what's the best way to let a Dom know you don't think they are for you?

what's the best way to let a Dom know you don't think they are for you? (Full Version)

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Willingsub74 -> what's the best way to let a Dom know you don't think they are for you? (6/24/2011 12:44:53 PM)
Maybe i'm just too nice. But i like everyone else have specific things they look for. For me its not about race, age, or color. It's about control, the mental aspect is the biggest for me. So after talking to someone and realizing that they just aren't going to do it for you, what's the best way to handle that?

leadership527 -> RE: what's the best way to let a Dom know you don't think they are for you? (6/24/2011 12:51:52 PM)
Directly, firmly, and without judgement. The short story here is that when one person desires another and that is not reciprocated then someone is going to be disappointed. There's nothing you can do about that. There's no way to protect him. It's built into the situation. So the best you can do is to firmly "rip the bandaid off"

myotherself -> RE: what's the best way to let a Dom know you don't think they are for you? (6/24/2011 12:56:00 PM)
OP - I know how you feel! I used to put off meeting potential Doms because I used to worry about the bit afterwards if things just didn't feel right. What I decided was what Jeff suggested - unequivocal honesty. I would say something like "I'm sorry, but I didn't feel any spark/chemistry/whatever term you like". Some accepted that and have become friends. Others were upset and disappeared. Others became angry and said hurtful things. You need a thick skin at times! Just don't let them try to guilt-trip you into reconsidering if you are sure it wouldn't work. It is allowable to repeat the 'no chemistry' line as many times as you want until it sinks in for them [:)]

DecadentDesire -> RE: what's the best way to let a Dom know you don't think they are for you? (6/24/2011 1:08:10 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: leadership527 Directly, firmly, and without judgement. The short story here is that when one person desires another and that is not reciprocated then someone is going to be disappointed. There's nothing you can do about that. There's no way to protect him. It's built into the situation. So the best you can do is to firmly "rip the bandaid off" What he said. Try to focus on using "I" language, as well. "I" language is the art of structuring potentially negative, critical or explosive statements so the focus is on you, and not on the other person. Hence, saying "I don't think I would be the right submissive for you" instead of "You just aren't the right dominant for me". The latter can be taken as implying that there is some deficiency or problem with him where as the former does not. It might seem like a difference in semantics, but it has a huge impact on how people receive and react to the message.

Iamsemisweet -> RE: what's the best way to let a Dom know you don't think they are for you? (6/24/2011 1:22:26 PM)
Firmly. Irrevocably. Politely. The biggest mistake I have made in this situation is leaving some doubt in their mind as to my decision. On the other hand, no point in being a jerk either.

Hillwilliam -> RE: what's the best way to let a Dom know you don't think they are for you? (6/24/2011 2:24:49 PM)
Just come out and freakin SAY it. If the incompatibility is there, the Dom MIGHT just be figuring out how to let you down easily. It happens, trust Me.

GreedyTop -> RE: what's the best way to let a Dom know you don't think they are for you? (6/24/2011 2:37:11 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DecadentDesire quote: ORIGINAL: leadership527 Directly, firmly, and without judgement. The short story here is that when one person desires another and that is not reciprocated then someone is going to be disappointed. There's nothing you can do about that. There's no way to protect him. It's built into the situation. So the best you can do is to firmly "rip the bandaid off" What he said. Try to focus on using "I" language, as well. "I" language is the art of structuring potentially negative, critical or explosive statements so the focus is on you, and not on the other person. Hence, saying "I don't think I would be the right submissive for you" instead of "You just aren't the right dominant for me". The latter can be taken as implying that there is some deficiency or problem with him where as the former does not. It might seem like a difference in semantics, but it has a huge impact on how people receive and react to the message. This.

Hisprettybaby -> RE: what's the best way to let a Dom know you don't think they are for you? (6/24/2011 2:40:55 PM)
~FR~ I would say honestly, clearly, without judgment, and in a way that leaves no doubt. Daddy and I are corresponding with a prospective sub and this is how we will do it if we just don't click. And who knows, we may remain friends. ~Hisprettybaby~

littlewonder -> RE: what's the best way to let a Dom know you don't think they are for you? (6/24/2011 3:12:42 PM)
thanks but we're not compatible. best of luck in your search.

sunshinemiss -> RE: what's the best way to let a Dom know you don't think they are for you? (6/24/2011 4:40:12 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DecadentDesire What he said. Try to focus on using "I" language, as well. "I" language is the art of structuring potentially negative, critical or explosive statements so the focus is on you, and not on the other person.Hence, saying "I don't think I would be the right submissive for you" instead of "You just aren't the right dominant for me". The latter can be taken as implying that there is some deficiency or problem with him where as the former does not. It might seem like a difference in semantics, but it has a huge impact on how people receive and react to the message. "I" language is quite right. Your example, though, is not a good one. Here's why: I don't think I would be the right submissive for you. The answer is: "You're wrong. I know what is right for me!" An example, more in line with "I" language would be: This relationship isn't working for me. Or... I'm not comfortable continuing in this. Or... There's no chemistry for me .

GreedyTop -> RE: what's the best way to let a Dom know you don't think they are for you? (6/24/2011 4:44:12 PM)
good point, Sunny..

Icarys -> RE: what's the best way to let a Dom know you don't think they are for you? (6/24/2011 4:50:17 PM)
quote: you don't think they are for you Just tell them that in your own words.

lizi -> RE: what's the best way to let a Dom know you don't think they are for you? (6/24/2011 5:10:35 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss "I" language is quite right. Your example, though, is not a good one. Here's why: I don't think I would be the right submissive for you. The answer is: "You're wrong. I know what is right for me!" An example, more in line with "I" language would be: This relationship isn't working for me. Or... I'm not comfortable continuing in this. Or... There's no chemistry for me . I agree with Sunny that focusing on yourself is the way to go, but to make it completely something based on yourself. I wasn't clear enough in one case and the gentleman wrote back to say that even though I thought we wouldn't be a match, he was thoroughly convinced we were- as I was exactly what he was looking for. I still shake my head over that because I guess to him a relationship is one-sided, but whatever. It's better being told why you don't want to proceed than having someone disappear on you. I'm not implying that you'd do that but about all of us has had that happen and it sucks. No need to be rude but be firm and say that you don't find the chemistry is there.

subdiscovery -> RE: what's the best way to let a Dom know you don't think they are for you? (6/24/2011 5:27:17 PM)
Great advice, I'm very new to this so wasn't sure how to do it. I love the whole "I don't think I'm the right submissive for you" thanks for all the sughpgestions.

ChatteParfaitt -> RE: what's the best way to let a Dom know you don't think they are for you? (6/24/2011 5:33:21 PM)
No, No, No, No, it's not I don't think I am the right submissive. That leaves wiggle room. It's: I am not the right submissive for you. Move on. Rinse and repeat as needed.

erieangel -> RE: what's the best way to let a Dom know you don't think they are for you? (6/24/2011 6:04:15 PM)
The best way to tell a person you're not interested? "I don't think this is going to work." "Sorry. I'm not interested." Anything that is short, sweet and to the point without being overly rude. Pretty much what everybody else had said.

DecadentDesire -> RE: what's the best way to let a Dom know you don't think they are for you? (6/24/2011 6:29:10 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss quote: ORIGINAL: DecadentDesire What he said. Try to focus on using "I" language, as well. "I" language is the art of structuring potentially negative, critical or explosive statements so the focus is on you, and not on the other person.Hence, saying "I don't think I would be the right submissive for you" instead of "You just aren't the right dominant for me". The latter can be taken as implying that there is some deficiency or problem with him where as the former does not. It might seem like a difference in semantics, but it has a huge impact on how people receive and react to the message. "I" language is quite right. Your example, though, is not a good one. Here's why: I don't think I would be the right submissive for you. The answer is: "You're wrong. I know what is right for me!" An example, more in line with "I" language would be: This relationship isn't working for me. Or... I'm not comfortable continuing in this. Or... There's no chemistry for me . Thank you for pointing that out. I didn't have time to put much thought into the explanation and you are right. My example is counterproductive to being direct.

sunshinemiss -> RE: what's the best way to let a Dom know you don't think they are for you? (6/24/2011 11:24:46 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt No, No, No, No, it's not I don't think I am the right submissive. That leaves wiggle room. It's: I am not the right submissive for you. Move on. Rinse and repeat as needed. Again... Wiggle room. The answer would be: "You are wrong because yes, you are the right one for me." Do not ever use the word "YOU" in this stuff. It can ONLY backfire. In the end, really all you are saying is this: I'm done. This is not a discussion; it's an announcement. (I've actually said that. There is no possible wiggle room.)

kalikshama -> RE: what's the best way to let a Dom know you don't think they are for you? (6/25/2011 4:08:02 AM)
A caveat - "I" language, which works wonderfully for most of the population, does not work with narcissists, as part of their disorder is inability to recognize others as a discrete human being. The answer to any excuse would indeed be: "You are wrong because yes, you are the right one for me." You have to stick firm to "I'm done. This is not a discussion; it's an announcement." You don't have to worry about hurting a narcissist's feelings at this early stage as they will assume there is something wrong with you for not wanting them. While people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder comprise only 1% of the general population, I tend to attract them, as I find them very seductive (before they become suffocating.)

JstAnotherSub -> RE: what's the best way to let a Dom know you don't think they are for you? (6/25/2011 8:46:10 AM)
If all the great advice given here fails, I find that a "fuck off already dumbass" works, most of the time anyhow.

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