commitment of living together.

So, I guess there are still trust issues I have not yet resolved.

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Post #: 42

RE: Trusting - 7/8/2011 2:38:33 PM

leadership527

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quote:

ORIGINAL: zephyroftheNorth
Taz, trust doesn't - and shouldn't! - come automatically for most people. I know it's frustrating that full trust hasn't happened yet but it will. You've got an awesome Master and the fact that you guys have been together 2 years know is testament to how much you do trust him. Sometimes baby steps can get you further than a sudden leap, give it time and it'll come.

Trust should not come automatically for anyone in my opinion. There's another word for blind trust... "faith". If someone wants to have faith in god that's fine by me. But man, having faith in humans is.... well... dangerous on the best of days... suicidal at other times.

Insofar as the timing, I've said this many times. Carol and I were married for more than a decade before I collared her and it STILL took about 3.5 years to really get to the place of surrender. I think in BDSM-land it is popular to say "I trust my master completely". It's popular to do so whether or not it is factual. I have to assume that that sort of thinking makes it really hard to achieve actual progress.

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Post #: 43

RE: Trusting - 7/8/2011 2:44:17 PM

zephyroftheNorth

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quote:

Trust should not come automatically for anyone in my opinion.

That's exactly what I was saying....or are you agreeing, Jeff?

quote:

"I trust my master completely". It's popular to do so whether or not it is factual. I have to assume that that sort of thinking makes it really hard to achieve actual progress

There have been times when I've done exactly that. Unfortunately my trust was misplaced and I ended up getting hurt.

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Post #: 44

RE: Trusting - 7/8/2011 2:52:31 PM

leadership527

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I'm agreeing LOL. Don't you love the difficulties in written communication? But yeah, I wanted to endorse your point.

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RE: Trusting - 7/8/2011 2:58:58 PM

zephyroftheNorth

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quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

I'm agreeing LOL. Don't you love the difficulties in written communication? But yeah, I wanted to endorse your point.

Thanks Jeff. I would blame it on written communication or even my pain meds but that would be lying

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RE: Trusting - 7/8/2011 11:51:42 PM

LafayetteLady

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Ok, I admittedly didn't read this whole thread, so I am only answering your question.

I was so much in my last relationship, it seems the damage may be irreparable. Trust someone else? I'm either not there yet or really haven't met someone who has made me feel as if I want to try.

I still believe this person was my one true soul mate, and we knew each other more than 20 years and were together on and off for about 16 of those years.

But soul mate or not, things were happening (especially toward the end) that I just couldn't ignore, and I finally had to cut all ties. I didn't do it in the best of ways, but I don't regret how I did it either. If I had done it in the "we can eventually be friends" way, things never would have ended and the problems would have continued.

But even while I say my ability to trust was seriously and irreparably damaged, I do still have hope that someday, someone will come along that will allow me to feel I can trust again.

When? Who the hell knows. I remember hearing somewhere that the process of getting over someone is like 1/2 the time the relationship lasted, so I guess I have a good many years left to get over it, lol. But the point is that while my trust was broken (as well as my heart), my hope wasn't broken. For me, I can't start something without feeling that at least in time I will be able to get to that trust point.

I think we all have to move at our own pace, and we get to where we need to be in our own time. There is no "standard" time frame.

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RE: Trusting - 7/9/2011 3:01:11 PM

SlaveKelly4life

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Tazzygirl,

When you've been in a relationship where something negative has occurred and broken the trust you had with an S/O, it can affect you deeply. Such was the case with my first husband. He was very unfaithful and though I initially forgave him, the trust was gone. We divorced some time later, and I was very leery and distrusting of men for awhile after. But I re-evaluated how I perceived men in general and came to realize that not all men are the same, as neither are all women. Everyone is different and should be taken on his or her own merits, or lack thereof.

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RE: Trusting - 7/10/2011 7:32:39 AM

zephyroftheNorth

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Look, after about 4 years away from BDSM, a post made by our own sexy RS has me thinking hmmmmm. I'm scared to death because the last time I was in such a relationship he turned out to be (literally) a sociopath. It's going to take one hell of a man to get me there. Trust issues? HELL yes but it's better than looking back and regretting not doing it. In fact there is already a man here on CM who has peaked my interest. I don't know if anything will come of it, but it shows me that that part of me is still alive. So I'm going to be cautious but I'm not going to ignore it, just take it very slow.

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RE: Trusting - 7/10/2011 7:58:45 AM

akinkyone

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This same type of question was posted in another forum...this was my response:

"I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all."
-Alfred Lord Tennyson

I love Him dearly...He is my best friend.

How can you fully enjoy any experience if you hold back for fear of getting hurt? Consequences be damned...live in the moment.

When the relationship ended...my heart ached. It was part of my life experience and helps mold who I am today...all my life I have tried to pull the good from every experience. Sometimes that proves very difficult. It's not that I don't acknowledge the bad, but I try and let it's influence remain minimal...

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RE: Trusting - 7/10/2011 9:30:37 AM

SimplyMichael

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Trust is, for the most part a learned skill and is wrapped around a number of other life skills. People who tend to choose good partners find giving trust easier because they don't tend to make bad choices. However, those same people don't miss red flags often and while it might seem they trust quickly, the part that isn't seen is how many they never even let get near their inner circle of friends, let alone become a partner.

People who have trust issues tend to make bad choices, ignore red flags, and let idiots and nutjobs into their inner circle too quickly and don't step back from people who other people can spot a mile away as bad choices.

So, how do you deal with this stuff? Self confidence, or lack of it is often at the center of why they make bad choices. Being needy in some ways they crave having someone in their life and are slow to reject people. Another is poor parent relationships or early bonding issues in infancy. Finding a talented therapist who is a good fit for you is a huge help. Doing the hard work to rid yourself of negative self images and build your self confidence is another.

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RE: Trusting - 7/10/2011 10:08:38 AM

zephyroftheNorth

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Great post Michael!

I freely admit that I've repeatedly made bad choices in the past. It's why after my last relationship ended I spent a year dealing with that among other things. I now have tools that will help me make better choices. I don't even see my fear as a bad thing. It'll help me keep a distance in the getting to know you phase and help me not fall for the man so quickly.

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RE: Trusting - 7/11/2011 2:43:06 AM

erieangel

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A few years before she passed, my mother made an observation about me. She said I trust too easily, too quickly and am always thinking that everybody else is going to do the right thing just because it is what I would try to do.

She was right, of course. Which is just one of the character flaws that led me from one bad relationship into another. Another character is that I kept picking aggressive, domineering, angry and often violent men, when what I was looking for was something totally different. And each time I picked the wrong man, he broke the trust I had so readily given him. My husband beat me and cheated on me and then made me believe it was my fault. A fiance beat my son; other boyfriends were just as bad in different ways. I purposefully spent several years alone, getting my own life together, recovering from bipolar disorder so that I can function on a daily basis, raising my kids and analyzing what I want out of life. And only then did I start dating again, but the vanilla world wasn't doing it for me; I was still picking the wrong men. Oddly, my last relationship ended over something he'd said; not what he'd said so much as how he'd said it that showed me to get further involved with him would be a mistake as he was another of the domineering, aggressive types I need to avoid.

Will I trust again? You bet. It is in my nature to do so. It is in my DNA. When my mother had told me I was too trusting, I told her it was because I took after her. Why else would she have been married 4 times?

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RE: Trusting - 7/11/2011 3:37:42 AM

Sunny27

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Heya ok I was in a relationship about 6 years ago now and I fell in love with the guy from the minute I set eyes on him.
I felt we had a great relationship and after 2 and a half month I told him I loved him be said that he was still on his way there but not there yet then 2 week later he broke up with me! I was really upset as I remember before I even went to his house having a dream that I was in the bedroom and he had already asked me to marry him. I remember looking out his window and being so happy as we had also bought a house!
When we broke up it took me a year and 3/4's to meet the guy I've been with now for four years! I couldn't be happier with him. His name is ungoth on Collarme. We are getting engaged next January!
We will have been together then four years!
For me I didn't have a problem with trust as the first time I met Ungoth was at my first Nimhneach and he so sweet and caring I could tell that from how he moved and how he spoke asking me things!
I can understand that for some people trust is a must as I'm also like that!
Unfortunatly I told the guy I was with 6 years ago a few things about my life and then when my b.f. went to him to find out why we werent talking he just asked him and my ex started telling him stuff that I myself would wait normally 3 weeks to tell a guy.
Luckily for me when my ex told him even before we were dating what they were he didn't care and so I knew I was with the perfect guy for me!
There have been a few things I've told him after us dating for like 2 years.
If someone tells me something thats not to be spoken of to anyone else I would then keep it confidential!

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