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ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

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In retrospect, I'm grateful for the past pains that brought me to where I am now.  I was just talking to the Mister the other day about how, without those relationships, I wouldn't have received such great lessons, and my life wouldn't be what it is today.  And I'm sure I'll have pains in my future - but whatever comes, I'll gain more lessons, which will move me further forward.

It truly is all about the lessons....

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Sometimes understanding and forgiveness strengthens a relationship, and sometimes the acts that required understanding and forgiveness are harbingers of what is to come.  I am not wise enough to always tell the difference.  Therefore, when in doubt, I tend to try to understand and forgive.  Yep, this is probably another personality flaw.  lol.

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ORIGINAL: tazzygirl

For those who have been at this for a while now, and have been hurt in previous relationships, do you find it hard to trust again?

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For those who have managed to find you can trust once again, is it as deep as it was before? Did it come easily or was it hard work, meaning harder than before? Do you still hold back a part of yourself?

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This is the ledge I am stuck on 2 years in. No right or wrong answers. Just curious to know if I am an oddity at this point.

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I think that if we deal with the content of our relationships that we are in, whether they survive or not we have improved our relationship skills.

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ORIGINAL: sexyred1

I really respect what NuevaVida and juliaoceania said.

As far trusting again...I guess it depends on what the trust issues were. Did someone cheat once? Did someone lie constantly and always beg for forgiveness and then do it again? Etc.

I think the more you love someone and they have broken your heart and trust, the harder it is to trust again.

I also think that you have to be lucky to connect with a new person who understands you.

Sometimes, the new guy feels you are not going to trust him because of your past. So that is why I try not to discuss the past with new men; why should they know I had my heart broken and trust broken? If it gets serious, I might tell them, it will depend on the situation.

I believe, as Nueva Vida said, the most important lesson is to trust yourself first. That way you will not get into that situation again and ignore the red flags or, if no red flags, stay too long in a situation that resulted in loss of trust.

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As for ignoring red flags, I think it also goes beyond that.  I had to not only look at them, but be honest with myself about them.  It's so easy (at least it was for me) to rationalize a red flag away and make excuses for them, so that you don't see the other person in a lesser light than you want to see them in. 

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ORIGINAL: NuevaVida

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ORIGINAL: sexyred1

I really respect what NuevaVida and juliaoceania said.

As far trusting again...I guess it depends on what the trust issues were. Did someone cheat once? Did someone lie constantly and always beg for forgiveness and then do it again? Etc.

I think the more you love someone and they have broken your heart and trust, the harder it is to trust again.

I also think that you have to be lucky to connect with a new person who understands you.

Sometimes, the new guy feels you are not going to trust him because of your past. So that is why I try not to discuss the past with new men; why should they know I had my heart broken and trust broken? If it gets serious, I might tell them, it will depend on the situation.

I believe, as Nueva Vida said, the most important lesson is to trust yourself first. That way you will not get into that situation again and ignore the red flags or, if no red flags, stay too long in a situation that resulted in loss of trust.

Hi sexyred1,

I wanted to comment on the bolded part.

I agree that the more you love (or the more you invest of yourself) the harder it is to trust after heartbreak.  But I also believe that once some distance is made, between you and the relationship, the more that becomes revealed to you about the relationship, and the greater the lessons.

I also agree with what you said about being with someone who understands you.  Here's the catchy part, though (at least it was for me) - - It was imperative to me to not invest in someone who didn't understand me. It was critically important to me to be myself - to not stifle myself again, to be free to just be who I am - all facets of me (passionate, dork, goofball, sexual, compassionate, happy, deep & intense, scared, strong, weak, clumsy, etc.).  I found this actually took some effort, because it was easier for me to resort to past "safe" behaviors of stifling these things so he wouldn't think less of me.  I had to remind myself (quite a lot at first) that I didn't want to be with someone who would think less of me for being...well...me.  Quite a concept, but one that took me awhile to truly embrace. For me it goes hand in hand with being honest with yourself, and it goes hand in hand with trusting myself to be honest with myself.

As for ignoring red flags, I think it also goes beyond that.  I had to not only look at them, but be honest with myself about them.  It's so easy (at least it was for me) to rationalize a red flag away and make excuses for them, so that you don't see the other person in a lesser light than you want to see them in.  It was my mother who told me to trust myself. When I asked her how could I ever trust again, she responded, "It's not that those men lied to you - you lied to yourself by choosing to believe them, when you knew deep down they were lying."

I have been with the Mister two years now, but let me tell you, I put a lot of effort into staying honest with myself.  If something didn't feel right to me, it was brought up.  I could no longer connect the dots into the picture I wanted to see, but forced myself to see what picture came together on its own, and decide if that was a world I wanted to live in.  I had to look this man in the eye and, even though I was coming to love him and wanted to be with him, tell him, "If XYZ is what you want, this isn't going to work, because I can't compromise myself like that again."  And I had to trust in myself, that I would actually be that honest with myself and with him.

In other words, I had to trust not only in my ability to play an honest and active role in the creation of the relationship, but in my insistence on using that ability.  These were big steps for me - huge steps, actually.  This is why I believe with all my heart that it is absolutely necessary to trust yourself first, before you can truly trust another with your care.

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ORIGINAL: tazzygirl
For those who have been at this for a while now, and have been hurt in previous relationships, do you find it hard to trust again?

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ORIGINAL: tazzygirl

For those who have been at this for a while now, and have been hurt in previous relationships, do you find it hard to trust again?

Haven't been doing this that long; my trust issues came from prior relationships, romantic and otherwise.

For those who have managed to find you can trust once again, is it as deep as it was before?

Not nearly. i'm still working on it, but right now i'm in a kind of selfish "pam doing what's right for pam" phase.

Did it come easily or was it hard work, meaning harder than before?

It's hard work that i'm honestly not prepared to do at the moment.

Do you still hold back a part of yourself?

Yes.