It IS All About the Sex!

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

It IS All About the Sex!

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> It IS All About the Sex!

Page: [1] 2 3 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

It IS All About the Sex! - 5/15/2006 6:56:36 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

Why is there a need in your life for BDSM activity? Through the years I've encountered people who "need" it and use it as a pressure release technique. They would come into a club, especially in NYC for some reason, after a week of work related pressure and beat, or be beaten, coming out of the experienced "refreshed". It seemed to be a cathartic mental enema.

I've never felt those feelings. I enjoy in my relationship both the subtle and overt sexuality of the constant "background music" of a BDSM based dynamic. BDSM activity is foreplay. Yes we do other things, go other places; but rules and requirements fundamental to our relationship keep the mental dynamic active. Cuffs aren't always used, but always worn. A collar may be strict leather, or spun gold; but it is always on her neck. We may look like everyone else at a formal gathering in black tux and gown; but the lack of underwear and beth's shaved "private parts" keep the passion embers glowing. Much of it is mental, all of it erotic, most of it, is founded in our M/s relationship. My goal to have a partner to enjoy a 24/7 M/s relationship was in fact a way to enjoy 24/7 foreplay. It wasn't an easy search. "Blessed be red-headed woman!"

Maybe it isn't "ALL about the sex", just like it isn't ALL about the fun. Having fun and sex are damn good goals worth pursuing. Sex every time isn't required, but sexuality is always involved in our play. We both feel this way, and it's why it's difficult, if not impossible, for either of us to "play" casually. It's one of the main reasons we gravitate to private clubs which allow sexual activity. Clubs that restrict sexual contact are the equivalent of playing with a "safe-word"; fun, but requiring some part of brain, usually the dominant's brain, to constantly monitor it's reaction considering what it can't do.

Many threads have been skirting the issue of having sex as part of BDSM, or separating the sexual aspect from the other sensations. What about the opposite? How many feel as we do, that BDSM is as sexual as it is physical. What would happen if unattached submissives and dominants indicated that the reason they were pursuing a BDSM relationship was because they found it highly sexually stimulating and arousing? Would that help or hinder them in their search? Is that type of 'honesty' something to keep hidden until getting to know the other person better? Is this aspect of compatibility a reason that some relationships don't go beyond the initial "getting to know you" period?

< Message edited by Mercnbeth -- 5/15/2006 6:58:49 AM >

Post #: 1

RE: It IS All About the Sex! - 5/15/2006 7:02:10 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth
Many threads have been skirting the issue of having sex as part of BDSM, or separating the sexual aspect from the other sensations.

I think unless a person is fully willing to enter into service with someone who is of a completely incompatible sexual orientation from them- that sex is obviously a PART of their Ds/Ms/bdsm.

quote:

What about the opposite? How many feel as we do, that BDSM is as sexual as it is physical.

I do, no surprise there.

quote:

What would happen if unattached submissives and dominants indicated that the reason they were pursuing a BDSM relationship was because they found it highly sexually stimulating and arousing? Would that help or hinder them in their search? Is that type of 'honesty' something to keep hidden until getting to know the other person better? Is this aspect of compatibility a reason that some relationships don't go beyond the initial "getting to know you" period?

Sex is still something to be earned, something not to be treated loosely, something to be coveted. Most people still can't operate under the "sex can be fun and pointless AND amazing and soul burning" or "I can have sex just for the raunch of it AND I can have sex as the most intense self loving act I've ever had." It's all on or the other for most.

The reality is that nearly all of the relationships that get started have sex as part of them- the phone chats, the web cams, the cyber orders, the heels, the skirts, the bras, the hair, all of that.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 2

RE: It IS All About the Sex! - 5/15/2006 7:05:20 AM

angelface183

Posts: 688
Joined: 4/12/2006
Status: offline

It is definitely sexual for me and Mine. So many that I spoke to before I met Him made it clear that although they were interested in sex, BDSM was not a sexual thing for them. For me, they were not the right men. Better to have that out in the open.

With my Beloved, BDSM is a part of our foreplay and carries over into our sexual acts. Sometimes I am bound (yippie!) and at other times he will drag me whimpering and naked from the bed to be paddled if I was not following his instructions to the letter. It just makes the sex all the more delightful for me. He cannot even imagine having "vanilla" sex; I can, but I prefer this!

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 3

RE: It IS All About the Sex! - 5/15/2006 7:10:50 AM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

What would happen if unattached submissives and dominants indicated that the reason they were pursuing a BDSM relationship was because they found it highly sexually stimulating and arousing? Would that help or hinder them in their search? Is that type of 'honesty' something to keep hidden until getting to know the other person better? Is this aspect of compatibility a reason that some relationships don't go beyond the initial "getting to know you" period?

Great post Merc (as usual). Sex is an extremely important aspect of what it is that I am looking for. The relationship that I am most comfortable in is as you described, one where those embers are always glowing under the surface. I am very honest in talking with perspective Dominants about sex and sexuality. That is not something I personally wish to hide. That said though, I don't get into long and indepth conversations about personal kinks the moment I meet someone. I don't do this because as important as the sexual part is, it is far from the only thing I need in a relationship to be fulfilled. Without finding out if there is a basic "we are life compatible" and an attraction on deeper levels, sex is very superficial to me....much like casual play as you described. It may take a bit longer to find...but I am looking for the "whole" package. What I encounter in my search is that far too many Dominants wish to approach from a strictly sexual perspective and quite honestly, that is about as much of a turn off to me as if they approached me and all they wanted to discuss was stamp collecting.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 4

RE: It IS All About the Sex! - 5/15/2006 7:33:00 AM

PlayfulOne

Posts: 1047
Status: offline

Our sexuality and our M/s relationship are completely entangled. Hell, we could take out the garbage and have it evolve into sex, lol.

Our BDSM is sexual, physical, and mental. One aspect feeds the other in a never ending loop. I have never understood the post in past threads where people claim that if there is sex involved it is not BDSM but just kink. We are a couple, are we not supposed to have a sex life because we are M/s?

I think this issue does have to with compatibilty and relationships not moving forward. I could never be involved in a serious relationship with someone who felt that sex had no place (nor could my little one). When two people are that far apart on this large an issue I don't see how you can find a middle ground.

K

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 5

RE: It IS All About the Sex! - 5/15/2006 8:04:10 AM

Dustyn

Posts: 1044
Joined: 4/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: PlayfulOne

Our sexuality and our M/s relationship are completely entangled. Hell, we could take out the garbage and have it evolve into sex, lol.

Our BDSM is sexual, physical, and mental. One aspect feeds the other in a never ending loop. I have never understood the post in past threads where people claim that if there is sex involved it is not BDSM but just kink. We are a couple, are we not supposed to have a sex life because we are M/s?

I think this issue does have to with compatibilty and relationships not moving forward. I could never be involved in a serious relationship with someone who felt that sex had no place (nor could my little one). When two people are that far apart on this large an issue I don't see how you can find a middle ground.

K

So much of your post I identify with, I'd have to make the whole thing bold just to highlight the points I think are good and/or great. In the end, it's a relationship, just like any other one, and frequently more sexually charged than most.

A peanut butter sammich is great and everything, but PB&J just flat out rocks, ya know?

- Dustyn

_____________________________

Mother is the name for God on the lips and hearts of all children.

Murderer?! Murderer! Let me tell you something about murder. It's fun; it's easy; you gonna learn ALL about it. - Tin Tin

Can you be more amusing?

(in reply to PlayfulOne)

Post #: 6

RE: It IS All About the Sex! - 5/15/2006 8:06:46 AM

Bearlee

Posts: 2311
Joined: 10/25/2004
From: South Central CO
Status: offline

I guess I don’t see BDSM as sexual…but I see participants of BDSM very sexual! Does that make sense?

Take hiking…hiking is not sexual; but I appreciate a guy who includes a connection with me all the time. Even in a vanilla setting, if I were hiking I might loop my fingers into his belt loop after running my hand over his ass. Or perhaps he stopped to take a leak and encouraged me to ‘hold it’ while he did…and of course I eventually dropped to my knees to lick and nuzzle him a bit before we continue.

Even bowling…nothing sexual about THAT…yet I like a man who would make it clear to me (and me to him) in subtle ways that he found me exciting and desirable…and his.

Now, do I like all this on a first date? NO. Not for me. For me, this kind of closeness and display of (sexual) affection and ownership takes awhile to develop. I’ve had guys I thought were trying for a tonsillectomy on me on our first kiss and it drives me nuts. Same with draping an arm over my shoulder and fondling a breast while he chats with someone else…when we’ve just met! I like that saying; “I’m submissive, but not HIS submissive”…and don’t feel a man is anything more than rude for that sort of behavior. But…that’s just me.

Having said all this, I’ll say again…that I enjoy playing with close friends at clubs and parties. Our play is generally not sexual; but it IS BDSM and we find it educational and enjoyable.

YMMV

(in reply to PlayfulOne)

Post #: 7

RE: It IS All About the Sex! - 5/15/2006 8:11:05 AM

meatcleaver

Posts: 9030
Joined: 3/13/2006
Status: offline

If it ain't sexual it ain't an intimate relationship to me.

Plantonic relationships to me seem to have boundaries beyond which you can't go unless sex is involved. I don't think it's a great surprise.

(in reply to Dustyn)

Post #: 8

RE: It IS All About the Sex! - 5/15/2006 8:13:43 AM

Bearlee

Posts: 2311
Joined: 10/25/2004
From: South Central CO
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dustyn

A peanut butter sammich is great and everything, but PB&J just flat out rocks, ya know?

- Dustyn

Well yeahhhhhhhh... ESPECIALLY if the J is Jalapeño jelly! yummmmmmmm!!!

(in reply to Dustyn)

Post #: 9

RE: It IS All About the Sex! - 5/15/2006 8:19:39 AM

Bearlee

Posts: 2311
Joined: 10/25/2004
From: South Central CO
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: meatcleaver

If it ain't sexual it ain't an intimate relationship to me.

Plantonic relationships to me seem to have boundaries beyond which you can't go unless sex is involved. I don't think it's a great surprise.

Oh, I couldn't agree there, either! But...do we HAVE a 'relationship' on a first date? Okay, I figure we're all adults here...I'm not talking six months of 'courting'; but gee, don't people need a visit or two before determining IF they have a chance of something more intimate working? I get that some don't...but I do. As sexual as I am, I'm just not able to be sexual with every Tom, Dick or Mary I meet. <shrugs> Perhaps it's my age... I dunno

(in reply to meatcleaver)

Post #: 10

RE: It IS All About the Sex! - 5/15/2006 8:27:03 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

For me, being a dominant is my primary sexual orientation -- goes beyond gay or straight or bi frankly.

Even in my primarily vanilla relationship with my husband I am clearly the dominant person especially in the bedroom but in other matters as well. Its just my personality and we don't have a negotiated Ds relationship because he's neither dominant or submissive in personality.

But doing SM is not necessarily sexual for me in terms of activity or even a turn on.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 11

RE: It IS All About the Sex! - 5/15/2006 8:34:04 AM

KittenWithaTwist

Posts: 490
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline

I think a lot of people DO hide that BDSM is a part of their sexuality. It almost reminds me of a puritanical situation in which the pursuit of a part of our sexual makeup is considered wrong or bad. S&M is a part of my sexuality in the same way that being bisexual is a part of my sexuality.

_____________________________

"Time travel: It's a cornocopia of disturbing concepts." ~Ron Stoppable

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 12

RE: It IS All About the Sex! - 5/15/2006 8:46:43 AM

slavejali

Posts: 2918
Status: offline

If there was no sex, I wouldnt be in a bdsm relationship.. I'd go submit myself to a guru or something if I didnt want a sexual relationship, that would have everything that could delight a slave type, service, surrender, commitment, devotion, submissiveness....the only thing that would be missing is kink and sex. So as far as I can figure out, the defining factor that separates a Master/slave relationship within a bdsm context from other relationships we may have is kink and sex ...all the other aspects I could find in too many numerous ways to count elsewhere. Isnt it great we can have our cake and eat it to within bdsm?

< Message edited by slavejali -- 5/15/2006 8:53:01 AM >

_____________________________

Freedom in Bondage

Different Strokes for Different Folks

"I'll always have a *soft spot* for Sadists"

(in reply to KittenWithaTwist)

Post #: 13

RE: It IS All About the Sex! - 5/15/2006 8:48:19 AM

bandit25

Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline

You two are right on as usual

(in reply to slavejali)

Post #: 14

RE: It IS All About the Sex! - 5/15/2006 9:10:41 AM

plantlady64

Posts: 755
Joined: 5/19/2005
Status: offline

Hello There,
I'm kind of on the fence and watching others on this point right now as I can't say one way or the other is more right or wrong in general.
I see lots of relationships in the BDSM world where people do not have sex working out and people who do have full contact working out too.
My first and only Master was of the mind BDSM & sex were separate. No matter how hard he worked to help me understand this concept and apply it to me I still was left thinking I need both sensual play and BDSM play at the same time to make me really enjoy all of it.
I think a relationship where you have full contact with someone can be far deeper than one where you don't enjoy each other fully.

Over this past year most of the Dom's who have scened with me were also of the mindset they wanted to keep their pants on and zipped up at all times. This in part is due to playing in a public dungeon where they've just reciently permitted full contact in their club. Most are not taking advantage of this though. I've learned it can be very stimulating to not have your privates touched in a scene from these friends. I've also learned needing to get laid and being so horney you can't sleep won't kill you, you just wish it would.

If you ask me personally for myself I think all my BDSM relationships have an erotic sexual undertow. Being I'm still pretty new I'm still trying to see this from the other side as well. I sort of see that you can have a BDSM relationship without sex, but I still can't understand why you wouldn't want it all.
Suzanne

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 15

RE: It IS All About the Sex! - 5/15/2006 9:13:56 AM

Sensualips

Posts: 1013
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

How many feel as we do, that BDSM is as sexual as it is physical. What would happen if unattached submissives and dominants indicated that the reason they were pursuing a BDSM relationship was because they found it highly sexually stimulating and arousing? Would that help or hinder them in their search?

I will raise my hand. Unlike you, I can play casually though because I also enjoy casual sex.

I pretty much tell everyone early on "it is all about the sex for me." I go on to explain that more specifically, of course. The vast majority of the time the reaction I get is positive. This may be because I tend to be attracted to or get involved with people that feel similarly, even in basic conversations.

Are there times that things are not sexual? Of course and I could give lots of examples. But my primary motivation for being involved in wiitwd is sexual in nature.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 16

RE: It IS All About the Sex! - 5/15/2006 9:20:39 AM

Proprietrix

Posts: 756
Joined: 7/15/2005
From: Ohio/West Virginia
Status: offline

For me, it's not about sex at all. Dominance isn't part of my sexuality. It's part of my personality. M/s is how I prefer my relationships to be structured. I view sex as a primal desire, much like eating, being sheltered, and receiving medical care. Sex is no more relavent to my lifestyle than eating is. It happens sometimes because it's part of being human. Nothing more. It would be just as odd for me to say that my involvement in BDSM is centered around sex, as it would be to say that my involvement in BDSM is centered around eating.

quote:

What would happen if unattached submissives and dominants indicated that the reason they were pursuing a BDSM relationship was because they found it highly sexually stimulating and arousing? Would that help or hinder them in their search? Is that type of 'honesty' something to keep hidden until getting to know the other person better? Is this aspect of compatibility a reason that some relationships don't go beyond the initial "getting to know you" period?

If an unattached submissive petitioned me with this view, I would simply let that person know that we weren't compatible. And I would greatly appreciate the honesty upfront. Just as I am completely honest upfront about letting prospectives know that I'm not interested in sex. We're all different and we form relationships with people who are compatible.

_____________________________

IMO, IMHO, YMMV, AFAIK, to me, I see it as, from my perspective, it's been my experience, I only speak for myself, (and all other disclaimers here).

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 17

RE: It IS All About the Sex! - 5/15/2006 9:33:19 AM

TwistedHumour

Posts: 5
Joined: 5/12/2006
Status: offline

BDSM without the sexual aspect is like a day without, well, sex...

(in reply to Proprietrix)

Post #: 18

RE: It IS All About the Sex! - 5/15/2006 9:42:15 AM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

I have mixed thoughts on this....and much of your post resonated. I have to say that I think that many vanilla relationships would not go stale if the amount of *attention* paid to it was similar to that of an M/s one.

The fact is, that to maintain this type of relationship ALL aspects of the interaction are heightened.

There are so many small things that keep your *partner*, Master or slave in your mind so much of the time and many of those are sexual....or have sexual bias.

I've seen very little of people involved in BDSM who complain that they feel *taken for granted* or are *bored or jaded*...and yet it's a common woe in vanilla relationships.

I can't say that I'd find a great deal of BDSM activities arousing unless my Master was attached to them in some way .....maybe I'm a weird fish..lol

Regards, agirl

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 19

RE: It IS All About the Sex! - 5/15/2006 9:42:26 AM

shyfem

Posts: 101
Joined: 2/16/2006
Status: offline

I think I am with the majority here so far that BDSM and sex are intertwined, I like the way that slavejali put it...

quote:

ORIGINAL: slavejali

If there was no sex, I wouldnt be in a bdsm relationship.. I'd go submit myself to a guru or something if I didnt want a sexual relationship, that would have everything that could delight a slave type, service, surrender, commitment, devotion, submissiveness....the only thing that would be missing is kink and sex. So as far as I can figure out, the defining factor that separates a Master/slave relationship within a bdsm context from other relationships we may have is kink and sex ...all the other aspects I could find in too many numerous ways to count elsewhere. Isnt it great we can have our cake and eat it to within bdsm?

That being said, I have served one Dom to whom I never had actual intercourse with, however, all of our times together had strong sexual undertones and I was still sexually satisfied when all was said and done.

< Message edited by shyfem -- 5/15/2006 9:44:36 AM >

(in reply to slavejali)

Post #: 20

Page: [1] 2 3 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> It IS All About the Sex!

Page: [1] 2 3 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.109