Useful Contracts

Useful Contracts (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion

Message

VaguelyCurious -> Useful Contracts (6/14/2011 12:03:44 PM)
That's right: useful ones. Not 'This piece of paper legally entitles me to ALL OF YOUR MONEY FOR EVER EVER EVERMORE and you have NO WAY OUT AT ALL' contracts, or 'I agree to always touch my nose to the floor whenever you say the words 'blue cheese', and if I don't then you can BREAK BOTH MY ARMS' contracts. We hear a lot about those. (I think you can guess my opinion of them from the tone of my parody, innit.) But sometimes they come in handy. For instance, CreepyStalker and I have been planning a head-shaving scene for some time (by which I mean 'for longer than we've been together'). There were going to be multiple other people involved and it was going to be in a public dungeon. She wanted to do it without a safeword. In that situation a specific, temporary contract seemed like a good idea. Not in any binding sense of the word, but so I could show it to the other people involved (particularly the big guy who was going to be holding her down) and to the DM without putting her under any pressure to explain herself. --- So we sat down together with a cup of tea and hashed out the following points (which she then signed): - we'd talked at length about whether or not she wanted to shave her head. - she was comfortable rescinding her safeword for the session. - this wasn't explicitly going to be a forced scene, she was comfortable being forced to continue if she tried to back out, because she knew she'd regret not going through with it. And also, because she was going to bring cake and because I have priorities: - she promised to give VC the cupcake with the most icing and the prettiest sparkles. --- As it happened, we didn't need it - our friends were all happy to take my word that she'd consented and the DM seemed not to care in the slightest (which was actually kind of worrying - I mean, I know I'm responsible but she doesn't - she'd never met me before.) So the contract stayed in my rucksack and a good time was had by all! [:D] But it still felt like a good thing to do - it clarified what was happening in both our heads, and I'm sure it would have come in handy if we'd had a more...conscientious DM, let's say. --- I just feel like contracts get a bad rap, when they can actually be quite a handy resource sometimes. It's definitely something I'd do again if I was organising a multiple person consensual non-consent scene. So, questions: Is there any way you feel we could have made that contract clearer/better? Anything you think is missing, for the purposes of a single public scene with multiple participants? Does anybody have any other examples of useful contracts - something which you feel has really enhanced your interactions, whether that's on a single-scene level or a whole relationship level? (Also, this is not a question but Yay! I shaved CreepyStalker's head! She's extremely beautiful! We've got pictures and everything! [:D][:D][:D]) ([8D])

NocturnalStalker -> RE: Useful Contracts (6/14/2011 12:20:12 PM)
Rivetting tale, lad.

LadyPact -> RE: Useful Contracts (6/14/2011 12:21:53 PM)
I think you did just fine with your contract. I might have included a mention of the folks specifically who were also going to be involved, the guy who was going to hold her down had she bolted, etc, but I tend to do these things to excess. By the way, don't be so sure that your DM wasn't be conscientious because she didn't know you. Without you ever knowing it, she probably asked other members of the staff about you after you had walked off. Part of being a good DM is being a good ambassador when people come to the club for fun. They aren't going to immediately shut down your idea and then find out later that other members of the staff know you and it would have been just fine. [;)]

VaguelyCurious -> RE: Useful Contracts (6/14/2011 12:31:56 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact I think you did just fine with your contract. I might have included a mention of the folks specifically who were also going to be involved, the guy who was going to hold her down had she bolted, etc, but I tend to do these things to excess. I don't think you're thinking to excess at all - it's a good point. So next time I could be more specific about who was doing what to make sure she continued. Thank you. [:)] quote: By the way, don't be so sure that your DM wasn't be conscientious because she didn't know you. Without you ever knowing it, she probably asked other members of the staff about you after you had walked off. Part of being a good DM is being a good ambassador when people come to the club for fun. They aren't going to immediately shut down your idea and then find out later that other members of the staff know you and it would have been just fine. [;)] Which would be all well and good, but I've been to that venue a grand total of three times before (and I think CS had been once, maybe twice), during which I hadn't had a single face-to-face conversation with a DM. I haven't been a regular, and I don't think I'm a familiar face to any of those guys. Plus, with the exception of one big scene somewhere else with MrC many months ago, the things I do in public are basically topping for fun - nothing heavy. I don't think I would have trusted me to do this scene if I were them without at least having a quick chat with CS first.

peachgirl -> RE: Useful Contracts (6/14/2011 1:04:44 PM)
When we entered an M/s relationship (a little more than four years ago) the Man put together a list of "expectations". It wasn't called a contract, it was called expectations. It gave me insight into the kind of relationship he wanted to cultivate with me. It's not about kneeling at the door or being wet all the time, it's about honesty, transparency and treating each other with respect for our needs and desires. You might say, how the heck is that useful? To me, it set the tone for our relationship, what I could always expect from him and vice versa. Not really a big deal, but just something I can look back on every now and then and know, this is something that worked for me and us.

LafayetteLady -> RE: Useful Contracts (6/14/2011 1:26:53 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: peachgirl When we entered an M/s relationship (a little more than four years ago) the Man put together a list of "expectations". It wasn't called a contract, it was called expectations. It gave me insight into the kind of relationship he wanted to cultivate with me. It's not about kneeling at the door or being wet all the time, it's about honesty, transparency and treating each other with respect for our needs and desires. You might say, how the heck is that useful? To me, it set the tone for our relationship, what I could always expect from him and vice versa. Not really a big deal, but just something I can look back on every now and then and know, this is something that worked for me and us. I think the big issue is the word itself. "Contract" implies something legal, something that can be enforced through something other than just the parties agreeing. That's why I highlighted what I did above. I think using a different term for what is being done can make all the difference in the world. When you think about it, we all have a "list of expectations" for just about everything. A simple vanilla couple who has been dating for a while may plan a romantic getaway for their first time being intimate. There are expectations of what will happen. They may not get written down, but they exist. Even when accepting many job offers, there is no employment contract, you are employed "at will," but both you and the employer have expectations of what will occur during your employment. The difference with BDSM relationships is that people tend to be more willing and wanting to put that list into actual words when they get together. In my opinion, I think that is a good thing. Imagine how much easier most of our relationships and things would be if the people involved sat down and said, "let's make a list of what we all expect from this." Seems like everything we do would be much clearer, doesn't it? I don't play casually, so I certainly can't speak from experience, but even for the casual players, it seems only logical to sit down and discuss what each is hoping to get from the experience. It's a good way to actually give some thought to what you might be doing and how far you are willing to go. As for the OP, when are we going to see the pics? [;)]

LadyConstanze -> RE: Useful Contracts (6/14/2011 2:05:45 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious (Also, this is not a question but Yay! I shaved CreepyStalker's head! She's extremely beautiful! We've got pictures and everything! [:D][:D][:D]) ([8D]) Considering her avatar, I'd say a waxing would be more in order [:@]

MrHCurious -> RE: Useful Contracts (6/14/2011 2:09:27 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze quote: ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious (Also, this is not a question but Yay! I shaved CreepyStalker's head! She's extremely beautiful! We've got pictures and everything! [:D][:D][:D]) ([8D]) Considering her avatar, I'd say a waxing would be more in order [:@] Considering that she claims to be over seven feet tall and eleven hundred pounds (which is clearly cobblers. She's 950 on a bad day), that's surely the least of her concerns.

VaguelyCurious -> RE: Useful Contracts (6/14/2011 2:15:29 PM)
(The reason Constanze is making that joke, MrC, is that she found Sugar's avatar for her.) LafayetteLady makes a good point - maybe contract is the wrong word. Although list of expectations isn't quite right for my particular situation either (although obviously it is for peachgirl) - maybe a statement of intent? Photos coming when I've made them a bit smaller! [:)]

VaguelyCurious -> RE: Useful Contracts (6/14/2011 2:22:55 PM)
Fingers crossed this works... Everyone attacking her with scissors! [image]local://upfiles/913882/B3B14A3BE4714367B6AD52CD5D155293.jpg[/image]

VaguelyCurious -> RE: Useful Contracts (6/14/2011 2:24:31 PM)
And the start of the shaving... (Most of the other pictures have at least one face in them, including the ones of the finished product, though. :-( ) [image]local://upfiles/913882/B80576666A2B4F4DB4C52001C152FCC4.jpg[/image]

LafayetteLady -> RE: Useful Contracts (6/14/2011 2:45:36 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious (The reason Constanze is making that joke, MrC, is that she found Sugar's avatar for her.) LafayetteLady makes a good point - maybe contract is the wrong word. Although list of expectations isn't quite right for my particular situation either (although obviously it is for peachgirl) - maybe a statement of intent? Photos coming when I've made them a bit smaller! [:)] In your particular situation, "Statement of Intent" does seem to fit a bit better, since it was for a specific thing to occur and how that one thing would play out. The point is that whatever it is called, its only purpose is for everyone to lay all their cards on the table and say, "this." Taking the time to write it up, gives everyone the chance for second thoughts or things they may have forgotten.

LadyNTrainer -> RE: Useful Contracts (6/14/2011 3:28:39 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: peachgirl When we entered an M/s relationship (a little more than four years ago) the Man put together a list of "expectations". It wasn't called a contract, it was called expectations. It gave me insight into the kind of relationship he wanted to cultivate with me. It's not about kneeling at the door or being wet all the time, it's about honesty, transparency and treating each other with respect for our needs and desires. Exactly what I did for mine, actually. It works very well, IMO.

mummyman321 -> RE: Useful Contracts (6/14/2011 4:08:17 PM)
I can see a written document being useful. But for me, If I cannot sit down a talk to you and have a conversation about what we both expect out of the relationship I do not think its going to last. Maybe with age I have learned to ask a lot more questions up front :)

SailingBum -> RE: Useful Contracts (6/14/2011 5:03:19 PM)
My take on a interpersonal for lack of a better word agreement means the 2 or more parties dont trust each other cuz iffin you did there would be no need for a agreement. The OP makes it sound like to borrow 100 bucks from said party you need a agreement with repayment terms late penalty clause ad nausea bull shit. Either I trust you or I dont that simple. Sounds like the OP has some issues BadOne

EclipseAbove -> RE: Useful Contracts (6/14/2011 5:05:50 PM)
All of the good "contracts" I've seen or written were more like a statement of roles and responsibilities than an actual contract. Most clearly defined what the sub/bottom/whatever was agreeing to give up/do and what responsibilities the Dom/top/whatever was undertaking in exchange. I think the process of trying to write a good "contract" is far more valuable than the document itself. The discussions you have to have with everyone involved are the real gems.

peachgirl -> RE: Useful Contracts (6/14/2011 5:08:41 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SailingBum My take on a interpersonal for lack of a better word agreement means the 2 or more parties dont trust each other cuz iffin you did there would be no need for a agreement. The OP makes it sound like to borrow 100 bucks from said party you need a agreement with repayment terms late penalty clause ad nausea bull shit. Either I trust you or I dont that simple. Sounds like the OP has some issues BadOne Sorry, I call bullshit on this one. There's nothing wrong with being clear on what you want, it has nothing to do whether or not you trust a person.

hereyesruponyou -> RE: Useful Contracts (6/14/2011 6:11:44 PM)
I had a "contract" written when I took a pet. It was more so that we were both clear on expectations and consequences. The transparency in it was to reinforce my control, which was a big part of his interest in the first place. Legally binding? No, but the truth is I still have a contract that shows that he was willing to agree to some pretty steep consequences that if they came to light could very easily ruin his life. It was the ultimate in his trust to agree to that and know that I must be the person who would not take it that far... or would I? Playing the game was a big part of the fun. We're just friends now, but now and again I remind him I really could pull that back out... that's what friends are for right?

SailingBum -> RE: Useful Contracts (6/14/2011 8:31:21 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: peachgirl quote: ORIGINAL: SailingBum My take on a interpersonal for lack of a better word agreement means the 2 or more parties dont trust each other cuz iffin you did there would be no need for a agreement. The OP makes it sound like to borrow 100 bucks from said party you need a agreement with repayment terms late penalty clause ad nausea bull shit. Either I trust you or I dont that simple. Sounds like the OP has some issues BadOne Sorry, I call bullshit on this one. There's nothing wrong with being clear on what you want, it has nothing to do whether or not you trust a person. Whatever....I can very clearly define what I expect from someone without actually have someone type it out and sign it. Are you kidding me??? sheesh BadOne

LafayetteLady -> RE: Useful Contracts (6/14/2011 8:49:02 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SailingBum quote: ORIGINAL: peachgirl quote: ORIGINAL: SailingBum My take on a interpersonal for lack of a better word agreement means the 2 or more parties dont trust each other cuz iffin you did there would be no need for a agreement. The OP makes it sound like to borrow 100 bucks from said party you need a agreement with repayment terms late penalty clause ad nausea bull shit. Either I trust you or I dont that simple. Sounds like the OP has some issues BadOne Sorry, I call bullshit on this one. There's nothing wrong with being clear on what you want, it has nothing to do whether or not you trust a person. Whatever....I can very clearly define what I expect from someone without actually have someone type it out and sign it. Are you kidding me??? sheesh BadOne But you are also much older than the OP and her partner in this event. As we gain experience, we learn how to define what we want. Some people's thought process may always not be able to effectively communicate at one time. With a written agreement, they were able to discuss what they planned, and then look it over and see if they forgot anything. While it doesn't work for you, and probably wouldn't be something I would want to do either, it is something that worked well for them. Perhaps only in this instance. Opining that they have issues because something that worked for them wouldn't work for you is pretty stupid.

Page: [1] 2 3 next > >>

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.1103516