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RE: Coyote Ugly - 6/16/2011 4:32:01 PM   
StrongSpirit


Posts: 575
Joined: 4/10/2005
Status: offline
quote:

The standard methodology which preserves plausible deniability for all parties is to simply reduce the frequency of your communication until the whole thing dies a slow death. Smart men will take the hint. Stupid men aren't worth worrying about.


Wow, I have rarely seen a woman so socially inept who didn't know it. The primary thing is you are not a man and clearly have zero idea what it is like to be a man.

Your "standard methodology" is not standard, for two reasons:

1. It leads the men on. I don't know if you realise it, but there are a slightly more men then women here. So the men that do 'get a bite', tend to focus a lot of energy on it. Energy that they could have devoted to other potential dates. By energy I mean planning, web searches, etc. I know men that have decided not to go out to a vanilla club so they could wait for an email on Collarme.com Basically, you are doing the exact same thing as a guy who takes your phone number at a bar and promises to call, but doesn't.

2. As any psychiatrist can tell you, often intelligence is NOT related to social skills. While Asperger's Syndrome is an extreme case, there are lot of brilliant men that are really bad at reading social cues. Calling them stupid indicates your own ignorance. Moreover, many of them are very much "worth it". The male lead in "Secretary" is a prime fictional example of a slightly socially maladapted, but brilliant Dom.


The fact that you are so socially awkward that you think your behaviour is 'standard' indicates that you yourself are no better than the 'stupid men' that you think are not worth it. The standard method is to actually have the courage to say "Not interested" Anything else is cowardly.

Because of the way relationships work in the USA, many women get away with treating men horribly pre-relationship, while many men get away with treating women horribly during the relationship. That fact that many other women are treating men as badly as you do does not make it "OK", any more than it is "OK" for men to treat their wives badly.

If you think "plausible deniability" is a GOOD thing, then you have major issues. Screw deniability, grown ups can handle rejection and need to know things like "maybe I should change my photo" or "maybe I should lose 30 lbs", or maybe just "I need to change my hair". If you truly had courage you would give direct examples of why you dislike someone.

have been turned down by the best of them. (See my blog entry here describing it:
My Best Rejection) It was fast not slow. Slow is chinese water torture.

-------------------

How to tell if you are being mean:

1. If you are doing something because it is easier for YOU, regardless of how it might or might not hurt someone else, you are being mean.

2. If you think that it is OK to hurt the other person simply because they did not get your social cue or worse was actually stupid, you are being mean. Assume the guy actually was stupid - IQ of say 80. That does not mean it is OK kick him in the balls - literally or figuratively Do you go around throwing things at blind people?

(in reply to Awareness)
Profile   Post #: 61
RE: Coyote Ugly - 6/16/2011 4:55:06 PM   
Iamsemisweet


Posts: 3651
Joined: 4/9/2011
From: The Great Northwest, USA
Status: offline 		I don't know, but I would be pissed as hell if someone continued to communicate with me after they had already decided they were not interested, under the guise of letting me down easy.  My time is far too precious to me.  I have concluded a sort of modified honesty is the best policy is the way to go.  Just ending communication is a little rude, but a simple, direct rejection will do.  I think I would appreciate that myself.

_____________________________

Alice: But I don't want to go among mad people.
The Cat: Oh, you can't help that. We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.
Alice: How do you know I'm mad?
The Cat: You must be. Or you wouldn't have come here.

(in reply to StrongSpirit)
Profile   Post #: 62
RE: Coyote Ugly - 6/16/2011 5:54:15 PM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline 		Strong spirit, that might have been your best post ever. Well said.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to Iamsemisweet)
Profile   Post #: 63
RE: Coyote Ugly - 6/16/2011 6:09:07 PM   
WyldHrt


Posts: 6412
Joined: 6/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

Wow, I have rarely seen a woman so socially inept who didn't know it. The primary thing is you are not a man and clearly have zero idea what it is like to be a man.
Umm... you might want to click the profile...


_____________________________

"MotherFUCKER!" is NOT a safeword!!"- Steel
"We've had complaints about 'orgy noises'. This is not the neighborhood for that kind of thing"- PVE Cop

Resident "Hypnotic Eyes", "Cleavage" and "Toy Whore"
Subby Mafia, VAA Posse & Team Troll!

(in reply to StrongSpirit)
Profile   Post #: 64
RE: Coyote Ugly - 6/16/2011 9:46:10 PM   
LillyBoPeep


Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline 		StrongSpirit -- you do realize that you're quoting Awareness and Awareness is not a woman.
(this is why it's always important to check and recheck your sources, kids.)


_____________________________

Midwestern Girl

"Obey your Master." Metallica


(in reply to WyldHrt)
Profile   Post #: 65
RE: Coyote Ugly - 6/16/2011 10:16:37 PM   
SexyBossyBBW


Posts: 1693
Joined: 2/25/2010
Status: offline 		I prefer honesty, not brutal.

Just say, I didn't feel that certain "je ne sais quoi," or I'm sorry, but I don't think we should meet.
Honesty is easier, than slow let down (mixed missages). M

_____________________________

"..touching was and still is and always will be the True Revolution" Nikki Giovanni
"Only when there are many people who are pools of peace, silence, understanding, will war disappear." -Osho

(in reply to Iamsemisweet)
Profile   Post #: 66
RE: Coyote Ugly - 6/17/2011 12:50:26 AM   
WyldHrt


Posts: 6412
Joined: 6/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

StrongSpirit -- you do realize that you're quoting Awareness and Awareness is not a woman.
That's where I was going with that, yeah.


_____________________________

"MotherFUCKER!" is NOT a safeword!!"- Steel
"We've had complaints about 'orgy noises'. This is not the neighborhood for that kind of thing"- PVE Cop

Resident "Hypnotic Eyes", "Cleavage" and "Toy Whore"
Subby Mafia, VAA Posse & Team Troll!

(in reply to LillyBoPeep)
Profile   Post #: 67
RE: Coyote Ugly - 6/17/2011 7:42:35 AM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		I met my first dom within a week of talking online to him - and if i was 30 years younger, i would have probably run. He wore an attrocious shirt and really ugly glasses. Not an appealing combination, but being older and (right!) more mature, i sat down with him and had a cup of hot chocolate.

We talked about everything under the sun - and i found a real connection, one that lasted until his death five years later. If i had rejected him based on a photo, i would have missed the first man who treated me as a treasure, and taught me about bdsm.

Unless the person was missing a significant part of their anatomy, or was grossly over-/underweight, i met everyone who invited me out for coffee. Photos just don't convey what i needed to know. So ..... coyote ugly is beautiful to someone.

(in reply to WyldHrt)
Profile   Post #: 68
RE: Coyote Ugly - 6/17/2011 9:08:42 PM   
Acer49


Posts: 1434
Joined: 8/7/2009
Status: offline 		give them some closure, say something that will still leave them feeling good about themselves


_____________________________

Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.
Harvey Fierstein

(in reply to Iamsemisweet)
Profile   Post #: 69
RE: Coyote Ugly - 6/18/2011 5:41:04 AM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline 		im with kiwi.  i have never judged a persons looks as the decider for or against a meet up.

clothes, hair cut, expression on photo can sometimes clinch a 'no way' but thats only because i can tell theyre not my type. 

but to be honest i wouldnt chat to someone for a time, develop a link, ask for a pic and then on the strength of that pic turn them down.  that is yukky, no way round that and no nice way to do it other than to let them down gently.

i would normally go with 'no thanks' straight off the bat, but the way this has been played i think id be a tad more sensitive and ease the throttle back gently.

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to Acer49)
Profile   Post #: 70
RE: Coyote Ugly - 6/18/2011 7:13:32 AM   
Fetters4U


Posts: 393
Joined: 5/25/2011
Status: offline 		What an interesting conversation. 

So far, my rejections after a photo have all been the same. No reply. I do not know if I was blocked or not since I don’t attempt to continue the conversation. I assume the silence was because the lady needed the time to sell her house and move out of state. I can tell you that this behavior is ill-mannered and rude. It reflects really badly on the lady, making her look far worse than I ever could.  

The best thing to do is reply ASAP and let the other person down as gently as possible. Don't forget that just because you are not interested in them as a soulmate/playmate, does not mean that you cannot be friends.  

I save myself a lot of heartache by posting clearly on my profile what my preferences are. That way folks know in advance and will not be disappointed. Fully half my contacts do not fit my "type" but since I am open to friendship, it does not really matter.

I would also like to point out that there is no correlation between looks and personality. Ted Bundy was really good looking while Santa Clause is a fat guy with a beard.  

Really, the purpose of a photo is simply to determine if you would be willing to meet this person for coffee. The concept that you can tell how you will react to them based on a single badly taken snapshot is ridiculous. At least, a photo is that is not ideal is probably a picture of the actual person. Anyone can download a good looking picture from the web. A lot of people have noticed my photographic resemblance to a mature Kevin Sorbo. (VEG!)  

Sadly, I do not photograph well. I have the northern English build. My chest is very broad. My body-length to leg-length ratio is unusual in the USA which makes me look short and fat in a photo, while I am actually tall and muscular. My long hair and beard make me look bohemian -- a neat appearance is not that important when you live alone. In person however, you get the power of my personality, my wit, intelligence, and the cute English accent. Long hair and a beard can be trimmed in 30 minutes or less, but being stupid and boring lasts forever.  

My advice is that if you have enjoyed the emails, if the photo does not make you scream or puke, and if the distance is not too far, meet them for a coffee. If you don't then you are letting really good prospects walk away.  


< Message edited by Fetters4U -- 6/18/2011 7:32:40 AM >

_____________________________

Male-Dom-Straight

A dame that knows the ropes isn't likely to get tied up. -- Mae West
I like restraint, if it doesn't go too far. -- Mae West

To err is human; to edit, divine...

(in reply to lally2)
Profile   Post #: 71
RE: Coyote Ugly - 6/21/2011 3:49:42 AM   
TheChastiser


Posts: 95
Joined: 10/16/2005
From: Hemel Hempstead
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Iamsemisweet

What is the best way to handle this scenario?  Someone you have been corresponding with sends you a picture of themselves, and you decide they are not what your are looking for physically.  Call me shallow, but I am not attracted to obese or unkempt, for example We want what we want, right?  In any case, is it best to send a polite "no thank you, but you seem like a really nice person", or just not contact them again and block their incoming emails? 
I have been on both sides of this scenario, and it is very awkward.  I know which I prefer when I send a picture and the other person isn't interested, but how do other people handle it?  



i generally send a message along the lines of, I am not what you are looking for. if they are persistant, i then explain that they are too fat/old/wrong gender etc. say it straight but be polite.

Mike

_____________________________



Let Me unchain your mind and your sexuality will follow.


(in reply to Iamsemisweet)
Profile   Post #: 72
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